I may have stated in previous posts that I keep a music playlist on my computer that is about 50-120 hours and I circulate and create new ones about every month or 6 weeks (whenever the playlist is depleted). It is great for boosting my music education, exploring new interests and also its a way that I keep in control and systematised.
about last month I thought to myself: it may be snowing now but by the time I put this on the playlist it will be a completely relevant piece.
That piece is stravinsky's rite of spring. I listen to it as the sing shines brightly after a dark hailstorm. Is that symbolic? I dunno. The spring and summer months represent a lot of things normally like new beginnings, fresh starts, wearing less clothes, oogling women from the confines of my darkened prescription glasses, seeing their sexy sexy body parts that i am weirdly attracted to (like feet and armpits - that's perhaps a subject for another post).
I'm reading a blog of a girl I met a couple of times. As I read it I feel suddenly insecure and physically inadequate. This girl is having a lovely and glamorous sex life and can get sex whenever she wants.
Here I am going to learndirect courses in the local library and fucking a pillow while doing book reviews as the only way to get free books and hoping for my pipe dream PhD. I guess everyone is different. I just feel a strange contradiction present in me. Yesterday I was on the same table as a man who came out of a mental hospital who wanted to start over and put his mental hospital darkness behind him. I thought he was awfully brave. On the other hand I know people who are bigshots at music instrument companies, investment banks, and bigshot researchers doing important biomedical research.
Where do I fit in to all of that? That's the question I've been troubling myself with. I don't want to be pretentious and say people are beneath me or that I'm better than them. I'm unemployed, I live with my parents who are very kind to let me stay, and my life has taken a turn for the worse. I think my virginity is growing back.
A thought has come to my mind since a few days ago when I estimated my weight loss timetable. Maybe I should hide.
I was considering that until I'm 'good enough'; until I'm ready and attractive enough to engage in society perhaps I should put my social life on hold. If I keep excercising and working out and purging and lose about 100lbs I'll put new friends and old on hold...
I'm troubled by this very thought. But I hate the judgmental eyes of society. I hate how people look at me, and how I see myself when I have all this excess weight. I hate being unemployed and having nothing to say for myself when the horrid question is asked: so what do you do?
I could answer: oh, I'm a self-resenting bitter angry pillow fucker who has little luck with jobs because his masters degree consisted of chasing a stupid teenaged fake gothic wannorexic attention whore who was polyamorous and in a relationship ( or two) without even telling me even though she knew that I loved her and after a year of having a first relationship with perhaps the most important woman in my life it ended and nearly a year on here I am back where I started before all that university stuff happened; without a job, without a girl, with a belly and without a hope.
Can a PhD offer take all that away? Yes it can. That's why I'm investing so much hope into it.
It seems now that I've said it. It will almost certainly be the case that I don't get the PhD. Okay, Conatus: prepare for failure now.
Life seems pretty shit. I can understand why people hide themselves in alcohol. I think that my night on the tiles means something a bit different.
I laughed at that; night on the tiles, as in toilet; toilet as in purging. Get it? Ah, its wasted on you...
Maybe its cos i'm not white; maybe its' cos of my disability; maybe cos I'm fat?
I was never the kind to make excuses. Why am I starting now?
I need to love myself in order to stop hating myself. I realise that now. The anger is becoming more prevalent inside of me.
about last month I thought to myself: it may be snowing now but by the time I put this on the playlist it will be a completely relevant piece.
That piece is stravinsky's rite of spring. I listen to it as the sing shines brightly after a dark hailstorm. Is that symbolic? I dunno. The spring and summer months represent a lot of things normally like new beginnings, fresh starts, wearing less clothes, oogling women from the confines of my darkened prescription glasses, seeing their sexy sexy body parts that i am weirdly attracted to (like feet and armpits - that's perhaps a subject for another post).
I'm reading a blog of a girl I met a couple of times. As I read it I feel suddenly insecure and physically inadequate. This girl is having a lovely and glamorous sex life and can get sex whenever she wants.
Here I am going to learndirect courses in the local library and fucking a pillow while doing book reviews as the only way to get free books and hoping for my pipe dream PhD. I guess everyone is different. I just feel a strange contradiction present in me. Yesterday I was on the same table as a man who came out of a mental hospital who wanted to start over and put his mental hospital darkness behind him. I thought he was awfully brave. On the other hand I know people who are bigshots at music instrument companies, investment banks, and bigshot researchers doing important biomedical research.
Where do I fit in to all of that? That's the question I've been troubling myself with. I don't want to be pretentious and say people are beneath me or that I'm better than them. I'm unemployed, I live with my parents who are very kind to let me stay, and my life has taken a turn for the worse. I think my virginity is growing back.
A thought has come to my mind since a few days ago when I estimated my weight loss timetable. Maybe I should hide.
I was considering that until I'm 'good enough'; until I'm ready and attractive enough to engage in society perhaps I should put my social life on hold. If I keep excercising and working out and purging and lose about 100lbs I'll put new friends and old on hold...
I'm troubled by this very thought. But I hate the judgmental eyes of society. I hate how people look at me, and how I see myself when I have all this excess weight. I hate being unemployed and having nothing to say for myself when the horrid question is asked: so what do you do?
I could answer: oh, I'm a self-resenting bitter angry pillow fucker who has little luck with jobs because his masters degree consisted of chasing a stupid teenaged fake gothic wannorexic attention whore who was polyamorous and in a relationship ( or two) without even telling me even though she knew that I loved her and after a year of having a first relationship with perhaps the most important woman in my life it ended and nearly a year on here I am back where I started before all that university stuff happened; without a job, without a girl, with a belly and without a hope.
Can a PhD offer take all that away? Yes it can. That's why I'm investing so much hope into it.
It seems now that I've said it. It will almost certainly be the case that I don't get the PhD. Okay, Conatus: prepare for failure now.
Life seems pretty shit. I can understand why people hide themselves in alcohol. I think that my night on the tiles means something a bit different.
I laughed at that; night on the tiles, as in toilet; toilet as in purging. Get it? Ah, its wasted on you...
Maybe its cos i'm not white; maybe its' cos of my disability; maybe cos I'm fat?
I was never the kind to make excuses. Why am I starting now?
I need to love myself in order to stop hating myself. I realise that now. The anger is becoming more prevalent inside of me.
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