I hope I am using those french words correctly. I can vacillate between complete awkward stupidity and nervousness; and complete academic confidence. P.S. Did I use vacillate rightly? I mean- correctly
There was a time between 2000-2001 when my biggest aspiration was to do a levels and maybe, just maybe, go to university like my sister did. Not many people went to university back in the 90s; and my sister is the first person I knew, like ever, who I knew went to university. When I was 10 years old, my dad driving up north to seeing her was a monumental change in my life. Seeing her leave the house upset me because I was at the time, very close to her. I'm not so close to her now.
I thought to myself, once this happens everything in my life was going to change and I'd have to face the fact that life goes on and people grow up and move on. I kind of knew that was the case in a theoretical sense; but I never really understood it back then. I suppose that maybe that inability to cope with change was what upset me when I moved to the university town.
Anyway, I mention that because the one thing I wanted to back about 10 years ago was do an 'A' level in english literature. I felt so terribly passionate about reading and english literature and writing essays about ideas and stories. I didn't get in. I got a C grade for my GCSE English Literature even though I put a lot of my intentions into wanting it. I was disappointed. I found, however, that I could choose another subject in its place; so I chose classical civilisation. I think that small decision was not exactly a big one, but had it not been there I would have had a much different life to now.
I was always self-conscious back in secondary school. I didn't look very attractive, and I was kinda pudgy; I had nothing going for me except my music and my budding passion for creative writing. The other really significant thing was that my english teacher said nice things to me. I was the class clown and used to make jokes and laugh at the hypermasculine sensibility present in the all male classroom. In a sense I suppose my humour was, and still is a defence mechanism to wider insecurities. Boys schools are such that you are either the funny one, the tough one or you got bullied. I got a little bit of the latter and a bit of the former.
That sense of inadequacy I felt and sense of striving came from knowing that I wasn't a very smart guy. I was just about middling in academic ability but not good enough to be in the top set. I was expected a string of D's and E's for GCSE results and I despaired at the possibility of GNVQs. In my school; the GNVQ guys were a lower strata, like the Morlocks to the Eloi. I needed to prove my Eloi-ness. Luckily I did. I scraped 5 A-C grades of which 3 were at least a B. I worked pretty hard for it, but my potential was far from being unlocked at the time.
Back then I didn't really have any clear goals and I just drifted through the system. I also used to really like anime and computer games. I was only starting to make some friends. I was slowly fitting in.
I'm not sure why I typed these memories and introspective insights for a blog post. But once the catalyst of one thought in the past came, they all came to flow through. I'm forcing myself to write these days as I'm in a bit of a stupour. I need to push myself more.
Today I've gone down a bit in weight. It's a small step on a longer path. I can only but say that is one positive I can hold on to. Thank you mia.
Thank you for giving back to me.
There was a time between 2000-2001 when my biggest aspiration was to do a levels and maybe, just maybe, go to university like my sister did. Not many people went to university back in the 90s; and my sister is the first person I knew, like ever, who I knew went to university. When I was 10 years old, my dad driving up north to seeing her was a monumental change in my life. Seeing her leave the house upset me because I was at the time, very close to her. I'm not so close to her now.
I thought to myself, once this happens everything in my life was going to change and I'd have to face the fact that life goes on and people grow up and move on. I kind of knew that was the case in a theoretical sense; but I never really understood it back then. I suppose that maybe that inability to cope with change was what upset me when I moved to the university town.
Anyway, I mention that because the one thing I wanted to back about 10 years ago was do an 'A' level in english literature. I felt so terribly passionate about reading and english literature and writing essays about ideas and stories. I didn't get in. I got a C grade for my GCSE English Literature even though I put a lot of my intentions into wanting it. I was disappointed. I found, however, that I could choose another subject in its place; so I chose classical civilisation. I think that small decision was not exactly a big one, but had it not been there I would have had a much different life to now.
I was always self-conscious back in secondary school. I didn't look very attractive, and I was kinda pudgy; I had nothing going for me except my music and my budding passion for creative writing. The other really significant thing was that my english teacher said nice things to me. I was the class clown and used to make jokes and laugh at the hypermasculine sensibility present in the all male classroom. In a sense I suppose my humour was, and still is a defence mechanism to wider insecurities. Boys schools are such that you are either the funny one, the tough one or you got bullied. I got a little bit of the latter and a bit of the former.
That sense of inadequacy I felt and sense of striving came from knowing that I wasn't a very smart guy. I was just about middling in academic ability but not good enough to be in the top set. I was expected a string of D's and E's for GCSE results and I despaired at the possibility of GNVQs. In my school; the GNVQ guys were a lower strata, like the Morlocks to the Eloi. I needed to prove my Eloi-ness. Luckily I did. I scraped 5 A-C grades of which 3 were at least a B. I worked pretty hard for it, but my potential was far from being unlocked at the time.
Back then I didn't really have any clear goals and I just drifted through the system. I also used to really like anime and computer games. I was only starting to make some friends. I was slowly fitting in.
I'm not sure why I typed these memories and introspective insights for a blog post. But once the catalyst of one thought in the past came, they all came to flow through. I'm forcing myself to write these days as I'm in a bit of a stupour. I need to push myself more.
Today I've gone down a bit in weight. It's a small step on a longer path. I can only but say that is one positive I can hold on to. Thank you mia.
Thank you for giving back to me.
No comments:
Post a Comment