It's that post christmas blue moment. I think lots of people get it.

Every few days I have a post it on google keep reminding me about my goal. Here are some of them:

• Keep saving money
• Other investments
• Look after your family
• Stay clean (health)
• Eat smart, plasticity of mind
• Physical exercise is key to wellbeing
• Build resilience for the future

I feel like I'm doing a bare minimum lately. I have been extremely exhausted from work, life, the pandemic. This new lockdown is hitting me harder than most things. I think this is the darkest point. My insomnia has come back but I don't have any work for a few days. Perhaps though, I might go to work tomorrow.

Some other goals:

• Get your body fat down
• Get your weight down
• Learn (lots of things)
• Avoid avoidance
• Be supportive towards others

I'm not really going so much of those things.

I feel like this is a form of analysis paralysis. I have too many things I want to do, and not getting any of it done because I'm thinking too hard about completion when if I just focussed on a few things I'd at least get some things done.

The past few days I had done some big tasks and I must be honest how that drained me. I've set a task for myself to complete a few things just before bed. 

 It's been a challenging day. had an autism meltdown and a couple of triggers. On the plus side I got some of my work done. 

Let's think about positives:

• Lots of nice people I support and who I have come to know
• I had some nice food lately
• Looking foward to some nice TV and some days off

Things to be positive about in the future:

• The end of Tier 4
• The end of tiers
• parties
• socials
• going to the office
• gym classes
• social eating
• travelling

 One thing I was going to do this week was to put in when the gym will be open over Christmas. That was my plan for saturday. We held on for so long that this tier 4 got announced at 4pm today and all the listings information I have is out of date. 

Fuck

 So, Tier 4 has been enforced. Well from tomorrow.

I did the gym earlier today. Today being a saturday. It's been what, 5 days since it was tier 3 and classes at the gym were cancelled? Then before that it was maybe 10 days of post lockdown after the November lockdown. 

It's all very confusing. The level of confusion may undermine the seriousness of infection. 

I am trying to get through my admin. I'm thinking about the targets I set myself. There are things I have worked well on.

• Watching TV but not too much
• Enjoying podcasts
• Cycling almost every day
• Getting some gym done
• KKeeping a routine 

Things i can improve on

• My diet
• sleeping pattern
• priorities
• keeping in touch with friends and family
• getting my bodyfat down

I think every day involves some kind of adjustment, like staying on the balls of my feet when boxing. Need to stay sharp mentally. This isn't easy for me as I'm stuck in fixed ways of doing things and thinking.

 I'm having trouble sleeping at the moment. Some days I might just have 4 hours, wake up at an acceptable time in the morning and get on. Then by 7-8pm I'm exhausted and Sleep for 5 hours. I end up waking up before 2am and it messes with the rest of the day. It's 4:20 (lol) am and I'm in a similar situation.

The day that was saturday started well. I woke up at 7am thinking whether I should go to the gym. I eventually decided to do 2 classes. It went okay. My moves weren't so good but I got the motions done. Later I ended up cycling to the nearby waitrose. there was a queue so I cycled past the big park and then went to WH Smiths. I went to get the Saturday Sentinel but the supplements weren't included in the package. Also I really wanted to get the latest metal hammer. I decided right there to cycle 4 miles to another WH Smiths. It was a nice journey, wore me out when I got home after buying metal hammer. I had an energy drink in between travelling. Coca Cola do energy drinks now, that's what I learned today. 

As I got home I did some bike maintenance while smoking a cigar. I cleaned my seat post, lubed up parts. I did a surface clean, cleaned the drivetrain, applied brake lube and sprayed it all off. I applied some lubricant and ran the chain through some brushes and pat dry any excess goop and dirt. I still had some cigar to finish so I sat outside to continue it. I cooked for a bit. I'm practicing cooking with beef. I ended up falling asleep around 8pm. I was exhausted. It was quite satisfying to be that tired. I felt a realisation that when I push myself like that, I go to my absolute limit. I must have had some kooky dreams as I felt every emotional after waking up around 11:30, or was it 2237? That would only be 2+ hours of sleep. 

I'm working on some deep and important stuff in my day job. I could talk about that but perhaps I don't want to here. I've been thinking about self care and what it means to me. Having a day on the bike doing my own thing seems to do well for me. Being physically active. Dressing warm, wearing a fancy jacket. Listening to heavy metal on a bike wearing leather. Two wheels feels good. My bike had a bit of scoring on it, a bit of mud and dirt. It's not fully clean but I got most of the muck off. 

I didn't end up reading the paper for Saturday. I still have lots to do this weekend. On the plus side. I got to ask my brother and sister what they want for Christmas. Sis said she's fine. I've not been in contact with her very much lately. I don't think we are getting along. It's my issue. It's not hers. I think lots of my problems are two way, but when I say two way, both 'ways' have to do with me. I don't blame them for problems in communication. I just don't feel like talking anymore.

Anyway I better get back to work. If I don't post before Christmas I should say how so many people I know are getting married or expecting and it's a real sign of transition. People are getting on with their lives. What about me? I've been watching Cobra Kai on netflix and there's an episode where the character meets his friends from his teen years. They all have lives of their own while the Cobra Kai guy Johnny is not quite there yet.

Onwards

 It's been a busy few weeks and impossible to summarise the more recent events.

Perhaps I can just try to summarise Thursday. Things I achieved on the most previous day:

• Wrote a newsletter
• started planning for a talk
• got soem work done really quickly
• attempted to do some relaxing/cooldown after work
• Ate some nice food

Things to look forward to:

• My email going out
• Having a couple of days off
• watching tv
• playing more google stadia
• pay day!

 Dear Diary,

The pandemic is really hitting me hard at the moment. Although I have lost a bit of weight, my sleeping pattern has become extremely disturbed. I used to have really bad habit of waking up late in the afternoon and going to bed close to 7-8am. Now my sleeping pattern has adjusted. I am waking up too early around 2-3am and I'm exhausted by 8pm. I try to sleep as long as I can but I can't seem to get up later than 3am. It's not so bad waking up too early but my energy levels and concentration are shot up by the afternoon. 

I can hear the beauty of the chining birds. Sometimes I go out for a morning bike ride. I have often gone out to a local cafe for a full English breakfast. All of those things are nice but its all very lonely. I haven't managed to go to gym as much as I had liked recently. I feel like I am in an eternal single day that is unending.

Lots of people on social media, in my social circle and so on have referred to this current situation as groundhog day. This global health scare makes me worry about mum and dad. This global health scare is affecting peoples jobs. Those of us who still have jobs, many of the country are adversely affected. Right now I still have a job. I hope it goes on like that for a while. 

My energy levels have been very low lately, I think this is related to the insomnia, I'm not sure really. I have decided recently to deliberately rest more to catch up with my energy. I have deliberately decided not to constantly work on my targets and things, or even not to work so hard on the day job. It has however meant that I am behind on my work. The weekend went by ever so quickly. I think I spent most of Saturday and Sunday sleeping. At least I read the paper and got some gym done though. 

I haven't done any diarising in a while so I might just go over some positives of my life lately:

1. My savings are as high as they have every been
2. I have an amazing wfh set up for work
3. Mum and dad are alright

Things I look forward to:

• The pandemic being over
• Dragonball super (started watching recently)
• My next kiss

 I had been up all night and I decided at 6am to go out on the bike and cycle up to Blackfriars bridge, up and along the Thames through to Westminster and back to tooting through Vauxhall. I then arrived back in town in time to do LBT class and then Step. Overall it was 3000kcal. It was notable because I haven't been this active in a very long time. It's the pandemic and we are possibly going into a second lockdown. I'm thinking about ways to keep active in this difficult time.

0249

28/09/2020

 Where I work there's a t***sphobia problem, and also a race problem. 

I think it's the write time to talk about it. For the past few months I have been advocating for better ways for the company to deal with it. It's been exhausting. 

The last week almost went by as quickly as the one before it. I had decided to try and conduct myself by getting as much of my work stuff done, then finishing for the day. When I finished work I'd go to the gym, which is now open, then I'd wrap it up with an extended bike ride. On Thursday I had back to back meetings, one about the various phobias of the company. After I finished, I went to the gym, I had about 30 minutes before the next session so I cycled, then my knee got fucked and I did the class with a messed up knee. Then miraculously the knee snapped back somehow and I was 'normal' towards the end of the class. My activity levels have gone up.

So have my soft drink consumption. I've also discovered Taco Bell, which is amazing! This saturday which has just finished, I set some goals for myself: go to wilkos, walk to the high street, buy some homewares from wilko, maybe see other shops around. Also: manscaping and bike maintenance. I started with the bike maintenance which seemed quite physical enough with all the lifting and the cleaning. It feels good to service my bike. It also takes quite a while. I think at this stage I service my bike about once every 3-4 weeks. I got a bit tired after the bike and then I went for a walk. I got the stuff from wilkos and I even took the bus home. It's the first time I've taken a bus since the lockdown. I just wanted to see what it was like. As I rode the bike I was just thinking to myself: the bike is so much better at doing this route. I mainly rode on the bus for the experience.

-----------------------------------------

I've got a lot of tasks set for the weekend. I have no chance of fulfilling them all. Well, not today anyway. I have put it on the laterbase. I think I might just spent the rest of my waking couple of hours trying to relax and to sleep.  

In the outside world, my place of work, the sentinel, is facing some quite bad morale issues and job cuts. there's a restructure that will redefine my job. I'm not going to get a job pay rise for at least a year to 18 months. People around the country are losing their jobs left right and centre. I have just learned to create a new routine around the gym which has re-opened and I am enjoying the limited facilities. As all this is happening, case numbers of covid are shooting up. A second lockdown seems inevitable. The question is: why hasn't it happened already?

I remember at some point in March, I was taking a taxi home from the waitrose. I was saying to the man: the cases are going up so much theres' going to be a shut down of the country like in Italy. The uber driver man asked: when do you think it will happen? I said: it should have happened about 5-10 days ago. It was maybe about 5 days later when the real lockdown happened. I still remember how traumatic the whole thing was. I realise how long 6 months is. For me at 33 (at the time) 6 months wasn't so long. At my gym there are first year uni students from the local hospital university starting medical courses. I realise how they have lost their summer, they lost their final a level year. With the universities fiasco, they could have even lost their futures. This is a mass catastrophe.

I set a reminder for myself to write about postiives. That was actually why I was writing in this outdated blog. 

-----

Positives: I am positive about the following today:

• My work life balance is improving
• I love cycling. I cycled 20 miles on Friday
• I am held in high esteem by the people who matter to me

Things I'm positive about in the future: pass

 Things I want to work on:

• sleep better
• eat better
• wake up earlier
• get your targets done

 Recent developments

The gyms have re-opened. I've gotten to start classes again and going to the weights room regularly. It will be a part of my new routine. I enjoy it. 

I haven't been cycling as much. On the other hand, I have also been cycling and locking up my bike with my new lock. I locked up outside the gym and by waitrose. It was good. I have re-checked my insurance situation and I got a fancy lock. 

 Things I need to work on:

• Eat better
• (get your weight down)
• (get your bodyfat down)
• keep active - gym classes, gym programme and cycling
• Keep working on your learning to code
• Socialising (social distancing)
• tally your assets this week

Specific things this week:

• There's a social at work this week
• Meet up with some peeps on saturday? 
• create outfit for thursday? 
• specific work things

 Goals for the week

• Learn more HTML
• Learn some SQL
• Learn some Javascript
• Keep active at the gym
• keep going to class
• Get all your work done
• Get all your advocacy work done
• Maintain caloric deficit (for weight loss)
• Tally your savings 
• Sleep healthily
• Eat better
• Have things to plan for and look forward to
• Ask for help if you need it
• Think about your actions having consequences. If you don't want the consequences, don't do the action. That's what I need to think when I'm at the corner shop looking at Wotsits

 Dear Diary,

A week has passed since Mai's funeral. I have lost a bunch of weight and gained it again. Last night I comfort-bought a pizza off of uber eats. As serendipity has it, it didn't arrive. Apparently the delivery driver for topps pizza had a nasty car crash and the company were to send another driver and another set of pizzas. I told the guy at topps, its fine if you can send over the pizza but I understand that's the least of your troubles now.

The gym has re-opened. My stalwart of routine and wellbeing, my big social centre. I haven't cycled much. I've gotten a fair amount of work done. Lately some days have had herculean demands on me. But the problem lately is that there are days in sequence which have herculean demands. It's worn me out. 

Today I'm getting my admin done. I'm realising there are a bunch of loose end tasks I need to get on with. I can't multitask too much but I'll get some of them done. I'll take breaks if I have to.

On my facebook I see some some of my old uni friends are getting well into their lives as 30-somethings. One person is doing housework, another has a daugther learning to speak. One guy has a father who will die soon from cancer and every day counts. What am I doing? I'm going a lot of LGBTQ+ advocacy, I already changed aspects of the culture at my work and I was responsible for a woman winning an award last year, where she thanked me at the awards ceremony. Some prominent MPs and media industry figures were ther.e 

In other news, I got a bike lock in the mail. I can now lock my bike outside if I go to the Gym. That's nice I guess. I might do the gym later if I can find the time. I need to make a new gym book routine as I hadn't updated my book in 6 months. Going back to the gym will be a nice routine. I'm looking forward to normal. Things in the news suggest that the infection rate has gone up again.

I made a bucket list of things I want to do when things go back to normal. It's eventually become a list of things of 'if I can do this then things will be back to normal'. I was expecting a full reversion back to normal society instead of a gradual one. One of the items on my bucket list was to go back to the tuesday aerobics class. That's a goal. 

Onwards

 Things i am positive about (Tuesday 18 August)

1. I managed to eat after my difficult lack of appetite. It made me very weak
2. I managed to not only to get some bike maintenance done, but I also successfully managed to get  a smoother drive chain movement after clearing the muck from the gear tensioner. It's incredibly satisfying to clean the bike. 
3. I am fighting off some grief at the moment. A death in the family, Mai, and it's hard to think too much about. I'm really having a hard time of it at the moment.

Things I look forward to:

1. The gym opens on Wednesday 19 August, which also includes classes
2. The next bike ride
3. Having some rest (saying that while not resting is hypocrisy)

I really need to rest. I've been through a few living hells lately. 

 A reminder of a mnemonic

A - Accumulate positive experiences - maybe gym when it opens

B - Build masteries in activities - I need to think about this one

C - Cope ahead - I'm working on this. I'm expecting some down time and I've set a routine for days ahead to help if I fall off the wagon.

P - Physical illness prevention - Eat well and sleep well, 

L - Low vulnerability to diseases - I think some of my favourite foods cause heart disease. Maybe I should eat more broccoli

E - Exercise regularly - Related to the gym situation, I might ask if the gym would take my Brompton

A - Avoid mood altering drugs - does pepsi max count? I barely drink and I don't do leisure drugs. I should think about avoiding too much heart diseases causing fast food

S - Sleep healthy - Sometimes insomnia doesn't feel like a choice. I've been working on sleep health a bit lately

E - Eat healthy. That's a day by day issue.

 Today my motivation is at an all time low. i thought it might be useful to list the things that I want to achieve for myself, my goals and my targets. THe things that I need to busy myself with.

• Keep at it with my job and my work
• Keep saving money
• Keep active (when you recover)
• Good health: keeping active, eating well, looking after yourself
• Positive relationships: family, friends and others

Goals:

• Get bodyfat down
• Get weight down
• Learn coding
• Learn mathematics
• Be supportive towards others 
• Do things for the right reasons

Today was a family funeral. Mai had died. I'm not sure how to deal with it really.

 Things I want to work on more:

1. More preperedness for events
2. More time to work on learning to code
3. More time to work on learning mathematics
4. Work seriously on finishing 2 books a week, you've lost your momentum
5. 
   

 So this week. What can I say about this week...

Regarding work. Things are tense with the job loss situation. It seems however that I'm unlikely to be so badly affected by it. At best on aspect of my job will be redefined. Some of my colleagues are feeling this whole thing harder than I am.

Regarding Friends/socialising. I met up with the boys this weekend. That was nice. We had a bit too close contact considering its a pandemic. That worries me a bit. Anyway, we had fun. In fact a few of the guys got a bit too drunk.

Regarding Body/health. It's a heatwave right now. I'm less inclined to go outside. I cycled to the restaurant/pub yesterday (see socialising) and I cycled home around midnight. It was nice as it wasn't too busy. it was the first time I've rode so late at night. I had my lights on. My body has gained a bit of weight and I need to lose it again. I'm looking forward to the Gym re-opening. My friend J said he's not going back to the gym for a while. 

Productivity, I'm working on it. Some things I don't realise how long they take, and I wast the imddle hours of the day working on the things that I end up doing in the late hours of the day. I need to do better on decision making and projections

Here are a list of some of my goals:

• Savings: next major marker: 25k (almost achieved) then 30k
• eat clean
• Maintain plasticity of mind
• Keep active/exercise
• No hoarding
• Get weight down to 102
• Bodyfat down to 29%
• 500kcal daily caloric deficit (not doing so well at that)
• Learn coding
• Learn more mathematics
• Learn more statistics
• Apply statistics and coding to real life (I've been avoiding this)
• Be supportive and loving towards others
• Be more sociable
• Have prosocial relationships (work on it)
• Avoid Avoidance
• Have and keep a job
• Be outdoors more (not necessarily possible with pandemic)
• Gym/training (ibid)
• Keep sober
• Sleep healthy

On reflection I have a lot of things to work on

As an aging millenial,I'm beginning to think about the 'good old days'. I remember Obama, remember Obama? A Michaelle Obama podcast had just been launched and it was a lot about hope and pushing for change.

I've made a decision. I think I'll stop logging on fitocracy. I have religiously been logging on fito but I don't see any point. There are no APIs to speak of and it doesn't really do anything for me.

On another front, 'track your happiness' has returned. I realise that I've been doing on virtually every year since 2010. Back then it was a PhD project. I bet that guy is a professor now. Anyway, it makes me realise how much time has passed by. I'm having a lot of thoughts about 2010. Back in 2010 in the summer, I had some good memories. I didn't yet start working (I think). We went to Thorpe Park, we saw a few cinema movies. When we saw the expendables, one of the guys in our group met a girl, they had a one night stand hookup.  Cut a long story short they are married now. 

Things I did today that didn't make things totally shit

• I didn't self soothe with pringles or takeaway
• I did manage to rest during a weekday
• I got all of my pdf reading done
• I bought a private eye
• I got lunch at the diner's caff earlier
• I had a nice gchat with a colleague
• Got my logging done

Wednesday 29 July

On Wednesday 29 July, I didn't get so muchwork done. The formal consultation process for voluntary and forced redundancies begun at work. 110 people will be met to discuss the future of their role in the company (i.e. they are fucked). I haven't been invited to those meetings. That means I've survived the first wave of cuts. The staff will be reduced by 12%. 

Morale is at an all time low right now. I didn't get much work done. Another thing going on at the same time is that I'm part of an inter-industry body and we have had a report of some bigoted behaviour going on in a member group. We need to get involved to help them. 

dear diary

I've lost my way lately. I've been overeating and my energy levels have been at an all time low.

At work they have announced that there are going to be job losses. There's a chance (although smaller than others) that this will affect my job. It will affect my job title and job description. The company is doing badly in this current economy.

I've been dealing with it by eating more. I've gained 5-6 kg. I need to change my lifestyle around. I need to stop with the pringles and with the takeaways. It doesnt help that I'm forced to stay inside because of the pandemic. I'm feeling very anxious going outside even when it's on the bike. 

I have found some solace in keeping to a routine and some solace in keeping a job. If I lose the job, well its downhill. I find that watching tv helps. watching UFC lately. I've suddenly gotten into UFC. I'm learning to wear the mask in public more. It's difficult to breathe in and it makes my temperature go up when I wear it. I guess i need to get used to it. 

The things I will do before I go to bed tonight: 

• Finish watching this documentary (Jimmy mccogvern drama) called 'Anthony', very moving
• Finish non priority schema
• Finish logging
• Do a diet plan for the next few days

Job cuts have been announced at my work. It's no easy thing to deal with. There's a lack of communication between parties about the whole process. It's going to be between management and a series of delegates. 

I'm scared if I am honest. I have a feeling that people who used to sit on my desk will ...not be there in the future. 

3 things I'm positive about

• I have managed to do some self soothing today and yesterday. by takeaway food and watching tv
• I managed to read a month's backlog of papers stacked up on my desk
• I'm having a hard time and I am having a good go of it, considering all things

Things I'm looking forward to:

• Keeping my job (assumption)
• safety
• health

it was my birthday weekend and I had a good time. then I had a big mood drop. 

i need to think about my precepts, I need to think about my ABC PLEASE

Accumulate positive experiences - I had some. I wish I had fewer negative ones

Build mastery in activities - I need to read more and keep up with the admin. Cycling is all good and well 

Cope ahead - more planning and more admin

Physical illness prevention : I think mental health feeds into this

Exercise regularly: it takes a lot of my mental energy to cycle daily so maybe I don't need to. 

Eat healthily: I think I did okay these past few days?

It was a good weekend which just passed. except for the fact that when things go too well, my brain has a bit of a mood drop. 

On Mondays I get a bunch of reminders from Keep that aim to ground me. Here are some of the insights from those flash cards.

Ask for help when needed

When things get tough, its okay to ask for help,

Think about the future

Think about the future you want and having a better life

Take stock

Think about the things you have achieved and use it as a base

Anger

There are little things I can do to dissipate anger. They seem small but they are like little meanders of a brook, redirecting an instant  flow, having a few bends might just be enough

Think about your goals

I have set out some specific goals. I have a lot to do for sure. It gives me something to get on with

Avoid avoidance

There are a fair few things that I've been meaning to do that I've been putting off. Specifically: there are a stack of papers and magazines that I haven't read yet. I could do that today. If I could just finish my stack of papers today, that would be a big achievement for the evening.

Anyway. it took me a bit of a while to set up today but I'm definitely here. Maybe if I did a full day of work I'd be finished by 7pm. I'm off to the office now.

Every week I look at my ABC PLEASE Mnemonic. I had trouble getting out of bed today. I was very tired. I think it was the accumulation of pushing myself quite a bit the past few days. On Saturday I went down to westminster for a cycle and then I spontaneously was invited to an outdoor restaurant. For context, it was July 4 and the media had called it 'super saturday' as it was when the lockdown began to ease around England (not necessarily around the whole of the UK).

I've been on high gear lately (says the guy with a 2 gear bike) so I haven't had processing time to reflect. So that's what I'm doing now. Lets do ABC PLEASE for this week

A - accumulate positive experiences. Yes I've done a bit of this recently

B - build mastery in activities. Positives where they are due: I'm reading a book almost every day and I'm cycling often

C - Cope ahead. I need to work more on this if I'm honest. Perhaps this means I need to achieve a balance of not doing too many things at once (like cycling). I have a stack of papers I haven't read. I'm 2 issues of private eye behind!

P - Physical illness prevention - cycling, and not too much outdoor stuff 

L - low vulnerability to diseases. Cycling again. But perhaps I should think about mental health more

E - Exercise regularly - I miss the gym. Obviously cycling. I might try a 10 mile tonight 

A - Avoid mood altering drugs - does fast food count? Yes I think it does. I could do a bit less with fast food. On the other hand I haven't had a wimpy in a while

S - Sleep healthily. I think this relates to how I organise myself wider. I need to get my admin done earlier on in the day, finish it earlier and so off to bed earlier. Maybe this means I don't cycle as much

E - Eat heathy. Even though I'm having the fast food, I do sometimes order veg heavy foods

Accumulate positive experiences: work life distinction and cycling

Build mastery in activities that make your feel confident - cycling

Cope ahead: planning and logging

Physical illness prevention: Cycling

Low vulnerability to diseases: keep in good mental health, keep in good diet

Exercise regularly: Keep it up

Avoid mood altering drugs: perhaps fast food as well

Sleep Healthy : I'm working on it, perhaps this is my biggest development aread

Eat healthy: I might need help on this.

dear diary,

i have a notice every week about how to keep well, how to be in good mental and physical health and how to achieve my goals. Also how to avoid pitfalls.

One of the things That is mentioned is to ask for help when needed.

I ask myself: how do I ask for help? Recently at work I asked for help and I received some specialised equipment for my visual impairment. I'/m having a tough time of it and I wonder how else I can ask for help or look after myself.

I think that my new routine of cycling helps.

Oh in case I didn't mention, I bought a brompton and I've been cycling almost every day for the past month. I'm getting up to 9 miles and on saturdays I do 20 miles at least with my friends. 

I'm having some challenging times at work. I need to remember why I'm doing it and remember what its all about.

Three things I'm positive about:

1. Supportive people at work
2. My bike and new hobby of cycling
3. My friends

Things I'm positive about in the future:

1. Enjoying Joe Rogan
2. Enjoying UFC
3. Enjoying podcasts
4. Cycling
5. Gym opening up
6. Keeping a job
7. Getting fitter

Things to improve on:

• social skills
• cycling fitness
• my organisation (life admin)
• my organisation (work)
• my eating
• My sleeping
• Avoidance

Things I've done at work today

I got up at 9am. I woke up 'late' considering I wanted to get up for 6am. I feel like the phrase 'aim for the stars, arrive at the moon' comes to mind.

I have done the following today:

• Clear emails
• Planning
• Updated minor contacts issue
• Delegated reading for later
• Rota management (digital)
• Dealing with rota/holiday issues
• Dealing with rota/holiday issues (2)
• Querying Contracts issue
• Rota issues (opinion desk)
• Rota issues (opinion desk) 2
• Rota issues (opinion desk) 3
• Query payment issue with another desk
• Querying rota planning issue
• Emailed supplier about purchase order issue
• Watched a concert
• Finished audiobook
• Attended a conference talk virtually
• Sorted out last week's magazine payments (3)
• Setting up next week's magazine payments

Things to do before the end of the work day:

• Prep for a 90 minute meeting with some external people
• Meeting (90 mins)
• Send out rota
• Follow up on payment to purchase issue

I think Today is a cigar day. Maybe if I finish by 6: 30 pm I'll go for a bike ride.

plan for next week: 

Monday: Big purge of tasks, get loads of things done that are overdue

Tuesday: Evening meeting, probably can't cycle until after meeting

Wednesday: meeting with big deal organisation to develop training package at work

Thursday: 2 meetings 

Friday: expect bike helmet by now

Saturday: Bike ride?

Sunday: Recovery and admin

dear diary,

perhaps I'll try to take stock of this week.

I've not been too well today and yesterday, but the first half of the week was alright.

I got up late today and I figured to myself if I just sit up the rest of the day would go well. Shall I summarise my week? On Monday I attempted to pump my bike tyre, I think that did more harm than good. On tuesday I seemed to have caught up on my admin from the previous weekend. On Wednesday I walked by the high street and I witnessed a black lives matter protest. On Thursday my under armour trousers, which I love, split. I guess it was nearly 3-4 years old. They were well loved. On Friday I ate a lot. I did a lot for pride at work. On Saturday I went on a big old bike ride. I'm really into cycling these days. I went through the Thames and it was beautiful. Today I'm stil recovering from my cycling. 

That's the high level summary. I'm feeling quite drowsy today and I just hope to make it to the end of the day and have some things done.

i woke up late today but here's what I've done at work sofar.

• Sorting out FTC contract query
• set up upcoming payment 
• set up a recent payment
• housekeeping/email catch up etc
• sorting out latest holiday records (3)
• Chasing up with onboarding issues for returning casual
• P2P sorting 
• More holiday cover sorting -- adapting to some changes
• Sorting out 3 month old payment

Also: fried rice lunch, and a slice of bacon

Plan for today:

Need to do:

• Keep on track with loggin
• read papers
• Be kind

Want to do

• Bike ride
• Sort out bike seat issue (lower the angle)
• Cleanning

Self care

• Eat well (i've been getting a lot of takeaway lately)
• Sleep well (not sleeping well)
• Be organised (i've drifted behind)

work achievements today

• Morning conference
• Emailing about onboarding issue
• emailing about an artist who contacted me on spec (3)
• emailing about new starter
• chasing up about some shifts
• updating new supplier details
• went to strategy meeting

anxiety is really bad today so I'm calling it a half day at work.

Things I've done:

• Cleared emails/kept workflow up to day
• Reading papers (most of the UK papers in fact)
• Sorted a new supplier issue
• A bit of P2P issue
• Cleared outstanding payment
• Routine payments
• Chasing a payment issue
• Saying hello to a new employee and letting them know their holiday entitlement  as they are onboarding this week

I'm riding a storm this week so now I'm just preparing for the waves.

Might finish that michael jordan documentary

working day:

• clearing emails
• payments
• checking security pass accesses
• read the daily paper
• checking shifts
• set up payments for last week's magazines
• set up payments for next week's magazines
• Meeting with editor 

My post an hour ago said I'm not having a good time of it right now.

I like to set generic goals for the day. Part of my process when I use the app Habitica. 

My three goals of the day are:

• Be Kind
• Make the end of today better than how it started
• Aim to improve yourself

I'm feeling miserable inside, angry. I'm not just angry, I'm using anger as a shield to hide that I'm hurt. Maybe I should just admit I'm hurt.

Once I do that I should get on with the day. get on with things, get things done. Therapeutic writing (like I'm doing now) helps. I have no shortage of errands to do I guess. I'll work on this now.

This is very hard to write right now...

Three positives

• weight and bodyfat at all time low
• Things going well with cycling
• Last night I got a really good amount of admin done to keep today clear

Things to look forward to

• Lockdown ending, it will end if we get the rate of infection low enough (R)
• There are some UFC fights coming up in the next few weeks that I could look forward to putting on in the background. It's grounding to just put a big 6 hour broadcast on, even though I might not understand it
• I have begun to find routine things very comforting, so having more tv series or podcasts to come on helps. I'm looking forward to whenever the next Joe Rogan comes out (tuesday). Again it's 2-3 hours of just laying down and listneing to a conversation. 

(not feeling well right now)

Things I did today (work)

• Answered payment query (forwarded to accounts payable)
• Illo payments 
• Headcount report 
• Answered another query 
• Emailed union about covid-19 concerns
• Weekly payments 
• Review payments
• Difficult request to P2P/finance team

Things I did today (not work)

• Woke up early
• received brompton
• attempt to ride bike (failed)
• better attempt to ride bike (4 miles
• Exhaustion/panic after physically challenging bike ride
• recovered from a nasty series of panic episodes

Today fees like the worst day to do this writing exercise but as my piano teacher used to say (to paraphrase): the worst time is the best time to do something.

Three things I am positive about:

• My colleagues value me, we worked on a collab today
• I had KFC after a long time. I ordered off deliveroo
• I had a new cigar today while going for a walk. It wasn't very good but at least I know that now

Things I'm hopeful about for the future:

• Restaurants will reopen
• More UFC
• I'll get my bike soon
• I'm committed to my weight loss

Things I did today (friday 15 May/lockdown) 

Woke up early

Watched morning news conference at work

did my payments

responded to an FTC contract issue 

(observing) an onboarding issue for a new staffer has been resolved

sorted out some logs for invoicing that has gone through

sorted out some invoicing issue with a documentary

sorted out some upcoming invoices to be sorted this month

Half day

---

went for a walk

fell asleep 

listened to quite a bit of an audiobook

watching UFC

takeaway

planning the next week

planning my reading

finishing non-priority schema

ruminating

trying to be kind

keeping busy

Things I've done today (work)

• Sent off a request to editorial systems for onboarding a new staffer
• Payments
• Sorting rota for the editorial cartoon (2)
• Sorting out HR admin for one staffer that I've put off for ages
• Sorted out HR admin for another staffer having a contract extention
• PR request 
• Magazine payments (last week)
• Magazine payments (next week)
• Sorting out more rota for production
• 2 hour conference call on LGBT networks

Other things:

• Cooking
• TV watching
• Feeling good
• wake up relatively early 
• commute was good, only took an hour from bed to desk
• had some snacks after work. 
• catch up with TV and podcasts
• Finished my bertrand russell audiobook

All in all. Except for my anxiety and fatigue, it was a good day.

Recent change: I've bought sparkling water instead of pepsi max to curb my comfort drinking. 

Things I did at work today:

• Payments
• Sorted problems with a tricky payment
• Sent out production rota
• Conference meeting
• follow up action (2) from meeting
• follow up ation (1) from meeting
• Planning for pride/set up meeting
• Playing melodica
• Social conference call

Dear Diary,

For Saturday I had 3 goals for myself: go for a walk/hit steps target, caloric deficit and watch UFC 249.

I didn't do any of those. I managed a walk at the start of the day to buy some papers, but I didn't go any further. I was working on some other admin today so I couldn't managed to get out. I also couldn't find a PPV option for UFC249. I liked that there is only one big sports event right now and so that seemed fun to watch. Maybe I'll catch highlights later.

What did I do today? let's make a list. I'm all about lists

• Bought papers/ went out for walk
• Didn't do passive eating/snacking
• Breakfast at home
• Cooked a big dinner 
• No additional meals today
• (preoccupation) thinking about buying a bike
• (researching) looking into buying a bike
• (event) saw a news story that bike usage is expected to and is currently rocketing
• suddenly decided to buy a brompton before they get sold out by the middle class bike wankers who buy them.
• I received my melodica, I played it a lot
• I played a bit of piano
• I played some more melodica
• I have been deep in reveries
• I did my admin: sorted out some reading, caught up on planning and I'm almost up to date on my records
• I watched a bit of TV
• I went t hrough half an audiobook: Betrand Russell today. I'm on quite a roll with audiobooks right now.
• Read newspapers and did my cutting out of words and sticking it into my diary
• Attempted and failed to check in on a virtual social

So how many things are that: 18 things.

Considering I didn't do the main thing I wanted, I did alright I think. A big part of what my work was today was about setting a plan in place for the rest of the week (Sunday) and the coming week to go to some kind of plan.

I've been thinking about what the end of lockdown would be like. I wonder if I could cope with the old normal. I was often tired, I had a sleep debt in the weekend and I was so ritualistically strict with things like the gym that I was systematically behind on my admin and reading . I feel like if I do go back to the old normal, it will be gradual

My achievements of the day

I'm trying to set 3 big tasks for the day every day. 

I'm also trying to make a list of things I've done in my work day to take stock of how much I've actually done.

I also (as my usual course) itemise all the things I've done. 

My big achievements of today

• Eat healthily (relatively achieved)
• Walking (related to the first)
• Get home and setttle down in time for my friend's facebook live performance

Three of these are related: eating healthily depend on how many calories I burn. Walking affects how many calories I can eat and how many I have as a deficit (deficit = weight loss). How I plan walking and eating affect my availability to listen to Michelle's facebook live gig.

I achieved these three goals

Work achievements today

I received some Emails from HR and the diversity specialist. I sorted out some of this months shifts, all of them in fact. I did some work towards getting an invoice paid out that took me a month last time. I made a beginning on a holiday spreadsheet that I've been putting off. 

Other achievements

I hit 13000 steps, I have a 1400kcal deficit right now. I have finished one audiobook and started another. I'm on track to finish 2 audiobooks tonight! I did some video editing. I did a fair amount of reading. I managed to finish work early. I feel good about myself. I bathed in the beautiful sunlight as I got outside and finally I've been thinking seriously about purchasing a bike. One of those folding bikes.

Thus concludes my day.

Things I have done at work today

I think I woke up and properly got up around 10:45 today. I did wake up maybe around 9 but I felt god awful. It took a bit of time tie adapt and settle in. The first thing I did when I got up was brush my teeth and weight myself. I thought to myself that if I can just brush my teeth, stand up and wash my face. The rest will follow. Brushing my teeth was the hardest thing. It really did feel hard. But then I thought: if I can brush my teeth, I can weigh myself. If I can weigh myself, I can tidy up my bedsheets. Then I thought I just need to sit on my chair and nothing else.l

Since I was at my chair and it was earlier than I usually start, lets just check the emails...

After that I have been at my chair almost consistently working and I did the following:

• Basic payments for the day
• Emailing about diversity and inclusion
• Emailing about a diversity audit (external)
• Emailing asking about LGBT policy for the audit, and other potential talks
• Sorted an invoice that's a month overdue (egg swallowing)
• Emailing about diversity audit (internal)
• Sorting out p2p invoicing issues
• Sorted out some pre-lockdown work commissions
• Filled out my inventory report 

Other things today:

• Lunchtime conference chat
• Playing melodica
• Playing piano
• Listening to about 6 hours of an audiobook

All in all. I think I have achieved a fair amount. It's 7pm now. I should go off for a walk now! 

Things I have done today (I feel low)

Today I woke up exhausted and got out of bed late. I had trouble finding motivation and I have been constantly distracted at work. I also feel that in the actual work itself I've been waylaid by people who have 'quick questions'.

I thought I'd list the (mostly) work things I've done today:

• Resolved an IT query
• Resolved an IT query that required higher up approval
• Sorting out a shift offers for an impending deadline
• Asking about shifts this month (working from home means I don't know whos doing what)
• Responded to an email about contracts (required some research)
• Sorting out separate invoicing issues (about three interrelated issues)
• Planning
• I had a lunchtime chat on hangouts with a colleague
• Planning workflow for the week

So that's 9 things and its nearly 8pm. 

Considering I started today properly at midday I think that's a success.

Okay now off to my walk.

Oh also I feel sad about overeating.

I've set a list of things to go over about life in lockdown.

Rumination

I can't help but notice as time goes on in this pandemic, I get older. My friends get older, my body gets more decrepit and more of my friends are getting on with their lives. I can't help but think, re-think and re process the early 2000s, im getting to the mid 2000s, a touch of late 2000s and a little it of last decade.

Piano

I've started playing piano again. It's deceptive. It's bringing back old memories. I'm not sure that's so good a thing.

Body

I'm not losing weight but I'm not gaining it either. I'm not working out. When lockdown eases I am so going to do the gym more often.

Relationships

Recent 'on this day' markers

2009
2010 - My Brother's debut album went out
2011 - After coming back from the gym, I found out that my piano teacher had died. On reflection it really marked a transition of my life. From one new routine and the ending of the marker of my old life.
2012 - [redacted lol]
2013  - I composed a set of pieces for an Edinburgh fringe show
2014 - Working at commercial legal
2015 - Went to an open day where my former headmaster was a principal of the college
2016 - my last shift on syndication

2018 - I gave a talk at Bristol University

Gratitude

Every morning I have a reminder tab from Google Keep about best practices for a productive start of the day. One of the tasks is to set a gratitude exercise: of what do I feel gratitude

• I'm happy that my bodyfat went down today
• I'm happy that I have mum and dad
• I have a great brother. So good that I don't deserve him. He's one of those rare things, he's a brother and a friend. 
• I have reasonable sight. 
• My WFH laptop is becoming a new friend

This whole covid-19 thing is getting to me. T and I have had a falling out. She's been ghosting me for 2 weeks. I miss her a lot. 

I'm having weird dreams. I had a dream that I had an utterly mundane conversation, but its mundane that I crave so much. 

On my google keep I have a series of flash cards to teach me emotional and psychological good habits.

One of my flash cards is 'analysis paralysis'. Today is my weekend day and even though I got up later than I wanted to today (insomnia), I have a full day pregnant with possibility.

I'm mapping out all of the things I can do, should do, ought to do etc. I ought to do some of my work work for at least 3 hours for example, there's also a nice club night (online) where some dudes on twitch will be hanging out and listening to metal.

I also want to go out and buy a paper, I want to do lots of things and it all intersects in a matrix. A matrix put simply is a bucket full of numbers. It's up to me to organise the bucket so that its best presented.

My flash card on analysis paralysis says something seemingly contradictory: embrace mediocrity and eliminate bad or mediocre choices. I was thinking how that is an exact contradiction in terms, but the ever persistent theologian in me tried to make sense of it. Here's what I think of this contradiction:

Mediocrity is a state. A state of poor decisions with low effort in the execution and low yield in the outcome. Embracing mediocrity means I don't have to go full throttle on everything. If I tried that I might lose the efficiency and successful execution in everything, in so doing I've tried to do everything well but have done everything badly. That's what I need to eliminate. I can embrace mediocrity in the sense that I should work smart, not hard and I should aim for a few things and not a lot. Do them well but not do much is mediocrity in the first sense. But eliminating bad or mediocre decisions in doing quality work.

I'm in day I think 20 of lockdown and I need to think about the things I am appreciative of:

• Cleaners
• Shop workers
• Nurses
• Healthcare assistants 
• Hospital porters
• Filipinos all over the world
• Mum and dad
• My family which I still have
• My colleagues
• Having a job that still pays me and above average salary yet I still feel I'm underachieving

Anyway I'm going back to being excellent at a few things and overall mediocre. 

I'm working from home at the moment. I started my day late. I was really tired this morning and couldn't get up after last night's insomnia.

One thing that's been on my mind is how to get out of a bad cycle when thigns are rolling downwards.

My eating is not the best right now, my sleeping is not the best right now. Gulping a pepsi max makes me feel better but doesnt aid the cycle. I need to course correct to get to better wellness, I need to aim for better sleep and better diet. I need to keep physicallly active.

Matt Hancock the health minister threatened to restrict the quarantine measures to prohibit outdoor exercise. This won't be too good if that's the case. On the other hand there's good reason to do so as people are populating too many of the local parks.

I'm tempted to go out for a run in a moment. There's plenty of work to do today.

Perhaps I should delegate what I'm suppsoed to do for tomorrow.

I'm not managing too well lately. I'm not doing 'badly' but I'm getting hit and not getting up.

Dear diary,

The whole world is in a covid-19 lockdown. A global pandemic has created a new situation, a global emergency. I'm staying at home and unless I have to go into the office (journalism is key-work) I am almost never outside.

So there's a new normal. I'm realising that lots of people are very vulnerable. My boss had a panic attack. I felt a bit sad about that, I always rely on her to hold the thought. It's now up to me and the other team to hold the fort up for her. Also I kept it super secret about her having a panic episode.

There are lots of negatives. Let's think about positives: I've gotten back into music. I bought a melodica. I'm keeping really productive. I got all my 'egg swallowing' tasks done just now. I have a closer relationship with my colleagues than ever.

Recent events have been an opportunity for me to reflect on the past. Playing melodica and piano has also made me reflect. This saturday i was invited to a heavy metal club night online on twitch. It was a lot of fun.

One thing I've done is try to make a bucket list of what life will be like after c-19 and the things I look forward to.

Let's end my post by talking about 'this week in previous years':

• 2009: My university email account expired, it was a low point
• 2011: I saw Arnold Schwarzenegger outside a red carpet event
• 2012: I hung out with friends and smoked some [redacted]
• 2013: Jamming with friends (resonant to present day I feel)
• 2014: ending of how I met your mother, it felt weirdly emotional to watch
• 2015: When I started taking phones seriously?
• 2016: Working as syndication editor for the sentinel news service, I thought this was the pinnacle of my career, sometimes I still do
• 2017: Got a new bed
• 2019: 1 year anniversary for nintendo switch
• 2020: COvid-19 shit

Three things I'm positive about today:

• Mum and dad
• My health
• Supermarkets

Things I'm positive about for the future:

• Supermarkets
• Drug industry finding a cure for covid-19
• The power of humans to change the world

Wednesday 11 March: I'm doing some campaigning at work about transphobia in the workplace. I'm having lots of corridor conversations. As I come back from these conversations I'm finding out from my desk that the situation in the world is getting worse with the covid-19

Thursday 12 March: I had a phone call with an external partner about the hateful situation I've been in at work. As soon as I get back to my desk, someone is dismissed from my desk to go home immediately. I'm beginning to worry. My boss says I have powers to book people in to work at the paper without as much budgetary scrutiny

Friday 13 March: I'm in a rush and everything seems to be going south. Lots of people are being dismissed from work. I go into a conference call about the workplace transphobia issue but as soon as I get back to my desk I find out that Boris Johnson declares a state of emergency. My boss comes by and asks if I can work from home. I say it's not possible without VPN support, she said she'll look into it.

Saturday 14 March: I am too busy for the gym or my normal tasks. Im working from home dealing with rotas. I go to the gym and slightly stockpile on non perishables

Sunday 15 March: Working from home again. I don't go to the gym today because I'm too busy. I end up working on some admin and trying to catch up on tasks. I make a good effort of it but there's still lots to do.

Monday 16 March: My first 'work from home' day. I can't really do it. My parents are going out and not realising how much of a risk it is. They say that shops are emptying out but still were enough things to buy.

Tuesday 17 March: More work from home. I had a conference call with a group of media industry types as I'm now a representative of a very unfortunate and public issue. I realise that being an aspergers person, I'm at a disadvantage in communication with conference calling.

Wednesday 18 March: I go into work. It's a ghost town but at least the canteen is still up. I was supposed to have holiday that day but I was super busy and work needed to be done. I decide to go in for Thursday as well. I begin to realise my days are numbered.

Thursday 19 March: I'm told that I can have a full WFH arrangement soon. but not yet. I have to come in tomorrow. The trains are still full-ish and I was behind someone who coughed on the train. I was so close that I felt the wind of their cough. I am thinking this is all okay.

Friday 20 March: I finally have my work from home arrangements set up. I do a bit of work but not much. I feel like this is the first full day of self isolation. Mum goes out and says things aren't good outside. Dad goes to mass. The local church says that the archbishop has cancelled mass and will do live stream church services in the future.

Saturday 21 March: Oh wait that's today. I go for a run outside in the common. I see people not obeying the 6 foot rule and people are out with families and elders for walks. I deliberately stopped and paced around them, I looked weird for walking around them and not them. I was thinking how stupid it was of them to hang around in certain parts of the common like where the benches are or the cafe, but then I though: am I no different to them? I went into the more wilderness areas of the common and went for a run. I went to the posh area and went to the waitrose. I bought some nice meat that nobody who panic buys would afford. I bought it for Mother's day. I bought some saturday papers. As I got home I fell asleep. I wake up and my friends are on a conference call to socialise. I eat good today.

This covid-19 thing scares me but I think what scares me is the very short societal changes going on now. What scares me is the inaction of many people perhaps even myself. The prime minister on Thursday this week said it would be 12 weeks. Why do I not believe him?

This week in 2020

Monday: I have been told by management that I'm being taken off the pop culture magazine. I have mixed feelings about this. At first I had a sense of loss but then i began to accept this.

Wednesday: someone from The Sentinel leaked on private eye about something I'm involved with. I also have mixed feelings for this. I told HR and they have my back on the issue

Thursday: I had a phone call with a UK media industry networking group. I've been invited to be a rep for a wider industry group of people. After there was the pride group with a lot of momentum around the pride celebration

Friday: Emailing cartoonists and some professional people behind the scenes about my involvement for LGBT representation in the company. I've been really busy and overwhelmed.

Saturday night/Sunday morning: Watching Wilder-Fury with the boys. Afternoon: went to a birthday party at my brother's. He's 40.

I often go into what happened in previous years but the present has been interesting.

Let's talk about previous years ever so quickly as part of my sunday night/monday morning round up:

2011: I was at a charity event at work (when I worked in events) and I saw Bryan Adams and Katie Melua - that was odd
2012: I saw the band Alcest and Les Discrets - probably the coolest i'll ever be
2015: One of the first time my balance went and stayed above £1000 in savings
2015: Received the Merkur 36c razor. The blades I later got only costed about £30, I still have them in my bathroom cabinet
2017: The current editor of the pop culture magazine (speaking from 2020) left the desk in 2017, his homecoming seems like foreshadowing when I frame it like that
2018: Pay rise agreed to £30.4k

Hello friend,

I am currently watching a documentary on universal credit [https://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/m000fjrq/universal-credit-inside-the-welfare-state-series-1-episode-3], the benefits system which is to be rolled out in the UK.

My mind goes back to 10 years ago when I was unemployed. The memories of seeing people have public breakdowns in the job centre and every two weeks trying to justify my existence and applying for jobs I probably wouldn't get in the present day.

In recent months and weeks, I don't really look back much. I don't look forward either. I'm reminded of my 2nd year of uni with the anxiety and how bad that was. But I am also cognizant of the fact that my life then doesnt compare to my life now.  All of the situations in the documentary do make me think that my life could go that way at some point if I ever went south. And so its important to keep fighting. That's what I have been doing of late.

So with that in mind let's think of gratitude, I am thankful for:

• My friends
• My mum and dad
• Central heating
• Being in an area not currently flooded
• Having a job
• The amazing people who run the transport services
• My local newsagents who stock my favourite drink, nutriment. 

I've had difficulties with eating and going outside lately. I barely manage to make it outside and with my food I drink nutriment which is basically a meal replacement drink, fortified flavoured milk.

'Fortified'. that word triggers me. 

In other news, I've been invited to an art event and I might email the nice woman I met at an event a couple of months ago to let her know I'm going.

17 February: over the years

I came across a day that I feel has some kind of cosmic significance. February 17 over the years:

2009: My graduation. In absentia. I think I regret not going to my MA ceremony now.

For the longest time I had a belief that I'd see a graduation ceremony again. Perhaps not...

2014: I went to see Pascal and Ami Roge perform the music of Ravel in Maida Vale. When I got home I did some preparations for a big dinner that I cooked for the badminton guys. To this day I still remember cooking that meal.

I realise that there was 5 years between my graduation and that concert. Those 5 years feel further apart than the 6 years since 2014. Like a bell curve or something

2015: I'm working on the features desk. It was really busy working as a casual editorial assistant. I get the impression that I was working on a lot of sections at that time and it felt really good having lots of work opportunities coming my way. I left a note asking future me what I'm doing in present day.

Well 2015 me: Suzy on features sits 2 desks behind me. I'm not a senior assistant and cartoon editor and I make 3 times the amount that I did 5 years ago. Despite this I realise that I'm still a way off the mortgage ladder and even though I have savings I am not in the best of ways health wise. Perhaps things are good but I'm looking at things through the eye of the needle at the moment. Let's carry on

2018: I buy a pusheen duvet set. I still have it. I am having night terrors. I went to LBT but not the other saturday classes. I have a new weekend routine because of [redacted].

Perhaps I should move on.

2020: The manager at work emailed to say she's taking me off of one of my sections. I've been working on that section for over 4 years and now I'm leaving. I feel a bit sad about that. I feel anxious too, threatened, even. I wonder if this will be a positive....

A lot in 11 years. I'm a completely different person. Here's to another 11.

0004
18/02/2020

In praise of my friends

Lots has happened in life over January and February. Also: lots hasn't happened.

Side stepping the above entirely lets speak of gratitude. I feel that its important to express gratitude more:

In praise of my friends

• I have friends who are only a whatsapp away
• I have friends in different time zones
• I have friends I can laugh with, that I can cry with
• I support my friends when I can
• I express emotional candour with my friends
• I have worked towards removing toxic friendships and relationships. To such a degree I feel that I'm the toxic one in their connections
• My friendships have had a long past
• My friendships have a bright future
• I love the people who are my friends.

Dear Diary,

I have continued to be unwell lately. I am able to work, go to the gym, eat, shower and shit. But not much more than that.

I will work on gratitude for my recent abilities and focus on those and not what I haven't been able to do.

So lets think about ABC PLEASE

A: Accumulate positive experiences: I have met some family recently
B: Build mastery - well I have been doing a bit of gym despite my illness
C: Cope ahead - I try to set out a plan for the day to structure and dissipate my anxiety. My paper diary helps

P: Physical illness prevention. I'm going outside, doing my steps and keeping active. I'm trying to eat when I can but not overeat.

L:  Low vulnerability to diseases - pass

E: Exercise regularly - mentioned

A: Avoid mood altering drugs. I don't drink and I hardly wank. I don't do drugs, maybe I should do CBD oil

E: Eat healthy: I'm not doing so good at this. I'm not eating at all on some days

Essentials

I'm not well at the moment. I'm concerned in fact that I might have agoraphobia.

I'm writing a list of things that are essential right now:

• How I wake up determines the rest of my day
• Keeping to a routine
• Find time to go outside
• Remember your responsibilities: my work, my family,
• Look after yourself: eating, sleeping, showering, try not to exceed the eating or staying in bed too long; sleep at normal people times

Once I can deal with those bases, I think I can move forward

Dear Diary,

I've had an awful, awful week. I'm struggling mentally right now.

Instead of talking about that I want to mention the things I appreciate in life:

3 things I am positive about today:

• I have supportive colleagues, friends and family
• I live in relative comfort. A roof over my head despite all the bad things.
• Lucozade is my ambrosia

Dear Diary,

I don't think that I've been in a good way lately.

I think I actually was depressed for a lot of this weekend.

I've been overeating and my way of coping with that has been...more overeating. Semi-related to this, I originally had a big gym workout day planned but unfortunately it seems that I was too sick to go to the gym this sunday.

Sunday is sacred to me and having to cancel that day was hard to do.

I've been thinking about some reminders that I set myself on google keep. One reminder is: commit to fewer good decisions and actions instead of a lot of mediocre ones.  I decided to focus on healing my body and my mind instead of gassing out by trying to be everything at the gym and do everything on my to do list. I ran a projection in my mind of two outcomes: one is me going to the gym unwell and coming home not doing any work. The other is resting and managing to get some work done.

I decided that the latter was the better outcome. However I thought I'd be done by 10pm. It's 2pm and I've wrapped up.

Someone on twitter who is about my age (35 actually) posted something which upset me a bit. She said that given the liklihoods, this decade is going to bring personal tragedies which are unbearable for her. I took that in and I was deeply upset by this as it means similar for me.

I need to realise that I'm getting older, all my friends are getting married and many are having babies. What is my legacy and what am I going to show for my life?

I had this vague idea that I'd be some kind of writer or cultural commentator as well as an academic philosopher. I have done some amazing things that I'm proud of but being a philosopher and a writer haven't been two of them.

I've been avoiding my family, particularly my brother and my sister. They have been reaching out to me (bless them) but I do feel they are doing it more out of some kind of obligation than them wanting to. I feel like I'm a downer for people and I don't want to be around them. I'm also feeling that my life is going in a direction which is not the same path that many others will take.

Similarly I'm beginning to fear that my work colleagues, with whom I've become close, are not people I'm feeling comfortable with anymore. I'm not feeling comfortable with a lot of people and I am quite partial to avoiding.


There's something that's bothering me. When I was in fact in a couple of family gatherings, I noticed that a lot of my family (it's a cultural thing) are very loud. It is also the case that young children by their nature are very loud. Some have a propensity for unexpected high pitched screaming. A lot of this is very draining to me and it has a cost. I wonder if I have a limited capacity to cope with such circumstances.


Gosh that sounds really negative. Lets do some positives.

I met some wonderful friends during new years day. I'm up to date on my work. Despite this weekend and recent over eating I have been quite good with gym over the Christmas weeks. I've kept up with my routine and I'm really on top of my routine. As soon as I finish my computer scanning something I can go to bed. I've managed to catch up on TV and I'm even beginning to book some time off work.

Another thing I did last night (during insomnia) I bought some clothes. I bought some more underwear and socks. My ankle socks have gotten missing   I even bought an overpriced t shirt made of wool and silk (i know silk is evil and I hate that waistcoats have to have a silk back.

When I got back to work on Friday or Thursday, the picture editor at the magazine came up to me and shook my hand, he said something to the effect of: he was really touched that I got him the flowers.  Old J had a bereavement last month and I told him that there's a lot of love for him at the sentinel.

So, december was that month which defined a new beginning for me in 2015. 2016 began the difficult year at work, it began with all the talk of budget cuts and killing contracts and culling staffers. 2016 was also the year of Brexit and Trump. I want to say that seems a distant memory but it god damned wasn't. I have a feeling that this decade didn't go as slowly as the previous one.

As much as there are reasons for reflection and drawing strength from the past decade. My full focus is upon the future. Climate disaster, populism, and so many other things threaten the world. I am proud to be working and at a place which has the audacity to think it can make a difference.

Yesterday was New Years Eve/Day night and I began writing in my new 2020 diary.

I felt sad about finishing with my 2019 diary, I found a page in the diary which was a list of "My extraordinary moments this year". I thought that as the year had just ended I could do a complete list as it is most fresh in my memory. I knew that the first 5 and even 10 were obvious, but then some became repetitious or variations on a theme. I really thought hard about making the following list:

[full list redacted]

A full page. It was difficult while writing on physical paper but it felt worthwhile