Dear Diary,

As september fades, october rises. 

September was the month when I started purging, when Antonia and I broke up and when I was temporarily homeless. 

October is the month of...meeting Adora, my uncle dying, starting work at shambly, and other depressing shit...I think it's time to make october a happy month of good memories! I'm going to survive winter, before I know it the warm season will come again. I could just enjoy the cold as it happens. I'm still not over the love affair that was summer weather. At least I don't have social pressures and worries about sweating a lot.

 

I have found a new app that I am playing with, it has lotso f radio.

Been thinking about getting a new laptop or desktop, maybe a tablet too. 

 

off to sleep. Work tomorrow. I don't think I'll be saying phrases like that much after wednesday. Enjoy the busy work while it lasts - when it dries up I'm back to the comforting certainness of uncertain limbo. 

Today at work I was talking to a couple of new subeditors. I was playing a role. I was nice to them and said things like 'let me know if there's anything I can help with', or 'here you go, pal'. I quite enjoyed seeming like someone to somebody else. How I appear outwardly to people is a mystery world to me. How other people seem to themselves is likewise a mystery. I understand barely how I feel. I have my lampe and that is enough. I am glad Lampe is on life support right now and he will be replaced soon.

 

Today at work I was doing some envelope calculations of how much money I will have earned. I tried to account for tax as well. I am warming to the idea of getting a tablet. I am also keen on getting new clothes, trousers, cords etc. After I get paid I'm going to have to wrok on paying back my dues. Firstly to my parents, and secondly to my isa savings. 

 

At the moment I am warming down. After work I ate, watched some tv, then had a bath, I then watched more tv while doing a bit of work and reading. I read The Sentinel on Sunday today (it's no Guardian I tell you that) and enjoyed the various lifestyle niches. Sunday was quiet. It was my last sunday. Tomorrow is my last money at sport. Then on Wednesday will be my last wednesday, and the last day overall. Then I'm back to 'normal' of not working and waiting for work ...scary. I've got to focus on interviews.

 

While that is happening I've got more hings to move on about the whole aspergers thing. I've got lots to do in the coming days and then some. I won't let computer troubles stop me. Although my computer blowing on me had a pretty problematic turn 

Dear Diary,

 

The calm after the turmultuous anxiety of yesterday. 

My weekend plan went nothing like I expected it to. Part of that was by choice, most of that was not my fault. Being without my schedule has een a problem for me. I'm off to work now. I feel like maybe that might be a relief from my anxiety if I'm at work - oh the irony of that...

 

Off I go.

dear diary,

 

I had a panic attack today. a real one. it felt like I was going mental and losing my mind, it was like I was worried I had crossed over to the truly mentally ill where there felt like a point of no return. 

 

Did I return to the real world? Idon't know.

 

Antonia's daughter has arthritis, we injected these horrible needles into her knees. she cried unbearably. It was one of my darkest experiences, seeing a child cry because of arthritis.She said things like 'why do I have to go through this and other kids don't?' - she asks questions that grown ups don't really have answers to.

She's the bravest person I've ever seen. That little girl is wonderful. I'm so happy that she has a new stepdad and that Antonia is living a new and happy life. 

 

During my visit, my laptop screen died. I'm very sad about that. I had a panic attack about that--although I had a panic attack about other things too...

• Not being able to afford a new laptop
• Being in a shit job situation
• Antonia's daughter's arthritis
• My lonliness
• The lonliness that comes from anxiety and panic
• The sadness of having to return to panic
• During the laptop screen incident, I had to attempt alternatives, I even tried using my old laptop, the one I got from the disability student's allowance. 

 

I'm emotionally and physically exhausted. Tomorrow is sunday work and I'm not even thinking about that. I am not even bothered about it right now. My anxiety is in another place. 

 

Perhaps I should focus on money, earning it and buying a new computer...I was thinking either a high end laptop (which doesn't seem to exist in the spec I want) or, a low end laptop, a tablet, and a high end desktop, so I can be mobile laptoping; travel tableting and high-end gaming at home.

 

I'm going off to bed. I've had a fucking nightmare of a day. The sooner it ends the better.

 

That doesn't even include how i massaged a naked woman today...I think that makes 3 naked women I've massaged this year. Still no sex though.

 

I realise how dependent I am on Lampe - its very disturbing...its very worrying...it also is very asperger-y

weekend away from home.

Dear Diary,

 

As far as my stint working at the editorial desk for Sentinel Sport (and Sentinel sunday) is concerned, I'll have finished up by next Wednesday. It was a great experience while it lasted, however I am now back to the routine of not working for long periods of time again come october, which sorta sucks, knowing that I am capable of working alright for long periods of time and doing something more than directing guests around Shambly arena.

 

So I'm working at shambly today, and I do appreciate getting any kind of working hours. 

 

You know how sometimes I write a post and I say its going to be busy and I dread it? Well that really busy shit has been happening and I'm just trying to strive through it. There's a few jobs I really want to apply to if I have the time, but I'm not sure that I will have the time. This weekend is busy. Here's a rough plan:

Friday

• Go to work
• After work go to Euston - visiting Antonia (who is being difficult)
• Do some catchup during that time

Saturday

• Hang about with Antonia during the day (undefined)
• Go to London
• Go to meeting? (undecided)
• Go to party from 7pm 

I'm preparing a bag right now for travel. I've got to get the essentials, and nothing more. I think I'll take the old alienware with me. 

 

So Off I go. I think I might bag everything up now and head off. I think my bag is overfilled for an overnight stay and taking my computer. Oh well.. Let's not forget as well: on Sunday I'm working. It's the last sunday, and then after that I can get back to the community garden. Hopefully.

 

Onwards.

so much happening I can't even remember it all

Dear diary,

 

There's a fuckton going on. Emotionally, psychologically, in terms of events yesterday.

Summary for yesterday:

• Massive anxiety about timesheet issue - was resolved in an unexpected way, but I had massive anxiety still
• Attractive female colleague I've been working with for a month (lets call her Phrygia)says her ggoodbye, I feel confused emotionally, I think I do fancy her. I feel like I'll miss her. 
• No lunch or gym yesterday, due to poor planning/sleeping late/rushing
• Felt weird about seeing all the freshers at the nearby university hanging about - lots of stuff in the media about freshers week and people starting university. It's kind of ....it's ...more memories of the past
• After work I unexpectedly went to visit Friend who is having a baby with his Girlfriend - had unexpected pizza. Went home later than planned

 

Today - massive backlog of shit today. Got to get on with it. I woke up late, had a long wank and just finished lunch. I have 2 hours to do a fuckton of stuff. Will I get it done? This doesn't feel like my day off. 

 

Other things that may be of note:

• Massive anxiety over the past few days
• Busy weekend that I've not planned
• Planning meeting that I dont want to go to
• Garden stuff being busy
• Tired as shit
• Money problems
• My friend wants me to be a best man of sorts at his wedding...

 

Onwards I go, feeling fatigued. Do I even want to do gym today? 

Dear Diary,

 

Today's my off day.

Maybe a summary of the days:

 

• Saturday: Working at the Sunday Sentinel. I'm sure if you follow the news you'll see that there's the whole Kenya situation going on. It was really heavy. Affected my working day
• Sunday: quiet, manageable, slow. Not bad, I had a nice relaxing intense gym session with sauna afterwards. I played a game with myself: count to 500 in the sauna. I sat cross legged, closed my eyes and tried to focus. It was quite a nice meditative end to training. That kind of sauna was NOT fun. I felt good when I came out, i just focussed on counting, and when I got out my body was covered in sweat
• Monday: major anxiety, lots of shitstorms happening at work. A female editor (i think the only one i've worked with in that department) has not been happy with me and the other temp. Something we had to attend to that we couldn't avoid (computer induction) which meant we were away from desk for an hour. Anyway, the shitstorms managed to deal with themselves and I managed to survive the day. After gym i went to body combat and I got home. I was using my anxiety tactically that day, to avoid my feeligns of hunger through the day (i forgot my packed lunch), and to confront my anxiety my heart was on adrenaline intensity at the gym class. I find that if I run on anxiety fumes I don't last as long. 

 

So today?

I had a 'lie in' - (is it lie or lay?) and I got up at the exceptionally (sarcasm) late time of 10am. I had a nice audiobook on all night, it was comforting. Its on the history of philosophy. So today I woke up, had a wank, a quick one, I came 'quickly' within about 20 mins, i think that I cum quicker when I haven't orgasmed in a long time. It's been probably since thursday since I came. I've been working or doing other shit and this is the only desk day I've had in ages. 

So I'm doing some job searching, email catch up, mooc catchup, archiving....the usual shit. It's keeping me busy enough. I feel like I've got enough to get on with. I kind of feel like this is work, like paid work. I need to think of what I'm doing now like when I'm at the editorial office. At least I don't have to take calls. 

(pause typing to yawn).

The weekend might be busy, or I might choose to do nothing. Might meet Antonia, she's worried about the whole cancer thing. There's another couple of things on saturday. A planning meeting for a group that I'm technically a member of, and there's a soiree for my friend who  moved in with her boyfriend, actually they are all friends, so its perspectival, I might get to meet one of my female besties there, I do have good female friends by the way. I know I don't talk about that much, emphasising more of the girls I seem to have romantic feelings for or who have fucked with my head. Well this girl has neither fucked with my head and I don't have feelings for her, although this one time last month she sent me a picture of her 'gym process' and it was a picture of her wearing less than I think I should want to see of a friend who happens to be a cute girl. It's weird, with female friends I'd get weirded out by the nudity (maybe because I'd find them possibly hotter than I want to think of them), but with my guy friends (who I am entirely not attracted to), we regularly engage in casual nudity and homoeroticism. 

 

Anyway that's probably TMI. I've got work to do. I wonder if that tortelloni is still downstairs,I boiled a wonderful bolognaise tortelloni, it's so yummykins! My anxiety has been consistently  high this month, It's fucking with my appetite, I kind of feel unsure about being around mirrors as well.

 

Anyway, onwards.

sunday sentinel

Dear Diary,

 

So yesterday I was working at the Sunday Sentinel, that was some heavy shit, left leave it at that. It wasn't too busy but it was unfamiliar to me. 

Perhaps today shan't be so bad. I'm heading out now. I am thinking about doing the sauna and gym today, that might be fun. 

 

I had a bit of a weird sleeping experience, for the past couple days I've been having memory triggers. Something at work happened that reminded me of the past. A woman called me about some news story and it turned out she was calling from a place 2 roads away from where I lived during the 'anxiety year' of 2005-6. That's a part of my life I don't know how to react to.

Anyway stuff to do, food to make, work to go to.

 

Off to work, then tomorrow another day. I had bowel troubles on the tube, but I managed it. Used my anxiety training to help.

Things I've done today

Things that don't count

• sleep in
• wank 3 times
• Eat a lot

Things that do count

• Sent off shifts I can do over October (Shambly)
• Purple Schema
• I sorted out a problem with my phone (I think)
• Caught up on MOOCs
• Archiving
• Feedly Catchup
• Felt fatigued, took things at a slower pace

 

dear diary,

 

my phone is fucky right now. I've got to reinstall everything right now.

 

This is distracting me. I've got various things to do on my day off. I'm going to try my best to multitask.

 

 

Dear Diary,

Work was pretty challenging today. I faced it off pretty well at the time, but as I finished it all up and made my way home I started feeling miserable, then there were no places in balance class. After that I went home, thought about getting KFC. I then got home and played piano for an hour. I was working on my mozart, then sight reading rags, then went back to another piano piece, then I did some scales, lots of scales. In fact all of the major and harmonic minors. It felt good. I enjoyed focussing on them, it engaged my brain, it felt like I was accessingsome sense of deep wisdom and ancient knowledge inside of me, it felt like my deceased teacher was still there next to me, helping me.

 

There's a kid we play badminton with, he's starting uni about now. He reminds me so much of me at that age, quiet, nice guy, keeps himself to himself. Uni is going to blow his mind or not, who knows his future.

 

Uni is starting for all those kids. Can't help but think about when I started. One of my friends is writing up his PhD now, another guy...well the less said about him the better, and another guy is a lawyer. I'm almost getting my life on track, working -almost full time hours at the Sentinel. I'm doing lots of stuff, booking travel, taking calls, asking for press passes to fancy events and the workload is really intense. It got kinda too intense. 

 

So I'm reading this thing about panic attacks for CBT sessions (finally started them, thank fuck). It's really upsetting and challenging to read about it and trying to be calm. This is an issue so personal and sensitive to me, I was talking to my doctor last week (who is a pretty woman) about how I feel like I might shit myself. I have anxiety problems DURING the sessions. That's not good.

 

I have to believe that what I'm doing now is significant. I have to believe I'm being strong, I'm being noble, I'm the best person I've ever been. I'm the best that I have ever been. 

 

Right now, I'm thinking about Bristol, thinking about Stoke Bishop and the halls. Its a place that makes me feel fright, makes me feel sad. Makes me feel like I missed out on so much. 

 

I had a bath earlier today, and I had some dark thoughts. I was thinking about how appealing it would be to start purging again. I dont know if I was serous about it, but I did miss the physicalsensations of it. I'm not going down that route. 

Dear Diary, 

 

I am catching up with things today. I don't have time to do it all, unfortunately. I can onlydo so many things, its the whole spoon thing isn't it. I must be deliberate about what to do. Today I decided to lay in bed for as long as I can. I need my rest as my body is just starving with fatigue. I am working tomorrow, the day after in the evening, friday is an off day, then I'm on over the weekend again.

 

This feels like experience for working full time - although I think most full time people don't work after midnight or at weekends, like I do. 

 

You know what's weird is that my presence has been noticed at the Sentinel.

 

something unexpected happened yesterday: I got a letter from work, saying that there is an automatic 1% pension scheme at work, and I can put in contributions towards it that go on top of state pension. That sounds very appealing, not least because it means it stays even when i leave the organisation. I would really love to work for the Sentinel full time - travelling is not so bad, its a great view outside, and its near to lots of gig spaces, near to camden, near to islington, 

 

Anyway, I've got shit to do, in an hour I have to be off to badminton. God it's cold again, I was walking out of work the other day and I thought to myself: hello darkness my old friend...no matter how long I've been away from the darkness it still feels as crisp and familiar as it has always been, like I've never left.

 

 

bullet points save time

Dear Diary,

 

On monday I have been:

• At body combat after work
• at work
• showing a new person at work the ropes (even though I'm new myself)
• Adapting to the office
• Overcoming the anxiety
• eating junk after i get home

 

This day:

 

• Woke up late - catching up on my Z's
• practiced piano - had an idea for a composition
• listening to an awesome album right now
• thinking about catching up on shit

 

Things I've yet to do today:

• job searching
• email catchup
• badminton
• eating
• tv catchup
• wank

maybe the last 3 aren't priority. 

Dear Diary,

 

This song means a lot to me. It refers to feelings and memories I dont know how tocommunicate. Feelings which perhaps are better left in the past. http://www.animelyrics.com/anime/gundamseed/akatsukinokuruma.htm

 

today was manageable. I managed to survive the shift, survive well. I went on for so long that I actually ran over time. I had enough to get on with today, in fact I didn't even have enough time to get it all done. I had a nice lunch. There was an unusual incident at the cantine today. A guy started wretching, he vomited a bit in the cantine. At the floor downstairs there was an event going on. 

 

A security lady asked me: 'so are you a tutor?' - I felt embarrassed, it was nice of her to think of me as part of that event going on. Then I replied accurately, but it sounded kinda fancy. 'Oh no', I answered, "I work upstairs, at editorial". I paused, this is the part where I say something that sounds human and friendly: "they got me working weekends here! It's not so bad, quiet, but I'm on my own...have a good day!".

 

I feel like a somebody working there. On the way home I was just listening to some music on my mp3 player. I have some chicago blues.

 

I have a creative zen x-fi. It was at the time impressive to me as it had wifi and could connect to servers. Nowadays that mp3 player is as primitive as a 1988 walkman in the age of 1994's discmans and Mini-CDs. My technology is fucking old. I don't care, I'm an early adopter. Shame I didn't adopt the stuff afterwards.

 

I think I've told you the story of my first creative zen mp3 player. It was a creative zen touch, I was living in my anxiety year (2nd year of uni), and I discovered heavy metal in that mp3 player. I still listen o some of the tracks that were on it. 'Party USA' or something by Andrew WK was on my playlist recently, that funny robotic voice brings back memories. I live in memories. I shouldn't. I've done new things, novel things, different things.

 

I don't like how the september has come. My mum asked me to put the radiator on yesterday. Its raining regularly, weather is miserable. 

 

I'm working tomorrow. I'm thinking of doing one or two gym classes afterward. If I do the gym, if I work the hours - I could focus instead on the present and the possible good futures, instead of the past. I should leave the past behind me. I should embrace a future. Uncertainty means embracing things that are different to the now. 

In other news, one of my good mates got engaged. I'm happy for them. I'm having a ted moseby moment about it. 

Bedwards -

Dear Diary,

 

Things that I did yesterday:

• Body Pump at the gym
• Body Combat (following)
• Watching a whole lot of breaking bad
• (wanking)
• Feeling tired

Some days I feel like I need to allow myself to feel tired, some days I can't pretend that I'm holding everything up. My body just needs it. I just need a moment where I can space out and let everything turn to the foreground of my thoughts, let everything be peripheral vision and where nothing is in focus. 

 

So, waking up today, feeling okay. I'm off to work today. I'm feeling half scared about it. Another thing that's fucking with my head is that another person from the scheme I'm in is starting tomorrow. Now its not anything about her personally (she seemed nice when we met), its the fact that I am the pretending to be the 'experienced' person in the office on her first bloody day! That's scary. I dislike it for two reasons, one, is the presumption that I am experienced enough to help her out, and secondly, the feeling that I might get overly involved and not be helpful. I think the latter thing is something I am self conscious about. 

 

So today, I'll be managing the office, on my own, again. How the fuck do I end up in these situations. I hope I don't get anxious like before. I've been trying to think about, visualise that colleague that I think is cute.I'm trying to think about her so much that there is no longer a novelty in her attractiveness and pixie-like otherworldliness. 

I'm so tired of fancying people, fancying people that I have zip chance of doing anything about my feelings. 

As today is a day of anxiety, I might think about the whole bowel movement thing that the psychologist and I talked about. I have been using moodgym lately and its really helpful. 

Dear Diary,

 

I thought I'd make up a writing assignment for myself. Every 3 weeks I set myself a prose writing task: usually that is a poem, or song, or monologue. I think today I wish to make a list, 10 things I like about myself, and 5 things I could improve upon.

 

Things I would like to improve

• My ability to socialise with people
• My ability to ask girls out and talk to girls I like
• My fitness
• My job situation
• My confidence and outward appearance

Things I like about myself

 

• I'm a hard worker
• I am changing who I am
• I am willing to change and challenge my flaws
• I am sensitive
• I am dedicated to learning
• I am committed to doing things for my communities
• I am committed to my fitness
• I'm a good friend
• I am a caring person
• I forgive myself for my past flaws

Found a word that is new to me

Limerence is an involuntary state of mind which results from a romantic attraction to another person combined with an overwhelming, obsessive need to have one's feelings reciprocated. 

It's great there's a word for that. 

I thought it was just aspergers. 

 

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Limerence

last night i saw a guy hand a woman a piece of paper on the tube, it had his number on it, they were on a 20 minute ride on the tube together and as she left they exhanged no words and he just handed her the paper and she smiled - i admire that suave, especially since he was wearing a north face jacket

Notes to self: I need a new jacket. New shoes are a good start, but I need to follow through. 

 

things I've done today:

• Watch Breaking Bad
• Archiving
• Purple Schema
• Non Priority Schema

 

NP tasks included:

• write an email to myself in the future
• put blog tags on my blog
• Check out a couple of websites that I might update on a regular basis. There's one called 'jotme' and another called 'experienceproject' which I use for therapeutic purposes to help me express myself. I'm quite isolated from the wider world and I like just putting it out to the world the things I am thinking. I think I've gotten rid of all the sexual thoughts, experiences and kinky stuff, and now I'm just talking about the stuff that seems true to my heart and of my true concerns. Worries like money, hot colleagues adn so on. 

Okay. time for work now. 

Dear diary,

 

about 40 mins before i need to leave to get to work (shambly, not sentinel). I thought I'd write a few words about thigns going on for other people than me right now:

 

• Antonia is being tested for bowel cancer
• My dad is performing in a play in our native language
• Mum's doing my washing and holding the fort at home
• My cousin is possibly pregnant
• My brother is moving strength to strength with his self-employedness
• My friend is starting his final year at nursing school
• One of our now former badminton partners is going to uni, starting at portsmouth. I hope he has a good time - he's gonna change so much. I kind of see a bit of myself in him, or perhaps better said, my past situation.
• My friend from work (who is also a colleague) is working at the office for the event organisers. He's come back from latin america.
• My good whatsapp friend is coming to meet my bro/her boyfriend for a few weeks, staying at their place. 
• My family friend studying accounting is starting his final year at uni
• My friend from uni is writing up his PhD and moved home in the final endgame of writing his thesis
• The feminists I worked with have debriefed about edinburgh and now moving on to other things
• I've still not seen Fiona, the cute fitness instructor at the gym. I miss her energy. I miss her energy. I miss having a woman to talk to at the gym who is nice to me. I'm not used to talking to nice women.

Maybe I should talk about my conversations/relationships with other people:

• I think my parents are proud of me working full time hours recently
• I am getting on well with my brother
• I've made good friends on fetlife, bizarrely enough
• One girl I chat to regularly I might meet for a date type situation. 
• The trans friend I chat to with psychosis issues messaged me today, she's doing okay. I'm glad to hear from her, but she says she doesn't want to hang around the computer screen too much...understandable.

 

So...this is a summary of what I mean when I say things are busy. I'm busy with work, everyone's busy with other stuff. If summer was good weather, this time of year is about doing things, regardless of the state of the sky. 

 

I had the CBT appointment yesterday. We talked about my bowel problem. she convinced me it isn't a bowel problem as such. Instead I should challenge the anxiety feelings as a way of trying to combat them. This is a big reversal of my thinking. There's a lot going on for me lately. To keep track of it all I need google calendar. I have lots of lists of things to do. Lots of juggling. Tomorrow I'm off. I think for the next couple of weeks however, I will have 5 days work and 2 days off every week - or something similar to that. As such I'll be stretched quite a bit in terms of my energy. 

 

It's time to go to work now. I'm kind of looking forward to events work - the team are like a family. 

Work makes us free

dear diary,

feeling tired today. might do two classes at the gym instead of one. 

Dear Diary,

 

I had a thought: it is a revisiting of my old thoughts from the anxiety days. That thought is: when anxiety makes everything teem longer, time doesn't go as quickly. I can see that in a positive an negative way.

 

I have a day off tomorrow, the morning and afternoon of friday off, and then saturday is the big gym morning session. 

 

I am enjoying Rammstein a lot right now, it reminds me of my pain. 

 

In other news, I woke up and looked at my body, I felt to myself: not bad, coming along nicely with the trainign i see.

 

In other other news. Antonia told me that she is having tests for cancer. This is some heavy shit, I told her I love her and ....well I didn't tell her things will be okay, but I tried to be positive in some minimal way for her.

 

Things I've done Today:

• Badminton
• Job Searching
• Applied to two jobs
• Archiving (Audio)
• Made audiobook playlist
• Made music playlist (2 days long)
• Recieved extra shift (on friday)

 

Not bad for a catch up day. 

I had a bit of fatigue this afternoon. I've also started to watch Breaking Bad since about Sunday. I quite like getting into big cultural tv shows like this. I got really big into Lost, then Game of Thrones, then Oz. It's funny, I find that spending all this time watching tv shows is a way of helping me conform, and integrate into the world. 

 

So I'm working tomorrow. I am feeling anxious about it.

 

The resto f the week goes as follows:

Wednesday - Work

Thursday - See Psychologist, then train

Friday - Work in evening

Saturday - Purple schema tasks

Sunday - working

Monday - Working

Tuesday -  ah I don't know...taking a page from my anxiety past - I don't need to worry too much about shit that far ahead.

 

 

one more post before i leave - since about 2007 I've been using a really antiquated (by now's standards) website to log my weight data. 

Something that is fucked up is that I no longer care about my weight. I do however care about my appearance, and to some extent, my physical health. Although fitness is more to my forefront of minds. 

Anyway, Looking at that data I haven't uploaded any data since 2012 in August. Turns out I have been yoyo-ing over the past few years, but really slowly.

 

Off I go.

Dear Diary,

 

I got a 5 hour shift on friday. for shambly. So, I cancelled on 3 shifts last week. Ended up getting an extra 3 perhaps to make up for it. Fate has been good to me in that respect. However, not being able to afford shit is not fortune. 

I think I have to ask mum and dad for money. "Mum, dad, I need some extra cash in order to travel to work. I'll pay you back, seriously this time. Thanks I love you."

 

I'll skip the I love you bit probably. 

 

In other news, My dad brought over an indian celebrity to our house, and his daughter. Apparently he's a celebrity, in the UK he's just another man. I like the idea of being a celebrity somewhere in the world, like a recognised person people want to be around. That said, I think I like the idea of being anonymous too, Like Adrian Paul in Hertfordshire, or something.

 

Anyway I am off to badminton. I'm as tired as a motherfucker, and I probably will go straight to bed afterwards. I have no spoons today. I've done some job searching and non-priority tasks. Can't do any more right now when I'm so tired. I think that boxing training must have hit me hard.

 

 

Dear Diary,

Today is my 'desk day' - the day off in which I catch up with stuff I meant to do if I wasn't working. 

Things i've done today to catch up:

• Wank
• Job searching
• Sent couple of applications through job boards
• Archiving (audio)

Things I have yet to do:

• Book Review
• Playlisting
• Make book playlists (for academic books)
• Badminton

Gonna take a break for now.

Dear Diary,

 

Sunday felt like a nightmare. How it actually appeared? That's up for debate. I have this very bad feeling that the editor and the subs are going to report me and say I was performing really badly. Most of the day was actually not bad in terms of anxiety, and then it hit me towards the last couple hours. I think the last hour, even the last half hour just felt like an eternity. 

 

Then stuff started feeling like it went 'wrong'. I got home with my heart racing and I couldn't do very much once I was at home. 

 

Today is a new day...maybe less anxiety. I have no more time to write blog stuff right now. So I'll maybe see ya later. 

 

If I could find words for how I felt right now:

 

• Dizzy
• sad
• nostalgic
• isolated
• confused

I chose to set myself five words.

Dear Diary,

 

Anxiety has gripped me very hard today. 

This week in general.

 

 

I feel like as it is happening, my mind is re-living when my anxiety was this bad.

Lewis Wolpert once said: if you don't remember what severe depression is like, then you haven't experienced it - or something like that. I feel like that with anxiety. I feel like, I'm revisiting a part of my past with this anxiety. The worst part of my past. The part of my past I thought I was furthest away from. Why am I revisiting this, why am I re-living this anxiety? Why is this anxiety crippling me now?

 

I'm a different person now

 

but the seeds of those experiences are with me today...perhaps a more apt analogy, I've flowered from what I was back then. 

 

 

Dear Diary,

 

It's been a few days since I've written on here. I've been working at the Sentinel. It's really great. I have had anxiety problems working there, but I feel like I'm settling in. I really like working there. I reallly like working with the colleague in the team I'm in. She has nice hair, cool glasses and shes' super friendly. I like how she loves to read fiction books and how she talks about her family a lot. I find it hard to talk but I feel like I might be easing into conversations with her. 

 

I've been doing gym shit as well, making pack lunches, and reading on the train. I've had lots of weird thoughts in my head lately, mostly things I wanted to blog about on other blogs. I'm probably behind on loads of other stuff at the moment. However I'm glad that I'll be working for a while. I am going to be working tomorrow, and then monday. Off tuesday, on wednesday, off until Sunday again, then monday and wednesday. That's the routine until about...start of october? 

 

I've been doing my best to keep up the gym stuff. I did 'double trouble' this morning, that's body pump and body combat. My body feels very worn down and I am as hungry as a ...horse? 

 

I feel like I ought to make the most of my off day. I'm going to make some food. 

 

In other news:

• My dad is performing in this cultural concert type thing, acting as a fool i presume
• Icancelled 3 shifts at shambly next week, but recieved 2 extra. 
• I'm still worried about money
• I fancy my colleague. I think it was when she said how her nan was poorly and she looks after her -  why does that weirdly make me fancy her? I'm such a fucking cliche. She has this lovely pixie dream girl vibe about her. I don't want anyone to save or fix me though.

*(yeah tell that to yourself at 5am waking up from a night terror)

 

Anyway, lunch! Gonna eat like a...dog? 

These animal analogies are ridiculous

dear diary,

 

So I have some working hours for the next month. This has two implications:

• On stuff I can afford right now (or rather, cant afford)
• On stuff I had planned 

 

Most routine tasks will have to fall to the wayside. My calendar schedule looks like a bomb shelter right now. I'm trying to sort it now.

I'm very worried about money. Every pound counts with travelling. I'm not getting paid basically until about late october, due to the way payroll works, and I definitely could use the money to help me out. My mum said she would in principle help me out, and I'd pay her back. 

 

If I paid back my parents for everything they've done for me, it would be like paying 5 mortgages. I owe them the world, 5 worlds at that. 

There is a smell that is triggering for me. It's the smell of hospital. I smell it on my skin. I smell it on the questionnaire for anxiety that I'm doing right now. It reminds me of the mental ward I was in. 

my records say that I walked 59 miles last week. That's a conservative estimate too. I'm impressed, But I am in no position to rest on laurels. I got shit to do today. I like quick-posting. I have a thought in my head, type it, then its out of my head 

Dear Diary,

So I mentioned maybe that I got the job at the sentinel through a disability friendly agency. I have emailed them just now, asking about if they have any information or help about aspergers syndrome. I feel genuinely confused and concerned about it. The whole aspergers thing is a big wrench to the machine of my mind. I don't know what to think or feel about it.

 

Anyway. Much to do now. 

Dear Diary,

 

The psychologist thinks that my difficulty with handling multiple tasks is due to my aspergers, or perhaps due to aspergers.

 

At the moment I have multiple tasks. Why? Here's why (stream of consciousness mode INITIATE!)

• Been assigned to a new detail at the Sentinel (Editorial)
• Means I have to cancel work next week at Shambly
• Means I have to tell the boss at shambly
• Means I have to put in a new schedule
• Means I have to think about money 
• Means I talked to mum about giving me some money that I'll pay back for a travelcard
• Means I am hungry and I'm not paying attention to food
• Means I was working on receipts and have to put that aside
• Means I have to deal with priorities and not recipts
• Means I'm still hungry
• Means I have lots of other tasks from last week I haven't done yet
• Means I have to do them really quickly
• Means I am in in a rush
• Means I have to reschedule lots of other stuff in the coming month
• Means I have to make a plan for the month 
• Means I have more time for the garden background stuff, but not to go to the garden
• Means I can make the garden meeting, but maybe not in the best position to chair it

 

Now I may be an aspie (that's not determined clinically yet), but I think anyone would find this difficult. If you are a non-aspie and had this situation, and you could cope with all these sudden changes, then you madam/sire are a super-human.

 

Anyway I'm taking a break for lunch. I'm going to then work on green schema, blue schema and think about red schema. 

dear diary,

i must admit my work ethic has been good lately. 

 

 

update on aspergers

the local educational council don't have my information, they deleted in in 2011. So I suggested to the psychologist more leads: my old jesuit school, and my old uni. I think it will be less ilkely they have records on my childhood. 

The conclusion of this is that they cannot give me a definite diagnosis. They can only say its probable and likely. This doesn't help me. As far as I'm concerned, I don't have aspergers unless I have a proper diagnosis. This frustrates me.

I was chatting with my ex on facebook just now. I told her I am co-ordinating the garden project. She said: this is only to bolster the reputation of a bourgeois dinner party circle of faux environmentalistes - I said to her: fuck you I will never be a dinner party circle. 

She smiled.

I wouldn't be involved with environmental projects were it for her. 

 

dear diary,

 

I've not practiced piano that much lately, my anxiety is making me feel/think that it is a waste of time. I'm losing interest in my interests. I need to force myself to make time for piano. Maybe if I make it really specific and direct, open and shut what I want to do, then fuck back on to what I have planned.

 

I think I once said in my blog that the more busy I get the better and more efficient I am at doing lots of things. Or something like that - or hoping something like that.

 

(I am doing my weekly/mmonthly review right now)

dear diary,

 

My anxiety is feeling quite bad right now. I don't know if I will be able to cope with doing the gym to be honest.I need to pretend that I can. I can do this! (I'm pretending)

...but I'd rather be ambitious and fail, than have no aspirations at all.

dear diary,

 

I had my first proper anxiety psychology session. I nearly had an anxiety attack during the session. I had an uncomfortable time physically, and emotionally, talking about what happened in a recent anxiety episode. I feel really emotionally drained. It was really nice to talk about anxiety from a more technical point of view, in terms of trying to understand my body physiologically. I quite liked that. I told the psychologist that I had a problem distinguishing a thought from a feeling. We talked about the aspergers assessment, and this is a possible problem because some of the data that they needed on me was purged.  In short I can't get a definitive diagnosis, but the doctor says its' very likely I have aspergers/on the autism spectrum. But they need childhood data to make it concrete.

 

In other news I'm trying to catch up on stuff. I've put on some medieval period music to help calm me down. I love spotify. I have also found George Michael calming. I dont' think I can listen to avant garde music or black metal very much right now, my anxiety is very high and its afffecting my ability to function. I still haven't really done a proper de-brief (a new word i learned) for last week. I'm thinking of doing a double session at the gym. I think I'm being a bit ambitious with myself lately...but I'd rather be ambitious and fail, than have no aspirations at all. 

Oh fuck, I just realised what day it was today. 

 

September 1st 2007: I started purging.

 

Fucking hell, perhaps my subconscious knew this. Fucking hell. This is the start of when the year gets really sucky. This is when I find it hard. This is the end of summer, this is the start of darkness (purposeful ambiguation). 

 

I have to be strong. I have to face this. I have to persevere. Things are so much better for me in some ways: I'm so much fitter, working situation is (marginally) better...come on man, pull through this.

 

I gotta try not to overthink this shit. 

 

dear diary,

 

doing some archiving, garden emailing, and watching a lecture. I would probably have to do my weekly summary of activities this week. 

 

I haven't done so well on the fitness front I must be honest. I've been so tired working that i have disappointingly barely achieved my minimum.

 

Feeling kind of weird today. I had an unusual chat with someone online today, I said things that may have bared my soul too much. Feeling self conscious about that. 

 

Anyway, I should probably try my best to keep going with stuff. I've got a big backlog of things right now. 

That was the life that was: remembering David Frost

Saw this story in the news today: David Frost has died

 

I want to tell you a story. When I was in my second year at uni, when the anxiety was really bad, I would have lots of little rituals. I would listen to LBC radio to remind me of home, to make me feel like I was still at home. I would listen to newsnight on the bbc website. Back in the days before Iplayer this was. I also used to love watching Breakfast with Frost. It would make my anxiety go away for just a brief period of time. I loved the way that listening to Frost's voice, and the routine of a sunday morning could happen in my mind, just by listening to that show. I would feel like I could connect to the world outside my head, and find out things that were going on in the world. I would find great comfrot in his news and that show. It wasn't the same when Andrew Marr took over. 

 

I remember when the show ended as he retired from the BBC, I felt very sad. It was as sad to me as ending the counselling with Maggie. 

 

I'll miss him. That was the life that was.