catharsis

I was playing the piano just earlier. I started off with my old repetoire. I moved from the slow practising to the faster, and then just working on technique. I then improvised and played around on the keyboard. I then practiced my infamous d minor rach etude. I cried a bit, I cried a lot. The intense feeling of emotion and naked introspection. I was brought to tears with a feeling that resembles some kind of emotional insight or clarity of self.

What did I see in myself? I see a fundamental narragive, a battle for adequacy. I feel constantly inferior and that I'm never good enough. When will I ever be good enough? When will I ever get better? When can I be 'the real me'and when will I be 'there' in the exact place that I want.

I felt the emotional strength of the piece. Emotional expression seems so complex and through music the expression uses no words, and in doing so expresses something with great ambiguity in that we can interpret what we want from those sounds) and direct; insofar as it seems to be the expression of pure emotion. Unbridled by words or thought.

I wept, I held on for a moment, as I felt the warmth within me. I cried because of so many things. I rarely actually cry. I may feel upset, or low, but never do those pure feelings of weeping come out. It felt almost orgasmic in how all-encompassing it was. Feeling the tears dry on my face, falling down my cheek, and the body heat escape my body. It was like I was embracing some long-ignored emotional part of me. Perhaps I can only find expression through the piano.

Words are not very good tools for me. Music is like a blanket of warmth, comfort and my loud speakerphone from which I can scream all the things inside me; and yet, it is ambiguous. I can say the purest things of my heart's content and yetnot be understood of the nuances in my mind. I feel so inferior.

So, as I got back to my computer after a practicing session, facebook tells me that a friend of mine got accepted for a PhD. I thought two things, firstly: nice one, mate. Secondly: when will it happen for me? When will I get my break? I'm a little jealous, but this boy deserves what he gets. The thing that scares me is that maybe I'm getting exactly what I deserved all along: misfortune.

I want things to be better for me; but when will I be worthy of grace. when will I be good enough?

I want to be good enough. I have always been passed over for someone else. Girls, PhDs, life oppurtunities. When Will I get what I want? when will I get what I need....

One must take praise to small fortunes

Today, for about a period of three hours, I felt an utter sense of angst with the problem of computers. My MS word had some kind of bug, so I went through a diagnostic process to solve it. Turns out (after all the reasoning process) that one of the plugins is dodgy so I disabled Endnote and now it functions well. My scheduled task for the moment pertains to my book review, which requires MS word. Now that's fixed I can move on.

Oh, another positive: I got my AC adaptor and it works. Yay!

One must take praise to small fortunes.

Vanities

Last weekend, and last night, I engaged in an activity that I started around the time I was purging. I decided to dedicate some time to my appearance and managing my appearance. I feel a sense of achievement once I have groomed a little, and it makes me definately feel a fair bit better.

When I wax, I feel a sense of acievement as I see those hair follicles come out. Those little black buds when the hair is particularly thick. I feel a great sense of grooming and improvement on my body. You see, I'm quite hairy.

Maybe I have a mascochistic side to me, but I admit that I do find it extrodinarily painful. I waxed my chest and belly last night and last week and it caused an unbelievable amount of pain. I even trimmed the hair to be a bit shorter so that the pain would not be as much. It still bloody hurt. So I have a slightly shaved chest now with patches of hairlessness. I hope that the areas where I waxed will come back less hairy, less thick and perhaps some of those pores will never grow back.

how's that for grooming.

Onwards!

in other news, I ate a bit too much this morning (crackers with butter and toast). Another side to vanity is diuretics, which I've started taking for about a week now. This morning I had a piss with a huge erection. Let me tell you, it's very hard to piss when your cock is on full mast. It made a mess especially because I was tired and couldn't focus. Oh I must sound glamorous today.

Today I ought to get some things done. All that time with the people at Reed have really opened my eyes to self-improvement.

Counting positives

1. Today I finished off all of the hours for Reed at least for four days. I'll be back on tuesday.

2. Today I got paid in the jobseekers with training allowance. A nice hefty sum of money if I say so myself. I think I'll quite miss the reduce in JSA when I finish the stuff with reed. On the other hand; I'll have finished with reed!

3. I applied to 4 jobs today and I must have done about 21 hours with Reed (instead of 16). I'm maxing out on hours

4. I got invited out by my old friend from primary school over the weekend. I ought to follow up that invitation later

5. There's a possible kinky event on friday that I might go to, a munch, that I've not been to before. I will try to wear my sexyshirt. Oh yeah, I better talk about that...

6. I've got a new sexyshirt. It's primarni, but its still soo sexy. With my long hair down and the sleeves rolled up, and a low cut undershirt, I look ultrasexy. The heavy metal girl at reed complimented me. I sort of responded nervously. Physiologically speaking, I fancy her. I acknowledge that it is just a physiological and instinctual thing, and its not my thinking self that actually likes her. My head goes in a weird way when I see that certain girl. I feel like a silly teenager, its like my self wants her attentions and any glimmer I get I feel giddy. That's pretty bad isn't it? Especially since I've been telling everyone that I'm happily single and not looking.  Yeah right, bloody liar.

So, those are my positives. I have some prospects over the next few days; one will definately involve me jogging at least twice, and maybe going out for a social event. Yay!

My ex tried chatting to me on facebook earlier when i was playing castle age. I replied coldly.

She says that she's so happy.

Good for her. I have to focus on my life now. I've felt a determination over the past two days that is so unique, I feel like I'm getting in touch with myself again; my real self. One day, I'll be my real self again. I look forward to it, he's sexy, you know.

Buying a new AC adaptor, and the cute russian girl

I've had a few worries this week. One thing that I wasworrying about was money, and my lack of it. I really ought to go less to mcdonalds and chinese takeaways and such.

Another worry is my laptop. My great elite laptop from the glorious days when I was a masters student; is now a rickety old relative who is on their last legs. The AC adaptor lead has a temperamental loose wire and you have to put it in a certain way for it to work. This laptop has seen me through good times, bad times, worse times, okay times, and hard times.

Yesterday I think I applied to two jobs, one I nearly applied to but did not quite finish. I have lots to do on my job hunt schedule. I've found some of the people on the YPG varied from nice; to quiet, then nicel; to nice, then quiet/non-social; from nice and chatty to provincial and bitchy; from initially threatening to nice; from initially threatening to nice to horrid; from scary to okay, then to funny, then to shardenfreuder when she sat on the table that broke.

I should be more quiet, I have been less quiet in the past few days. From my experience of watching big brother, I have found that everyone takes a role in social situations and everyone comes to take sides. I'm not interested in taking sides. I just want to get on with things and if the social environment was just a little bit more bearable that is good too.

Oh yes I remember now what my other worry is. The book reader from the early limbo days is on the fritz. The 'off switch' doesn't work; even though its the same as the on switch (which works). I hope its just a software error. So, to resolve my worries about the computer, I checked out the technical electrical spec of the AC adaptor and bought a new one. One less worry in my life for now. I really need more than a band aid solution. I need a new laptop. I just simply can't afford it now. And being reminded of that hurts.

I started chatting to this girl on one of the social networking sites I'm on. You won't believe how much she impresses me. It's rare for anyone to impress me, and its romantically special for it to be a girl who possibly likes me too. She's eloquent, exotic, cultured, knowledgeable, well read and accepts all of my weirdness. She's a PhD student with russian roots and travels a lot. She just left london and she's probably doing russian fieldwork or something.

I know a relationship isn't possible or desirable, with her or with anyone right now; but just knowing that someone cute and special and cultured and a little bit disjointed like her exists, makes me feel optimistic about the future. Its not too unreasonable to want a girl like myself. I just forget that they exist.

I have been dreading writing a post as it's been a few days. But I must admit. That was pretty fun to write, and I feel positive now.

Okay. I'm off to reed now, applying to jobs. Wish me luck. And healthy bowel movements.

Self control

Self control is the one thing I probably dont have. Purging, I find a struggle to control. Binging, I have lost control of a negative (what not to eat).

Its good to have control; not to binge not to purge. It's bad when you lose control: binging and purging. What of when you binge but do not purge? That's comfort behaviour. What of purging but not binging? That's also pretty bad, and a self-hating behaviour. What of not purging and not binging?

Wha-? Sounds new to me. Not binging is challenging for me.

Last weekend I didn't purge, but I did binge.
Some days I want to purge when I've not eaten much
Many days I find food comforting, similar to masturbating; its an escape where I can get my head out of the real world and enter a world of comfort  and pacify my self-hate, until I realise what I've done.
It's fair to say that I had a few triggers this week.

Feelings pass. I should remember that.  This morning I felt absolutely exhausted, and then I really needed a shit (laxatives); after spending about 10 minutes in the loo I got my energy back. The cold air raising the hairs on my legs filled me with adrenaline and expectation. The delight of waking up early gave me a further motivation. My motivation is not strong, but I am willing. Today I hope to make something of this day.

I read a bit more from the book for review last night, and I tidied up my wardrobe and sorted out my clothes for the summer in a particular organisational scheme. In addition, I also tidied up some of the tasks over the next week. I have a lot to do, but lets hope for a lot of activity and some catchup this week. As well as some success.

Intention envelopes

Since about last year, I've started a small tradition of writing on envelopes.

I write what thing I want to own in the distant future, and its estimated price. I make rairly resonable and conservative, yet aspirational things that I want. These things would do well to improve my overall well being and lifestyle. I've listed sofar:

1. Bass guitar
2. Bike.
3. Pass plus, refresher lessons (for car)
4. New laptop

These things that I wanted have stayed on the envelopes for a while. If I saved up enough and if I had the money, I'd love to buy them. These enveopes represent my wants, my hopes, what I want as a future to express myself: I want a laptop that isn't rickety or that needs selotape to solve the dodgy wiring; I want a laptop that is high functioning, useful, and a personal expression. For now my laptop is like a band aid solution.

A bike would be a statement of my lifestyle and aspirations. Travelling, going places, high flying, carbon sensitive. A bass guitar is a bit of a fantasy of mine for a while. As for pass plus, I want to drive again. But I understand that's a money issue after the whole charade with the car crash last year.

I'm thinking about what other intentions I would like. Games console? I'm not sure, I dont think that's a priority. Perhaps, if anything, the aspirations I have are larger than small things; perhaps envelops cannot help me. for the things that would really make my life a lot better:

1. Financial stability
2. A place of my own
3. A better body
4. A gym pass
5. A nicer lifestyle
6. A better social life
7. My life back
8. My aspirations and tangible goals that I know I can work toward
9. A PhD placement? That would be really nice

This weekend I have been doing a little bit of stock taking and indulging. Stock taking tasks involved: doing the clothes; washing and drying; hanging up and putting away clean clothes; vacuuming the house. Pampering: I waxed my chest, arms and belly; I scrubbed my feet with dad's ped-egg thing; I think it lost its effectiveness after a while, I stopped seeing skin and I knew there was more I could scrub off. I also put on a facial scrub while I was vacuuming. I shaved after a 3 day hiatus (note to self: I need to shave for tomorrow). I also brushed my teeth.  Life seems like a chore and any stock taking is needed and a positive. I also had a bath.

Regarding indulgence, I looked at a hell of a lot of porn; I did a GCal clearup as I had a serious GCal block. I ate a lot of chinese, watched some star trek, the italian job on the TV; ate more chinese (I bought a lot) and took a fair few laxatives. Did I mention that I looked at a lot of porn. I dont think it was terribly healthy. On the other hand I realised how unhealthy it was to masturbate so much during my depressed days. I think if I wanked less and did more, I'd be a lot better off. I'm a very pleasure oriented person, that's why I react with ascetism a lot. Or at least I think I do.

I did some filing today; sorted out and updated receipts. Cleared up a backlog, and thats where I found the intention envelopes. I thought I'd blog about it since I've not written about them before I do not think. If I did do so it would have been about a year ago. Those days were not happy times. In some ways I'm in a better position, but I am also unsure of the future as I was then.

Writing all of the above seems very positive. I haven't purged in a few days; instead I've been taking lots of laxatives. I knew I would indulge with the chinese and as such I have taken the laxatives. I felt this really weird shooting pain down my right leg earlier but I hope that's nothing, not a heart attack or something crazy. So today i am catching up. I was enjoying watching the london marathon on the telly and it felt very 'british' watching it. It was also very positive and inspiring; some of those people came from pretty dire and challenging situations which led them to undertake the physical feat of jogging the marathon.

Gosh I wish I could do a marathon like that. Maybe one day...
I'd certainly need to train for it. I'd certainly need to train more than I am. I was supposed to go jogging but I chose not to. I got a fair bit more done in its place.

I would like to think that I did not leave the house in a mess, nor did I leave anything incriminating in the house (note to self, clean cum stains).

So, it's another sunday, and another week to look forward to. I hope to have a productive week; there is a hell of a lot scheduled over the next few days. I was supposed to have finished a lot of the tasks by now. I've got a lot of work ahead of me and distractions will be my enemy. As such, I really must take to a better work ethic. I remember those times back in college and uni when I found a challenge and I more or less surmounted them. There were lots of times when I thought that I wouldn't make it. Perhaps I should take a page from those times. So here's me being motivated. Next task: tidy up wardrobe.

This is my intention 'post' :)

The past two days

I am writing this post more like a report than anything else. Today is my 'off' day from the agency. I had long lay in bed, got out about 10:30, had a bath, then put on some new clothes and set up my computer on the desk. I've also started some computer maintenance tasks (backing up, then file sorting) as a matter of 'catch-up'.

It seems now I'm blogging too.

Okay, so lets talk about the past two days.

On wednesday, I started off the day by sending off two emails; one to the police volunteer co-ordinator, and the other to the guy at belgium. Apparently my worries about 'delayed' post were due to his lack of response. The guy was away on a conference and as he came back he found the package. The supervisor found the package with no problems and forwarded it to the relevant authorities. Now all I do is wait, and hope for my life to be judged. This PhD news came to me with a positive energy. As the next couple of days felt like things were going slightly in my way.

I received the monies from the job centre last week, and the travel allowances came in for two weeks about two days ago. I am expecting about 3-4 more payments for travel allowances, but lets see how that goes. A day after emailing the police volunteer co-ordinator; she said that she is organising a shadowing period. I applied for a few more jobs, namely, four.

Two to channel 4 trainee schemes
One to a think-tank type place
One to a university admin vacancy

I have continued the job search and I was consulting the advisor with reed regarding my personal profile and job title goals, as well as my job search activities. The advisor said my job search should go as follows

7 hours a day
1-2 hours searching/prep a day
2 hours applying
1 hour making actual contact with employers a day
1 hour followup - what can i do to make my search better? what can i do to make my application better? that's follow up activity.

He also said that I should apply for 10 jobs a day at an ideal of 50 a week. This sounds crazy, but do-able. I want to aim high. The advisor also calculated that I have a 7-10% rate of getting a response fromthe employers if I am employing at a rate of one a day for the past 6 months. That's no good. If I apply only 1 a day that means I get an interview response maybe every 2 weeks. Definately not good enough. That's why I need to up the ante with things.

Today is the off day, last night is the day that I ate a lot; and the election debate, which was lost on me. The bath was filled with cedarwood, patchouli and lavender. I love those essences.

My parents are going to visit some friends who live very near to where my old university town was. That was a trigger for me. I've had a few triggers lately; I had one today. Mia makes life easier to cope with. Two fingers down your throat makes life a little sweeter. My mind is slowly warped by Mia. Anyhoo, now that I've posted; I can carry on with my day, and job search goals. I'm also doing a bit of job researching too.

Wish me luck. I need it

Regarding my PhD application. Pray for me, I need a miracle.

Positives

Today I list the following positives:

1. I kept active
2. I enjoyed talking to the people at reed; there was this one really cute and lovely blonde girl that I group conversed with
3. I applied to 4 jobs, and lots more to come.
4. I ripped my brother's band's debut album
5. I purged
6. I walked past mcdonalds, KFC, the asian run chicken place, somerfield and the corner shop. They all tempt me.
7. I got some letters from the job centre which are official sounding that say they are putting money into my bank account. I'd like to think that's a good sign.
8. I renewed my antivirus subscription for another year (AVG)

Life crawling, time flying

Yesterday I went to a gig. I dont want to talk about that though. Although it was very important for the band and they have lots of things happening for them in the future; I would leave that story to be told by someone else.

I got up having what I call a lay-in. It's bright outside and the chilly breeze fills the room. I'm still in my pants and I am essentially procrastinating.

*two minute pause*

I think that in order to keep busy I must always keep pushing my bounds. I did enjoy sleeping in for a bit longer but I recognise that I really must keep to my schedule. Lately, perhaps in spite of the REED craziness, or because of it; I've set a great many tasks for myself. I feel quite busy and I have lots going on. I've been searching for jobs and I applied to another one yesterday. I do feel very much like I need to clear up my schedule and make things appear a little less cluttered and orderly.

I have a thing about order, the good thing is that when I'm ticking, things go well and ahead of plan; the bad thing is that when I'm having a slow day I may get behind. This morning I'm feeling a little slow. I'm still in my pants.

I will leave early to go to the agency. Maybe then I shall achieve a lot, and then some. It would be neat if I did a lot today. I am going to go for a walk to the agency, and hopefully relieve myself of my stupour. Maybe I'll get a few things done as a result. So, I say to you today: Maybe when I get back I'll have some more positives to report to you.

I wish I fit into the new trousers that I bought. That's a modest target, Maybe I need to lose 20lbs.

Worn down, used up

No I'm not describing myself, however if you think that's an apt description I wouldn't disagree.

I've gained about 5lbs from overeating between friday and saturday; namely, in the form of chinese food; and I am invited to a barbeque today! FUCK! How am I going to deal with this one? Social eating is the biggest nightmare in the world. You are pressured to eat, and the food is always lovely and scrumptious (in other words, unhealthy). The family that invited us are very good cooks and they know a cake maker who will almost certainly have a beautiful scrumptious cake for the birthday. This doesn't bode well for me.

In other news I have been considering the status of my wardbrobe. I remember when I started this blog in the early days; I had a lot to say very eloquently so on the issue of what I wore and what other people wore, I was cruel and heartless but nonetheless accurate.

My favourite blue cords are worn down around the groin. I have lovely smart navy blue corduroy trousers which are completely whitened out and ground down to a thin slice of its former dark blue glory. The Trousers won't last very long and further to that; I am running out of style options. I seem to be relying on my 'backup' clothes. I don't have a mainstream style anymore. I seem to be losing my aesthetic focus. Right now, for instance; I'm wearing a white thermal vest that I got from primark for about £1; not glamorous but its functional and quite nice. I am also wearing my uni-qlo jogging trousers. I love those, I got them last winter and they are comfy, smart (at least for jogging), thick and quite masculine looking. They are also plain; no three-stripes or nike-ticks. I used to be really into the brand management thing, back before I was a teenager. If I didn't get influenced by the jesuits I would almost certainly have become a chav.

I look behind me at my corduroy trousers laid on my bed. I feel a bit of sadness. I've often said that it is a bit sad when products last longer than relationships. Just earlier this week I had to bin a christmas pudding that my brother's ex bought for the family. My cords belonged to a past era, an era when I was proud, and perhaps arrogant. I thought it would last forever but it didn't.

My trousers represent me. I'm worn down, ground up from greatness to nothing. Challenged and threatened by the grinding inevitability of mediocrity, I persevere but I am a different person after being ground down. What will become of my trousers, as its groin continually faces a battling process of eradication.

If I keep wearing those trousers of the past, I'll eventually tear, right where I dont want a tear; my groin. My groin, the heart of any good pair of trousers. With corduroy trousers, the groin is especially important as it cannot be sewn up, once the thread of the cord lines are worn down to white; its game over for the life of those trousers. They need to change, and so do I. I need to change my clothes and my life, my outlook and my aesthetic values. Its just not working right now.

Solutions:

1. Lose weight
2. Change
3. Feel positive

Results:

1. Happier body
2. Less inadequacies
3. Healthier mindset
4. Refreshing change

Presumptuous me

What I hate the most in myself, and in other people; is when they have some kind of notion of philosophical antrhopology that they impose as constraints on understanding other people; it limits themselves and it limits the degrees of social contact. For me it reduces my amicability towards them.

In short, I hate when people guess things about you. I'd say its okay if people explicitly state an assumption, but I most dislike when such an assumption is constructed as an enthymeme within what someone says. Presuming things like their interests on the basis of their sex or ethnicity. Or, asserting a question, questions normally take the form of a question; it is most difficult however when I find that individuals take to making a question as an assertion; the so-called fallacy of begging the question.

I've found a few people doing this in my conversations of late. I don't like it. I know that in some degree everyone is flawed, but t is always good to work on said flaws. Speaking of flaws, my laziness is coming in this weekend. Right now I'm trying to do a GCal unblock to clear up my schedule. I hope it works.

Anyhoo, I'm off to continue that task.

P.S. excercise more

Efficiency

I am a strong believer in parsimony. If there is something that does the work of two tasks in one; go for the latter. I've downloaded some software that will make my procrastination a little bit more efficient. That gives me less excuse to procrastinate and more reason to get busy.

The past two days have involved things that I am not proud of, but I think I can live with myself. I ate takeaway chinese food, and I spent most of the past two days giving me some 'me' time and resting up a bit more. Police training was good today. I had a nap today listening to a lecture on consciousness. I don't think most of it sank in, but I find it comforting to sleep with intelligent speech on. It's my bubble, it's my safety blanket from the world: academia.

Now that training has finished I can start volunteering for real. I have been entertaining a police career, maybe more a detective than a uniformed police. After police training I went to the area where I used to go to school and went to the shopping centre there. It was nice to revisit, it was warm and lots of sexy ladies were in the hot humid climate in gorgeous dresses. In my jacket and white shirt I felt a sense of confidence. I also felt sweaty, but that gave me a validation of being human as well. Furthermore to that; I went hunting for a new pair of corduroy trousers, I was unsuccessful but I did buy some chinos. I have been overdue for buying some trousers. The problem I have is that most of my clothes date back to the 2008 masters year and perhaps its time to change my style. I thought I'd never change my style once I got thin again.

However times are different and I must adapt. I'm not that thin anymore, and I'm not in uni anymore. I need to dress to reflect my personality and also a new me. I thought the chinos were nice; they aren't smart enough for formal, but too smart for casual, and they have nice jean pockets, durable thread and a good clean plain look that I like. I dress plain. I don't like ruffles and elaboration; I leave that to my hair and my personality to show that. Plainness shows humility, simplicity and yet subtlety. I am very particular with what I wear. I did overspend a bit, trousers were about £32 and I put in £25 to my oyster card. Oh well, such is life.

Other concerns:

1. Don't spend too much money
2. Check on your belgian phd application

Time flies when you're having fun

...that's why yesterday was utterly excruciatingly long.

In other positives, I did apply to a job, draft a covering letter for another vacancy and I have intentions to send out more applications. Today my weight is 227.0lbs, a 0.2 gain since yesterday, that's a sign that my weight loss is a stable one.

I've been thinking a lot about the 'ideal' me. I've come to accept mia as a part of me, and when I opened up to her and faced her smiling; she doesn't know what to do. Sometimes smiling at your enemies confuses them the most. Yesterday was 5 hours wasted at REED, well not wasted; but expecting things to happen when nothing did.

I'm intimidated by the fact that the advisor at REED has some kind of social science masters degree. That fucked over my head and made me feel a bit small. Maybe that was his intention; that's normally what I do to other people. Technically, I'm in a hurry today. I had a lie in today (is that how you spell it? or is it lay-in but pronounced lie in?). I got out of bed not caring about the time, I woke up at a fairly suitably early-late 10am. At the moment I am looking at my GCal, I've entered the weight data into my charts and I'm thinking about the process of the next few days.

So, lets talk about the positives of yesterday:

1. I smiled at two babies and said nice things to them. They were strangers but I like babies.
2. The GP said I don't need a shampoo for my hair problems anymore, and eventually (hopefully) the bald patch will grow over; I'll just need to do a cover-up with a pony tail. That's funny because its not permanent damage (I'd like to think).
3. I got in early at REED; one hour more means one hour less. The 'Journey' course isn't helping, on the plus side the ugly and horridly loud sociable woman with poor english wasn't there today. There are surely a few flawed people among them. I suppose I count in that number.
4. I coped quite well with 'the news' and I think that I am surviving better than I thought I would. You are maturing, man; and I admire that. You will be the person you need to be in no time.
5. I sent off a neat application for an editorial position yesterday. I got a reply to do an online task
6. I called the job centre advisor and she has proposed to call me back at some point; she is sympathetic with my problem (namely, no payment of money into my account and I'm running out of travel money). I felt assured that someone there gives a damn about my plight and sees things the way I do.

Anyhoo, today is another day; and a very sunny one at that. I look forward to the following accomplishments:

1. Last day at REED for the week
2. Sending off more job applications?
3. Searching for more jobs
4. Writing up covering letters
5. Moving ahead with my GCal schedule while 'doing' time with reed kills two birds with one stone. Just try not to do anything too personal as people can see the computers.
6. Eating less means losing more
7. One day closer to reaching the ideal

Further enquiries:

1. Ask if I can get the met police voluntary supervisor if she can sign my timesheets for reed
2. Sort out expiring antivirus software
3. Determine if my package went to Belgium
4. Sort out my JSA payment problem

I think that I'm pretty positive minded today. Maybe something good will come of this. If I need to cry I know that the toilets aren't far away also. Okay lets move on to the main course: off the blog and on with my day!

Introspective time travel

There are some things I feel very difficult to write about. Antonia is engaged now. That's one of them.

Last night I envountered the various features of myself through personification: it was a battle between mia (another personification) and my other aspects. Some visual metaphors were involved. My mind was working in a very high gear and I was in a lot of visualisations in my head. I chose to put myself back in parts of my past. And in those places, I decided; knowing what I do now I want to do better.

One moment was when I was in the mental hospital. I decided; since I'm here again, lets make it end up better this time. I know how it will end up, I know who my friends are and who are not. I'll make it optimal. Maybe I'll get a First this time around...

Another moment I was starting my Masters. I won't succumb to Marie, and I'll work my balls off. Maybe this path will make me an overall different person, but I didn't care, all that mattered was the immediate situation I was on.

Another situation: I was back in the first year of university. In many senses this was where everything begun. I can make it different. Maybe better. I would just like to see if things could be different. Maybe I'd get out more, get involved with more groups, make more friends, do more study, do proper study. Maybe I'll get a first and transfer to the single honours programme; maybe I can ask a girl out, maybe I'll have a one night stand; or maybe I'll perfect myself more in my current vision (given all the pain I had from those experiences).

This morning I woke, I thought to myself as I looked in the mirror: I love your hair. I had bed hair, I dont normally get bed hair. I felt almost as if I were in a new situation. Today I'm going to do all the things on my schedule, and just get on with my life. There were lots of good things in the past as well as the bad. Now I shall embrace the good of the present and my future. I will hopefully use my past experiences of the bad to help me cope, or be more philosophical with the future bad things that will happen.

At the moment I feel physically drained but not 'tired' in the conventional sense. I think I'm hungry. I better have a banana breakfast with maybe some water or milk. Then I'll get on with my schedule for the day.

The last post that I sent was a message that I sent to a girl last night. I write it in a way that would be relevant for a blog post.

Current weight: 227.8lbs
Status: progress

When I'm thin things will be all better.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!! the most open thing i'll ever say

i know you are a stranger and i dont know why i'm bringing all this baggage to the fore.

my ex got engaged. within a week of being in a new relationship.

So, i'm a little upset, and distressed, and lonely, and sad, and angry at myself, and i feel inadequate, and inferior, and useless, and empty.

and fat.

so, when i wake up tomorrow morning. I'm going to decide to keep a productive day that i scheduled, burn calories, keep on my diet, and hope for a positive and better future, and that one of my job applications might be successful and maybe the ghent phd application will lead to an offer and i'll be thin and intelligent and glamourous and great in dinner parties and conversations as i can shift from conversations from 18thC literature to ancient history and start off with sentences like 'i'm not an expert in this area...' but expose my deep knowledge of a subject from reading a book just by coincidence a week earlier. and i'll have gorgeous long hair and a great future ahead of me.

but for now, i'm going to cry myself to sleep. maybe i'm typing this just for myself; maybe its the illusion that i'm typing this as if for another person who assumes nothing about me that i find comforting. maybe i'm just another clingy guy who has 'ex issues'.

nothing ever comes up for me. and today presents another road block. i can choose to let this bury me or i can get on, business as usual. tomorrow i will continue as i always do. i feel better sharing this with you. i dont think i could ever have admitted it so eloquently even to myself

yours
conatus

226.8

Yesterday was an emotionally challenging day. As I got back to REED, I had a long wait. I then found a number of factors that gave me a sense of anxiety, lack of control, unease and worry all in different measures:

• My oyster card cracked
• My oyster balance is low (which ties in to the next issue)
• My bank balance is low
• I am overdue a JSA payment or two
• The Job Centre Plus does not seem to ever want to co operate with me, or make things easy for me; they make me on the verge of poverty until I can get another payment; and they probably have made ANOTHER mistake in order to get me to this position
• The guys at reed are starting t o wear me down. My cheery disposition does not last for long.
  
• There was a guy with a stupid accent who told the advisor guy to fuck off and challenged him to a fight. At first seeing and hearing this made me feel a bit amused, but then eventually the real implications of what he said and his frustrations I found distinctly and resoundingly relevant to my own deep feelings. So that was a trigger of sorts
• Being physically tired led me to be emotionally worn down
• I don't have enough money to fully travel this week
• The people I had to share yesterday's course with made me feel uncomfortable; they were unsavoury, rude, unintelligent and unrefined. In short they were people who were hopeless to get a job. And I shared words with them. i found yesterday a challenge on my patience; a big challenge.

So, the plan for today:

1. Gather up coins to exchange for money in sainsburys
2. Call Job Centre Plus Regarding payment situation
3. Call Job Centre Plus regarding bus pass reduction
4. Go to Ophalmologist
5. Call to book GP Appointment
6. Go to REED (after hospital appointment)
7. Upload CV to USB port
8. Come home and sleep.

Positives:

• I lost weight: My current (post stool) weight is 226.9lbs. I know weight will fluctuate up inevitably, but this is a good start. I didn't eat much yesterday, I'll make a habit of that while I'm at REED :)
• The guy at REED suggested that he will make contact with a publisher who works for New Scientist. Given their publication run, and my interest in popular science, this sounds like a very very neat oppurtunity. Arts graduate = publishing, a match made in conformist heaven (a PhD would be nicer , though)
• I can have more time to work on my Applications now that I have afternoon sessions with REED. This promises for more productive days, as well as a greater yield with job hunting.

My wishes for the future:

1. I wish my money situation would be better
2. I wish I had a job
3. I wish I had a PhD
4. I wish I was thinner
5. I wish I had a social life (depends upon 1,4)
6. I wish I wasn't lonely (depends upon 1,4,5,)
7. I want to be happy with myself (depends on 1,2/3,4,5, maybe 6)
8. I want to be a better person
9. I want to be happy (dare I say that? yeah why not, I mentioned PhD...)

Okay, I'm going to forego my morning wank (whaat!) to start on my day. The phone calls start at 9am and I need to be at the GP by 10am. Time is tight with lots to do.

End post time 7:59.

Morning post

Well yesterday I applied for a I also went for a job. I watched a lecture on classical mechanics and did some reading for my book review. Granted, I didn't read much. Doctor who was interrupting. I find the new doctor who series comforting in a way that I could not imagine. I have been thinking of Antonia's daughter quite a bit lately. It makes me sad. I miss her. I feel lonely.

Today I'm off to the library and then the REED main building. This computer is acting up and I cannot type quickly. So I'm off. Fucking bastard ram

The music weeps for me

I'm listening to Bach at the moment. Rostropovich does Celli Suite 1-6. Listening to bach has allowed me to enter into a window of thought about my ex. Antonia must be happy with her new partner. She probably will get married and have another kid. Maybe they'll live happily ever after.

I can't really be bitter about that. That's nothing about me, her happiness now has nothing to do with me and I should be glad for her if she is happy.

Bach's cello melodies are controlled and yet have a great sense of rubato about it. I keep the music on in my room all the time so that I can hide in the sonic world. I appear emotionally detached to some, but I let the feelings perculate in the music. Instead of the coffee cup of my emotions mulling and infecting every recess of my being at present, perhaps I can externalise the breadth of human emotion through sound. The cello enters reverie after reverie; pondering upon the human condition in its eternal beauty of depth and richness.

Today I ate I nice lovely roast dinner that my mum has made. Over the past few days I have been pondering upon the persons that I used to be in the past. They were all different men, and now I am in the position of self-determination; how do I make my mark on the pantheon of those past selves? Do I improve on my flaws, do I have a unique strength? Will my accolades and prospects and repetoire of talents be the envy of future or past selves? I'm not sure.

Today I shall listen to my Bach, drink warm water after my tummy is full from supper and begin my book reading (for the book review). i am trying detachment to remember the ideals that I used to live up to. I practiced a bit of Rachmaninov and the bloody hard fingerings. Perhaps I can cultivate a new sense of self. Perhaps I can get out of this rut.

I sent off an application today for a research assistant job with a psychiatrist project. I hope it will go well. It pays decently and it's three years. Oh golly that's a pretty good plan B!

Pound for pound....

I have found the person who I've ended up not entirely desirable. However of late I have determined that the fight that I take to myself is one of losing weight and getting the 'good' me back. Instead of the evil, fat me. As such this fight for a thinner me is at the same time a fight for the better me.

I am 227lbs, this week has seen me lose one or two pounds. This is great news. I know that these things fluctuate, but knowing that I can get this low also means that I can stick to this weight and then exceed my losses.

If I am honest, I am not very good at dealing with my negative side, so I have resolved to overcome it by means of adopting a positive attitude. When I jog I think about the dark stuff, but when I do; it sometimes gives me more reason to keep jogging, or the pain I feel comes up in tears; tears that I can easily mask through pain. There's a difference perhaps between the tears of pain when you are trying to lift your own weight through your biceps, and the tears of bad memories. When yuo think of the bad memories as you push your physical limits, it makes for an emotionally draining and cathartic sense of clearing. That's my initial opinion at least. Perhaps I'll change my mind.

Right now I'm listening to Miles davis, and I'll do some reading for my book review. Life is good, but I just need the perspective to see the good in life. A job would help :p

Oh well. I've got another application for today. Wish me luck, niggas!

Weak at the knees

Today I went training. 1hr10mins. 10 Mins included calisthenics, 60 mins included a 1hr route that was 3.46 miles and 5.5km

I am doing 5.5k in an hour; the military ideal is do about twice the length in the same time. I guess you can't get to the destination without getting off your bum. For me, the minimum of 20 mins cardio is a neat achievment. So, going for 70 mins and getting a bit of a sweat, and a sore few parts of my body is a very neat plu. I lost control of eating last night. No matter. Today i expounded at least 500kcal in excercise. So, if I'm counting positives, I made an effort to lose some weight today. Pound for pound, and today I would like to think that I did my bit to fight the battle.

I wore two knee splints. They hurt, but after a while. The hurt turned into determination.

Counting Positives

1. I managed to do my routine of shaving/brushing teeth/facial/moisturiser/post-shave/under eye cream
2. I walked 2.53 miles
3. I had two bananas and a slice of toast covered in peanut butter
4. I passed my ECDL exam
5. After Monday, where I will be confirming some paperworks; I will no longer be going to the library. Maybe I'll be given an ECDL certificate or qualificiation or something to make my passing of the exam official.
6. I can now say that I am ECDL qualified. That will help my CV I guess.
7. tomorrow is a free day so I shall have an oppurtunity to catch up on things and perhaps do some jogging/training

I thought to myself as I opened up this posting window: I can either write a positive post or a negative post. I feel both. But I decided to write a positive post. I don't regret that decision :)

Forgotten corners of my mind

I am reminded of parts of my past.

Past of me that made me a wonderful person. Parts that while wonderful, contributed to my downfall.

I used to be a pianist. I was pretty good considering my disability. It made me feel special. I was special. I need something that makes me feel special and different from other people. If I'm going to a club, I'd metaphorically like to be the one on the stage, not the audience. My brother's a rock guitarist. I guess that aspect of me translates as something to him.

I want to be an academic. That was my dream. I felt that I could progress academically as well as I could a pianist, and more.

There was one piece however, the Etude in D minor that I could never play. That piece has become my symbol, the symbol of my inadequacy, of my failings as a person, as the point at which I begin to give up.

I like to play the piano. For I feel that I enter into a world that I like, a world within my own mind, it is deeply emotional, deeply non-propositional. It is a world of colours and light, tones and chords; harmonies, counterpoints, fingerings and intensity. It drains me but feels wonderful while I'm in that world.

I forget this aspect of me, I deny it. There are so many dimensions to my soul and yet I torture myself. I'm always hard on myself. I'm always forcing myself to read audiobooks about dense subjects even when I feel like shit. I am always striving.

I wish I could control that str4iving. Pure and unadulterated energy and passion is like a fire in the sky; it fades and has no direction. Use that energy in a reactor and you make energy that is useful. I need to find a conduit wherin to put my energies and passions. I need it badly and I need it utterly.

I'm listening to some nice black metal right now. It is emulating that passion I feel.

Hopeless? That's the first word I thought...

I'm doing something that I did over a year ago. I'm opening links to websites on my former university's career service website. Their 'advice' is a batch of URLs that take 5 minutes to open. I'm going to schedule reading them on google calendar and I bet it will spread over the space of monhts to read them all. It's blood history repeating itself.

I am definately going to purge tonight. I just need the parents out of the way.

The port of call

I've been to the career's advice website of my old university a few times over the past year and a half. I feel like I've read it all already, and I feel desperately hopeless as all the websites, e-brochures and the like overwhelm me. I must not fold.

I hate that all my university bretheren are living it up in their own flat shares with grad jobs wearing suits and commuting. While I'm fucking a pillow using my sister's wooden table from like 20 years ago looking for any pathetic job to improve my status.

The election manifestos don't treat the unemployed very well. I'm not happy about a conservative government, nor am I labour...

Its like a race I cannot win. Anyway.

Onwards. I'm not as pessimistic as I sound, really. I'm just gonna put the depressed music off...

The off day

Tomorrow I'm off to do my ECDL exam. It's useful and vaguely enjoyable to undergo. Compared to the other things that REED have suggested I've quite liked it. I've put in 81 hours (apparently) towards the preparation and exam, and in a way I'm glad to have learned things in it. I know about spreadsheets, databases, powerpoint, word, internet safety and other little internet kinds of things.

It's something to put on my CV that is fresh and new. It's a bit aggrivating that the REED guy almost sounds like he's breathing down my back. Further to that, I think that I got the guy at the Exchange group in the library in trouble. I told him that my hours on monday won't be counted on their records for their administrative purposes. The guy at REED went off the rails. Anyway, technically its not my problem, but I've come to like the guys working at the library, they are sweet, kind, supportive, friendly, and just that little bit masculine and sensitive; like a naked muscley man holding a baby in an 80s poster (did I imagine that in my head?).

Today I am taking stock of the fact that I ate way too much for breakfast (I overshot my 1700kcal limit, for one), and today I have gained weight from the 228lb progress. I think that this is just a fluctuation. I'm on the path to progress and this little blip is just that: a little blip. Maybe if I get enough done by 2-4pm I'll go for a nice but gentle excercise. I think the hair is growing a little bit back on my bald patch but it still is very apparent. Not nice.

Anyway, lets' say positives:

I feel clean
I am going to get lots of things done today
I'm going to keep busy
I'll further my job hunt
I'll be productive
I'll be positive
I'll continue my correspondences with lovely girls who have been messaging me
I'll post more on forums to feel vaguely human

Power nap

I hate that word , and that phrase. However it accurately depicts the past hour and a half.

I also add some thoughts:

1. I hate anxiety attacks
2. The most fucked up question in a job interview:

So, why are you interested in being in this job that pays little and you are overqualified for that we will immediately turn you down for? We are asking for a bullshit reason that seems completely empty; I mean, are you going to say that it was your life's ambition to be an admin assistant? No you fucking are not, your ambition is to be an academic and now you are broken down and depressed and poor you are applying for bullshit jobs like these ones and it was always what you wanted.

I'm doing it because I'm trying to move up one rung from the rope. that's fucking why

3. I got a message from a forum from a girl. It reads something like:

I think I'm a *little bit* in love with you

How do I reply to that? Here are some possibilities

i. Don't
ii. Did you send this by mistake? (My preferred)
iii. Are you a man?
iv. Um...hello to you as well?
v. Send a suggested list of readings on marxist theories of art (likely, knowing how much of a geek I am)

I'm not really in the mood for 'hitting' on girls. Not only do I have no experience of it I'm so emotionally drained, fat and hopelessly unlikeable that no girl would ever have interest in me. A thought dawned on me today. What if even if I'm thin that no one would like me? Its a rational possibility.

That's not good

Always something worse to think about I guess.

For nwo I'm searching 19 universities for jobs. Wish me a miracle (I'm beyond luck)

The old adege

You never know the value of something until you lose it.

This is a phrase that is so tired and old. But a good one. I found my oyster card in my toursers. It was a second search into the other pockets. I think I'll list things that I'd like

1. New cords
2. More money
3. More dates
4. Nice summer body
5. A social life
6. New glasses/renewed prescription/NHS pair

That would be neat. Achievable too.

Rational planning

I hate the word rational. But I thought it apt.

Today I got up late, I compensated for this by taking the bus to the library. I was a bit hungover from all the wine drinkage. Last night I was at a munch and I met a guy that I used to sit next to in the library when I was a student. He's a PhD student now in another city and we bumped into each other in a very funny way. Turns out we are both kinksters and are familiar with social theory. It's weird how my 'old life' comes back.

In light of new life, I went to the library today and only spent and hour in the training centre. I happened to spend some time to organise my tasks for the next few days and it looks pretty full-on. On the other hand it will keep me busy with all the job hunting and the like that is to happen. I've also set myself to make a few phone calls which scare me a bit. I need to call to clarify if there are any problems with the JSA as I suspect that there may be. Further to that I am doing a bit of job hunting and leisurely reading.

I can't find my travel card. It's giving me anxiety. I paused to blog. Now that I have, I'm going back to the search.

Today's morning ritual

1. Get out of bed
2. Go to bathroom
3. Wash face
4. Applied Scrub (1)
5. Washed off scrub
6. Washed face again
7. Applied shaving gel (2)
8. Shaved (3)
9. Washed face
10. Applied under eye cream (4)
11. Applied post shave balm (5)
12. Brushed teeth (6 +7)
13. Washed sweaty balls
14. Applied general moisturiser to face (8)
15. Applied scented aromatheapy blend (9)

I thought that I would make today distinct. If I'm going out today, that is.

My legs and upper body are a bit sore. I guess that's a good thing. I ought to record my weight before I leave the house. Onwards

228.6lbs

This is the best news' i've gotten all week.

This news represents that I'm making progress. More than that, it is a return on my weight loss behaviours. My throat is killing me; although besides that my jogging, walking and cutting down of foods is having a neat effect. I ought to do more, and I'm on the right path. Just another 98lbs to go from here.

I believe that I can make 98lbs less. It's an insane task, but hey: I've done crazy stuff before that I'm proud of.

I want to be myself again. The legend, the great one. I've gotten upset a few times and my thinking is that I should not skirt away from what hurts me as that makes things worse; I must take it in and move on. After my 6 hour session at the library yesterday I felt very exhausted and my concentration would not allow me to do anything more. I used up all my spoons.

I've been thinking about a girl that I used to chat to who I have kept in contact with in recent months. She's a depressive and someone whose negativity is very poisonous, she says very bad things to me. I know that when people are down they get out a bit of anger. But personally I would prefer not to be around that. I'm not helping her anymore and she seems to clever by half against my normal ways of helping people.

Today I'm off to the library again and I might also head off to a munch later. That's a bdsm scene meeting where they are in plain clothes. I'm thinking about it.

Body positives

I thought that one way to combat the negative feelings would be to stress the good things.

1. I walked about 4.48 miles today with a calorific spend of about 400kcals
2. I ate two bananas, and a small takeaway snack box which equates to 772kcal and I feel comfortable full. That makes me within my calorific allowance and it also shows that it is possible.
3. I've lost weight since yesterday, that is notwithstanding all the shitting i've done lately.

At this rate, if I were to keep this type of pace I can be in a good route to losing another pound.

This battle for losing weight is pound for pound. It's like the hardest boxing match with the most fierce enemy: my own negativity.

I've done a reasonable amount today and now everything from here on out will be a bonus extra. I think I'll stay in tonight

banana breakfast

after a lot of beef yesterday, I am surprised to find that my weight has gone down. I have half the mind to do a jog this morning to the library. I have decided to spent 5-6 hours there a day. I'm sending off an application by post this morning and I'll pack a lunch as well. I've started the morning by a banana and a cup of tea, I had about three mindless wanks this morning and I came feeling quite sore. Since my shower was yesterday the dick smell isn't strong, yet. Cash is low right now. I think that I will wear my knee supports today to give me some relief.

I'm also thinking about heading off to the local environmental group meeting. I think that I'll give it a miss this month. It's not urgent. Two years ago involve anniversaries of sorts. Of when I met and feel in love with my first girlfriend. I feel sad and mourn her absence. She's moved on with her life. I'm stuck alone in my self-resentment, stagnated and abandoned. No one really cares, but they care enough just if they notice I'm gone. I am, in the words of Rambo; extendable. I thought that I'd avoid purging as my throat is killing me. Purging and drinking are also incompatible, so if I had any intentions to drink purging would be a bad Idea.

As I type I am going on with my morning ritual. On the one hand I regret all the things that have come to pass and I imagine that any little different decision would have made it better. What if I killed myself in 2006? What if I stayed with Antonia? What if I ignored Marie's attention; would I never have ended up with Antonia, got my mind fucked by Marie and been in a PhD in the second year of my project?

A religious and spiritual part of me wants to think just for the consolation (albiet empty) that maybe all of this yucky life-ness will lead to an optimal situation where everything will be of the best possible world. I don't think that will happen, however. I've got my book review to catch up with today. Maybe I'll do 6 hours today and tomorrow at the library, finishing off on Thursday for 4 hours. Maybe that will keep me honest.

The job centre is a grind. Life is a grind. Grinding me down from being proud of myself to hating everything, filled with bitterness I become the corrupted adam. There's so much that I want to say on here. I know that my thoughts are truncated, feeble, inconsistent, short and do not follow from one another. But I feel that if I let it all out on you maybe I'll feel better.

Perhaps you, blog are the only thing keeping me sane. The only therapy and contemplation I have.

Unlike a friend you dont run away when things get awkward, nor do you talk back and judge me.

I wish I made more of my life. I wish I wasn't a loser. I wish limbo would end and I can get on with my real life. I wish that I were thin.

A part of me was thinking: shall I write "I wish I could be happy again", but I decided against it. I'm not interested in happiness. Happiness is like orgasm, it ends.

What I want is the never ending buzz of knowing that I am a valued human being. I want my dignity back and I want my dreams and hopes back. I better head off to the library. I'll try not to eat too much and work the calories today.

I miss being myself.

I suppose that's what I really want again, to feel like myself. The special person that I liked and that people liked. I'm not that person anymore. One day I hope to be, and it will be someone new and someone who lived through my present. That future me will hopefully have learned a lot about himself. I think that I'll clean my water bottle and allow it to dry for when I return home in a few hours.

I think that I'll be out of the house for about 7 hours. Like a day of work, except I only get £100 about twice a week. I'm gonna get out of this and pull through. I'm going to get a job worthy of a masters graduate, I'm going to write books and be recognised. I'm going to have beautiful skin and lovely hair and I'll be loved.

For now, on my own, on the frontiers of sanity; I must love myself.

Off I go.

The fight for a better me

I need to fight hard for a better me. I jogged for 2 hours, trained for 2hrs 15 mins.

Negative thoughts come up from time to time. What I hate is when a person in a conversation brings out the worst in me; they bring out the worst thoughts that you have about yourself and the world that upset you the most so easily and foolishly. All their negativity they project to you. I'm very afraid of being that person too.

Jogging is a health concern, as well as a psychological challenge. I need to stay pure, stay decent, and stay honest. An honest person will stick with you through thick and thin. A non honest person will say they are there for you, without being there for you. My battle is between being the latter and breaking into the former. That is the challenge of my dignity, the challenge of my integrity. I need to fight harder in order to be a better person, as well as a fitter person.

I have jogged 6.72 miles, 10.8k in 2 hours. I think that's about 800 kcal used.

Good work, now on with my day
The time is now 13:37

Reflections

1. I'm making a playlist for the next month, and at the same time I am compiling the material for the playlist after that, so that's music until say - beginning of june.

that's pretty organised.

2. there is a rachmaninov piece that I can't play, its in D minor, it was too hard for my hands to cope with. it is the symbol of my inadequacy. the perfect expression of everything thati s wrong with me. perhaps i'll write moer about this issue

fatisms

You are fat when:

1. you are conscious of shwoing your guy when you decide what to wear
2. you decide to wear things that hide your shame. the shame consumes you to direct your style to hiding
3. you lose the battle of confidence to self-doubt and self-hate
4. the irony of eating to hide your weightly shame consumes you
5. you are overly defensive, you have an attitude of always trying to one-up other people or put them down
6. you are surrounded by negativity, and that negativity makes it worse
7. you hide from the rjection and judgment of others, maybe you hide in food, in humour, in alcohol, in self-deprecation, or academics.

I hope jesus cansave me from my plight. I ate a half pizza last night. I think in the grand scheme of things it wasn't the worst calorific tragedy. I can't afford to keep going out in terms of the expense. On the other hand, I need to get some semblance of life back.

In other news, a girl on a social networking site has been messaging me for a while and she seems really nice, sweet, understanding and accepting of me.

I find it hard to belive that someone can accept me as I am. I am repeating recent history. How will this play out? repeating itself? or ending up worse?

The third rational option still opens: getting better and emerging from it.

Time will tell, time will tell. Onwards to a nice day of activities.

tomorrow?

tomorrow's plan?

- possibly jogging
- maybe a family event will pop up by surprise
- more clearing up tasks
- book review reading (I'm a bit behind)
- sort out new music playlist for this coming month

Last night, today, tomorrow?

Last night

Last night I was enjoying a quiet good friday, which involved me catching up to various overdue tasks. I also felt a sense of not really being motivated. I went for a good jog in the morning, went to mass and then did some job searching. I got a surprise call from some old friends later on and we went out for a nice pizza meal (where because of the staff's incompetence, I got a free starter dish, and my friend got a free pizza); we had a drink at wehterspoons (and I also got another free drink due to staff incompetence), and then saw clash of the titans. While in the cinema I had a little trigger and anxiety attack. I survived though.

I ate a lot yesterday.

Today

Today I watched star trek, woke up late, and now I'm sorting out photographs from previous months to perform verious tasks

1. Clear up laptop photos
2. Put photos in archived external hard disk
3. Upload (selectively) facebook pictures

I've been doing that for perhaps three hours now.

Good Friday

It's been a long time since I've stepped foot in a church, less alone going out of my own volition.

Yesterday I had a really really bad trigger. I had a big purge and then the trigger. When the trigger happened I thought to myself: "Well I'm going on empty so I can't purge..."

Then I got upset and hid away in my room. I woke up quite early, around 5:30, but then I got up about 6. I masturbated for a while and then had breakfast of leftover cod fillet and potato wedges in the oven. I counted the claories and they seem quite healthy for a breakfast. I watched some star trek and then I considered a jog. I went for a one hour session of calisthenics.

After my trigger last night I felt that I was in no mindset to listen to depressive black metal. For me, depressive black metal is what I listen to when I'm not feeling depressed. When I'm really really down, sad is not really the word I can use. I can't really describe it. After all these years I can never capture how it feels, the desperation, imminence of suffering..

Anyway, today is a new day and by lazy standards I just woke up (but I've really been up nearly 6 hours). My head is throbbing (probably relating to purging) and my half-tooth hurts like hell. I've just taken a cocktail of supplements and painkillers (i count 13 tablets in all) which should tide me over.

Here's what I imagine to happen for a better future:

1. More friends
2. A new life
3. A new body
4. A better personality
5. A job
6. more money
7. A PhD

It was nice going to church. Especially on my own. I wish the experience were a bit more solitary. The organist was shit too. But I did feel that I got something out of it.

Today decides my future, my attitude and my body. I jogged about 433 KCal today and as of yet I've kept a low cal balance. I gained weight between yesterday and today, and I'm not too happy about that. I haven't been shitting as much in the past 3 days and I'm expecting a really big one coming up. I wonder if it will all come out at once or will be a painful one that makes me almost feel a spiritual experience due to the pain.

At the moment my head is hurting quite a bit and I feel my thoughts and concentration a bit slower. I think that mia is to blame for that. Alas, since today is the first 'free' day I've had in about seven days I think that I will make some positive use for it. Positive. I forgot that word.

My other thoughts today have led to the poor woman who died last week. I can't imagine what her family are thinking or feeling on good friday. My family are quite dedicated catholics.

Onwards and forwards

Ecstasy

Inebria. Esctasy. Nirvana.

The temporary release from the world. The relief, the release, the pleasure, the comfort, the escape. It drains me even of my energy to make me lethargic. Lethargy is the perfect state to enjoy this form of pleasure.

But then I come to realise as the pleasure slowly fades. I come to realise that my gums are hurting, my throat isbleeding, and I'm not necessarily any less upset from what happened. Nothing has changed, only my stomach contents.

I'm lonely. Am I suffering? I cannot tell.

Perhaps choosing to suffer and inflicting it on yourself makes one forget of their own external woes. I feel in a daze, as if I'm drunk. I could get used to this. A part of me, a critical part feels that this is but escapism.

Rite of Spring

I may have stated in previous posts that I keep a music playlist on my computer that is about 50-120 hours and I circulate and create new ones about every month or 6 weeks (whenever the playlist is depleted). It is great for boosting my music education, exploring new interests and also its a way that I keep in control and systematised.

about last month I thought to myself: it may be snowing now but by the time I put this on the playlist it will be a completely relevant piece.

That piece is stravinsky's rite of spring. I listen to it as the sing shines brightly after a dark hailstorm. Is that symbolic? I dunno. The spring and summer months represent a lot of things normally like new beginnings, fresh starts, wearing less clothes, oogling women from the confines of my darkened prescription glasses, seeing their sexy sexy body parts that i am weirdly attracted to (like feet and armpits - that's perhaps a subject for another post).

I'm reading a blog of a girl I met a couple of times. As I read it I feel suddenly insecure and physically inadequate. This girl is having a lovely and glamorous sex life and can get sex whenever she wants.

Here I am going to learndirect courses in the local library and fucking a pillow while doing book reviews as the only way to get free books and hoping for my pipe dream PhD. I guess everyone is different. I just feel a strange contradiction present in me. Yesterday I was on the same table as a man who came out of a mental hospital who wanted to start over and put his mental hospital darkness behind him. I thought he was awfully brave. On the other hand I know people who are bigshots at music instrument companies, investment banks, and bigshot researchers doing important biomedical research.

Where do I fit in to all of that? That's the question I've been troubling myself with. I don't want to be pretentious and say people are beneath me or that I'm better than them. I'm unemployed, I live with my parents who are very kind to let me stay, and my life has taken a turn for the worse. I think my virginity is growing back.

A thought has come to my mind since a few days ago when I estimated my weight loss timetable. Maybe I should hide.

I was considering that until I'm 'good enough'; until I'm ready and attractive enough to engage in society perhaps I should put my social life on hold. If I keep excercising and working out and purging and lose about 100lbs I'll put new friends and old on hold...

I'm troubled by this very thought. But I hate the judgmental eyes of society. I hate how people look at me, and how I see myself when I have all this excess weight. I hate being unemployed and having nothing to say for myself when the horrid question is asked: so what do you do?

I could answer: oh, I'm a self-resenting bitter angry pillow fucker who has little luck with jobs because his masters degree consisted of chasing a stupid teenaged fake gothic wannorexic attention whore who was polyamorous and in a relationship ( or two) without even telling me even though she knew that I loved her and after a year of having a first relationship with perhaps the most important woman in my life it ended and nearly a year on here I am back where I started before all that university stuff happened; without a job, without a girl, with a belly and without a hope.

Can a PhD offer take all that away? Yes it can. That's why I'm investing so much hope into it.

It seems now that I've said it. It will almost certainly be the case that I don't get the PhD. Okay, Conatus: prepare for failure now.

Life seems pretty shit. I can understand why people hide themselves in alcohol. I think that my night on the tiles means something a bit different.

I laughed at that; night on the tiles, as in toilet; toilet as in purging. Get it? Ah, its wasted on you...

Maybe its cos i'm not white; maybe its' cos of my disability; maybe cos I'm fat?

I was never the kind to make excuses. Why am I starting now?

I need to love myself in order to stop hating myself. I realise that now. The anger is becoming more prevalent inside of me.

thoughts de jour

I hope I am using those french words correctly. I can vacillate between complete awkward stupidity and nervousness; and complete academic confidence. P.S. Did I use vacillate rightly? I mean- correctly

There was a time between 2000-2001 when my biggest aspiration was to do a levels and maybe, just maybe, go to university like my sister did. Not many people went to university back in the 90s; and my sister is the first person I knew, like ever, who I knew went to university. When I was 10 years old, my dad driving up north to seeing her was a monumental change in my life. Seeing her leave the house upset me because I was at the time, very close to her. I'm not so close to her now.

I thought to myself, once this happens everything in my life was going to change and I'd have to face the fact that life goes on and people grow up and move on. I kind of knew that was the case in a theoretical sense; but I never really understood it back then. I suppose that maybe that inability to cope with change was what upset me when I moved to the university town.

Anyway, I mention that because the one thing I wanted to back about 10 years ago was do an 'A' level in english literature. I felt so terribly passionate about reading and english literature and writing essays about ideas and stories. I didn't get in. I got a C grade for my GCSE English Literature even though I put a lot of my intentions into wanting it. I was disappointed. I found, however, that I could choose another subject in its place; so I chose classical civilisation. I think that small decision was not exactly a big one, but had it not been there I would have had a much different life to now.

I was always self-conscious back in secondary school. I didn't look very attractive, and I was kinda pudgy; I had nothing going for me except my music and my budding passion for creative writing. The other really significant thing was that my english teacher said nice things to me. I was the class clown and used to make jokes and laugh at the hypermasculine sensibility present in the all male classroom. In a sense I suppose my humour was, and still is a defence mechanism to wider insecurities. Boys schools are such that you are either the funny one, the tough one or you got bullied. I got a little bit of the latter and a bit of the former.

That sense of inadequacy I felt and sense of striving came from knowing that I wasn't a very smart guy. I was just about middling in academic ability but not good enough to be in the top set. I was expected a string of D's and E's for GCSE results and I despaired at the possibility of GNVQs. In my school; the GNVQ guys were a lower strata, like the Morlocks to the Eloi. I needed to prove my Eloi-ness. Luckily I did. I scraped 5 A-C grades of which 3 were at least a B. I worked pretty hard for it, but my potential was far from being unlocked at the time.

Back then I didn't really have any clear goals and I just drifted through the system. I also used to really like anime and computer games. I was only starting to make some friends. I was slowly fitting in.

I'm not sure why I typed these memories and introspective insights for a blog post. But once the catalyst of one thought in the past came, they all came to flow through. I'm forcing myself to write these days as I'm in a bit of a stupour. I need to push myself more.

Today I've gone down a bit in weight. It's a small step on a longer path. I can only but say that is one positive I can hold on to. Thank you mia.

Thank you for giving back to me.

The funeral I couldn't make

Yesterday (wednesday) was a funeral of a dear family friend. I think when my dad mentioned just earlier that the coffin was open for her body to be seen, that I really came to terms with what happened. Intellectually and emotionally I just cannot comprehend the gravity of her life ending. The poor lady suffered with cancer for 16-17 years and left three children behind.

I couldn't make it today because i had that horrible training course. I stayed on for an hour longer to compensate for a difficulty with no computers initially being available. I went to wimpy to spend about a half hour dining on their double decker burger with chips and coke. In the wimpy I saw a lot of social outcasts, a disabled man, various ethnic minorities, the elderly to whom the staff were very nice towards (I think they were locals and regulars - which is sweet).

Today I am reminded of the character of Jesus. In the past few weeks I've numbered among, and sat among the people that society has forgotten, or dislikes, or rejects. I think that is having an effect on me. One part of me is thinking 'I'm a graduate at a top university and here I am sitting with these people!'; but that's a very small part of me.  Other parts of me feel scared, scared like when I was in the mental hospital. Upset at being reminded of the mental hospital; and another small part of me feels as if I am growing, becoming more aware, more open minded, less judgmental. A part of me feels humbled and humbling to the poor and the sick, to the disheartened and rejected. Very often people deal with this kind of social poverty and rejection by being isolated or exclusive (like gangs and crime), others break down (like the severely mentally ill), and almost everyone else simply gets on with it. This is their life; they deal with it and accept it.

Perhaps a part of me feels that I have not accepted my situation. My ex girlfriend went on a date today with a single dad who is quite similar to her. Good for her. I really and deeply miss her.

Another part of me feels angry, resentful, hateful and perhaps all of that is a foil for my upset.

Also I cant make fat jokes, because I am officially fat now.

FUCK. I ate a nice salmon supper after waking up from my nap. Now I'm messing about on google reader and dealing with a backlog of downloads and articles and sorting out of things. Procrastination in short.

Toxic

There are two things that I really hate:

1. Emotional and personality transparency
2.Self-resentment

Presently, both are swelling up inside of me. I'm getting lots of anger triggers. I'm feeling inadequate because I am fat. I am entering' fat thinking'. I'm angry, maybe because I' upset, or maybe I'm angry to hide jealousy. What is there not to be jealous about? Nothing is coming up for me, NOTHING is working for me and the only respite I have involves two fingers down my throat and a lot of physical discomfort. I purged twice today. I really had to force it on both instances today. The sting on my thrat was distint and unforgettable. There was a momet during the whole process of self-harming when I felt a sense of cathartic and emotional release.

As my weight goes up and my friends like me less; as the jealousy and resentment grows within me; Mia takes control. Mia is my only escape from being such a horrible person. I've turned fat and I've adopted fat person mentality. I've become the very thing that I hate