Things I have gratitude for:

• Mum and dad
• Having a job
• Having people to give presents to for Christmas
• Having purpose
• My ability to keep going

(sorry i must be brief im at work)

Dear Diary,

I'm up late today. I've spent the past few hours catching up on some of my non priority/housekeeping tasks. Tasks which I should have completed by this time last night.

I was up late last night, maybe until 4-5am. I was in fact writing some memoir letters to myself but I also worked on some other things. I was running late because I was side tracked by cooking on Saturday. I was preparing a cote de boeuf as a preparation for Christmas. I'm thinking of purchasing a large beef roast.

I went to bed late and I woke up exceptionally late. I woke up around 9am but then fell asleep again and woke up a 2pm. I felt like it was important for my body to rest so I just let it happen. I have been very busy lately. So busy that I feel like I'm slightly fraying a bit. I think that people close to me are realising that its breaking me apart.

I woke up annoyed that I got up so late because I'm usually entering the gym right at that point. I had to rush and entered the gym an hour later. I hit on the heavy bag really hard for about 30 minutes and then I did my gym classes. I didn't hit 5000kcal like I usually did. 3800 isn't so bad though.

Let's talk about some of my friends. One of them is expecting a newborn next month; one of them had a boy last month; one of them is having family trouble and is working at the Razer pop up store which I am actually looking forward to going to. I keep thinking to myself that this year, this december is going to be like, or is like the great December of 2018 when I saw Aquaman like 5 times and I was so excited to see adverts on the street and in tube stations of Jason Momoa as Aquaman. I felt like I was having a moment where all the things I was into were suddenly part of the cultural conversation.

This year: hmm I don't know. I did do something that's a 'Big Deal' TM but I feel like I want to distance myself from it, draw a line. Perhaps because it attracts praise that I'm afraid of accepting on pain of inflating my ego, but also because I have some other problems right now that I really need to sort out in my life, like finances and my future. My health and my social life. If I don't pay attention to my life, I might not have one.

So let's go back and think about the 'on this day' events of this week from previous years:

• 2013: I saw the band Shining (dsbm) at electrowerks. Gosh That was really a long time ago. I keep telling the story of that gig like it wans't long ago. Jesus Christ I'm past it
• 2014: I've been offered 6 weeks of work on the picture desk and I felt really chuffed at working properly full time for once!; 
• 2015: The day that changed everything: When I was asked to cover for someone at The Sentinel which became my current job role... I wrote about that in the last post so I won't repeat too much
• 2017: Ai Weiwei was giving a talk at the office and said we were a room full of hope. It had an impression on me that he drew strength from us. 
• 2018: I went to see Nightwish at Wembley SSE. I still remember it really well, which is a real surprise. I guess it shows my age that a year isn't really a long time. 
• 2019: It's still fresh and dewy in my mind: that cartoon award and the shopping beforehand. I also had a workplace appraisal and I made a practice roast for Christmas.

I should try to sleep. 

I feel like I'm writing more in this blog. I also feel like it helps. I've had so much happen to me and I've done so much. I've not processed it. Processed it emotionally and also I suppose process how it has changed who I am. I am still trying to tackle who I am. The things that have happened definitely have made me a different person. The things I do like the extreme gym routine also change me but I can't work out exactly how just yet.

Good night reader

It's 4am and I have a lot of things to get on with so I'll be quick.

This week has been amazing.

The Sentinel won awards for something that I was integral towards. It was amazing and I went to an awards ceremony. The woman who won a very important award gave a shout out to me because I gave her the chance to work for the newspaper. It's suddenly solidified the reputation that I have.

On Monday I had a workplace appraisal. Management, plus my line managers and people in my management structure generally (other editors) all say that I am a paragon. I represent the ideals and values of the company and I have immense integrity.

Added to that, after the appraisal, award winning woman told me that she won an award, emphasising how valued I am as an employee. I felt it go to my head and I bought a pimped out costume for the awards ceremony.

It's gotten a bit to my head and I feel very uncomfortable.

My mind goes back to 2006-2007 when I ran the depression support group online. People would say I'm amazing or I'm a hero etc. When I shut down the group I felt like I'd never have anything like that again. It so turns out that I would do something amazing again. Yet I feel uncomfortable. I think there's something about being a hero that means I need to have some distance to the people who seemingly venerate me. Those are the same people who I happen to be close with, getting close with or want to get close to.

Last week after the awards ceremony, I walked home with a beautiful older woman. The older woman was a PhD and did some scholarship exactly in the area in which Awards winning woman worked in. Basically I was doing the real world application of what her PhD was in. That felt a bit heavy. Also, I felt really drawn to her. It felt hormonal, natural and right. Being a paragon and wearing my work identity doesnt allow me to be romantically or emotionally close to anyone else.

I've made some decisions since the awards. I think I'll avoid some people. I'll avoid family over Christmas and I'll avoid work colleagues and not go to every workplace party I'm invited to. I was invited to the pride group, the art team, the features team, the opinion team and the PA/administrators network. I might just go to 2 of those.

In other news: there's a piece on spotify that I've discovered that really gets into my soul: it's a bit from Faure's requiem. It feels so spiritual and peaceful.

I better get back to some shit..

also I've lost a bit of weight due to being so active this week. I'm hoping I'll be skinnier by the time onesie sunday comes next week.

2007 December 1

My mind goes back to it around midday on this sunday just passing.

Why?

It was Eva's birthday. She invited me to her birthday party. I got her a card and present and it was intimate and heartfelt. Eva kissed me a numver of times, sat on my lap but I learned it was performative. I still pause and feel the intense longing for her. Eva had other guys who were into her, other guys who she was sexual with that I later learned about. It was university I should have known better.

I felt and wrote and thought so much about that period after it happened, and a year after. But not so much now. And yet I still feel things. A couple of my songs in my spotify playlist are solely about my memories relating to that period of time and her.

Eva.

I still remember. She must be 30-31 now. God damned!

I remember 2007 Christmas. I met Phil P I think for New Years. He had a girlfriend who was in first year at uni and she seemed nice. I wasn't very happy inside myself and I got thrown out of the club for walking funny (probably seemed drunk or drugged). I lost my space pen and the bouncer told me to fuck off. I felt down and I internalised that resentment. I felt like I didn't belong.

Oh I forgot until just now: I was purging around that period of time.

Purging.

Haven't said that word in a while.

Purging

Gosh. It sounds so powerful to hear it.

I don't know how to feel about it. I don't know how to respond to the person I was back then.

I feel that aspiration, how I wanted to soar to the stars.

I'm not that person anymore. and I don't know how to cope with that. I have brought myself down to the real world. My job at work is to help others soar but never myself. Or perhaps, I soar when I help others soar. I soar when I make it my reputation to help others in an industry with major representation problems.

Anyway.

I think I am done thinking about Eva and December 2007.

That's rumination. I just let myself think about it now.

Now I get on with my life, in December 2019. I'm a cartoon editor now. Not a graduate student trying for a PhD...I never got that PhD.

Good night.

Dear Diary,

It's sunday night/monday Morning.

On paper everything for sunday went by swimmingly. I woke up to go to the gym. I overate on saturday but that gave me more in the tank. I also performed really well at the gym. I did heavy bag, weights, I hit my walking targets and exceeded them, plus I didn't gas out until about 6pm, which I guess is my usual... all the same I nearly hit 6000 kcal.

I've had a good amount of energy upon going home and I managed to get all my non priority schema tasks done. I have just finished my weekly review on time. I had a backlog of about 14 weeks a while ago, but I'm now on top of it.

I think I'd just end my day before trying to go to sleep, by looking at the 'on this day' anniversaries this week:

• 2018 - I went to see Marvel Station with my buddies. I also got a diary for 2019 and we had shitloads of food in the local restaurants after
• 2018: saw creed II
• 2018: Went to Marvel Station with my pal mun, that time was as a press event
• 2018: got a vacuum cleaner present for my parents; bought a John Henric pair of suspenders. Which I still have by the way. 
• 2016: Saw Royal Orchestral society play in Cadogan hall, a guy from my gym plays cello there. Gosh was that 3 years ago??
• 2015 Did a lot of black friday shopping, reflecing the first time I've had a significant increase in income
• 2015: saw the klitchko fight, then things got out of hand...friends drank too much
• 2015: Handover with Ingrud at the magazine. Ingrid was the editorial assistant on the magazine that I used to do shifts for. I was booked on last minute as she was going away.  Then Gemma left (original assistant) and I took both of their jobs.

26 November 2015: that was the moment when I got the call to cover for at least a month on the magazine. A few weeks later, cover on both the magazine and the art section. I was just happy to have a regular gig with 2 day weeks. 

At that period of time I was really into the album by Black Sabbath called The eternal Idol. It was during the period of time when Tony Martin was the singer. It is an obscure era of Black Sabbath history and he's considered the least popular singer in sabbath. That album really pumped me up and it reflected a period of time and a state of mind inside me of: yeah, I've got things to do, I've got motivation and I've got a sense of purpose now.

Little did I know what would eventually happen. All the same, it felt like a good Christmas (if I only could remember it). I felt like things were improving for me. I also felt like I needed to step up everything in my life as I had to think seriously about my routine and think about being serious about going to the gym and not avoiding it on work days. I felt like so many situations for which I've rehearsed in my mind have finally played out, and boy, did they. 

Late November 2018: there was the Creed film plus there was marvel station, socialising, plus Christmas parties (I had about 4-5 different teams). I felt like I was living my insta best life during December. Of course in Christmas and New Years there was the socialising, plus the annual bbq with the boys and World's Strongest Man! All of those things I loved but the thing that really really really pumped me up was: AQUAMAN. I was really into the aquaman film, I am still really into aquaman and I really really loved just seeing aquaman so many times with so many different friends and I felt like this was a movie for me and finally this was my time. I was genuinely happy during December 2018.

Then it passed. It wasn't that I was sad that it passed, it just didn't keep going with the socialising and the movies and hte aquaman. Eventually Aquaman stopped showing in cinemas, the ads got replaced and life moved on. I still pass by the billboards where I saw Aquaman and think of Aquaman. Life went on. Let's digress to a previous Christmas.

2005 or 2006 (I think it was 2006 ed it was 2005 because 2006 was my hospitalisation year). My depression and weight gain and incelish nature were still in their peaks but I was still happy around Christmas. Happy to see my friends, happy to be London me and not Bristol me who was ...someone I had a troubled relationship with. I had my friends and we had Christmas and lots of fun and drinking and dancing (which I don't care for now). I remember as New Years eve ended I felt the sudden realisation that the party was over. 

My depression came back. It was a fight. For 2006 could be summarised thusly: January down. February- May: getting better. June: good. July: okay. August good. September: good-to-decline; October: serious decline: November: (don't want to discuss); December (don't want to discuss but it was bad...).

Writing about this, and memorising, putting this down to words on a screen feels therapeutic. The other thing I haven't realised was that my Bristol Self was different to London Self. Also: my 2004 pre-uni self was different to the uni self. I should write about that at some point. 

I haven't written in this length for ages. Or really not introspected within myself very much.

My bedroom is full of books. I work near the book magazine so we get lots of free books. But the unexplored books are metaphorical to the unexplored texts, meanings, metaphors and meanderings of the mind of unprocessed memories, feelings and events.

That moment in 2015 when I got full gear to work at The Sentinel. I don't really feel like I had taken a break since then. Perhaps I should spend deliberate time to just write in my conatus blog. Time to express myself. I live in these words as I don't really feel like I live in my life. 

Dear Diary,

The last month approaches.

The last month of the year. The last month of the decade. The decade that was...I don't know what it was.

I've spent all of this decade trying to work out the previous decade. I've spent the first half of the decade hating it. I spent 2/3rds of the decade hating uncertainty, and thinking I'd never get a permanent job or a pension.

It's November 2019 and I'm a cartoon editor. I work at the Sentinel news organisation and I have a career job, I have a vocation job. I have a job job. I have the esteem of my peers and my friends.

But I do feel empty, for something I didn't consider.

My friends are getting married, some are having progeny of their own. Many own their own homes. One thing I'm beginning to realise which is odd is that I'm not properly grown up, although I try my best to be. I'm also earning more than the median salary in the country, at the same time, I'm not 'middle class' affluent just yet --- another 5k/year would help.

I spent the late 2000s and early 2010s eating into my nationwide ISA. Mum would give me shit about withdrawing from it. I'd be taking money out because my job in events didn't pay enough for me to live and get some of the essentials like a proper shirt and proper clothes. Now I'm wearing a shirt that I bought from a department store with an amount of money that some people use to buy a cheap suit.

My health isn't so good. My mental health that is. I'm experiencing very bad panic episodes and my anxiety is an all time high. I had trouble getting out of bed today and with low motivation.

I've managed to get all my non priority stuff done in reasonable time tonight. It's just past 1am. It's just gotten into Wednesday.

You know - on this blog I always write about memories. I often ruminate. I feel that perhaps enough time has passed to start talking about the 2010s. The time in which i transitioned from uni into work, from uncertain work into permanent work. From a job to a career.

And how I could lose all of it in an instant.

Let's close this with things I have gratitude for:

1. Mum and Dad
2. My friends
3. A salary

These seem obvious, but I am not sure how I'd cope without the way things are now. I'm sure I would, but it would change my life a lot.

Dear diary,

It's been a rough day today. It's one of those days where I completely lose my orientation and struggle to be normal.

I'm trying to do some admin tasks.

Turns out that I have 17.9k in a portfolio of various assets.

Gosh that seems very grown up. In fairness, 2.2k came from a recent tax rebate.

Need to keep saving...

If I survive tomorrow I'll be alright.

Keep fighting.
M

Things for which I have gratitude

• I love mum and dad
• Bro has been texting me, I'm glad things are okay between us
• I'm going to see some old school friends soon. One of them has a new son and they are getting baptised.

Things I am positive about in the future

• Good health
• Keeping up my income 
• Friends
• Keeping clean

Things I am appreciative of:

• Strong willpower
• Working with amazing people in my job
• Mum's cooking

Things I'm looking foward to:

• Comicon
• Pay day
• Meeting friends next week

That was fairlsy straightforward.

Let's do a new one: Things I need to work on:

• Learn to be a better active listener 
• Learn to avoid interrupting people or domineering people in conversations
• Learn to quiet your mind when you feel hypervigilant - it isn't always about you.

Okay.

THat's my regular task ticked off. Back to work.

Dear Diary,

Lets start off with 3 things I have gratitude for:

• I love my mum and dad
• I am in good health, I have knee issues but I think I'm as good as I can be
• I am well liked at work and mostly in social life. Not including my brother and sister's family

-----------

It's 1:30 am on a sunday night/monday morning. Today I woke up and properly got out of bed around midday. I went to the gym. I have a ritual of training at the gym. I'm hitting 5000kcal while training. It is an extreme amount of exercise but I really like it, its essential to my process and I  am getting cut (or as cut as possible) for MCM comicon. I have an aquaman outfit. 

Which leads on to some of the things I wanted to discuss. Gosh this alienware really feels good when I'm typing. It's been a long time since I've typed in extended prose. I really miss it. I miss writing essays, self expressing or any kind of extended form of expression. Even instant messaging is direct and to the point these days. 

I got my hair done to look like aquaman. I have an aquaman outfit. My gym instructor said that people are secretly talking about my hair (all good things) but they evidently haven't brought it up with me directly. They were saying how lovely and gorgeous it is. 

Lets talk about some other things. On the magazine I work on, my boss has moved on, he's moved to work on Fashion. I'll miss him dearly. I have a new boss on the magazine now, he was actually a junior editor 2-3 years ago and so everyone knows and loves him. It feels like a homecoming in some ways but in others, I have felt a bond with Priya that I won't have with anyone else. 

Some other things at work: 2 of of my bosses are away and I'm acting like the boss. I'm not officially the boss but I've apparently taken charge. In addition, some of my decisions as 'cartoon editor' have made a real impact and are being recognised. I feel like I'm getting somewhere with that.

Does it all matter though? I could lose my job and all of the things I've achieved, all the reputation I have will not mean much. In the outside world, it doesn't really mean so much to work in an international news organisation, an infographics and design team and under the managing editor as well as being a cartoon editor. 

I've been going to the gym after work, I've been so worn out that I've not been able tdo my logging, relax or anything else of my usual routine. I have been trying to go to a plant based diet. It is important to try and explore a plant based diet. I did a boo boo and didn't eat plant based today. 

One of my friends is having a little one with another one of my friends. Another friend has a 5 years old and another of my friends works as a software developer for astrophysics. One friend is a whitehall personal secretary. Isn't it odd how they have all grown up? Have I grown up? I still live with mommy. Mom's health has taken a bad turn in recent months. I get worried sick about her. I get worried sick about dad. Mum has arthritis and now uses a stick. They are both nearing 70. They mean everything to me. Perhaps because I don't really have anyone or anything else in a deep way. 

Pink Tedy has been arrested due to protesting. PT is part of that XR business which has been affecting my decision to go plant based. Hearing all that stuff about what's really going on with the climate disaster (the officialTM name of it) is affecting my thinking.

My eye problems continue but they aren't progressing. 

Let's talk about an anniversary of the past. Around this week 9 years ago, I was offered my first job job. Working as an events assistant in high profile events. I still think about those days, it was only a short period of about 2-3 years where most of the events experience happened, I didn't work there much from 2014 onwards.  It's all changed since then from when I was in my last shifts. I think that working the last shifts made me realise the value of real work, not sitting on a computer and having a fancy coffee machine. I stood on my feet for up to 15 hours on some days and I had to work with people I would not necessarily be friends with and we all had to make it work.

I'm glad I got that job. I know that back then my friends were already successful and I was not. I know that back then I was earning a pittance. I would think back in those days about reading a men's health magazine and look at some lifestyle thing, I'd think about what life might be like if I worked full time and do things like have after work drinks and go out to concerts. I'm doing some of that now. 

One thing I realised this week. Back when I worked as an events assistant I'd fantasise about having things like Loake brogue boots or fancy smart clothes. I tried doing things like that for a bit. If I'm honest, it doesn't seem as fun and sexy in real work, because it's heavy and difficult to walk in. I dress for comfort. Also on the subject of shoes: I always go to the gym after or during work, which means that wearing my running shoes is much more convenient than having to swap out smart shoes. As such, those Loake brogue boots don't seem as glam as they used to. 

How my life has changed...

I should try to go to bed. There's lots of things, open tabs that I could pay attention to, but perhaps its just better to sleep.

Good night friends. 

I am feeling good for once. I don't just post about when I'm sad.

It's been nearly a month since I've last posted.

I've had a lot going on. I don't really have the time to ruminate willingly right now either.

However, I've set my self a task to express gratitude for three things. Here they are:

• My mum and dad are everything to me
• I have good colleagues who tolerate my strangeness
• I'm hopeful for the future

Dear Diary,

Lately I've been experiencing a lot of rumination type thoughts/feelings.

These are largely involuntary. The past echoing at me it seems.

Life's busy. Life's good in some ways. My career is basically...I'm working on things that will be in the history books, I genuinely believe that.

My personal life is ...in need of improvement. my fitness too.

I realise that I really need to change things up if I want to seriously reduce my bodyfat. I'm keeping active but the issue is shifting the bodyfat and getting muscle, I need to be more serious

In other news, B told me that she's having a girl, the gender is confirmed after a scan. They are all happy about it, and so am i. It's suddenly more real and its really going to change their lives.

In other news: it's quiet at work. Eerily quiet. The calm before the storm.I can't believe september is here already. On the other hand, I've had a fairly active few weeks, I'm happy about that.

I'm feeling really tired today. I'm reminded of the line from Kipling's If: if you can give the unforgiving minute sixty seconds of distance run [...] yours is the earth and everything that's in it, and what's more, you'll be a man, my son.

I feel like I've done something like that. My minute is up for today. Until the next minute. I'm struggling to keep my head up.

Positives

• I've done some good amount of socialising
• My socialising has involved physical activity
• I've taken some time off work lately. Taking advantage of my bosses not being around much
• I'm not in the red financially. I should be saving more. That is to say, I could be saving more.

Binging

I asked the bosses for some time off this week.

The weekend was filled with lots of socialising. On Friday I went to do Axe Throwing, VR and we ate at a Japanese Restaurant.

On Saturday we went to the British Museum, Forbidden Planet, the Namco funscape Arcade and a Chinese restaurant.

It closed off by us going for a little walk around Whitehall.

My Friend Rich has been given a permanent contract. We are so happy for him. It's been a journey for him to get a job after his PhD. He lost his relationship after his PhD because his girlfriend said he wasn't assertive enough.

At the arcade we did a 3d simulation, played Halo,  did an escape room and failed. We went to a market with lots of food stalls after and went to a dessert restaurant to finish it up.

It' s been a good weekend. I'm doing all the catch up now.

All I need to do now is the logging for the past few days and tomorrow is another day.

I feel bad about Sunday: i missed the gym on Sunday, in addition to that, I slept for much of the daytime.

It was raining outside and I felt the encroachment of winter coming. It made me feel depressed. It made me ruminate.

I've had a good summer. The memories are always still there of the past. It's challenging to live the present

About 20 minutes ago I had an idea.

I've been watching the channel 4 show 'This way up'.

I realised that at 1:20 or so in the morning. I am fully in myself and with myself. I am fully on my own and with my own thoughts.

So, what did I think? I thought about how I avoid this so much: I avoid being with my real thoughts and fears. I have a routine that helps me be a normal functioning human being. While that's necessary, I'm isolated from my own ends (intentions).

I looked around my room and I realised the finitude of time, my time, and my life. I decided on the spot to get rid of 20 books. I ended up getting rid of 23. As I was going through the books. I realised that each book I took from work (I get freebie publishing books cos I work in a newspaper) had an intention for me to read them. They each represented some form of self learning and self improvement.

I decided there are a core of books I really need to keep, and the rest, I can dispose of.

I then saw that there are some ties on my wardrobe handle. They represent a time when I believed that I needed to hae immediately accessible ties and bow ties. One of the ties was the company tie for Shambly arena. I realised: I'm never going to work there again, so why bother having that on the handle of my wardrobe. I also thought about the frequency in which I wear suits. I am not in a suit-y mood anymore at this stage in life.

Don't get me wrong, I have a default smart outfit and it's like a psyche I have. But I'm not that person right now and until I need it, I don't need those ties and suits out on display for immediate drawing to wear them.

I have a tie rack inside my wardrobe. I properly held the ties in the tie rack now. That's the grown up thing I suppose. I also got rid of 20 books (at 1:30) in the summer coldness outside.

It's not the latest I've been outside, but the quiet made it feel late.

I'm letting go. I have been holding on to things, and I realise I'm holding on to more things that I need to eventually let go of.

I need to let go of a certain selfhood.

I need to accept change.

When I was 17 I began to find a new part of myself: I became smart. I was never good in school. By the time GCSEs came about, I was middling-average - about good enough to do A levels (5 As-Cs). When I did 'A' Levels, I started to get 100% in exams.

It became a part of my identity, and it didn't last after the first year of university.

(Just suddenly writing that has made me distressed - I originally had a post that I was going to write about but now I'm not sure I want to write about it. I'll try anyway)

I'm thinking about that because earlier today I've been having some flashbacks. When I am training in the gym, if I push myself a certain amount of intensity, my mind goes inside itself. I wonder if it's some kind of psychological/evolutionary thing. My mind starts to ruminate or go to dark places.

I had a memory.

It was 2004. October I think. Just before week 1 of university's first year first semester and so forth. Michaelmas or some shit.

I was wearing my brother's hooded top. It was brown like a jumper (no zip and a monk like hood. I wore it as a form of comfort as I didn't really feel like a grown up in this unfamiliar new world. Having something of his felt like a sense of continuity.

Anyway I was wearing it, feeling monk like in the big university hall and it felt like that was where I was supposed to be. I was full of hope.

An odd memory. But when I think about it, I think about how in my present life I can react differently to it. I think about how I was destined for greater things. For many years after that, my life felt like disappointment. But in the past few years, I'm doing work in a place that really impacts on the world. Not only that. I'm permanent staff.

ABC PLEASE

A
Accumulate positive experiences: this can be done by quality time with friends and not succumbing to negativity - I'm working on it

B
Build mastery in activities that make you feel confident - Gym and reading I guess, and general autodidacticism

C
Cope ahead - prepare and rehearse situations.

I think I should pack my gym kit now. I have my clothes for work decided upon today

P
Physical illness prevention. This involves self care (could be better) and not overdoing the gym or junk food. I had McDonald's today. Perhaps I should do better at this

L
Low vulnerability to diseases (see above)

E
Exercise regularly. I did 3 hours yesterday. During lunch I did the gym.

A
Avoid Mood altering Drugs - no alcohol. Need to do #nofap too

S
Sleep healthy. Okay I'm bad at this one. If I get all my stuff done right now I might beat this.

E
Eat healthy. My body fat has gone down lately as has my weight. It's a daily thing and something I have to be constantly vigilant about. But I'm working on it.

Today I organised a day out with A and  J. We met up in Tooting Broadway to go to Haggerston. We went to Otherworld VR and afterward we went to Tonkatsu japanese restaurant. After eating and going to a board game shop, we went to Vauxhall and did the Whistlepunks axe throwing. That was so much fun with a lot of photos. Following that we had some food at dirty buger at Vauxhall. It was a good day and quite a physical day. I also realise the poignance of it being the 10 year anniversary of my leg injury. It's still an issue that I work around, but I'm still keeping active. 

18 july

2007: My graduation
2018: I'm picking political cartoonists for an international publication


I think I'm doing alright

I'm up late, part of some prep work I need to do for the coming week.

I've had a tough week.

I think it is important to accept my vulnerabity. Things at work had stressed me out, made me feel unwelcome and tested me in terms of ability, patience, level headedness and that thing inside that contains star dust. I feel like I've expended my star dust/spoons in a way I might not get back again.

I found out that my boss is on sick leave for mental health grounds. It's because senior editors are giving him shit. Bossman is standing his ground and they are bullying him for it. In other positive news: my best friends are having a baby, and Bossman's deputy is also having a baby. Both are due in 2020.

I had to speak to the director of HR to express a grievance. The director of HR was very friendly and took things in a very amicable way. The Director of HR was not happy that a private email was disclosed to her.

WIth two people my age that I know who are pregnant. I am beginning to think to myself if I'm achieving my proper amount in life.

This Saturday I met up with 'the boys'. We had a really good time. One of 'the boys' is moving flat, another is trying to buy one (as am I) and another of 'the boys' was not invited because he's a liability and not an asset.

I want to be more vulnerable and admit something: I think my masturbating is a problem. I'm masturbating and looking at sexy videos too much. It's impacting on my ability to function as a human being. I need to cut it down to like 3 times a week, not 4 times a day.

I think the problem is that masturbation (and junk food eating) are forms of self soothing and I am not sure how to self sooth because according to my professional support, my mum worked full time and I was not given the attention that I needed and that's why I have aspergers.

I was looking at an 'on this day' for a day last week: in 2010 was Charles's funeral. He died at the age of 32-33, my age basically. Charles died and it left a gap in my life and in that of our family. Charles had some problems in his life, but we didn't expect he'd die. Two years later Aunty Irene died. It's utterly utterly tragic.


In 2011 I gave a philosophy talk for an art gallery. It was filmed, it was probably the last time I wore a philosophy hat. People still ask me like in the party this saturday: do you still want to do a PhD?

Do I still want to do a PhD?
Yes
What are you doing about it?
Uhm...

In 2019: I spoke to the director of HR to express a greivance. I'm a senior editorial assistant for several sections of a newspaper and magazines. I make about the median of my frienship group - lower end if you count the bankers. But everyone's salary is skewed with the bankers.

Anyway.
back to work.

After I got home from the gym I did a lot of over eating and I did a lot of catch up.

I didn't realise the time and its now 4am.

Okay. so. Three things I have gratitude about/for

• Mum and Dad. They are everything
• I have a great job that consumes me 
• My PTSD has been not so bad lately

Other things:

• Relationships could be better but they haven't gotten worse
• I've managed to make it to pay day without a second withdrawal from my other account
• I'm going to see a BBC prom next week
• I'm going axe throwing next week - been thinking about that for ages
• I got some support from Access to work, at work. They are going to get me some assistive equipment, because my eyes are getting quite bad
• My weight has been going down, its certainly not going up
• My secret to recent weight loss: enjoy the fruity watery goodness of watermelon

I should try to go to bed.

I'm reporting a workplace discrimination case at work.

On my Birthday I spend the afternoon and evening with my Parents.

Mum and dad wanted to go to Toby Carvery. I thought it was chavvy and uncouth. It was actually quite nice. The meal only cost £36 for 3 people. That is a piece of piss for London restaurant prices.

I talked with mum and dad, in a way that I don't normally do.

I've been so angry and on edge lately. I think my ptsd self has been taking over a lot.

I've been thinking about old me and new me and I'm worried a lot about losing the new me to the old me all the time. I'm worried that my anger keeps coming frequently and I don't know how to deal with it.

In the evening I went to the gym. I did some treadmill and very light exercises. When I returned home I had some food (takeaway) with my parents. They got a mixed grill from an indian place and I got some Thai aubergine Curry. man it tasted lush.

Lately I've really gotten into veggies, particularly broccoli, aubergine and zuccini. I have lost a bit of weight lately. I would say this is a combination of my eating and activities.

I'm also watching a bit of love island lately, like a basic biatch

I've been thinking about what kinds of topics I wanted to address from my recent life.

I'm going to be writing about these in multiple posts.

Last week was my birthday. My colleagues surprised me with a birthday card and some presents. I was so touched, I almost cried. There was so much love and so many in jokes. I haven't felt so valued like that before at work. I love my team. My team are some great people.

They got me pusheen things. They knew I liked pusheens.

Hello reader,

It's been a while since we've last spoken.

How are you? Time has passed for me, I appreciate that it has passed for you. What's new with you? New relationships, deepened current relationships, broken old relationships? New experiences, new identities, new interests? I really want to know.

I am not so keen to talk about myself sometimes. I have so much going on at work, perhaps you could say career defining stuff. I do genuinely feel I'm at the right place at the right time currently, with all the political stuff going on right now.

My birthday is coming up. I really need to make a plan. I've asked my bosses at work for some time off. I've booked up to 4-5 non consecutive days. Next week a guy from my school (Jermaine in the year below) has a funeral for his dad.

His dad is very similar to mine and it upsets me to think that he's lost his old man. It upsets me that I will one day lose my loved ones. In fact its been very much on the forefront of my mind lately. I'm terrified of what I could lose.

I've been through some therapy over the past couple of years. Some of it not by choice. I've learned a lot about myself. There is know-how and know-that.

The difference can be: know-that is knowing that i'm much more productive if I don't masturbate. Know-how is when I'm deep in activity or at home and my mind goes idle, and goes in directions I'm trying to resist which will impact on my other behaviour.

I'm thinking about avoidance. That was a theme in the group therapy. One person used alcohol for avoidance. The question I ask myself is: what do I avoid and how do I do it?

Lately I've avoided my family, and avoided my mum meeting my girlfriend after the first time didn't go so well. Perhaps i'm avoiding it because I am unwilling to face the negative things. Unwilling to let her speak badly about T. Or perhaps because I realise how she has such an overbearing influence on my life (mum).

Let's talk about gratitude, here are some things I'm thankful for:

• Even though some of my friends make orders of wealth more than me. I'm sort of okay about making what I make...hoping I can get promoted one day
• I'm saving money and I'm being quite rational about it
• My organisation system is costly in time but it does yield results
• I appreciate my few friendships. 
• At work I felt like I had potentially developed new bonds. 
• I'm getting a reputation for myself at work -for better and for worse
• I'm struggling with my weight lately, but I'm trying to work on it. 
• I love my mum and my dad and they are everything to me
• My investments are delivering a small return

Okay, I have a few other things planned for tonight so I need to get on.

Good night.

Dear FutureMe,


The past few days have not been my best.

I have been thinking about some things lately.

I have been thinking about Self care. I've been through a lot and I go through a lot. It looks like things will get harder before they get easier at work. When I shine at work, I am dulled in life. This saturday and Sunday I got out of bed late. Although on paper I got all my objectives done, I don't think that I did so efficiently and getting up in the morning was still a problem.

I have been thinking about: What is important to me. I read a book about the bullet journal method and one of the founding precepts is that at any given time, one should ask if what one is doing at any given time, fits into the wider view of one's values and one's plan for life. In short, we need to be deliberate about the things that we do.

I have been thinking about The future. Honestly I don't know what lies ahead. I wish I were earning more. I want to move out. My earnings have been better than before but I still wish I could do better.

I've developed Lampe to be better increasingly, but I find that I shouldn't overload it. There's a physical limit to my actions. There's a physical limit to my time. I am coming to terms with my finitude as my 32nd year comes to an end. I realise I'm not young anymore.

It means I need to value what I have, and what is to come.

Thanks for reading this.

w20 (last week)

last week (I didn't get all the numbers done for these).

I had a cigar day. I've had a few too many cigar days this month

My plasticity is high. I did go to a concert. I've been on 2 dates. I've saved about £750. I properly cook once a week. My distraction is a bit higher than usual

Last week I broke my weighted vest. I hit 4000kcal. I hit 18 total fitness activities (including modifiers)

I haven't read as many audiobooks. I haven't read as much. 

On this Day of previous years (w20)

2010 - Brother's friend Elv's dad's funeral

2012 - Stag do for Elv [he married my cousin] (they now have 2 little ones)

2013 - My mate (who turned 30 in 2015) gave me his VGA - I'm definitely not using it

2014 - Saw godzilla film,

2015 - My mate's 30th birthday, mum and dad are in mexico/guatamala. I set up a betting matrix document 

2016 - Gym instructor A's last class before her surgery (she's back and in good form)//Lolo C died (my mum's aunt)

2018 - I saw deadpool 2 after taking a half day at work

2019 - I broke my weighted vest. Had a hotdesker, probably the 4th person to cover me. He wasn't very good

Things I'm positive about:

• Seeing prices of studio flats not going up too much 
• I have some upcoming social meet upts this week
• I've booked a ticket to comicon
• I'm catching up on things today doing what is needed
• I woke up early after not getting up in the best way, to end up doing fairly well in the gym.
• I did an LBT class and then a gym session, I then topped it off by walking about 2.5 miles 
• I did some cooking this afternoon

Dear Diary,

I think that I found empathy difficult lately.

There were these girls at the gym class. They had just finished exams. I was trying to remember how it felt when I finished exams, to envisage how they felt. Cognitively speaking, I knew it would feel good, a sense of relief and a sense of freedom for them. Perhaps even looking forward to a summer of fun.

But I couldn't emphasise it.

Then the class ended and I felt my sense of exhaustion and relief. I was working out and pushing myself fairly hard today. I then realised a sense of relief.

This week my boss has gone off to get married. Boss man had a really busy week, not least for me busting his balls. We had a lot going on. Things were so tough that people from management and other sections of the paper were made aware of how hard we fucking worked and how well our section of the newspaper is working for the company's objectives.

I told my colleagues that I am over worked and a result of this is that I am actually behind on crucial parts of my role.

The commercial departments were forced to pay for some casual admin help (the kind that I used to be) to help me catch up on work.

When I have gotten home this week from work, I had barely paid attention to the computer, to TV, to the internet. Except for watching Game of Thrones I have paid attention to nothing else.

I'm thinking about planning for social events in the future.

My boy, my best bud, the guy from Bristol days. He's back in the city and we have these ideas about being one again.

Last week in previous years

Didn't get a chance to reflect on this:

2012 - I saw Micky Flanagan in a Work in Progress gig


2015 - My instructor who first introduced me to classes left ; Saw Age of Ulton

2016 - My first polo shirt. As it happens I'm wearing a Black Uniqlo polo shirt now (not the same one as it is not so faded). It really is a sign of maturity; My last shift at the syndication service (sad), on the same day [the only man] at editorial management offered me a fixed term contract (I've since been promoted and my pay gone up by 9k since that point); My first day wearing converse shoes, The shoes broke pretty quickly.

2017 - My bosses won a major industry award for a major journalism project they worked on.

2018 - Desk move at work (I've since moved again) ; I gave a careers talk at my old university (then I had the sexes with the exes) . I had a lot of reminising and a very literal walk through memory lane. After Walking for about 90 minutes I then felt I've had enough of thinking about the past and just want to move forward and move onwards. I had a realisation at that point that my life which hitherto was often defined by looking backwards, was changing (not fully changed) into looking forward and into the unknown.

2019 - My bosses confirmed that I did have a pay rise and a job promotion. They told me I have been excellent in my role and service to the newspaper. I never thought I'd be in this place. I'm happy. I've also not told too many people. That same day when I had that chat with my bosses, I saw Avengers Endgame. I saw it again later that week

Dear Diary

I felt really rough on Thursday. Actually I've felt rough all week.

I have spent time away from the computer when I got home and just spend the time listening to the radio or watching actual TV (not netflix, not iplayer, not tv shows from the US that aren't out yet), actual TV, well, TIVO.

About 8-9 years ago I really got into watching Deep Space 9. It seems like that cycle has come by to me right now. I bloody love that show!

In my first official week knowing that I've been promoted. I've really been taking to the new role like a duck to water. Getting a promotion and a pay rise basically means I've become someone's bitch and I act like an editor without any of the glory and any of the kudos. Well, a nice lady in her 40s always cheers me on.

I have been giving one of my bosses a lot of shit lately. He's got to make a whole lot of decisions and he's not really around right now. In addition. He's about to get married soon.

Next week one of my colleagues is going to leave. She was working as a casual. I will miss the picture editor. I always felt a connection to her. I dont know how I'll act on her last day. She's mentioned how she won't know how to behave on the last day.

5 things I have gratitude for

• Mum and dad
• I have a family and friends
• I have a job where I'm respected
• I have a job that I feel matters
• I live near places that serve lovely food

5 things I am reflecting on

• I'm happy for my friends and their lives. without having to make it about myself. This is new
• I need more time to relax. I have worked on this recently
• Social time is important
• I finally did the receipts tonight
• I hit 4000kcal in my workout yesterday. I'm impressed at myself, but I did have to sacrifice a little bit of that stardust inside me. 

Dear Diary,

There was a time maybe 7 years ago when I dreamed of having a full time job, a contract. It was so far out of reach that I couldn't grasp what such a life would be.

Cut to this week. I had a chat with my bosses this week who said to me. In true sentinel fashion (the Sentinel has a reputation for being incompetent with paperwork); we forgot to tell you that you have been promoted and we have decided to give you a pay rise.

"...In recognition of your stellar work, all of your colleagues and I are so happy with the amazing level of dedication you give to this company. We believe that you deserve this pay rise far beyond the union agreed amount".

I froze. My autism self had this deer in the headlights expression.

Is this really happening? I didn't actually think that. I was actually thinking: god today is so busy. Last week I discovered that my pay rise was far higher than originally planned. By Wedensday I'm already walking on those thoughts and I've changed my email handle and everything.

It feel so good looking at that new email handle. I have so many words in my job title:

-----
In Conatus
Senior Editor's attache (data & visuals, creative and pop culture magazine)
Inconatus@thesentinel.net
0203 999 9999

It doesn't feel real.

It also feels like a recognition that my age is distinctly and increasingly an issue. Today at the gym I felt so slow, tired and inflexible, it upset me a bit and I was in a semi lucid state. I left the 2nd class early.

I felt like a failure because I couldn't hit 20,000 steps. I felt like a failure because I didn't hit 2000kcal in my workout.

Then I stepped back and thought: I did hit 16,000 steps which is a damn sight higher than most days in the week. I also thought: I did do 1800kcal on a school night. I normally only do the higher cal exercises during the weekend days when I don't have a job to attend to. It's harder to give my blood in a workout when I've already had a day of work.

There are these younger people in my classes. They are insufferably hopeful, they have all their future and brightness ahead of them and I'm jealous. I'm jealous just as I'm on the cusp of my bright days and perhaps my brighest days are sooner to come then theirs are, but my bright days are fewer than theirs as they have more of that precious commodity of time.

I got angry at my parents today. It's my mum's birthday. I think that's a really shitty thing for me to do. I kept saying to myself through th week: at least be nice to mum for her birthday. I fucking failed that.

I think I have a problem lately. I can't tell who my friends and who my enemies are. I treat my friends and family like my enemies and, well  my enemies are seemingly my friends and family.

I used to believe if I just wrote and wrote and wrote my soul through this blog and these words and this means of self expression, I'd find resolution in my fractured soul.

I find work helps. I find doing things, keeping a plan, organsing myself and keeping even mentally helps.

ABC PLEASE: those are the essentials.

Do you know what else helps me? Waking up early, going to bed late. Exercising lots. I was thinking about (sorry) that maslow triangle. About 80% of my attention is on the bottom parts of the triangle, but the real things that make life worthwhile are the things on the top.

I have set up a system, a tripartite schema which consists of set of values. They are named after Greco-Roman characters who I admire. Obviously, Aeneas is on the top.

In my last therapy session I said that I want to do more writing. In order to do more writing I need to do the reading. In order to do the reading I need a clean home and do all my chores. In order to do the housework and chores, I need an income. It all feeds into a consistent vision of the world.

Something that has been happening lately is that loud sounds and bright lights are distracting to me in a way that makes me less functional. I wonder if that's an autism thing. At the gym class today, the loud sounds did seem to suck away from my energy. Or perhaps that might be because I only had a veggie curry and rice for lunch at work today (no breakfast). Boy that curry was good.

I try to sleep with Spotify on and an audiobook on. That helps me keep even. I might spend the rest of the night doing that.

Before i do. I just want to say: congratulations on the promotion at work. I'm proud of you. You are now making 35 donkeys. About 9 years ago you weren't makign 3.5.

Things that happened this week:

• Last Appt with psychologist
• Angry confrontation
• Attended funeral
• Nice workplace banter
• Discovered that I had a significant payrise
• Bank holiday weekend
• 3 extended (i.e 2+hour) workouts
• (did not attend) invited to bbq
• (yet to attend) invited to social meet up with uni friend

Not a bad week. The highlight is more my keeping fit and not the 35k salary that I now make. 

I was expecting 32

This last week in previous years


2010: My Brother's band had a debut album launch. 9 years later he's married with kid. No longer a rock musician, he's a musical therapist (kind of)
2011: Found out that my piano teacher died. That got me back into playing piano ... for a while
2013: Margaret Thatcher's funeral - I was working at the event
2014: My copy appeared on the Sunday Newspaper that I worked on. It was a very nice feeling. Not bad for a year after working as an events assistant. I didn't realise that this was a process of my life coming into its own
2016: Prince died. It was a significant event at work.
2017: Theresa May called for a snap election
2018: First day not wearing an overcoat. The first swallow of spring.
2019: Aunty' Marie's funeral. Also (I thought) my salary was going to go up to 32k. I then found my salary went up to 35k (need to confirm this)

Things I am thankful for

• My salary going up as a result of union discussions from the start of this month
• My salary going up even higher than the agreed percentage from the start of this month - I need to talk to someone at work about this.
• My job title changed according to my payslip. But nobody told me it would. This gives me a sense of validation and a renewed sense of purpose for where I work. It almost feels like I'm doing something fun.

Dear Diary,

I did all my reading and logging and admin stuff.

There's probably more I could do if I really wanted to.

Here's the thing: I can't sleep.

I'm fluctuating between being angry and feeling a sense of loss, and being sad and also feeling a sense of loss.

My anger flash card says that anger is a substitute emotion. My anger flash card says that I should not direct anger at something that doesn't deserve it or merit it. People can be angry about some given object a, but direct it at object b.

Spinoza says to identify the object of your affect. In so doing, not to misdirect the wrong affect to the wrong object.

I wish I could go to sleep.

I think that maybe these are the demons I face. The demons I have that are keeping me awake.

Dear Diary,

This Tuesday passing I attended a funeral.

I am quite sad about it. I'm 32 and I feel the passing of time. I have been looking back without being able to look at the present or look at the future.

I left the funeral early and walked home. It was a long walk and raining. But I had thoughts and it helped to walk. I couldn't stay in the funeral for too long as it upset me so much.

The family were loving and kind. Aunty Marie was one of a kind. Aunty Marie left behind 6 of her wonderful daughters shome of whom in turn have kind daughters themselves.

It was a matrilineal family in that the father died young, as her father and mother died young. Aunty Marie's life was hard with early bereavements. It brings me to my knees how much love she had.

Her funeral was well attended. I hate saying this but I think other people in that group today would not have had such an attendance. The reason being is that Aunty Marie was the best of us.

I had a bit of a religious moment when at the mass. I connected with my culture, my heritage and myself through the Church service. I've been thinking about this for a while but I think I should go back to church more. I'll do it quietly. Not advertise it. My sense of faith is my own. Faith is something I'm beginning to respect. Aunty Marie had such a hard life but she still had much love. I believe this love came from her belief in salvation.

Separate to this week's funeral I have been also thinking about how broken I am .I'm convinced that Catholic Christianity is a religion for and of scoundrels. Scumbags, and people who need to and have changed their ways.

I might need to start praying again.

Dear Diary,

One thing I regularly do these days is read articles on self improvement and trends in positive psychology wherever I can find things.

One thing I am trying to exercise more is awareness of my feelings. Avoid avoidance and gratitude.

At work there was a very senior person who helped me out. I said thank you to him in person and I said thank you by email. I dont know whether he gets kudos much given he's always in shitty situations. It was hard for me to say thank you. Sometimes it is hard to receive thanks.

I'm trying to change myself from the inside

Dear Diary,

When I left work early I decided to get some food for the weekend. I bought a beef Brisket and cooked it very slowly. I also got some walnuts instead of crisps to snack upon.

I really like Lidl.

A friend of mine is having a birthday party in a couple of weeks. I'm really excited about it. Another mutual friend of ours (also invited) was excited about bringing some Picanha to the party. So, for context. I'm really into Picanha and gourmet beef these days. I don't eat much of it, but the more scare meat is, the more gourmet it is to me.

It's 2: 30 am or nearabouts.

Last saturday I got up early and did 3 gym classes. It was such elation I adored it. Sunday was my usual routine of 2 hours gym and two classes. I shot myself up with preworkout and that really fucking boosted my energy output.

I think things have been positive for me. I need to be more efficient with all my logging systems. I have however, just planned for the next 2 weeks very roughly. Which is nice.

Let's discuss the 'on this day' events of this week:

• 2019 (this year) Invited to a fancy art event. I'm like an art industry person you know (I know - how the fuck did that happen)
• 2018: I received a free leather notebook; my salary went up (it has since gone up another 2k); first time I went into a Butchers (see mention of Picanha above); I saw Thomas Gould, Krisjan Randalu and Stephan Braun perform at Kings place
• 2017: I got some Nike Met Con 2 shoes (I don't even know which those are...are those my current ones or the ones before then?) I wrote that it is important because buying the Lunarglide before then made such a performance gain. It is true that the fancy expensive trainers I wear gives a performance gain. Note to self - buy more trainers
• 2015: Met the ex to see an exhibition on Greek Beauty
• 2014: First time trying Supermalt - got really into it for a while
• 2013: I went to my friend's play: it was shit. he's a shit actor and he's still struggling to act. 

I wonder if I could sleep if I attempted it now.

The food writer Giles Coren once wrote: Never run for a bus after 30.

There are things that are important and there are things that you can let go of - I think that's the moral of that phrase.

Today (or Thursday) I went to work. I was only about 30 minutes late. I'm sometimes up to 3 hours late. Today I had an idea of the work I would do. I got it done and I've still yet to do the more thorny stuff of this month.

Around 5pm I decided that I will leave the office early to try and go to the gym. The intention was to do 2 gym classes. I did 2 gym classes, I burned 2000kcal and I did 20,000 steps. Chuffed isn't the right word, but I'm pleased with myself.

Something happened to upset/trigger me during class. 


One of my repeating tasks is to rework my CV. I'm not actively looking for a job, but being of the generation that suffered from the 2008 crash by perma unemployment, I decided to start writing about the roles I've had after Shambly Arena and before my current staff position.

I counted 13 different posts across the company, all of which I spent days, weeks or months at in various capacities in the space of 3 years. The next 3 years after that I eventually became a staffer, well I was an FTC first.

I'm working on trying to eat better. Eating is an emotional thing for me. I find comfort in food and I often eat to avoid feelings. I see now how people are so set in habitual and unquestioned eating. It is only after when they feel guilty that they question it.

I love working out, but I need to recover well. I can't work out like I could in my 20s, or like I should have in my 20s. But I am in my 30s now and I'll make the bloody most of it.

I have been playing The Sims 4 lately. Instead of doing life admin or working on the routine tasks, I have started playing in a fantasy version of my life.

One of the problems with my sim is that he won't go to bed, even when I tell him to.

Sounds familiar.

ABC PLEASE

A - Accumulate positive experiences: I made someone feel uncomfortable today. Do I feel remorse? Maybe, I am dwelling on it a lot. It's not helpful to dwell. Do I regret or think I made a bad call? No, what I needed to say was important

B: Build mastery in activities that make you feel confident (see further letters)

C: Cope ahead: well I hope in the next few hours I have a plan for the week, and keeping my logs helps

P: Physical illness prevention: important to eat healthy. I need to eat more veggies, I have also identified that high sodium/salt is bad and not good for water retention and weight

L: Low vulnerability to disease: Nutrition again

E: Exercise regularly. I need to be ever vigilant about this. I trained today and I hit my walking target, but tomorrow is another day
A: Avoid mood altering drugs. I had a beer (just one Peroni) on Saturday. I had no other drinks available as I was in a garden with no other drinks and only some chicken to hand. I drank it down quick because I was thirsty.

S: Sleep healthy: need to do better on this

E: Eat healthy. Today Ih had an Admirals' pie. Probably not good for me but better than loads of crisps. At least the sodium wasn't too high.

Dear Diary,

I have had a really troubled sleep schedule. I woke up at 2-3pm on saturday, after I couldn't sleep during Saturday morning/Friday night. The same thing is happening again today.

What usually happens is I do a 3000kcal workout and I fall right to sleep and it's all squared out.

This coming sunday, I'm going to an event.

I've been really preoccupied lately. I'm fretting so much about saving money that I feel guilty when I spend money. I keep thinking: Is this a waste of my money or will I really use this? I've become my dad!

The thing I hate more about dwelling on purchases is the analysis paralysis which has had a very very real cost on me. In fairness I have not had any empty time in the past few days, when I've been up all night, I have really been doing something with my whole soul and full attention.

But I've had a realisation. Today I was constantly thinking about purchasing things or whether its unnecessary or not. At the same time, my sister in law is going into labour and at this very minute is in the hospital. All of those things I worry about. None of it really matters. That gave me some perspective.

Lets dwell on some positives or things I am gratitudinous about

• Pay rise begins in April (will be paid for it in May)
• I have a friend who invites me to barbeques and is good at cooking meat. Even chicken.
• I think I'm good at saving money. So good that I have managed to make a positive earning on my nutmeg account. 
• I'm in a job where nobody notices my insomnia
• I'm off to an event sunday evening, which may include wine. I'm also off to an event in April, which is a fancy high society type thing, because I'm an influencer/gatekeeper.

Anyway.

I've got some things to finish up. Maybe I'll finish by 5:30? In fairness, I did spend all of the past few hours planning the next 3 weeks. I might be up late but it is meaningful. 

Things I am thankful for:

• I can get into work late
• I have a job I really feel invested in
• I have good friends
• I love my family
• I feel strong bonds to my heritage
• As long as I'm still breathing, I feel committed to my health
• I was better at the gym this week compared to last week
• I hit 3000kcal
• I did 2 gym classes
• I rested today and even though it took a bit of time, I needed it and I felt better for it. 
• I love music
• I love tech youtube channels
• I am really happy about my financial savings arrangement where I'm putting in money a few times a week into multiple accounts.

ABC PLEASE

A - acquire positive experiences
B- Build mastery in activities that make you feel confident
C - Cope ahead - prepare and rehearse situations

P - Physical illness prevention
L - low vulnerability to diseases
E - Exercise regularly
A - Avoid mood altering drugs
S - Sleep early
E - Eat healthy

Flash card:

How to deal with uncertainty:

1. Quiet your limbic system
2. Stay positive
3. Be mindful of what you know and what you don't
4. Embrace what you cannot control/decrease your options of actions
5. Focus on what matters//get your house in order
6. Avoid perfectionism
7. Don't dwell on problems
8. Trust your gut instinct
9. Have contingency plans
10. ...don't ask what if
11. Replace expectations with plans
12. Prepare for different possibilities

I write flash cards to help me

Dear Diary,

I had a day off on Thursday.

I focussed on working on something I've been putting off for a year. I ended up sleeping longer in the afternoon than I wanted. I managed to go to a gym class in the evening. Two gym classes in fact, and I burned 2000kcal.

After that I watched the news on 5 tv feeds. Its worrying all this brexit stuff. I feel very priviledged to work for an international news organisation which has a key role in disseminating brexit to the public, as well as trying to challenge the hard leavers.

I haven't talked much about politics or work on here.

There world is really changing and has really changed, not only in the last 2-3 years but also in the years in which I've kept this blog.

I think its important to write more about that because it also reflects deep things inside me. Things that reflect my values, how I have changed as a person and how I come to change with the pervious versions of me.

Anyway I want to write about some life lessons I learned today:

• If you want to get stuff done on your days off, you have to actually work like its a work day - this means no sleeping in and it means actually getting your ass in gear not unlike having to get the tube to work
• Sometimes I feel weak and not as good as I did in a previous time slice. And that's okay
• Sometimes its okay to feel really shitty. Don't pretend you aren't and don't act like you are 'supposed to' be better. Maybe it gets better, maybe it doesnt get better for a while
• The greatest strength is in facing my vulnerabilities. I'm a bit pudgy at the moment. I want to be less pudgy. In order to do that, I have to work out which does mean I need to just accept I am pudgy right now and recognise there are things that contribute tot his and things that can change it
• I need to improve my sleep health

Good night my lovely

Agony

Dear diary,

I have to admit something.

Recently I've had moments where I have experienced mental and physical agony, but for reasons I don't understand, I pushed on.

I have been unwell with tonsil issues lately. I got better for a bit and then I got sick again. I feel desperate to push myself. I think that some of my colleagues at work are notcing that I'm pushing myself and are saying its unnecessary and that it will cause me visible harm.

Today at work I was lifting and moving about 14 boxes. I didn't hurt myself but I was super exhausted in the process. I had to pause and sit on the floor for a bit in the process. Yesterday (monday) at work I had another situation where I was pushing myself so hard that I stayed awake for 20 hours straight. I felt a unique kind of agony.

I always valorise pushing oneself, but something felt like it broke inside me. I pushed so hard that I feel like I may not be able to push like that again.

On a related note: I am taking some time out over the next two weeks. I need it.

Things I am positive about:

• I'm going to have some time off work - what will I do with myself!
• I have nice things
• I love mum and dad

Things I am looking forward to

• Steaks with Chris next week
• Phil's birthday party
• Pay rise in June
• Pay day this week
• Life getting better

It's nearly 3am and I'm still not asleep on a Sunday night/Monday Morning.

I think it might be a good time to reflect upon what has happened to my life in previous years.

So, this is my life this week in previous years:

• 2011: My last day interning as an unpaid administrator - I got a thank you card from Zeenat and Lucy. Gosh it was so horrible to have to be forced to do that for 'experience'
• 2012: My article on pop culture had been published on a feminist blog. This outcome had wider implications; as of 2019 I have since gotten to reconnect with the girl who ran that blog
• 2015: My godson's Christening. We found out that a woman who was into our friend, is now engaged to another guy in less than a year of knowing him. As of 2019 they are still together and have a little one
• 2015: Working at The Sentinel. I was working at a special supplement magazine. Afterward I played badminton and had dinner with my friend who had his 34th birthday (he's 38 now)
• 2016: I saw the Gerard Butler film London has Fallen - why did I think that was interesting enough to note?
• 2019: I have been working so hard this week, I have given my blood and stardust (metaphorically speaking) to my work lately
• 
  

It's getting close to 5am and I'm working on a bunch of plans for the next 3 weeks. I've done this so much now that it's become almost routine.

On saturday I got up a bit later but caught up on rest. I spent much of the afternoon catching up on reading.

I spent the late afternoon and early evening walking to the gym, walking home and having a subway. I did 'stack' (my ritual for deliberately overeating before my big sunday gym session). When I got home I just realised my body was exhausted so I had to sleep. I woke up close to midnight and for the past 5 or so hours since I've been working on well, planning and logging.

I want to write about something.

Some people see me as having a 'high profile job'. It is true that I run rotas and production schedules at work, and I work at a fast pace where I must make decisions quickly. I fail to realise sometimes that people see me in a certain way.

I'm getting a lot of flashbacks and memories. Memories of a person I used to be. I'm watching this series on netflix at the moment, which is about Charlie Ayo, a character played by Idris Elba who was once an early 2000s sensation but has faded into obscurity. Ayo carries lots of memories of a past version of himself and his present isn't as good as his past.

When I was at my lowest, I did believe that my present wasn't as good as my past. But that was wrong. THe present was not a terrible situation. Being depressed certainly didn't help, but I didn't realise that those years had in it the pregnant future.  That future being my present.

I have been trying to listen to people, listen to people's experiences and give them validation.

Another thing I've realised: I employ freelancers. Where I work, I'm given a budget to book people in. Although it's not specific about me, but I do make a decision between person A and person B. I realise that giving that choice between A or B makes a difference to someone. Someone who has a life, a livelihood, a living.

This thursday passing, I went into a McD's. There were two women in the concourse as I came in talking. I didn't pay any attention to it other than they were directly in front of me. What when happened was one went away and another was standing there. I went to the self service machine and one of them was trying to call me. I wasn't really in the mood to talk to someone and I was imagining they would either be asking for money or directions, and being a packed restaurant somebody else could sort it out.

Then I realised the person was like 'no its okay' as if to suggest they weren't asking for money. Then I realised they were asking for money. They were really persistent and they really were forward. I then recognised her from a previous incident. It was really forward and really aggressive. It really made me uncomfortable. But then I thought, maybe this person is really in need. Being super aggressive in tactics must be their sign of desparation. It wasn't so great.

It also put me off going to that mcd's. It says something about this age that the begging tactics have changed and adapted. It also made me think if I should have helped or not.

Hello Friend,

I haven't written an entry for a while.

Since about wednesday night/Thursday morning last week, I have been unwell. I am still recovering from tonsil issues.

I have managed to cope pretty well with being physically sick. My productivity is good and I'm hitting certain minimal targets. I'm actually surprised at that myself. It also means I'm not giving myself shit about being tired.

To use the term of some of my peers. I need to focus a bit on self care.

That isn't to say I haven't been full on. I have compartmentalised many aspects of my life and my activities are dictated as if by a pomodoro timer. As soon as the timer for one thing ends, another begins, and each new thing I go at it with some ferocity.

That is until I'm tired and my brain fogs up. Which happens a bit.

On Sunday I did my usual gym ritual. I only went up to 2400kcal instead of 3500kcal. Considering I'm unwell and I have few precedents for training when sick, I think I did well?

Perhaps if I'm lucky, I can finish work early tomorrow. I'm being a bit too ambitious perhaps.

Let's talk about the past week: it was one of my friend's birthdays and I left early. This guy is toxic and I don't really want to be his friend so much, but we are part of a group and he is part of the territory.

Other things: I'm reading about mentalisation based therapy, borderline personality disorder, the foundations to the approaches underlying borderline personality disorder and thinking about its possible application. I have started a course of 6 hours therapy. So I'm reading stuff as part of the process.

Last weekend I was watching a netflix show with Ricky Gervais. It was about bereavement. Ricky Gervais in his cod philosophy graduate way, protrayed a character who was an antinomian cunt who lost hope in life after his life ended. What he realised was that although his life may be something he doesn't value much. There are people around him who have lives, and those people have their own difficulties and their own challenges and they don't have the option to be cunts and kill themselves.

Something I'm learning lately, with this whole trump/gamergate/brexit/masculinity thing going on right now is that so many people (especially men) find it unthinkable just to listen to someone. It is always about ascent to agreement or disagreement and usually disagreement. So many things in the world could be made better if we just listened to the experiences of others and took that into account in our own behaviours.

So, I'm learning stuff lately.

I've done a shit load of catchup. I've done all my necessary paperwork for today. Despite overeating and not going to the gym (today I'm still recovering from tonsils), I do think I got a lot done.

I don't often have the energy to write or reflect in the way that this blog medium can allow for me. I feel gratitude for my competencies today. I feel gratitude for the people around me and I must reflect on my areas of growth and my challenges.

Off to bed.

This week I've been feeling good about myself.

I'm keeping clean. I did have a Guiness but no more than one. I did have a lot of colas though. Too much sugar I'm sure.

I'm positive about going to the gym during lunchtime this week. I also spent friday night catching up on loads of planning and This Saturday Night feels like a sunday night (going on to Monday) as I spent a lot of time outside today.

I feel overwhelmed if I'm honest. The baby shower today and the birthday party. It meant I was around a lot of noise and it very much drained me and my ability to pay attention to things.

This week in previous years:

2014: I began a placement working as a PA in editorial legal
2015: Belated Valentine's date
2016: Saw film Brothers Grimsby - it later had a certain significance as the memory of that film was integral to my friend's healing after his heart attack
2017: My friend Phil's leaving do before he went to New Zealand; Saw Logan film with my friend, one of the first times we went out together after his heart attack in late 2016
2018: 'Beast from the East' blizzard
2019: Baby shower which I didn't really attend; birthday party which I did attend. a lot of family things going on

Dear Diary,

This week has felt like, holding on to a horse. Amazing things happen, but I have to be fully deliberate and control the horse and not let go.

Being Deliberate is crucial to all of the best achievements of this week. I finally managed to go to the gym during lunchtime at work, I went to a gym class after work, I have had good steps. I have even set up a work plan for all the stuff I need to do over March 2019 before the end of the financial year.

The word sobriety has come up a lot in my mind. I need to keep clean in many ways. I hardly drink alcohol anymore. In fact I find its effects undesirable. I dont understand how anyone could think that the inflated ego and physical and mental dullness could be beneficial to them. Perhaps things in their lives desire it and its easier to hit the bottle than tackle other things.

This weekend is my brother and sister in law's baby shower. I'm not going. I've got another birthday party of my friend to attend and so I can tactically not attend.

This week there was a new picture editor on the magazine I work on. She is an older woman, but really cute and somehow I just feel this attraction to her. I spoke to T about it and she thinks its cute. I have this feeling inside me that I just want to be around her all the time and have banter and help her out with any issue that she has.

I spent thursday sitting next to her. Technically I'm on that desk on Thursday, but in recent months I have deliberately not sat on that desk because I prefer sitting on my other desk (I have two desks at work). There's something about her. Something about a woman my age and older. The cynicism, the slight defeat from life and the levelling of not having to be somebody else or pretend things are alright or be super ambitious or super nice. It all fades with a reality of your status (which is low).

Hmmm, the way I described it sounds like a power thing. That's not okay.

I got at my desk and worked on a bunch of things right now. I estimated it would take 6 hours to end at 0317. It's 0217 and I've basically been finished for a while now. I did correctly estimate that planning my next week and doing some non priority reading would take 6 hours roughly. I should go to bed now.

Dear Diary,

This day just passing, I think I could not have done it better.

Although I woke up late, I got up and faced things. I felt a very bad nervous system shock, presumably because of all my gym training on Sunday.

Upon getting to work, things went by smoothly. I did a little bit of work, some catching up and I then went to the gym during lunch. I went to Five Guys after lunch and the weather outside almost felt like Summer. I think that's a bit wrong, we are in February and it was 17' outside. Climate Change is fucking us.

Anyway. UPon return to work, I did some things but then I left early. I could have left earlier but I had been asked to present a birthday cake to one of the chief subs. We had a bit of banter and joking at work, and a bit of banter on the social media.

I got out of the office just before 5. I got home just before 6. I wished that I got home earlier. As soon as I got home, I snacked a bit and tidied my bed. I was winding down by watching a few tech videos, which seems to be the way I wind down now. I then begin to work on my 'non priority schema'. I had a couple of tasks that I was putting off a bit: logging data on my latest fitness workouts from the book, and doing some reading catch up. I watched a whole 'box set' on Iplayer and I started watching a show on netflix: Marie Kondo something or other.

I think that I have involuntary rumination thoughts. My mind suddenly turns back to previous times in my life, and those times have poignance to the present day.

It's now midnight and this is the earliest I have ever finished up for the day. I should ideally just put an audiobook on, play spotify playlists and sleep for the day.

But something feels unfinished, something feels like it is unravelling in my mind. I feel like I'm on the verge of a disaster. Perhaps its all the brexit talk and the climate change stuff. I also feel like I'm at the cusp of a personal tragedy.

Perhaps I should just reflect and maybe even write to myself. Putting things down on paper has helped me a lot lately. I feel like today is a model day.

I also realise that some days I am really on fleek like this, and then I am not on others. Perhaps this good day is one in the bank, to prepare me for a bad day coming.

Anyway I wonder how long it takes to actualyl sleep.

Good night to you.

Not feeling too well

Dear Diary,

I'm not feeling too well, and here's why.

The past few days at work have been really challenging, but something happened that I felt broke me. I was asked on a very last minute basis to prepare a payment and a delivery. Just as that happened, I found out that the payment method was rejected and I had to use P2P, which in our company is utterly kafkaesque to prepare. There is a request form, another request form, the second request form includes going through an index of codes to find an ID, then after the second request form, I have to put it out to approvers, then approve it on oracle, then two or three approvers have to approve it, then I confirm the approval by receipting it.

Jesus fucking Christ I just can't bear it. I know that financial processes can be more efficient. It does not need to be this fucking complicated. It's one thing to obey financial compliances but this takes the piss.

I left work 'early' at around 5:40. I got home before 7. This week has been unbearable and it isn't even properly wednesday.

I might be forced to take a sick day.

Situation: hypervigilance

On Monday, I have been away from work for some period of time. I was unwell through the week and lots of things were going on. I had to prioritise my health and so I let colleagues deal with certain issues and not me.

Upon my return I found out that there were some issues which needed my immediate attention and I knew from the news on Sunday that there was going to be a major news story.

What I felt was a sense of negativity. I felt like I was imagining the worst possible situations. As it happened, many of these worst situations happened and thinking about them enabled me to create detailed contingency plans. I did however have an overly negative assessment of situations: I did not account for the fact that colleagues were supportive and that other people around the organisation recognised that my department was being stretched beyond a capacity they would be able to deal with.

There were several interrelated issues that all were concurrent with each other. They were all individual problems yet were connected with each other. I had misread an email on sunday night which meant that one situation was not as bad as I originally interpreted.

One of the ways I dealt with the problems was to take a few high level approaches:

• Avoid strategic (top down) thinking, stop trying to model the situation and think on the ground and on your feet, dealing with each individual situation as it comes. It will take too much time to calculate the solutions of each individual problem as a single abstract problem, and will take too much time to create a bigger picture of what's going on (important for financial compliance, due dilligence etc). the issue was fundamentally : recursive function vs dynamic functioning (bottom up)
• Maximise vs satisfice
• Here and now vs. how things should be

During this situation I had a few realisations:

I need to take myself away from this situation as soon as it's resolved. I need to relax or spend some time away. I need to go to the gym for a bit and do a pump. It is important to distinguish acceptable behaviour from unacceptable and unsocial behaviour. In this high pressure situation it was difficult to identify this. It was also evident from colleagues that I was under pressure. This potentially gave the impression that the situation was not under control. 

back in late november and december, I was really really pumped about the aquaman film coming out. but now that's all fizzled out and other films have since come out.

I feel i really miss those aquaman posters and i really miss aquaman related things. But the culture moves on. There are more marvel films coming out, more netflix things, more tv things, more music things and life and culture goes on.

But I still feel stuck in that mood that I adored, that mood that made so many things feel right in myself and right with the world.

It has become a moral for me. A moral about life. I remember being so excited about going to a club night with my friends in 2006. I would go to this douchebag shop called the officers club because they had cheap high street style clothes and I felt I was being a different person. Instead I was being someone else and someone defined by the cheapness of the culture and the toxicity of the culture of masculinity and no recourse, no escape from it.

I don't know who I am now. But I have things to do. Perhaps by doing, I am being.

Work has been taking a toll on me and my colleagues have been very understanding. I think that perhaps I am getting some recognition about my work. Today has been exceptionally testing. As soon as I got into work I got some rota issues, before I got into work I had to sort out a last minute thing for the opinion section. I had too much to do to be able to go to the gym during lunch, so I ended up going at 1:30. I was working flat out straight, when I wasn't working I got a sandwich and did a pump at the gym.

I snuck out early, and hoped that nobody noticed. Upon arrival at home I felt very tired and mentally unwell. I have been thinking about hypervigilance as a PTSD thing. The problem is that the things I have difficult in my life are things that I continually face.

Lets list 3 things I'm positive about:

• I am warm and relatively healthy, with food and shelter and water, I mustn't poo poo on that
• I managed finally to do the gym this afternoon. 
• I managed despite today being a cigar day, to get home early and not overeat

Things I'm positive about in the future:

• I look forward to pay day
• I look forward to more savings
• I look forward to better relationships

I'm working on the cognitive analytical therapy stuff.

What stuff? well I'm reading stuff, and trying to work the principles. I'm getting angry that somethings I'm learning about really quickly and I get all intellectualised about it with papers and references, logical sequents and so on.

I'm trying to remember what I am really doing this for. It's not one-ups on people. showing off.

I need to focus on basics. Basics meaning things that cannot be reduced to other things.

So, basic questions.

here are some I am gazumped by (definition of Gazumped: stopped me in my tracks)

Why are you so angry (also: why are you always aggressive)?

Let me get back to this later i think

What was bothering you at work lately?

At work I moved to a new part of the building. I immediately didn't like the new office space. Everything is smaller, cramped. Everything is loud and I can hear everyone conversing. There isn't enough space on my desk and the new situation is challenging for me.

I think that I avoided these feelings today. I focussed on leaving early. I did a big avoidance by focussing on going home early and buying a monitor. I kept my focus on having a new monitor with all the bells and whistles. I put my energy into something outside of work, because I realise I'm going into a new situation inside of work that I cannot change.

Another thing that's bothering me is that lately at work, I have felt constantly on edge. A senior colleague has been supervising and helicoptering around me a lot lately, that gets me on edge. I really don't like that she's around. I also have to deal with some big changes that involved very senior editors and uncomfortable things. At work we have to ask ouselves: will there still be a paper in 10 years? If so, how can we afford it, accounting for inflation and market trends?

The thing is, we can't. The models show we have to make savings, reduce the head count and reduce costs. That's a dose of hard reality. That kind of conversation puts me on edge. It seems into my behaviour in things unrelated to the big picture. When I'm putting payments through or processing data, I feel on edge. I feel on edge in case one of the senior colleagues comes by. I then feel on edge if I have pissed off any senior editors. There's so many things, internal politics, organisational goals and my own concerns about my own income.

I guess that's life. What I'm trying to say is, lots of things form the context of my mindset and then some things happen. The things that are problematic in my life: hypervigilance, constant alertness, aggression. Some people don't deserve me being aggressive to them. I'm angry at something at work, but it seems to carry over in my personal interactions.

I've observed something at work: very senior editors in the comment section really go at loggerheads at each other. Then the edition is printed. The next day they sit at the desk and work together and although all is not forgiven. It's another day, another issue and that previous confrontation was a separated thing. Perhaps that is a good way to live.

I've had some help from psychology services.

The conclusion of the session was that I need to think more about the things that are difficult. I experience frequent night terrors. I also feel hypervigilant.

I need to write more about this. I need to write about what I go through and what I feel, this is integral.

I also need to be open and I need to do actual emotional work through this process. This entails a sense of vulnerability which I think I am not willing to experience.