It's getting close to 5am and I'm working on a bunch of plans for the next 3 weeks. I've done this so much now that it's become almost routine.

On saturday I got up a bit later but caught up on rest. I spent much of the afternoon catching up on reading.

I spent the late afternoon and early evening walking to the gym, walking home and having a subway. I did 'stack' (my ritual for deliberately overeating before my big sunday gym session). When I got home I just realised my body was exhausted so I had to sleep. I woke up close to midnight and for the past 5 or so hours since I've been working on well, planning and logging.

I want to write about something.

Some people see me as having a 'high profile job'. It is true that I run rotas and production schedules at work, and I work at a fast pace where I must make decisions quickly. I fail to realise sometimes that people see me in a certain way.

I'm getting a lot of flashbacks and memories. Memories of a person I used to be. I'm watching this series on netflix at the moment, which is about Charlie Ayo, a character played by Idris Elba who was once an early 2000s sensation but has faded into obscurity. Ayo carries lots of memories of a past version of himself and his present isn't as good as his past.

When I was at my lowest, I did believe that my present wasn't as good as my past. But that was wrong. THe present was not a terrible situation. Being depressed certainly didn't help, but I didn't realise that those years had in it the pregnant future.  That future being my present.

I have been trying to listen to people, listen to people's experiences and give them validation.

Another thing I've realised: I employ freelancers. Where I work, I'm given a budget to book people in. Although it's not specific about me, but I do make a decision between person A and person B. I realise that giving that choice between A or B makes a difference to someone. Someone who has a life, a livelihood, a living.

This thursday passing, I went into a McD's. There were two women in the concourse as I came in talking. I didn't pay any attention to it other than they were directly in front of me. What when happened was one went away and another was standing there. I went to the self service machine and one of them was trying to call me. I wasn't really in the mood to talk to someone and I was imagining they would either be asking for money or directions, and being a packed restaurant somebody else could sort it out.

Then I realised the person was like 'no its okay' as if to suggest they weren't asking for money. Then I realised they were asking for money. They were really persistent and they really were forward. I then recognised her from a previous incident. It was really forward and really aggressive. It really made me uncomfortable. But then I thought, maybe this person is really in need. Being super aggressive in tactics must be their sign of desparation. It wasn't so great.

It also put me off going to that mcd's. It says something about this age that the begging tactics have changed and adapted. It also made me think if I should have helped or not.