Dear Diary,

This week has felt like, holding on to a horse. Amazing things happen, but I have to be fully deliberate and control the horse and not let go.

Being Deliberate is crucial to all of the best achievements of this week. I finally managed to go to the gym during lunchtime at work, I went to a gym class after work, I have had good steps. I have even set up a work plan for all the stuff I need to do over March 2019 before the end of the financial year.

The word sobriety has come up a lot in my mind. I need to keep clean in many ways. I hardly drink alcohol anymore. In fact I find its effects undesirable. I dont understand how anyone could think that the inflated ego and physical and mental dullness could be beneficial to them. Perhaps things in their lives desire it and its easier to hit the bottle than tackle other things.

This weekend is my brother and sister in law's baby shower. I'm not going. I've got another birthday party of my friend to attend and so I can tactically not attend.

This week there was a new picture editor on the magazine I work on. She is an older woman, but really cute and somehow I just feel this attraction to her. I spoke to T about it and she thinks its cute. I have this feeling inside me that I just want to be around her all the time and have banter and help her out with any issue that she has.

I spent thursday sitting next to her. Technically I'm on that desk on Thursday, but in recent months I have deliberately not sat on that desk because I prefer sitting on my other desk (I have two desks at work). There's something about her. Something about a woman my age and older. The cynicism, the slight defeat from life and the levelling of not having to be somebody else or pretend things are alright or be super ambitious or super nice. It all fades with a reality of your status (which is low).

Hmmm, the way I described it sounds like a power thing. That's not okay.

I got at my desk and worked on a bunch of things right now. I estimated it would take 6 hours to end at 0317. It's 0217 and I've basically been finished for a while now. I did correctly estimate that planning my next week and doing some non priority reading would take 6 hours roughly. I should go to bed now.