Agony

Dear diary,

I have to admit something.

Recently I've had moments where I have experienced mental and physical agony, but for reasons I don't understand, I pushed on.

I have been unwell with tonsil issues lately. I got better for a bit and then I got sick again. I feel desperate to push myself. I think that some of my colleagues at work are notcing that I'm pushing myself and are saying its unnecessary and that it will cause me visible harm.

Today at work I was lifting and moving about 14 boxes. I didn't hurt myself but I was super exhausted in the process. I had to pause and sit on the floor for a bit in the process. Yesterday (monday) at work I had another situation where I was pushing myself so hard that I stayed awake for 20 hours straight. I felt a unique kind of agony.

I always valorise pushing oneself, but something felt like it broke inside me. I pushed so hard that I feel like I may not be able to push like that again.

On a related note: I am taking some time out over the next two weeks. I need it.