Wednesday, November 27, 2019

Dear Diary,

The last month approaches.

The last month of the year. The last month of the decade. The decade that was...I don't know what it was.

I've spent all of this decade trying to work out the previous decade. I've spent the first half of the decade hating it. I spent 2/3rds of the decade hating uncertainty, and thinking I'd never get a permanent job or a pension.

It's November 2019 and I'm a cartoon editor. I work at the Sentinel news organisation and I have a career job, I have a vocation job. I have a job job. I have the esteem of my peers and my friends.

But I do feel empty, for something I didn't consider.

My friends are getting married, some are having progeny of their own. Many own their own homes. One thing I'm beginning to realise which is odd is that I'm not properly grown up, although I try my best to be. I'm also earning more than the median salary in the country, at the same time, I'm not 'middle class' affluent just yet --- another 5k/year would help.

I spent the late 2000s and early 2010s eating into my nationwide ISA. Mum would give me shit about withdrawing from it. I'd be taking money out because my job in events didn't pay enough for me to live and get some of the essentials like a proper shirt and proper clothes. Now I'm wearing a shirt that I bought from a department store with an amount of money that some people use to buy a cheap suit.

My health isn't so good. My mental health that is. I'm experiencing very bad panic episodes and my anxiety is an all time high. I had trouble getting out of bed today and with low motivation.

I've managed to get all my non priority stuff done in reasonable time tonight. It's just past 1am. It's just gotten into Wednesday.

You know - on this blog I always write about memories. I often ruminate. I feel that perhaps enough time has passed to start talking about the 2010s. The time in which i transitioned from uni into work, from uncertain work into permanent work. From a job to a career.

And how I could lose all of it in an instant.

Let's close this with things I have gratitude for:

  1. Mum and Dad
  2. My friends
  3. A salary
These seem obvious, but I am not sure how I'd cope without the way things are now. I'm sure I would, but it would change my life a lot.

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