I'm working on the cognitive analytical therapy stuff.

What stuff? well I'm reading stuff, and trying to work the principles. I'm getting angry that somethings I'm learning about really quickly and I get all intellectualised about it with papers and references, logical sequents and so on.

I'm trying to remember what I am really doing this for. It's not one-ups on people. showing off.

I need to focus on basics. Basics meaning things that cannot be reduced to other things.

So, basic questions.

here are some I am gazumped by (definition of Gazumped: stopped me in my tracks)

Why are you so angry (also: why are you always aggressive)?

Let me get back to this later i think

What was bothering you at work lately?

At work I moved to a new part of the building. I immediately didn't like the new office space. Everything is smaller, cramped. Everything is loud and I can hear everyone conversing. There isn't enough space on my desk and the new situation is challenging for me.

I think that I avoided these feelings today. I focussed on leaving early. I did a big avoidance by focussing on going home early and buying a monitor. I kept my focus on having a new monitor with all the bells and whistles. I put my energy into something outside of work, because I realise I'm going into a new situation inside of work that I cannot change.

Another thing that's bothering me is that lately at work, I have felt constantly on edge. A senior colleague has been supervising and helicoptering around me a lot lately, that gets me on edge. I really don't like that she's around. I also have to deal with some big changes that involved very senior editors and uncomfortable things. At work we have to ask ouselves: will there still be a paper in 10 years? If so, how can we afford it, accounting for inflation and market trends?

The thing is, we can't. The models show we have to make savings, reduce the head count and reduce costs. That's a dose of hard reality. That kind of conversation puts me on edge. It seems into my behaviour in things unrelated to the big picture. When I'm putting payments through or processing data, I feel on edge. I feel on edge in case one of the senior colleagues comes by. I then feel on edge if I have pissed off any senior editors. There's so many things, internal politics, organisational goals and my own concerns about my own income.

I guess that's life. What I'm trying to say is, lots of things form the context of my mindset and then some things happen. The things that are problematic in my life: hypervigilance, constant alertness, aggression. Some people don't deserve me being aggressive to them. I'm angry at something at work, but it seems to carry over in my personal interactions.

I've observed something at work: very senior editors in the comment section really go at loggerheads at each other. Then the edition is printed. The next day they sit at the desk and work together and although all is not forgiven. It's another day, another issue and that previous confrontation was a separated thing. Perhaps that is a good way to live.