the day today

 I have sometimes a resistance to do physical activity and the fidgety tasks on account of accidie. Today I have had an opposing kind of accidie, where doing physical things was bearable, but sitting down and doing the boring stuff of checking out links and applying for jobs on the computer seem boring.

Today I have done the following:

1. Sent out SAE referee letters (this was a complex task for me: involving:
i. Sorting out letters: one for sending, one for sending back, one for carrying the reference
ii. Checking out the address of the academic
iii. Email notification of my intention
iv. Sorting out stamps
2. Sent off notice of ending tenancy letter
3. Got more stamps
4. Got more lipobind
5. Got another shaver (later realising that it was unncessary, although for a £4 purchase, it was nothing compared to the fucking £25 lipobind
6.looked for a postbox but went into a pet charity shop (I don't know...wtf), and got a cold compress. It is like a glowstick, you break it, or in this case, burst the inner sack, and it goes suddenly cold for about 10 minutes
7. Bought groceries: highlights, mushrooms, £1 linda mcartney lasagne, courgette (a recurring seasonal favourite) and 8 cans of 20p beer.

I should give myself a pat on the back. Despite the fact that I have been laying about for a lot of the day, wanking for 2-3 hour stints; I'm procgressing, I did the things that I feel most anxious about and I am slowly getting less anxious and underconfident about it.

Dinner today is: yorkshire pudding, whole mushroom and vegetarian lasagne. A wholesome, both in terms of gluttony, but in terms of eco-consciousness.

Agencies

No, this is not a post in moral philosophy of economic raitonality.

Yesterday, after much thought about the issue and no action. I went with my girlfriend to a job acengy. My girlfriend went to the other, my crutch excusing me (after taking a wrong turn), being an emotional crutch of a girlfriend, she took away my anxieties by coming with me.

I have recieved a form from one of the recruiting agencies. I have filled out the form and will give it to the fellow at the desk later. What I shall do now, I'm not sure.

I've been scared of physically going into the agency building. I am physically scared of going into buildings like job centres and agencies because the internet is such a way to hide behind. Phone calls I also don't like compared to emails. Yesterday, and today (after going into the agency). I will have grown and jumped into the adult world

Prestige

I just found out on my blog catcher that a girl from my university, whom I knew through my old friend/enemy, has recieved a prestigious grant for her research on natal something or other. She once took me home when I was ridiculously drunk.

Good for her. I knew that she was a good medical student She'll be a great doctor, I'm guessing that she is going into research.

Of course I'm envious, but credit goes to where credit's due. Well done her :)

Another PhD application (failed)

I've sent off a PhD application just now, although I'm not sure how to complete it. It says that its all online yet asks for some documentation to be sent off to them. There is a referee form and a research proposal, which I have already sent to them...

I feel like 'why bother' with these applications. Why bother anymore. Why bother with everything. I feel like it is hopeless. What is the point of it all anymore. I feel that I'll never get into a PhD and I am forever lost in my dream, broken hearted like everything else in the world.

Yet somehow I must stay positive.

I'll try to think about how much I love my girlfriend. Life is painful and saints only exist in paradise. Maybe I'll have to persevere in this life to achieve sainthood.

Leg injury

I'm going to do a multiple post since I was away from keyboard for the past weekend. I had a leg injury. Actually, it isn't as painful when I sit down, or when I was watching Star Trek: DS9.

I spent last night just relaxing in bed, not thinking about the pain. Today I awoke and decided to go to the hospital on my own. I got a crutch, and told to put ice on my knee and muscles for 30 mins a day, and take anti-inflammation drugs.

It was kind of sexy with that nurse feeling up my leg. I should have said I had a penis injury and it only shows when I'm erect.

This injury is going to hurt my jogging plans, I can't jog for maybe a month. How I am going to lose weight now is beyond me. Hopefully good eating. No job interview, and I have been getting calls from a caller ID barred phone, I didn't answer them since I was coming back from hospital and unable to take a call. I think its currently unrealistic to get to that job tomorrow, on account of me being away from the city and this injury.

Take heart, I'll try to get back on track.

I'm kind of okay with my injury. People worrying about me and treating me extra special and looking physically less mobile is said to be sexy [albeit for women]. That said, a woman with a broken leg is sexy, a woman in a wheelchair for all her life is seemingly not. That's discrimination.

Anyhoo. I decided to clear my schedule of unnecessary tasks yet do the important job stuff

Onwards, even if slowly now

tip of the week...

I normally get this advice emailed to me and ignore the tip. This one I was thinking about for a while anyway. Today, when I saw that my schedule was G-BLocked again. I realised: I'm applying to a lot of things but some of them I don't really care for. I do have a plan of action for companies that I want to apply to and feel passionate about. I am putting them all on an equal basis where ceteris paribus doesn't apply to my job preferences. Location, and industry are important.

I'm gonna delete some stuff on my Gcal list

Begrudingly I post

to do anything, I feel a bit stressed that I'm behind my schedule. It sounds absurd that I have a shcedule when I am unemployed, that I have been following this schedule of applying to jobs, yet I find so little fruit out of it. The real skill of a system like this is doing enough done to have an efficient number of things on your day plan, so as not to put too mnay things, and not to be nothing at all, or putting too many, yet useless things down as tasks (for instance, laundry).

I have so many things to do, If I do nothing I will fall deeper into my hole and end up starting from scratch where even getting out of bed is the great achievement of my day.

It feels like today is an achievement. I had an injury yesterday when meeting with my friends. It was a disappointment  to go out with them. I was preparing to go airsofting with them for quite some time, excited and bought lots of things for it. I then find that it was a failed venture. The event was too hard and not enjoyable. We all didn't enjoy it. I didn't miss out on much having gone out of the game halfway through. We went out to Portsmouth and did some shopping. It was nice, seaside, working class but not chavesque and friendly, or was it entirely fake? Who knows I was only there for an hour.

Aside from the injury, I found that my girlfriend is having a hard time. more on that in another post

my last dream

last night, well, this morning, the dream I just had was as follows (note how i making sense isn't an issue);

I was in love with a girl, apparently an americangirl. She si a model who went to my university who was in my course but two  years below me (that bit actually refers to an actual girl i wank over, as she does nude modelling). I found out that this girl was moving back to her native home of the US, I  was heartbroke (despite the fact that I already had a girlfrend. For some reason, I met her in some elegant towel while I met her and talked to her.
Before she was going home to the states, on an ambulance, it crashe, the oors opened and her bed thingy came out of the doors and onto the road, wich was on the bridge that I lived on, then a redhead canadian friend (not an actual person in real life) said something to her, but it was all slow and dramatic and in slow motion, and she was too slow and weak to actually hear, but it was on a written message, so she read the message and when I was there (I was both a camera character and a narrator), she sai that she needed to wear my towel because the car crash made her towel wet. This led to me having to take off my clothes (which happened to be a towel, and we were both naked as I took of f my  towel and she took off hers. I then was frotting her in an experience that was almost sexual but teasing, she then said that she had to go and she knows that I cannot finish this teasing that I started. I said that I have control over my sex and that I wont ' be forced to cum in her orfuck her.

She then says 'really? how do you live?', I am then suddenly in my old flat 2 years ago when I was admitted into the nuthouse. I then met this girl from the ADC who caught us almost having sex and naked, but this time I was in my pants and she was wearing a towel, I then realised, after the model girl left for america, that this ADC  girl lived in my old room now, I then had a look into my room and saw some old features, I then realised that the layout was different, and everything seemed to have a 'candlelight' quality to it. I then was told that she had all of these toys from when I used to live there, accumulated in her room. I then found a dr seuss book and this toy train which was part of a two train set that was now complete. i was thinking of giving that train toy to the model girl but now that I exchaned the towle with her, I did not need to give her a gift and my train toy was free to give to the one who already had my train set Which was my girlfriend's daughter.

Then I woke up.

This sound sstupid and absurd. I typed this up with my eyes closed so to draw only from my imagination. i dont think that I have as vividly written about a dream in my life.

let the water form

When I was younger, i had this lucozade bottle. Lucozade bottles back in 1996 were thick plastic, durable and perfect to freeze a drink in. The bottle had a wider drinking bit and was a fat shape. I used to, back in year 5-6 of primary school, keep drinks, either water or some kind of squash, in that bottle.

On hot days, i used to drink as much of the little water that came. Sometimes I used the ice and filled the bottle with however much water that the gaps would allow. This enabled a cool drink to be had and the ice would slowly climatise to the water that was warmer. Other times, I would wait and allow it to form a full drink instead of a semi-parched sip wanting more.

Currently, in my job situation. I've been in a dry patch. Within the space of 24 hours, however, I got an interview sorted for monday, and I was called just about 15 minutes ago of a job offer. I'll be doing policy research in the university city for 3 weeks. It's a temporary stint of work, but money is money. 7.50 an hour doesn't sound too bad. I've been busying myself with job offers applications and, without choice, cannot get anything but dryness.

Now however, it seems that 2 potential job offers after about 5-6 weeks of applications; things may be getting better, in the country as a whole, and in terms of my life.

i'll take what I'm given, and happily accept this job offer, if I get it.

dreams

it is a common pre-scientific belief that dreams reveal the subconscious.

My recurring dreams last night revolved around:

1. Getting rejections by email
2. Missing Charleston, and dreaming that he wasn't missing and ran away from home

the day past

this day past happened the following:

1. I got a haircut, its shorter and straight
2. i got goggles
3. i got my favourite clothes from Gap, set me back £50
4. Charleston emailed my dad, he says he doesn't want to be found. I think he's paranoid and mentally ill, he's run away from home and doesn't want anyone to know about his life anymore. He's gone. The last that we have ever heard from him.

How sad.

facebook hypocrisy

okay, so a girl i know identifies as

Christian - Pentecostal

Pretty hardcore, pretty 'black' for a caucasian to identify with, right on!

Yet, she's also bisexual, and in skimpy costumes and generally slutty.

WHat's going on

Practice what thy preach

NEETS

I found this article today.

I knew a lecturer who taught me for a class, he worked on unemployment and NEETS. He himself was a NEET, went to university later on as a mature student and I bet he's doing research now.

I've gone from PhD hopeful to KFC applicant. I'm keeping my chin up, trying to keep busy and positive.

I just hope that one day when I'm older, although I am a young man now; maybe when I'm older, things will be alright. Might afford a nice house, a car, have some dough in the bank etc etc.

Money didn't use to be an issue, mainly cos there wasn't a recession an I was naive. Being an academic, having dreams and aspirations mean nothing in the light of that formerly fact.

physiognomy

A long time ago this blog used to be primarily about body image, I suppose it is still in a big way about body image. I think in a way that I'd hate to be a single issue blog, or a single issue person. This blog is more a diary now than anything, especially as I expect no one to read it (although anyone who does is very welcome).

You know what I hate? Fat chicks. I got nothing against fat women being successful or being beautiful. I hate the women who judge themselves primarily by their looks and fail because the standards that they internalise are the ones that they do not embody, and that distance between their ideal and what they are not (namely, not fulfilling the ideal), creates their own inner resentment. I don't feel sorry for those women. I despise them.

I hate women who say they are independent women and they are not. I hate women who don't get their hands dirty, I hate men who dont' get their hands dirty either. I hate that fat nurse who tries to talk me down. I get flashes of distress. Girlfriend asked if I could have a threesome, but not the kind I like, with her ex who is basically trying to get into her pants constantly.

It's wearing me down. I feel soemtimes, what is the point of having this relationship. I suppose the relationship seems to be a real chore to work on, but I have nothing else in my life. Today I started early and I am busy with things on the computer, applying to loads of things etc.

Google blocked

This is my new phrase for today. I invented it. My GCal is 'blocked up', this means, I have put in far too many tasks that a. I could realistically do, b. I could not spread them out enough within a single week to get it actually done. c. I've been putting off for a very long time such that it created a big 'blockage' of to -do tasks on my agenda.

I had to clear up the blockage. I'm setting about 3-4 applications a day. If I manage to do less than this, that's good, then I'll be ahead of schedule and I'll reshelf the next day to perform today's task.

hangover, conaturs style

saturday night/sunday morning consisted of a post-night out where i had to take my nemesis home.

Five hours after sleep, I had to get to the other party in my parent's house, for my nephew.

I finally got to bed at an early 1am (or was it 2?)

I wake up about 10, but I really get out of bed towards midday. 

Today, I've not done much; I did little tasks. My brother is moving out, the room is empty but I'm staying in my room to give him space, both physical and emotional.

I'm not so keen on him of late. He's moving out with little money. My brother has some ambiguous part time work; is going into a new flat and doing all this band stuff with recordings and his debut album.

My brother has always been bad for planning. He's short tempered and often his own shortcomings, which fuel his failures, aggrivate an anger towards other people which is both misdirected and awkward to be around. I don't really like how his goals and his general ends are diffuse and not strongly defined. He's a weak character, a weak mind and not really dedicated or focussed. He is the epitome of normality in the sense that he has no real special talent or eminence about him. On the other hand, when I think of myself, the sepcialness within me is eroding. Where am I hiding in this situation?

Right now I want to just lay down and feel the cool summer air from my window float onto my face. A part of me, however, knows that I am behind in my schedule. I'm in a dinky little box room, where my head lays against one wall and my bent knee with foot pushing against the other..

My brother in law's brother is also unemployed, he complimented me on having a 'system'. i feel inadequate in terms of my scheme to getting a job, namely, it's lack of success. That said, I got a call from a law firm asking me to put forward the intake date of my application so as I may get a better chance; they want me to apply and they haven't turned me down because of the numbers: they want to consider me.

I'm not sure if that's a good sign, or a neutral sign. I don't care really. I just want to get on

resolution

last night, well this night, well, this present night. I went to see some friends. Old college friends, we went to wetherspoons, then a chain nightclub. We drank a lot, drinking game. At the club, we danced but sat and talk. Then, my nemesis was there. The guy who I probably talked about who poopooed on Marie. In a sense, the longer lasting damage against Marie was the destruction of my friendship with him. This guy, perhaps out of inadequacy, got so horribly drunk probably as an attempt to fit in. This guy then puked in two cups in the nightclub, I forced him out. I then covered his back as he puked in some industrial estate or back of a restaurant.

I went out of my way to see to it that he got home safely. I chatted, i listened to a lot of his bullshit. I got angry at him. I saw my own faults, it was unnecessary that I saw his. I bailed his fat arse. It was like God gave me a chance for redemption, and I took it, albeit not exactly the good samaritan. I'm more the bregrudingly okay samaritan who looked after the guy in a limited manner.

I helped him a lot, I showed in a way that I was the best friend he had. He's not my best friend though. Not anymore. I feel bad for him, I feel sorry for him. I  mostly, however, feel like I got a bit of clearance in my chi, as my girlfriend would say. I don't have it in my thoughts so much. I can get on with the important task of living on and getting on. I have no job, I'm quite the loser, but I'll hope to see if things perk up


The group we were in divided into two. One group stayed in the club, some whores were hitting on lucky looker friend of a friend. He wanted to stay so the one group stayed to back him up, especially as he was visiting from another area and was staying over with a friend.

I wanted to go home. My nemesis

Obesity drugs

I have been taking Lipobind for the past two days. Although it's early days, I like the feeling that it binds all the fat together into an indisoluble chemical compound and just left to make fatty shit. Apparently works only with 20% of the fat I intake, but that's good enough for me. I must remember to keep on my plan that I was keeping, namely, of jogging and eating healthily and not too much.

Going through old posts

I've been blogging since 2004. That's 5 years. I have multiple blogs. This would be my fourth or second one (depends on your 'definition'. Anyway. I am basically anonymising and hiding my old posts, these posts show me up in the sense of embarrassing me now.

I have changed a fair bit, but on the other hand, perhaps I have not changed.

My grammar seems to have been improved. I seemed to address very trivial and silly issues. Like a Univeristy student starved of knowledge and feeding only on what they know, plus additional 'a' level knowledge. I try not to think about myself as a person who has done these qualifications and these courses. I have always felt a need within myself to be special. Felt that I wanted to be special, out of the ordinary, unique, original, one of a kind. Perhaps I am those things in a way, but I am also very unspectacular. I hope I haven't repeated words, that is normally a sign of one's bad command of english.

I'll be posting soon. I like to take a pause and make these observations, they may find insight into who I am later on, like a futureme email.

Internet fallacies

My friend from uni found out I had depression and other personal stuff because he found my blog and went back and looked at all the posts.

anonymity is king when it comes to the internet. i hate being 'outed' by people about anything. On the other hand, there is always a chance that I will be 'outed' on this blog, of people using their special methods and whatnot to find out who I am. I guess it doesn't help if I post loads. I want to be hidden when I write as conatus. Lately I have been making multiple blogs to post in. I feel that, posting in multiple blogs helps express the many facets of my personality. I won't say what my other facets are, perhaps it should be self evident..

Dreams I've been having

Some dreams I have lately been having:

1. Some involving car crashes, one involves how I find my mum incompetent at times, and I keep nagging her about what she is not good at, to stop doing. One dream involved me telling my mum that she is driving too fast, she then says something like: I've been driving for longer than you why should I listen to you. Lo and behold, she crashes.

2. Other dreams involve me not being good enough, or having high enough grades. My inadequacy is really strongly present and highlighted in my subconscious. Not only that, I project it on others when I dream, it is as if that is the most powerful way that they desecrate themselves. I project my own insecurities and fears. I try, in my dreams. I try to be 'stoic' with my emotions nowadays, not to show what I'm really thinking, feeling. If I ignore it or not give it any currency. I try to excise it from my body. The idea goes something like this: the failure of anger management is that embracing anger only fuel's more anger, likewise, embracing the pit of despair fully makes it worse (something I learned from experience).

The modus ponens also has a modus tollens: which is, avoiding those feelings really strong in you also takes away your disposition and desire to, embrace or indulge in them. Consider it like, emotional waxing, you pull it out, and even though it doesn't make it go away, it comes back less, and some of the seed of those negative feelings go away. The patch of hair comes back with fewer and and finer hairs.

good for him

a friend of mine has been in a similar unemployed situation to me. however, he's now gotten a prestigious internship at a bank. I'm happy for him, I'm also reeling a bit in jealousy. I'm thinking to myself, if I keep pushing myself, maybe something will happen.

What do I really want? A funded PhD or MPhil.

What will I accept? Getting a job, earning money, trying to be independent, getting out of this rut.

I'm going to power through until the tears end, it ends only when I find what I'm looking for. There are tears of perseverance, and tears of feeling sorry for oneself. Just keep going, I tell myself.

Maybe, once again, my personality and all the things that make me wonderful will shine again, like how the depression had once blunted my self-perception, my determination will follow through.

Today (and radio memories)

Today I have sent four applications, one to a local small time job, another is a graduate job. Two of them are to publishers. Not bad. I've been at it more or less consistently since about 10:30 am. Also, I have made a grilled vegetable lunch. Now, I am pondering to go for a big jog. I'm thinking that I shall go in my heavy gear although the journey will be touch. I'm planning to go on a route that is 7.7km. Not been on it before, part of it involves a lot of uphill.

I'm just getting a random memory. My sister used to have this super advanced (for 1988 standards) subwoofer stereo, it had broken almost completely by the time it was my property, I then used it as a radio. I lived on classic fm between 1997-to about 2001. I then started listening to talk radio from 2003-6. After a bit of radio limbo, I started then listening to BBC stuff from about august 2008. Back then they knew the recession was coming, but most people weren't worried much. I never considered myself a radio fan, but now realising this pattern that I have adopted, a lot of my life and memories are lived a bit through radio. I was a fan of Radio 1 and the charts briefly in 1996. Back then a tori amos song that seemed like a remix was a number 1 at the time.

I think I've done enough to earn my jog. Im eating too much at my parents, Im not suffering enough and pushing my body enough.

TOodles

The generation Y

I read in an article somewhere back that I am part of Generation Y. A generation of the naughties who thinks they can get what they want; have high standards, and are very selective and fussy. I guess that is right about me. I'm kindo f being on the defensive in a way. I find it easier to demean myself than have someone else demean me and just take it. I deserve it though.

The more I see these graduates unemployed, I realise that my story is just one of many, I'm just another certificate. I was one mark away from failing my Masters. Further to that, I am screwed. I'm sending graduate applications like no ones business. Recession or not; there wouldn't be enough graduate jobs for all the falsely aspiring peoples of today going to university. It seems to be that many are educated in the big brother culture (the series, not the reference to 1984), being philistines, bred on reality tv, trying to be 'intellectual' through their grade factories instead of being interested in learning. Am I a part of that generation of philistinery? I think I am.

I'm a hopeless who in another age would have been rejected from university and ended up a manual laborer and probably earned a good day's pay through a hard day's work. I'd be earning more and probably happier, I'd probably play a lot more xbox and have fun. I don't deserve a masters or a degree. That's why I was wholly inept for a PhD. I'feel like I've lost hope. In my head, I feel like its totally hopeless, I'm trying not to think through my head anymore, I'm going to 'lower' myself and be more like a normal, conformed person, just a person who is trying to get by, trying to go along with my mediocrity. I saw a vacan\cy for hospital administration; I could be qualified to take it. The thing that upsets me is that I have, in a way, become the one thing I hated the most: I aspire to be a suit, I'm worried about money, the future and career and job prospects.

I was in dream world thinking that my PhD and academic career would lift off. It is okay to be in dream world IFF you work your balls off for it. I didn't , I spent all my time chasing depressed thoughts and trying to save a girl who didn't even want me in the first place. She was just playing me.

I feel a little bit more religious lately. I feel like I have sinned and I am in a fundamental condition of damnation, I want to be saved. I will work for my salvation, believe in my salvation, hope for it. Hope for salvation is all I am working on in the light that the rest of my life is mediocre. I am accepting my mediocrity. I didnt deserve it all. Everything has turned into shit where those letters after my name should have been gold-print.

Revelations of the day

• I have really yellow teeth, I do not brush my teeth often. I rely too much on my genetic disposition of having good teeth. It's not enough to have the genes but treat it right.
• I might quite like living in my parent's house.
• My mum has retired. It is surely different now. Our neighbour/long time friend, who has also retired, has come to visit. It is nice, having a friend nearby.

Today I start with a cup of green tea and a day of things to do. I'm optimistic. I got out of be even though I felt like staying there.

Wishy washy

The flaw I used to point out in people is having thoughts too diffuse, imprecise, fluffy and droll.

When people ask me the hard questions, my voice goes into a certain register. I then find that I am stressed to justify my existence to them.

I'm not the great person I once thought myself to be. I'm just a normal, albeit loser person now.

the nuclear explosion

The nuclear family is said to be the norm of family unit. I never really assumed life was any different. Going out with a single parent challenges me in that respect. I worry about how the little one will turn out. I hope our relationship will go well. Growing up in a nuclear family and all nuclear families around me didnt make me think or challenge or criticise other arrangements. I dont really criticise other arrangements. I wonder if the nuclear family is deficient. I came back home after the birthday weekend. Here's the highlights of what happened:

1. I had a big fight about being unemployed with my gf. She says I'm lazy, I think she's right.
2. My mum has officially retired. I wonder how it's going to be with her around all the time. Won't be able to wank much, that's for sure.
3. My brother is moving out. He's been acting mysterious, even more so now that he is living in a flat; he doesn't have much money: how is he earning anything? My brother is also recording the debut album of him and his band. I really don't like talking about this issue (his privacy)
4. My neighbour Charlestone is missing. This is part of a long story that I was meaning to talk about in another post. Charlestone, according to my dad, has been missing for 3 weeks; this is really bad. I'm guessing, both out of my morbid fascination, and as an academically reasoned guess, that he's topped himself. I feel a bit sad about it, but not surprised.

I'm back home at the 'rents. I hope to be more productive later on this week.

the light of day (insecurities)

It's really upsetting when someone brings up or tells you those things that you think worse about yourself. My girlfriend knows quite well how to do that, some other peopel do as well. Sometimes I get flashes, like I used to of how bad thinsg used to be or remember things that upset me or cause me distress. I experience those things because I choose to. How could I not think about those things? I used to ask myself rhetorically. I am having head pains, really bad insomnia (like worst in months) and am getting up really late (2pm today).

I must make an effort to sleep early. Get laying in bed by like 10.

Anyhoo.

I decided that I shall choose not to dwell on those things that upset me, in essence, feel detachment. Detachment seems to work. As I have lost so much. I think that just struggling to move on will help me through this difficult time. I have had 1800+ taken out of my account, that means that my cheque to the landlord has gotten through; that means, council tax situation over. Now, wait a few weeks adn hand in the notice...

no crying over spoiled milk

My university that conferred me 5 letters of unemployability, the city of which I live in, had a big event last night. I could hear it viz orchestral scores, clapping and fireworks outside my window.

Today I got out of bed at 5pm. It is really unacceptable. This is really the worst time I've gotten up in about 2 years. I resolve to get some things done. I am clothed, upright and in front of my computer. Hopefully I'll get stuff done today.

My birthday is coming up and its making me think about my alst birthday. I got a lot of facebook salutations from it, about 110 'happy birthday' wishes. I don't think that this year I'll get many, except from people like my family or closest  (which I say in a fairly tenuous manner) friends. I realise that my reputation was shallow, short lived, with a very temporary shelf-life, like reduced for quick sale milk.

clothes on ebay

I once bought this very weird goth jacket in 06 cos i thought it would make me fit in. A signal of my desparation. I bought me a jacket from eBay this week. It is a military jacket; it has an inner, detachable layer, and the outer later is a water resistant, polyester-cotton thin layer. It's utilitarian, it's military chique (its' called an m65 field jacket, used by the US military).

My flatmate was on the couch asleep this morning. Aforementioned flatmate who's room had some sexual action. It wasn't her...I'm guessing she let a visiting friend have a fuck. I hear them conferring or giggling downstairs in the bathroom. That throws me off a touch.

My clothes are mostly dirty, further, there is a bit of competition for the washing machine space. I hope to do my laundries today. I am trying feeling a strong inclination to just laze today. I dont feel much motivation to get anything done.

As I came in from the post office and my flatmate's friends began to wake, the guy (the one fucking last night) decided to get out of the window and sit on the ledge of the house, making my masturbating in almost clear sight to him. This made me anxious, not to mention the piss that i empty out on that gutter. Lucky for him, I didn't empty that for a while. I'm doing a fair few law training applications. Most of them commence in 2011

clothes on ebay

I once bought this very weird goth jacket in 06 cos i thought it would make me fit in. A signal of my desparation. I bought me a jacket from eBay this week. It is a military jacket; it has an inner, detachable layer, and the outer later is a water resistant, polyester-cotton thin layer. It's utilitarian, it's military chique (its' called an m65 field jacket, used by the US military).

My flatmate was on the couch asleep this morning. Aforementioned flatmate who's room had some sexual action. It wasn't her...I'm guessing she let a visiting friend have a fuck. I hear them conferring or giggling downstairs in the bathroom. That throws me off a touch.

My clothes are mostly dirty, further, there is a bit of competition for the washing machine space. I hope to do my laundries today. I am trying feeling a strong inclination to just laze today. I dont feel much motivation to get anything done.

glimmer

the past day. I often feel a sense of laziness about writing about myself and I am forcing myself now to write up about how things have progressed. It's 4am, my flatmate is having a fuck, presumably celebrating her qualification as a teacher, I heard them slapping and grabbing. It is more disturbing than anything.

1. I have sent a voicemail to my landlord and wrote a cheque to pay off the council tax, I jogged to the post office to mail it
2. My jacket that I bought is in the mail office, I'm getting it tomorrow morning, well, in a few hours, assuming I wake up (or go to sleep).
3. I'm feeling uneasy about the application; I've gotten two strongly worded emails from the university saying things like: such and such urgently need to be recieved by monday. It is slightly worrying.

I've not done much this past day (friday).

My birthday is coming up. Last year I was the centre of attention at university and among friends. Now I am hiding from the world, with very few friends and no social life.

I was reading some of my old blog from 2004-5. It marks my thoughts and feelings from the first year of university. I realise how in some ways I have changed. I remember who I used to be. A lot of water has passed the bridge. Im not so attached to the past as I once was, although lately I've been having quite distressing pockets of memory. Triggers, you almost might say.

I hope tomorrow brings more productivity.

bite the bullet, for he who hesistates, masturbates

I just bit the bullet and asked my referees (for my 4 past applications) for another reference. Who knows what will happen? I'm scared, shit scared. I just did it without thinking too much. Of course I was reluctant. I consider this my last PhD chance before going into work applications.

In other news, my relationship with food is changing. Food is a comfort for me, an emotional barrier, like as if to say; 'at least I have food' when things are getting me down.

I should learn to just say 'i'm fucked' and accept it. Well not just accept it, but plan how to get back on track.

I feel like a loser, but at least I'm in front of the computer again, I've been away for a couple of days being at my girlfriends place.
 I got more applications to keep getting on with. Rolls royce rejected me but they said 'don't give up'. How nice of them