I am currently listening to aphex twin, as evidenced by the title of my post.
Today I woke up around a quarter to 11, I spent about a half hour masturbating or mas-crastination. After sitting myself up, I thought to myself: "what the hell am I doing! Why didn't I force myself up earlier!". It so happened that I woke up earlier, at 8am, which is the time that I set myself every morning. I had some weird dream that I cannot remember any detail of, but later on in the dream I heard a loud alarm like sound, like a klaxon, repeating. My dream began to fade as I entered wakefulness and then I discovered that it was my phone alarm.
I decided to lie in, I thought to myself that I would just lay in bed for a little longer until I felt stronger and more able to get up. This is the common deception of waking up. When I did get up later, it was nearly 11 am! I began the day slowly, by putting my laptop on my chest, playing mafia wars on facebook and then masturbating. Once I had got my head on my shoulders, I decided to brush my teeth (I think I did, right?) but not shave. I am considering a beard presently. It is nice to look different ater all. I normally set myself a principled "one beard a year" and given that I have not really held to that since february 2008, I can still pull one off before the decade ends.
Today, according to google calendar, I have been going through a few graduate job sites, I have also put a CV on a publishing recruitment site, and I had a jog. I also did some reading tasks and rescheduled some of my days. I did not jog very far today, I barely did one lap of my normal route. I did inflict some pain on my legs and worked up a sweat. I did about 5 minutes of situps but not the chest and arm excercises as there was an asian man who was hogging up BOTH of the machines. It is one thing to be using a single machine and I will respect that they are entitled to using it, but to put their fleece over the other machine, as if to indicate that its already taken is unacceptable.
The logo on my base layer is fading/peeling. I suppose that means it has been through a few washes and a few good uses.
Yesterday I was following up some medical issues. I have been waiting on the letter to confirm and arrange an appointment for counselling. I had recieved a couple of calls from the health centre. Upon calling them, they claimed not to know why they were calling me. I would have previously found this a frustration but I stoically accepted this situation and hope to wait for a letter to come in the post. For me, pushing this counselling plan forward is overall putting my life forward in how I advance in it.
Lady GaGa was born on the same year as me, Little Boots (Victoria Hesketh) a year after me. Compared to that, I am a pathetic loser. Lady GaGa has probably the same musical education as me but proably more talent and confidence; Little Boots virtually did the same classes as me although that's not to say that I've done cultural studies as a degree. My motivation was low while jogging, and i have done a modest, but not terrible amount today. It is now past 5pm and the sun slowly sets on the day. Today is another day that has passed. I try to think less as I go through life and I avoid 'looking back' when I walk through life.
I have been considering lately about how to deal with triggers. I have had some triggering experiences from time to time over the past few days. One from the name of a star trek character sounding remarkably similar to the name of the guy my now ex wants to play the game with. I try to keep control by thinking of the triggers like buttons on a keyboard. I may have my finger over the key, but will I push down and let it take me over? That is my choice and I can choose not to let it affect me. It is a notion and a practice that takes a great deal of mental power and experience. I find myself having an awareness of those feelings, seeing the modalities that a response to those feelings may lead to, and decide the uncertain path, not listening to those triggering thoughts.
Feelings are things that are frivolous, whimsical. A feeling comes at a whim; I may be angry, but eventually anger passes and fades in intensity. I was jogging today while listening to the Metallica song St. Anger, as I was, the associations of hate and anger that noramlly fill my blood with adrenaline were not as present. I felt no need or use for anger, I felt my power over anger reduced. What I did do is focus my concentration and attention on each next step I took, and the next, and the next. I jogged for about 750m with that kind of attitude.
I try to acknowledge that feelings are transient entities; more transient than my enduring life. As such, the feeling that consumes me at any given t may escape me at t'. I have cleared my calendar for this evening. I suppose this counts as having 'the rest of the evening off'. I am considering what I can do with the rest of my day. My routine is that I am normally laying in bed by 7-9pm and then actually asleep at any time from 2am.
I think that tonight I may try something different. Perhaps I may write poetry. Perhaps I might write all of those blog posts that I have been meaning to write but never do; perhaps I might write in this blog all evening exploring all the dimentions of thought and emotion that I do not explore in my conscious thoughts during the day, that is, those thoughts that I suppress in order to continue with my life.
I think what I will do is:
i. Play piano downstairs when the room is free
ii (until i. can happen), write a post about 'thought suppression'.
End post
Today I woke up around a quarter to 11, I spent about a half hour masturbating or mas-crastination. After sitting myself up, I thought to myself: "what the hell am I doing! Why didn't I force myself up earlier!". It so happened that I woke up earlier, at 8am, which is the time that I set myself every morning. I had some weird dream that I cannot remember any detail of, but later on in the dream I heard a loud alarm like sound, like a klaxon, repeating. My dream began to fade as I entered wakefulness and then I discovered that it was my phone alarm.
I decided to lie in, I thought to myself that I would just lay in bed for a little longer until I felt stronger and more able to get up. This is the common deception of waking up. When I did get up later, it was nearly 11 am! I began the day slowly, by putting my laptop on my chest, playing mafia wars on facebook and then masturbating. Once I had got my head on my shoulders, I decided to brush my teeth (I think I did, right?) but not shave. I am considering a beard presently. It is nice to look different ater all. I normally set myself a principled "one beard a year" and given that I have not really held to that since february 2008, I can still pull one off before the decade ends.
Today, according to google calendar, I have been going through a few graduate job sites, I have also put a CV on a publishing recruitment site, and I had a jog. I also did some reading tasks and rescheduled some of my days. I did not jog very far today, I barely did one lap of my normal route. I did inflict some pain on my legs and worked up a sweat. I did about 5 minutes of situps but not the chest and arm excercises as there was an asian man who was hogging up BOTH of the machines. It is one thing to be using a single machine and I will respect that they are entitled to using it, but to put their fleece over the other machine, as if to indicate that its already taken is unacceptable.
The logo on my base layer is fading/peeling. I suppose that means it has been through a few washes and a few good uses.
Yesterday I was following up some medical issues. I have been waiting on the letter to confirm and arrange an appointment for counselling. I had recieved a couple of calls from the health centre. Upon calling them, they claimed not to know why they were calling me. I would have previously found this a frustration but I stoically accepted this situation and hope to wait for a letter to come in the post. For me, pushing this counselling plan forward is overall putting my life forward in how I advance in it.
Lady GaGa was born on the same year as me, Little Boots (Victoria Hesketh) a year after me. Compared to that, I am a pathetic loser. Lady GaGa has probably the same musical education as me but proably more talent and confidence; Little Boots virtually did the same classes as me although that's not to say that I've done cultural studies as a degree. My motivation was low while jogging, and i have done a modest, but not terrible amount today. It is now past 5pm and the sun slowly sets on the day. Today is another day that has passed. I try to think less as I go through life and I avoid 'looking back' when I walk through life.
I have been considering lately about how to deal with triggers. I have had some triggering experiences from time to time over the past few days. One from the name of a star trek character sounding remarkably similar to the name of the guy my now ex wants to play the game with. I try to keep control by thinking of the triggers like buttons on a keyboard. I may have my finger over the key, but will I push down and let it take me over? That is my choice and I can choose not to let it affect me. It is a notion and a practice that takes a great deal of mental power and experience. I find myself having an awareness of those feelings, seeing the modalities that a response to those feelings may lead to, and decide the uncertain path, not listening to those triggering thoughts.
Feelings are things that are frivolous, whimsical. A feeling comes at a whim; I may be angry, but eventually anger passes and fades in intensity. I was jogging today while listening to the Metallica song St. Anger, as I was, the associations of hate and anger that noramlly fill my blood with adrenaline were not as present. I felt no need or use for anger, I felt my power over anger reduced. What I did do is focus my concentration and attention on each next step I took, and the next, and the next. I jogged for about 750m with that kind of attitude.
I try to acknowledge that feelings are transient entities; more transient than my enduring life. As such, the feeling that consumes me at any given t may escape me at t'. I have cleared my calendar for this evening. I suppose this counts as having 'the rest of the evening off'. I am considering what I can do with the rest of my day. My routine is that I am normally laying in bed by 7-9pm and then actually asleep at any time from 2am.
I think that tonight I may try something different. Perhaps I may write poetry. Perhaps I might write all of those blog posts that I have been meaning to write but never do; perhaps I might write in this blog all evening exploring all the dimentions of thought and emotion that I do not explore in my conscious thoughts during the day, that is, those thoughts that I suppress in order to continue with my life.
I think what I will do is:
i. Play piano downstairs when the room is free
ii (until i. can happen), write a post about 'thought suppression'.
End post
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