This weekend comprised of two days, a fairly active day and a lazy day.
Saturday (active day), I got up to some of my scheduled activities, in addition, I was invited by some old friends to go to the cinema, I decided to go on a whim. It costed me £15 for a movie and a hot dog. Most expensive hot dog ever. It was a fairly short excursion, I met up with a guy from sixth form and secondary school whom I had not been in any contact with for 5 years. It was good to see him again. Laughter ensued.
Sunday (lazy day), I started with the now established ritual of training in the morning with my friend. What really happened this time was that I got to the place at 10am as planned, then did some jogging in anticipation for him, and eventually wore myself out. My training partner, whom I had been with last night, had done a workout already and 45 minutes late. WE managed about 15 minutes of excercise before we called it a day. I ran out of steam.
After getting back home from training, I was approached by a weird drunk guy who wanted to make conversation. I didn't. My mum wanted me to look over her roast dinner. I ended up managing it as well as preparing it on the table. We had a proper english sunday dinner. Later on, a family relative whom I had not met in about a decade, came over to visit. I was upstairs watching streaming tv. I went down for some second helpings of roast, although we had eaten most of it (a successful roast in my opinion, when its all gobbled up). As I went down and microwaved the food, I heard a disgusting story about an old man who used to be present in my family friend circle when my older siblings were children. He apparently talks a great deal about sex and it is to the point of being harassing so she threatened to put an injunction to him calling her about all these sexual issues. The man is married and it sounds very fucked up.
She kept saying to me "Don't get married before I do!". I thought that amusing, as she still has not changed. Many spinsters my mother had known. Spinsters and bachelors who are my parents age, from the generation of my parents; appear eccentric and unwelcome to the structure established by my christendom influenced heterosexual monogamous family. My ex would have found it difficult to fit in, but I would have carried her through.
I had a disturbing nightmare about my ex. The nightmare was that she would ask me to get back together with her and we would live happily ever after. It was sweet and cherishable and wonderful. Waking up was the terror. It was impossible, it was unreasonable, it ignored all that took place before. It was a fantasy that could never be, a dessert gone horribly sour. The dream gripped me in blighted despair for a few minutes, I pretended that it did not happen and got on with my day, with my life.
I have been thinking recently, of the possibility of getting a social life again, or some semblance of personality and leisurely pursuit. Everything in my life seems to be integreated right now. Jogging, piano, guitar; these seem to be rationalised tasks of procrastination. Procrastination tasks are seen as things to gel the gears forward of trying to find a job.
I have had some fun, but it is not the summer feeling of having no boundaries of time constricting me. This is not the weekend in sixth form where I was adult, schoolboy and teenager in this weird concoction of temporary freedom. This freedom I have, of being unemployed is like staying awake in a long day without recourse to sleep. It is the eternal insomnia of facing a computer screen as my only source of human contact and life. Otherwise I would be completely alone and poverty stricken.
Tomorrow is another day, tomorrow is a chance of possibilities, a chance of oppurtunities, and a chance of personal improvment, growth and constant change.
I have internalised the mantra of positivity and in order to sustain it, I have stretched it to cold heartless dispassionate moral imperatives. I suppose I maintain optimism if I hold to this positivity, but maintaining motivation is a matter of conserving energies and emotions, staying calm, stoic and dispassionate (as much as possible) to maintain stability, consistency, motivation and hope.
I feel like the failures of life have scarred me inside. I have faced a few despairs and hopeless moments to have taken a few coats off my otherwise young and shining mind. I am being ground down. As a means of fighting this tendency to destruction, I keep going, with all the strength inside me, which means I keep reserves anticipating that this is a long haul.
Here's to hope ..
Saturday (active day), I got up to some of my scheduled activities, in addition, I was invited by some old friends to go to the cinema, I decided to go on a whim. It costed me £15 for a movie and a hot dog. Most expensive hot dog ever. It was a fairly short excursion, I met up with a guy from sixth form and secondary school whom I had not been in any contact with for 5 years. It was good to see him again. Laughter ensued.
Sunday (lazy day), I started with the now established ritual of training in the morning with my friend. What really happened this time was that I got to the place at 10am as planned, then did some jogging in anticipation for him, and eventually wore myself out. My training partner, whom I had been with last night, had done a workout already and 45 minutes late. WE managed about 15 minutes of excercise before we called it a day. I ran out of steam.
After getting back home from training, I was approached by a weird drunk guy who wanted to make conversation. I didn't. My mum wanted me to look over her roast dinner. I ended up managing it as well as preparing it on the table. We had a proper english sunday dinner. Later on, a family relative whom I had not met in about a decade, came over to visit. I was upstairs watching streaming tv. I went down for some second helpings of roast, although we had eaten most of it (a successful roast in my opinion, when its all gobbled up). As I went down and microwaved the food, I heard a disgusting story about an old man who used to be present in my family friend circle when my older siblings were children. He apparently talks a great deal about sex and it is to the point of being harassing so she threatened to put an injunction to him calling her about all these sexual issues. The man is married and it sounds very fucked up.
She kept saying to me "Don't get married before I do!". I thought that amusing, as she still has not changed. Many spinsters my mother had known. Spinsters and bachelors who are my parents age, from the generation of my parents; appear eccentric and unwelcome to the structure established by my christendom influenced heterosexual monogamous family. My ex would have found it difficult to fit in, but I would have carried her through.
I had a disturbing nightmare about my ex. The nightmare was that she would ask me to get back together with her and we would live happily ever after. It was sweet and cherishable and wonderful. Waking up was the terror. It was impossible, it was unreasonable, it ignored all that took place before. It was a fantasy that could never be, a dessert gone horribly sour. The dream gripped me in blighted despair for a few minutes, I pretended that it did not happen and got on with my day, with my life.
I have been thinking recently, of the possibility of getting a social life again, or some semblance of personality and leisurely pursuit. Everything in my life seems to be integreated right now. Jogging, piano, guitar; these seem to be rationalised tasks of procrastination. Procrastination tasks are seen as things to gel the gears forward of trying to find a job.
I have had some fun, but it is not the summer feeling of having no boundaries of time constricting me. This is not the weekend in sixth form where I was adult, schoolboy and teenager in this weird concoction of temporary freedom. This freedom I have, of being unemployed is like staying awake in a long day without recourse to sleep. It is the eternal insomnia of facing a computer screen as my only source of human contact and life. Otherwise I would be completely alone and poverty stricken.
Tomorrow is another day, tomorrow is a chance of possibilities, a chance of oppurtunities, and a chance of personal improvment, growth and constant change.
I have internalised the mantra of positivity and in order to sustain it, I have stretched it to cold heartless dispassionate moral imperatives. I suppose I maintain optimism if I hold to this positivity, but maintaining motivation is a matter of conserving energies and emotions, staying calm, stoic and dispassionate (as much as possible) to maintain stability, consistency, motivation and hope.
I feel like the failures of life have scarred me inside. I have faced a few despairs and hopeless moments to have taken a few coats off my otherwise young and shining mind. I am being ground down. As a means of fighting this tendency to destruction, I keep going, with all the strength inside me, which means I keep reserves anticipating that this is a long haul.
Here's to hope ..
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