I think that I'm having triggers again. As such, I shall try to record the exact time when it happens.
13:15 I estimate.
From about 13:07 I was looking up some details about my job seeker's allowance and the help that the job centre can give. The job centre is a place of degredation and despair. It is like lidl. I suppose it would be, they have the same kinds of people; the unemployed, the thrifty, economy's losers, my parents trying to save money, ethinic minorities and eastern europeans, chavs, and the broken spirited.
My trigger is that I had my job seeker's allowance claim rejected. I notice this as my bank balance is going down and I have no incoming money, not even from benefits. I wish I could say I was living on the dole as at least I'd have some bloody money coming in!
I was also looking for some financial support for the course I was hoping to apply for. I then was looking if I could have my benefits claim investigated; it is past the time in which I shuld have replied to ask for it, so that seems to mean I can't get it further investigated. On top of that, it seems like in the job centre, everyone wants to defer you to someone else. They say they want to help but they 'cant discuss personal claims', or 'that isn't their mandate' or 'it isn't done in this branch', or 'the postal system is complicated here so you have to go there in person'. I'm then flashed with images, memories:
1. Ex girlfriend telling me to get a shit job, just any job
2. Ex girlfriend pushing me to tears to force me to speak my mind when I do not wish to
3. Ex girlfriend breaking up with me
4. Being in the job centre, trying so hard to hold back my tears. everyone sitting on those posh, colourful sofas, silent and despairing. I see a lot of overweight women, non-white people, people who probably don't know english, people who have small beautiful adorable children, women who look quite fuckable but when they speak they have a potty mouth.
5. The feeling of life crashing down, as I sit in the job centre, waiting to be called or for an appointment; the feeling of moral degredation and my hopes and aspirations thrown to the ground and destroyed. As if I am presented with a beautiful field, but I cannot run to it or explore it, because I am in a glass cage.
The feeling of all the hopes and aspirations of my life, all the things that make me unique, special and loved by my ex girlfriend destryoed as I am flung into the commonality of sitting on this colourful sofa with a fat woman with ugly cracked feet peeking through her sandals next to me, as I breathe through my mouth so as not to inhale and smell her horrible body odour. I feel Like I am shouting as I type this as my rage at my situation remains undexpresed over all these weeks and months. Why I must hold back this rage and sense of hatred is because I deserve it. I deserve this situation I was put in because I didn't get into a PhD, I didn't look for jobs early enough, I didn't work hard enough for my MA studies, I fucked around during my postgraduate year chasing a hopelessly depressed girl out of sexual attraction and my understanding of her despair. I thought I was being a good and noble person doing anything for her even if she didn't ask for it, now I am without the love ofm y life and not even allowed to have benefits.
I am going to that blasted job centre every fortnight for money I am not recieving, I am sitting among the scum of the earth because I made this situation, I am not even being paid the tithe of £50 a week to live among them. I am alone and I have no one to talk to. I am falling in to this pit of despair, and I realise that I have a choice not to fall in if I follow subtle cues and not to indulge in this overwhelming tendency and sense of listlessness.
I am on the verge of insanity and loss and destruction, but it does not yet control me. I face the jaws of the beast, and although it is still undetermined if he will eat me, I face it, stare at it, and find it difficult to glare at him with my jaws, as if to say: I AM FIGHTING BACK.
This is a war not won with strong feelings, for strong feelings put me in this blasted mess. I must win with stoicism and good old determination.
I feel better writing this post.
13:15 I estimate.
From about 13:07 I was looking up some details about my job seeker's allowance and the help that the job centre can give. The job centre is a place of degredation and despair. It is like lidl. I suppose it would be, they have the same kinds of people; the unemployed, the thrifty, economy's losers, my parents trying to save money, ethinic minorities and eastern europeans, chavs, and the broken spirited.
My trigger is that I had my job seeker's allowance claim rejected. I notice this as my bank balance is going down and I have no incoming money, not even from benefits. I wish I could say I was living on the dole as at least I'd have some bloody money coming in!
I was also looking for some financial support for the course I was hoping to apply for. I then was looking if I could have my benefits claim investigated; it is past the time in which I shuld have replied to ask for it, so that seems to mean I can't get it further investigated. On top of that, it seems like in the job centre, everyone wants to defer you to someone else. They say they want to help but they 'cant discuss personal claims', or 'that isn't their mandate' or 'it isn't done in this branch', or 'the postal system is complicated here so you have to go there in person'. I'm then flashed with images, memories:
1. Ex girlfriend telling me to get a shit job, just any job
2. Ex girlfriend pushing me to tears to force me to speak my mind when I do not wish to
3. Ex girlfriend breaking up with me
4. Being in the job centre, trying so hard to hold back my tears. everyone sitting on those posh, colourful sofas, silent and despairing. I see a lot of overweight women, non-white people, people who probably don't know english, people who have small beautiful adorable children, women who look quite fuckable but when they speak they have a potty mouth.
5. The feeling of life crashing down, as I sit in the job centre, waiting to be called or for an appointment; the feeling of moral degredation and my hopes and aspirations thrown to the ground and destroyed. As if I am presented with a beautiful field, but I cannot run to it or explore it, because I am in a glass cage.
The feeling of all the hopes and aspirations of my life, all the things that make me unique, special and loved by my ex girlfriend destryoed as I am flung into the commonality of sitting on this colourful sofa with a fat woman with ugly cracked feet peeking through her sandals next to me, as I breathe through my mouth so as not to inhale and smell her horrible body odour. I feel Like I am shouting as I type this as my rage at my situation remains undexpresed over all these weeks and months. Why I must hold back this rage and sense of hatred is because I deserve it. I deserve this situation I was put in because I didn't get into a PhD, I didn't look for jobs early enough, I didn't work hard enough for my MA studies, I fucked around during my postgraduate year chasing a hopelessly depressed girl out of sexual attraction and my understanding of her despair. I thought I was being a good and noble person doing anything for her even if she didn't ask for it, now I am without the love ofm y life and not even allowed to have benefits.
I am going to that blasted job centre every fortnight for money I am not recieving, I am sitting among the scum of the earth because I made this situation, I am not even being paid the tithe of £50 a week to live among them. I am alone and I have no one to talk to. I am falling in to this pit of despair, and I realise that I have a choice not to fall in if I follow subtle cues and not to indulge in this overwhelming tendency and sense of listlessness.
I am on the verge of insanity and loss and destruction, but it does not yet control me. I face the jaws of the beast, and although it is still undetermined if he will eat me, I face it, stare at it, and find it difficult to glare at him with my jaws, as if to say: I AM FIGHTING BACK.
This is a war not won with strong feelings, for strong feelings put me in this blasted mess. I must win with stoicism and good old determination.
I feel better writing this post.
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