I have been having a lot of thoughts. I've not written them on this blog. I keep thinking that I will write it but it feels like holding water that slips through my fingers as soon as I hold it. I think that some of the thoughts I have been having I should dare not repeat. I am afraid of entering a dark place.
I am afraid of regressing into my past depression. My ex girlfriend di a lot to heal my and my broken mind. Now that she is gone, life is presenting me with a challenge. My sense of isolation brings me down. My penis is very sore from being wanked too much. I am starting to have 'triggers', again, I think.
On the plus side, I have had lots to think about and lots to keep me busy. Yesterday I spent my time doing some chest presses and it really pulverises my arms. It makes me feel so exhausted and takes so much strength out of my arms that I feel an emotional draining as I do it. I feel this physical and emotional synchronising of my low, drained, empty feeling. It is when my body and my emotions meet and express each other together. Insomnia, I find, is when either my body is too active and my mind is dulled; or vice versa.
I have been desperate to look for people to talk to online. Old friends, online friends, etc. I am feeling so terribly lonely that I have a need to share my feelings with someone, find someone to console my situation, ask for their advice and lay off all these feelings I have.
I do not know if I am winning this fight. I think I am because I do not feel I am losing. However, the alternative to losing is an open plain, and winning isn't the only option.
I am afraid of regressing into my past depression. My ex girlfriend di a lot to heal my and my broken mind. Now that she is gone, life is presenting me with a challenge. My sense of isolation brings me down. My penis is very sore from being wanked too much. I am starting to have 'triggers', again, I think.
On the plus side, I have had lots to think about and lots to keep me busy. Yesterday I spent my time doing some chest presses and it really pulverises my arms. It makes me feel so exhausted and takes so much strength out of my arms that I feel an emotional draining as I do it. I feel this physical and emotional synchronising of my low, drained, empty feeling. It is when my body and my emotions meet and express each other together. Insomnia, I find, is when either my body is too active and my mind is dulled; or vice versa.
I have been desperate to look for people to talk to online. Old friends, online friends, etc. I am feeling so terribly lonely that I have a need to share my feelings with someone, find someone to console my situation, ask for their advice and lay off all these feelings I have.
I do not know if I am winning this fight. I think I am because I do not feel I am losing. However, the alternative to losing is an open plain, and winning isn't the only option.
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