The small step forward

This week I think that I shall acknowledge a small step forward in what is the pessimism of my life. I have recieved two messages from nice girls on social networking sites. Although in a sense they have similarities to my ex; I acknowledge that they may not be looking for anything serious and they like me because they find me in some part physically attractive.

The other thing I am ashamed to admit is that they are looking at pictures from my bulimia phase. People seemed to think I was sexier when I was bulimic. That very thought is a temptation to revert back. In other news this week, I have been upping my training regime, and last week I did (as it was noted), 135 minutes, on wednesday I did light training with my buddies which lasted 45 minutes, which included a .5 k sprint and my new personal best of 75 situps. Just now I have come back from shouting at my dad for his slothful nature, as well as reflecting negatively on my own sloth.

I am angry at my dad for being so lazy, more angry at him, I am angry at myself for his laziness affecting me. I want to be the better person and encourage him to be a better person. It is challenging as my dad is a stubborn man. I hate the realisation that my da is very much the flawed person which reflects that I am also similarly flawed. I want to improve, and its difficult. My training session today included some chest presses, about 35 situps and 5 laps around the marsh. I haven't calculated the distance exactly but I suspect that the distance is 5k.

I am now warming down. I feel that I am less articulate in the expression of my thoughts. I am not posting as much, and I feel like I could get to writing something creative, prose or poetic. I need to fit it into my schedule. I have found my schedule to be quite daunting. A single day lasts longer than a single unit of time that it should be. It feels like a phase, I feel that a lot of time has passed since I have been beyond the socailly acceptable answer of 'what do you do?'.

I feel like deep down I want to emotionally invst and put my bets on those two girls who messaged me on the social networking site. I feel desperate to be loved and to be wanted again. Last night I allowed myself to reminisce little things about being in a relationship. I felt a bit in control unlike the trigger of the friday previous (when I ate takeaway chinese). It is still distressing to remember the fondness of being loved and having someone to love. The crazy girl (I think I named her Helen in a previous post) called me at 9pm last night, essentially saying nothing at all but wanting someone to talk to. I felt distant, like the boy I used to be, inadequate and twiddling one's thumbs. The crazy girl was saying how she was networking with other girls who were victims of this particular sexual offence that she ws, and she was going to help them (explicitly with the caveat that they would promise to help her in return).

I remember this girl at university. I told her that I had a breakup which was related to why I was living with my parents. The girl then said how she relates to how I feel, she once had a boyfriend at uni for 5 weeks and then they split up after they graduated. I wanted to say quite bluntly: "NO, I don't think it is the same to compare your relationship of 5 weeks to my 2 year ordeal".

I have sent off more applications and I did wake up earlier than my poor record of 11am. I feel like I have my feelings more under control and a friend of mine who I talk to online said that she allows herself a specficit amount of time in the day to feel down, and then gets back to her routine. After hearing that note of assurance. I have allocated times for myself to allow all those thoughts to air; those thoughts that I give suppression in order to survive life.

seeing the end of the tunnel

I feel life may be betting better, that the more applications and things that I apply for, the more seeds may flourish that I had sown. That there may be more oppurtunities and a possible way to survive this life is a thing that motivates me. Yesterday I entitled myself to a 'day off'. I went training with my two friends, the regular jogging buddy, and his brother, another good friend, who was over having a visit for two weeks.

I spent the rest of the day with them, we saw three films, ate some pizza and laughed a few times. Upon coming home, I found that I had gotten a message from a girl on OKcupid; she was also on a social networking site that a friend of mine had invited me on. I also was trawling about the website and met a girl who had similar music tastes to me, and wrote their profile in a way that anticipated it was meant for me.

I had gotten a message from the social networking site on Monday from another girl; she called me a pretty boy. The other girl yesterday called me "pretty, VERY pretty". The latterly girl, as I late r found, is in a relationship and loves him, but is non-monogamous. If I were to get closer to her, it would only be as a 'bit on the side'. It would be nice to have a friend with benefits (and I don't mean council tax or housing benefits). Being called 'pretty' 'cute', 'pretty boy' or 'beautiful boy' is perhaps the one only validation that I have in my low esteemed life. To end yesterday was on a low, however. I had noticed that my ex facebooked me and not only that, she also made some insinuating comment on my brother's wall that was flirtatious. That's really crossing the line, ex or not. I thought to myself, how shall I cope with this trigger? I reacted by doing something unconventional. I shut the lid of my laptop and lay in the complete dark, with nothing but silence and my thoughts. rarely do I leave myself to face my own thoughts and feelings, I always have myself half doing something else, or completely doing something else, so that I do not have a comprehensive apprehension of my feelings. I had found that constructive, not only that, I found it helps me not be so depressive.

I had a few moments of utter terror and despair that night. Not much can be said of it, other than, it has now passed.

Today, I had done quite a few things. I had worked enough to cover the GCal block that I had over the past 3 days. I had applied to a disability graduate scheme, a low paid job for a policy research body, and the Open university as a tutor. I've also been burning CDs and I do quite feel that I've gotten a fair bit done. Tomorrow I am scheduled to write a PhD proposal for an obscure european university. I'm looking forward to whatever the future holds. I do quite look forward to having a new girlfriend.

In other news, I got a call from the GP surgery, and they asked me to complete a survey befoer going to counselling. I hope this advances things on the front of trying to sort out going to counselling. i then had an anger trigger.

Anyhoo. tdoay is a good day. I slowly feel like I am a normal person, and an attractive boy :)

16:12 I think I'm allowed to be angry

I missed the train to get to the job centre.

I decided that I would go home and, since I'd be at the job centre tomorrow anyway, I would ask to go maybe tomorrow and sign in.

I went home, talked to my piano teacher, who used to teach me years ago but now teaches my mum. I then had a croissant, got annoyed by my dad. I need another box for all the CDs that I am scanning for him. My dad says there are no spare boxes in the shed, so I should get some. I felt a bit thrown, and offended by what he had said, it seemed audacious that he would tell me to go to a shop and ask for spare boxes. My dad said it in a manner as if it was question begging, you know, when someone asserts something as a question, or states a question as an assertion.

I felt that it was too much effort, most of all. Perhaps a part of my own laziness. I then felt a trigger, I was reminded of the time I went to ask for boxes in the little down where she used to live, so that she would move out and use those boxes to carry her things.

After eating the croissant, I went upstairs to call the job centre with the number that the person who i called from the number on my job centre sign in book. The sign in book says ' call number p' if you cant make the signing in. P says 'call number Q' . I called Q after croissants and feeling annoyed with my dad. Calling 'Q' was annoying, she called me 'honey' aned put me on hold, twice. She then concluded that I needed to call 'R' to arrange an interview. She then said 'why don't you come into the job centre now?'. I thought Okay, I might do that, and then she said 'oh wait...', she puts me on hold and says I need to call another number. just for that, I lost hope in bothering to go, the audacity that P told me to call Q who then says I need to call R. After calling R, my sense of self-worth, self-esteem and bothering with it pushing me to the limits of stoicism. If you are cruel, or think humour is appreciated here (which it is not), I called R, and guess what she told me?

Firstly she made me feel guilty that I couldn't sign in. In a sense she has a fair point, but all this P telling me to call Q who told me to call R. R then tells me to call S to arrange an interview.

I thought at that point that I would just give up. I give even bothering. This is causing me more upset than £50 a week is worth, furthermore. I AM NOT EVEN RECIEVING THAT MONEY.

I think that for the rest of today, I am just going to take it easy, take it slow, and maybe get drunk. This is just a bit too much for my sanity. I think I am more encouraged to write to my MP

13:56

I applied to be a primary school teacher on the GTTR

now to fill out my job centre sheet. Maybe I'll want afterwards, and then go to the job centre

13:26

Okay, I recieved two pieces of mail.

One is from UCAS, confirming my GTTR application (basically, I'm applying to be a teacher)

I have decided to add another application on the list, because it says I can; I want to apply to be a primary school teacher and I understand that I can amend (add) to the application

The other letter said it was from the NHS, I was excited, anticipating that I was going to get a letter about counselling. I am still waiting on that one. It was a letter which I suppose was also important, my ophamology appointment is put forward by 3 days. I guess thats not one I should ignore. It has been a long time since I went to the GP asking about the counselling. Why haven't they replied to me, when I have gotten not only a GP phone call but two letters regarding the eye. Fuck seeing, I want counselling!

Anyway. I am quite pleased, not just because I got mail (the postalworkers may have another strike), but also because I feel that I am advancing things and moving things forward, not ust for my long term eye condition, but in terms of looking for a job.

Oh yeah, and I GOT AN INTERVIEW OFFER! booya! It's for an internship.

13:18

JSA application complete. I have to go to another meeting at the job centre for basically something i've already been to already, which in a sense, sounds redundant, it makes me feel reluctant to go to the Job Centre today to sign on, as I will be told things which is basically a repeat of what I am doing now!

At least, however, I am now having my JSA application reconsidered and things will be moved forward. yay

Now for the next post, which I want to write :)

12:47

I am now making a new claim for jobseekers' allowance. I hope that this does not mean that I will have to work-focused interview again. I suspect that it will. Starting from scratch would be a benefit. I called, with some success, the 0800 number voice recognition finally understood me and referred me to someone with whom I shall make a JSA application. The lady on the phone asked to call me back as the phone call is going to be long.

As I was writing this post, I got called back, I am now finishing the post and writing the next one of what happened

12:30

I have just called the number that the local job centre had given me. It was an automated telephone thing. It was a voice that asked me where to dial and go. In addition, they had asked me to give them my postcode in order to direct me yet again to where I can ask about my claim (I feared then, that I'd be led in a circle). This thought made me stoically frustrated.

The automated voice could not recognise me telling her her postcode. After 3 attempts, she then said. I'm sorry I could not hear that; please call the number I have just mentioned to find further help. (end call)

You did not miss anything, but perhaps I did, namely, what number? I asked for help, being directed to the job centre. I then was led to call an 0800 number, which then apparently led me to a number, after not understanding when I told the voice my postcode, she then say something which seems almost irrelevant. Now that I have paused for 9 minutes to write this post and keep some composure, I am going to attempt to call this 0800 number again.

I feel awfully frustrated, at myself for not having a job, at life for turning out this way, at the government for this whole recession, and most of all, at bureaucracies and a world that is fake. I am down to £268. I'm FUCKED.

My alternatives:

1. Citizen's advice bureau
2. Writing to a local MP (shit...that's desperate)

12:19

I called the job centre just now, and they seemed to not be entirely helpful.

I called to ask about my jobseekers allowance. I asked particularly if I may still be eligible to recieve financial support. I feel so terribly frustrated. My money is going down, considering all the money I need for the oyster card, or just general living. I hate my mum's inferior fatty cooking that does no favours for my diet, and yet she has the audacity to tell me to eat healthy. I am powerless.

The person who answered my call from the jobcentre took about 10 rings to answer. In addition, she seemed to be direct, basically a: what do you want? tell me so I can tell you were to go

No one seems to want to deal with me, no one wants to seem to help, all they want to do is direct me somewhere else. It is like some plumbing system. I never end up anywhere, I'm on a pipe, directed to another pipe. Moving constantly for someon to help or understand or listen, but I just seem to be led on to another pipe, or asked to wait. Please reader, tell me if this is unreasonable, tell me if this is not unreasonable to consider this dehumanising.

This is all because I can't get a job. I'm angry with myself.

135 minutes

Every sunday I go training. I set myself the target of 75 minutes (one hour fifteen minutes). I lasted 135 minutes. I pushed myself for a lot of reasons:

1. Self discovery
2. There were pretty girls in the park
3. The feeling of distress that I could not express

I felt like I could re form who I am, who I was, and most importantly, who I will be, if I went the proverbial second mile. If I went further and harder, pushed myself more and more, challenge and push my limits. Push harder, and harder, and harder. Most times I go out to train I am quite aware that either I feel too weak to continue, or some other kind of mental block. I did not feel the block today nor did I make any excuse. I think that the biggest reason I do not go further on weekdays is because I schedule a jog in between tasks and I feel those tasks heavier on my head. After this revelation, i realise that I do not think that I can do this kind of long jog very much.

On the plus side, I think that this must mean that I have moved a step forward. It also means that this naive and virginal effort must be maintained in order to either break even or push harder. This will be a most interesting prospect.

1999, and other nostalgia

Today, I have been putting CDs from their physical format into a hard disk drive, this is a scheme I have to box up all of my dad's compact discs to pave the way for my book collection, which is presently in the shed. I have been, since Friday, sitting in front of my computer, putting in CDs, burning and waiting for the next one. It led me to some interesting memories of the past decade.

When 1999 happened, I was 13, I was a post-prepubescent during the millennium, in the dawn of the next decade, I am still in a teen like state, being dependent on my parents financially and in all other respects. I am still in the womb, with the umbilical cord very well attached to me. I remembered some things today:

1. Star wars episode 1: it was on today, I was reminded of the excitement and later lack of excitement of the film, and the consequent film. It reflected how dreary my life was during the period up to when I did my GCSEs, it was a comfortable time with merchandise, star wars novels, and geeky friends in an all boys school. In a sense, a comfort space. I wasn't particularly academic back then, nor did I have any real focus in my life. I thought that, considering the only thing I was good at was the piano; I would be a virtuoso pianist. I worked hard towards that assumption. After a dreadful performance at the age of 16, I slowly came to accept that dream would not happen. After that, I had depression. When I say it like that, it almost seems like there is a causal linke. Perhaps this is my epiphany for today

2. While the late 90s/early 00s were dreary, the time before that characterised my growing up. The space between 2005 to now is almost linear; I remember everything. Between 1998-2004 was like a honeysuckle rosey eyed memory. The period between 1993-1998 is almost like a decade in my adult years in terms of how I mentally and emotionally developed as a person. It seems that the more time passes, the less I seem to be achieving and growing in my life. I'm stuck, and I'm in the exact position that I would hate myself being in. I am reading lots of audiobooks and listening to a lot of music, as well as training almost every other day. Tomorrow I am going training again. I think I need to revise my New years resolutions for 2010.

3. New discoveries: My ex introduced me to lots of interesting music: selecter, trojan records (a label), aphex twin. She is the same age as my brother (more or less) and she represented a different strata of teenager due to her different background. In some ways, a big part of her still lives in me, contrast that to the feeling that a part of me has died by losing her. Also, my parents CD collection surprisingly includes a fair bit of reggae and 90s acid house, not to mention, a few heavy metal/hard rock gems.

4. Trigger: I had a big trigger last night. Ex called me last night, she said this guy who she 'loves' is in the house. She ended the call prematurely because she is spending more time with him. she is cutting me out. I hate it. I also hate the thought of that 56 year old man having sex with MY GIRLFRIEND. she isn't my girlfriend though. She fucked him even when we were together. Oh wait, I'm trying to make myself feel better, not worse. I'm not sure how to cope with this.

Now: moving forward

i have to move into a new me. Become someone diferent, become someone more sunday times, more amicable towards the free cd and book that comes with the sunday papers. more sunday roast. more london. more graduate. more employable. more money oriented. more conformed. more acceptable. more accessible.

I may be compromising. but the alternative is quite unbearable. I am just as scared as success and change as I am continuing this limbo. I must see this situation as a transition, and one that will end soon. I must see this period of limbo is close to ending. Once I have that attitude, once I see the light at the end of the tunnel, I will run and grab the oppurtunity.

In other news. I kind of want a girlfriend. Partly to spite, partly to rebound, partly to fuck, partly to talk to, partly to cuddle, partly to love, partly to have a life, partly to be acceptabeld and accepted, partly to move on.

I feel uncertain. I fill my thoughts, whether good or bad, with actions. I just keep acting, keep expiring my energy, effort and concentration on tasks. Today, I spent about 10-11 hours ripping CDs. I almost want to say it was a waste of a day. I am slightly angry that my dad has not done anything to contribute to what he said he would do.

Sobering reflections

Last night I felt some weird sense of euphoria. I kind of wished that I was bipolar, on account of the mania being (apparently) quite joyful. I was imaginging it was christmas, well not literally, but in terms of the feeling of excitement and resource abundance.

Today I have more sobering reflections. I woke up with a variant of that bad nightmare about my ex, again. It significantly upsets me when I wake up, it upsets me as the first thought I have when I wake up. I really need to keep in focus and get more perspective on issues.

Two reflections I have had:

1. Christmas is going to be a challenge this year. I have almost no money. Pub priviledges should really go out the window. My social life is a non-existent thing with no money.
2. Christmas is going to be a challenge in terms of the obligation to make and give presents. Last year i had bank of mum and dad bailing me out as if I were Lloyds TSB. This year I have no ingoings and my dental fees have raped me quite significantly. How the hell am I going to give presents to all the people I love during the holiday period, when I can't even afford to have a life of my own? I shall be resourceful. I think that I will make presents, but in doing so, I will need to get it all sorted in advance of Christmas day.
3. My dad is a very flawed person. In a very disturbing way, he exhibits all the things I hate about myself. I criticise him often aware that his flaws and weaknesses are ones that blight my life. I wish he was less lazy and willing to change. It reflects badly on me as his genetic son, and in terms of how I can see my own progress. I wish that my dad would congratulate me more, or say that he is proud. When I was awarded my Masters, I did not get the kudos that I deserved, not because they didn't congratulate me, but because I decided that I did not deserve it. Failing to get into the PhD is suffering. A big blow to my ego the likes I may hope not to see again. I am tired, fatigued, sarred by life. I have lost my fresh coat of polish

can i cry yet?

Today, I got up at a late 10am. I managed to get out of bed earlier than usual at a nice 10:30. Most of the tasks today were short, and I got almost all of them done (and then some) in the space of 2 hours. I spent some of the later time at midday watching the day today on youtube, and then a sudden fatigue consumed me. I fell asleep for 3 or so hours. I then got up, hoping my parents didnt find me asleep. I felt guilty that I fell asleep, more so because I would find it difficult to sleep tonight.

I allowed myself the rest of the day off, however, from 6:30pm I decided to start ripping all the cds from my dad's collection. Throughout the day, since the snooze, I felt a headache, and later on, this weird euphoria, a feeling 'as if it was christmas'. Im not sure how to explain this feeling, but i felt like a mindset comparable to the lovelyness of christmas and seeing everyone again, a sense of timeless joy and abundance of food and happiness that comes during the holiday period. After a few hours of scanning CDs, this feeling had worn off and now I feel a bit low.

I miss my ex, I miss all the different people she had been in the past that made her the person I knew; the precocious teenager, the partying early adult, the new age goddess she later became, and the caring mother. I miss her. I love her, I always will. I also feel worthless and terribly isolated. I feel like everyone is having a successful time in life and here I am, burnt out and I need to justify my existence.

Am I allowed to feel sad? I'll get stuff done tomorrow.

I miss having someone to properly talk to. Someone please love me.

postal stricken

lately there has been at least two postal strikes that I have been aware of. On the positive side I am at least still getting mail delivered to me. I have hade some disappointments with the mail service lately. These incldue:

1. Back in august I applied to a PhD. I sent off my reference letters to my referees, where i carried a bit of doubt about sending those letters. It as the last month of my living in that flat, and I based the decision of when to leave upon when I wuold expet the letter to come back. Knowing that the letter never even reached them, because of the post office being cocks, I would have left earlier.

This makes me think that I would have broken up with my girlfriend either earlier, or things would have turned out differently, and perhaps I still would be with her. I type right now that it isn't a good idea to think about such possibilities, to think about what could have been. But as I type these words I feel that my heart is lying to my fingers. I cannot but imagine if we were still together.

2. A job application I had given did not get to the employer on time. this is fucked up

3. I am waiting on a letter from the NHS or more specifically, a confirmation/appointment for counselling sessions. I seriously hope that I can have this organised soon. I am quite looking forward to going to counselling, because it would be a positive impact on me and I am ready to accept professional help. I think I am a different person now. I realise that as I compary myself now to the person I used to be when I was living in the flat that I had just moved out of, and the time I went into the nuthouse (I realised yesterday, or was reminded, that the anniversary is coming up soon)

Achievements of today

Today, I have achieved the following (as of midday):

1. Applied to internship with think tank
2. Finished off GTTR application
3. Recieved 2nd book for book review
4. Gotten a notification that a girl i thought was ultra sexy on a social dating site put me on her favourites list
5. Registered for prospects virtual online careers fair

Not bad for waking up at 10:30 am, feeling shit and masturbating my day away.

I hope to keep up this pace for at least another 3 hours today.

Thought suppression

I believe in the values of the enlightenment. This involves:

1. Freedom of expression (within certain limitations, what these are do not matter right now)
2. An approach that maintains that any topic is not off the boundaries of acceptable conversation: be it sex, politics, religious metaphysics, or social issues.
3. Criticism is not only important for the functioning of social bodies, but necessary.

I thoguht it was good to embody those values in the conduct of my thought. But this led to an undisciplined version of me. I followed thoughts on a whim, and delved into the darkest and deepest of my mind. I led myself without any boundary to making myself feel upset, and I did not focus my thoughts. One you are at one place, it means you are not at another. So, when I was laying in my bed, crying masturbating, daydreaming of marie and when things would get better, fantasising about what kind of man she would ilke me to be, or what kind of person I had to be to get her attention; I was not studying, applying for PhDs, sitting at the library doing the hard slog, reading journals, writing draft essays, or planning the  day on a schedule that was reasonable to work in.

I'm not sure exactly when it was, but I estimate it to be some time around March or April of this year; when I decided to establish a schedule. At first the schedule had problems and at some weeks I just ignored it; leaving me even less inclined to obey the schedule, as I was worried of the stuff I haven't done already, and ignoring it seemed to be the only way out of not worrying about it.

I put things off too much. I left things in the air, unresolved, unattended, and I still have that problem. I think that in terms of the flaws that people have as characters, they stay there forever. But it is up to the habitual learner to overcome them through ritual, through suppression and practice.

I am a slothful person, to react to that, I push myself further (sometimes), and I am hard on myself (sometimes)
I am disorganised, so I make a calendar in order to work on it
I am forgetful, so the calendar reminds me of all the tasks in the day, and allows me to set future tasks.
I have poor physical hygiene, so I routinely set the task of grooming myself; this involves scrubbing my feet every three weeks; shaving every day, and tidying up my bed every morning. I also have set myself (as of yesterday, and to the request of my dentist) brushing my teeth twice a day.

After this practice of routine behaviour, I have eventually found that the routine becomes self-perpetuating, my teeth and shaving habits have improved, and my bed is tidy. I am always finding new flaws to expose and improve upon. Although I do not like criticism, it normally takes a major transgression on my part to expose a flaw.

I have thus decided, as a way to cope with life, to religiously follow the routines and rituals that I have set myself; it is order that maintains civility and humanity. Without order, I become who I used to be, fat, untidy, slothful, unsuccessful, a failure.

Not to say that I am not those things anymore but I shouldlike to think that I am not contributing towards my flaws anymore. I think it is like waxing. I am taking out the culmination of those things that my flaws have created, and hopefully, eventually, through the rituals, I will strike at a few roots and get less of those hairy problems and flaws arising, so long as I maintain this self-critical and self-improving routine.

As an aside, I am quite unhappy with my shoulder and back hair. I need someone to wax me, I can only go so far waxing on my own. I hope all of the roots are eradicated by waxing... (non figuratively speaking)

Start as You Mean to Go On

I am currently listening to aphex twin, as evidenced by the title of my post.

Today I woke up around a quarter to 11, I spent about a half hour masturbating or mas-crastination. After sitting myself up, I thought to myself: "what the hell am I doing! Why didn't I force myself up earlier!". It so happened that I woke up earlier, at 8am, which is the time that I set myself every morning. I had some weird dream that I cannot remember any detail of, but later on in the dream I heard a loud alarm like sound, like a klaxon, repeating. My dream began to fade as I entered wakefulness and then I discovered that it was my phone alarm.

I decided to lie in, I thought to myself that I would just lay in bed for a little longer until I felt stronger and more able to get up. This is the common deception of waking up. When I did get up later, it was nearly 11 am! I began the day slowly, by putting my laptop on my chest, playing mafia wars on facebook and then masturbating. Once I had got my head on my shoulders, I decided to brush my teeth (I think I did, right?) but not shave. I am considering a beard presently. It is nice to look different ater all. I normally set myself a principled "one beard a year" and given that I have not really held to that since february 2008, I can still pull one off before the decade ends.

Today, according to google calendar, I have been going through a few graduate job sites, I have also put a CV on a publishing recruitment site, and I had a jog. I also did some reading tasks and rescheduled some of my days. I did not jog very far today, I barely did one lap of my normal route. I did inflict some pain on my legs and worked up a sweat. I did about 5 minutes of situps but not the chest and arm excercises as there was an asian man who was hogging up BOTH of the machines. It is one thing to be using a single machine and I will respect that they are entitled to using it, but to put their fleece over the other machine, as if to indicate that its already taken is unacceptable.

The logo on my base layer is fading/peeling. I suppose that means it has been through a few washes and a few good uses.

Yesterday I was following up some medical issues. I have been waiting on the letter to confirm and arrange an appointment for counselling. I had recieved a couple of calls from the health centre. Upon calling them, they claimed not to know why they were calling me. I would have previously found this a frustration but I stoically accepted this situation and hope to wait for a letter to come in the post. For me, pushing this counselling plan forward is overall putting my life forward in how I advance in it.

Lady GaGa was born on the same year as me, Little Boots (Victoria Hesketh) a year after me. Compared to that, I am a pathetic loser. Lady GaGa has probably the same musical education as me but proably more talent and confidence; Little Boots virtually did the same classes as me although that's not to say that I've done cultural studies as a degree. My motivation was low while jogging, and i have done a modest, but not terrible amount today. It is now past 5pm and the sun slowly sets on the day. Today is another day that has passed. I try to think less as I go through life and I avoid 'looking back' when I walk through life.

I have been considering lately about how to deal with triggers. I have had some triggering experiences from time to time over the past few days. One from the name of a star trek character sounding remarkably similar to the name of the guy my now ex wants to play the game with. I try to keep control by thinking of the triggers like buttons on a keyboard. I may have my finger over the key, but will I push down and let it take me over? That is my choice and I can choose not to let it affect me. It is a notion and a practice that takes a great deal of mental power and experience. I find myself having an awareness of those feelings, seeing the modalities that a response to those feelings may lead to, and  decide the uncertain path, not listening to those triggering thoughts.

Feelings are things that are frivolous, whimsical. A feeling comes at a whim; I may be angry, but eventually anger passes and fades in intensity. I was jogging today while listening to the Metallica song St. Anger, as I was, the associations of hate and anger that noramlly fill my blood with adrenaline were not as present. I felt no need or use for anger, I felt my power over anger reduced. What I did do is focus my concentration and attention on each next step I took, and the next, and the next. I jogged for about 750m with that kind of attitude.

I try to acknowledge that feelings are transient entities; more transient than my enduring life. As such, the feeling that consumes me at any given t may escape me at t'. I have cleared my calendar for this evening. I suppose this counts as having 'the rest of the evening off'. I am considering what I can do with the rest of my day. My routine is that I am normally laying in bed by 7-9pm and then actually asleep at any time from 2am.

I think that tonight I may try something different. Perhaps I may write poetry. Perhaps I might write all of those blog posts that I have been meaning to write but never do; perhaps I might write in this blog all evening exploring all the dimentions of thought and emotion that I do not explore in my conscious thoughts during the day, that is, those thoughts that I suppress in order to continue with my life.

I think what I will do is:

i. Play piano downstairs when the room is free
ii (until i. can happen), write a post about 'thought suppression'.

End post

Lazy day

This weekend comprised of two days, a fairly active day and a lazy day.

Saturday (active day), I got up to some of my scheduled activities, in addition, I was invited by some old friends to go to the cinema, I decided to go on a whim. It costed me £15 for a movie and a hot dog. Most expensive hot dog ever. It was a fairly short excursion, I met up with a guy from sixth form and secondary school whom I had not been in any contact with for 5 years. It was good to see him again. Laughter ensued.

Sunday (lazy day), I started with the now established ritual of training in the morning with my friend. What really happened this time was that I got to the place at 10am as planned, then did some jogging in anticipation for him, and eventually wore myself out. My training partner, whom I had been with last night, had done a workout already and 45 minutes late. WE managed about 15 minutes of excercise before we called it a day. I ran out of steam.

After getting back home from training, I was approached by a weird drunk guy who wanted to make conversation. I didn't. My mum wanted me to look over her roast dinner. I ended up managing it as well as preparing it on the table. We had a proper english sunday dinner. Later on, a family relative whom I had not met in about a decade, came over to visit. I was upstairs watching streaming tv. I went down for some second helpings of roast, although we had eaten most of it (a successful roast in my opinion, when its all gobbled up). As I went down and microwaved the food, I heard a disgusting story about an old man who used to be present in my family friend circle when my older siblings were children. He apparently talks a great deal about sex and it is to the point of being harassing so she threatened to put an injunction to him calling her about all these sexual issues. The man is married and it sounds very fucked up.

She kept saying to me "Don't get married before I do!". I thought that amusing, as she still has not changed. Many spinsters my mother had known. Spinsters and bachelors who are my parents age, from the generation of my parents; appear eccentric and unwelcome to the structure established by my christendom influenced heterosexual monogamous family. My ex would have found it difficult to fit in, but I would have carried her through.

I had a disturbing nightmare about my ex. The nightmare was that she would ask me to get back together with her and we would live happily ever after. It was sweet and cherishable and wonderful. Waking up was the terror. It was impossible, it was unreasonable, it ignored all that took place before. It was a fantasy that could never be, a dessert gone horribly sour. The dream gripped me in blighted despair for a few minutes, I pretended that it did not happen and got on with my day, with my life.

I have been thinking recently, of the possibility of getting a social life again, or some semblance of personality and leisurely pursuit. Everything in my life seems to be integreated right now. Jogging, piano, guitar; these seem to be rationalised tasks of procrastination. Procrastination tasks are seen as things to gel the gears forward of trying to find a job.

I have had some fun, but it is not the summer feeling of having no boundaries of time constricting me. This is not the weekend in sixth form where I was adult, schoolboy and teenager in this weird concoction of temporary freedom. This freedom I have, of being unemployed is like staying awake in a long day without recourse to sleep. It is the eternal insomnia of facing a computer screen as my only source of human contact and life. Otherwise I would be completely alone and poverty stricken.

Tomorrow is another day, tomorrow is a chance of possibilities, a chance of oppurtunities, and a chance of personal improvment, growth and constant change.

I have internalised the mantra of positivity and in order to sustain it, I have stretched it to cold heartless dispassionate moral imperatives. I suppose I maintain optimism if I hold to this positivity, but maintaining motivation is a matter of conserving energies and emotions, staying calm, stoic and dispassionate (as much as possible) to maintain stability, consistency, motivation and hope.

I feel like the failures of life have scarred me inside. I have faced a few despairs and hopeless moments to have taken a few coats off my otherwise young and shining mind. I am being ground down. As a means of fighting this tendency to destruction, I keep going, with all the strength inside me, which means I keep reserves anticipating that this is a long haul.

Here's to hope ..

Today: Appointments with doctors

Today I have scheduled to see a GP and a dentist. I shall be going off to see the dentist to register with them. Hopefully I will be entitled to free treatment being unemployed. Free dentistry would be nice. I feel a little self-conscious on account of not having been to the dentist in years, and my 'bulimia tooth' situation.

I've been thinking about smoething lately. Firstly, this issue with job seekers allowance has been weighing heavily on me. The job centre people did not call me back on tuesday, so i should call them, and I should also call about my JSA claim, as I'm not being given any benefits, and all the people I have contacted to help me seem to be saying 'this isn't my responsibility go elsewhere'. It's like the whole NHS situation again, just being brushed off to some other place. All this medical stuff is quite triggering.

The past couple of days have been fairly productive, I have redone one of my two CVs, and, as well as having a call from  my ex and her daughter, I have been coping quite well. Masturbating plugs in some of the gaps, jogging, and having a structure to my day. I hope to cut down masturbating at some point. I am also sleeping late. I woke up at 8:49 today, well, that was when my eyes were properly open and I could sit up. That is a good start, and a good record to follow and beat.

So, I think I'll stress the positives:

1. I am going further with jogging
2. I am sending off a few applications and widening my job search methods
3. I have been waking up earlier of late
4. I have been feeling a little bit more energy
5. I'm keeping my overeating in some control
6. I'm getting more toned and slimmer
7. My weight has stabilised, no gain, some loss
8. I've been practicing piano a little bit


Now I shall move forward. I feel that being depressed isn't very sexy, despite what some people think about the
brooding male. Now I am curious as to what to eat for breakfast, as it will show on my teeth!

Tomorrow I have reserved tickets for the Darwin exhibit, and the day after I have a careers fair for postgraudate studies (not sure if I'll go). Sunday will then be my jogging session with my good friend. We are trying to make a routine of it.

Today: CV improvement, and big jog

I suppose that it would be a bad and inaccurate representaion of reality if I were to see the world entirely in terms of black and white, and, in particular, if eerything was pretty black.

Today, I got up fairly late. I blame that on myself, and the alarm clock going off, but more on myself. After getting up, I had been masturbating for about 35 minutes until I decided (post orgasm) to make something of my wake and go for a jog. I go jogging around this local marsh. I have, on a couple of occaisions, gone around it the whole way without stopping for particularly long (more than 2 seconds). I went 3 laps today, I did stop a few times. I decided to establish a system. Go one length or one side of the marsh and then walk the rest until I got enough strength and lung power to do some more. This system lasted me for about 45 minutes. As well as the 3 laps, I did a few situps to the point where the muscle on my left side went dangerously close to cramping. I felt that something was wrong when I was doing situps as I felt it was too easy. Eventually it started getting hard after about 4 minutes and I went through until I started coughing and breathing was difficult.

After getting back home, I decided to make some food, I grilled some food on the george foreman grill; my mum hates using it partly I think out of a fear of new technology, and it being hard to clean. My motivation in looking for jobs and going through my schedule has not been great today. I have scheduled the revision of my CV. I have been putting this off for a VERY long time, like 3 weeks.

I've noticed that each passing day almost seems like a chapter. Time is going by slowly. When I jog, an excruciating 45 minutes (my current maximum training time) seems like a particularly long period. The pain and physical exertion makes my experience seemingly dilate time for longer.

Every day is a test on my motivation. I should not complain much though, but get on with it an happily acknowledge the good work I've done. I've had hiccups here and there. But overall, I think that the days have been quite good. I have been going through the system I have established. Although I must admit that some days and at some moments I am far more meticulous than others. I did not record yesterday, for instance, that I spent the evening watching family guy.

Yesterday was quite draining on account of that teacher's application and getting up really early.

Hopefully today, my achievement that I can stand up for will be the revision of my CV (oh, and the jog)

Early start

've been buying myself with some success. I dont normally pat myslf on the back but I'd say that today has been going well.

I woke up from about 7; mastubated until 8. Got up and brushed my teeth, shaved by 9. Did a few tasks, and then had a tea break, watching frasier on tv and having a tea by 10. Then Applied to the GTTR to be a teacher by 11, procrastinated a bit and now scheduling some reading, researching about applying for graduate studies and publishing in academia. The list of reading is long, but the acal reading, if I spread it out, will be short. It is getting up to mid janurary.

this made me realise. It's getting close to the end of the decade, close to 2010. I was 13 years old when the milennium came. Now I am 23; and life is in many ways, still the same as it was then. Perhaps the familiar things are comforting. I have been through a lot since then , I suppose that goes withotu saying. I have sen through the 90s, and now the 00s.

The moreimmediate thing I realised was this.It was only in 2005-2006 when my anxiety got bad; at the time when I couldn't see the future, or plan ahead my life. I have learned a lot from then, and now I seem to be scheduling events in my life up to two - three months ahead. I think that iks a sign of progress. It is also a concession to reality; life isn't about the glorious victory and fighting guts and glory; although that's good too, you need to be boring to get things done. The idea that is passionate is also the idea that is had on a whim. A long, gruelling and painstakingly meticulous plan is how one puts things forward, and that does not negate passion, it empowers it. If you still feel the passion and the love once you've survived so much, instead of burning out like a phoenix in space; not only are you the srvivor, but you are truly the strong one.

After I've finished up my GCal planning task, I shall be going for a jog. I've set myself a fairly difficult target distance. I hope my 'whim' lasts the boring yet painful length that I've set for myself.

The grinding

I think that I'm having triggers again. As such, I shall try to record the exact time when it happens.

13:15 I estimate.

From about 13:07 I was looking up some details about my job seeker's allowance and the help that the job centre can give. The job centre is a place of degredation and despair. It is like lidl. I suppose it would be, they have the same kinds of people; the unemployed, the thrifty, economy's losers, my parents trying to save money, ethinic minorities and eastern europeans, chavs, and the broken spirited.

My trigger is that I had my job seeker's allowance claim rejected. I notice this as my bank balance is going down and I have no incoming money, not even from benefits. I wish I could say I was living on the dole as at least I'd have some bloody money coming in!

I was also looking for some financial support for the course I was hoping to apply for. I then was looking if I could have my benefits claim investigated; it is past the time in which I shuld have replied to ask for it, so that seems to mean I can't get it further investigated. On top of that, it seems like in the job centre, everyone wants to defer you to someone else. They say they want to help but they 'cant discuss personal claims', or 'that isn't their mandate' or 'it isn't done in this branch', or 'the postal system is complicated here so you have to go there in person'. I'm then flashed with images, memories:

1. Ex girlfriend telling me to get a shit job, just any job
2. Ex girlfriend pushing me to tears to force me to speak my mind when I do not wish to
3. Ex girlfriend breaking up with me
4. Being in the job centre, trying so hard to hold back my tears. everyone sitting on those posh, colourful sofas, silent and despairing. I see a lot of overweight women, non-white people, people who probably don't know english, people who have small beautiful adorable children, women who look quite fuckable but when they speak they have a potty mouth.
5. The feeling of life crashing down, as I sit in the job centre, waiting to be called or for an appointment; the feeling of moral degredation and my hopes and aspirations thrown to the ground and destroyed. As if I am presented with a beautiful field, but I cannot run to it or explore it, because I am in a glass cage.

The feeling of all the hopes and aspirations of my life, all the things that make me unique, special and loved by my ex girlfriend destryoed as I am flung into the commonality of sitting on this colourful sofa with a fat woman with ugly cracked feet peeking through her sandals next to me, as I breathe through my mouth so as not to inhale and smell her horrible body odour. I feel Like I am shouting as I type this as my rage at my  situation remains undexpresed over all these weeks and months. Why I must hold back this rage and sense of hatred is because I deserve it. I deserve this situation I was put in because I didn't get into a PhD, I didn't look for jobs early enough, I didn't work hard enough for my MA studies, I fucked around during my postgraduate year chasing a hopelessly depressed girl out of sexual attraction and my understanding of her despair. I thought I was being a good and noble person doing anything for her even if she didn't ask for it, now I am without the love ofm y life and not even allowed to have benefits.

I am going to that blasted job centre every fortnight for money I am not recieving, I am sitting among the scum of the earth because I made this situation, I am not even being paid the tithe of £50 a week to live among them. I am alone and I have no one to talk to. I am falling in to this pit of despair, and I realise that I have a choice not to fall in if I follow subtle cues and not to indulge in this overwhelming tendency and sense of listlessness.

I am on the verge of insanity and loss and destruction, but it does not yet control me. I face the jaws of the beast, and although it is still undetermined if he will eat me, I face it, stare at it, and find it difficult to glare at him with my jaws, as if to say: I AM FIGHTING BACK.

This is a war not won with strong feelings, for strong feelings put me in this blasted mess. I must win with stoicism and good old determination.

I feel better writing this post.

Switching off (but in a good way)

I had a pretty horrid nightmare. My ex used to have nightmares, and Iused to be there to comfort her when she woke up. I'm not there anymore, and neither is she. I'm on my own, again.

A friend suggested a certain social network to join. I did, although I hope that it does not become a time hole.

Today I went for a jog. I went for about 45-60 minutes. I went 4.6k and I really pushed it beyond my normal limits. I stopped a few times, I admit. I didn't go as consistently as my mates whom I had been jogging with. I did feel a bit better. I had a second wind as I was jogging, and then a third, and then, on the last stretch, I went all out and sprinted, I also screamed a bit. I think now, perhaps that wasn't appropriate or necessary. I scared an old lady, and there was this other, buff guy who was fitter than I. That makes me not entitled to scream as if I'm giving it my all. My forarms quite hurt and I did a fair bit of ab excercises.

I feel quite fresh after having a shower and changing into clean, fresh clothes. I feel a sense of energy and endurance in my body after a long haul like that. I suppose that's where the second wind comes from. I also realised that towards the end, that feeling of more energy is more a psyhological and phenomenological thing, than an actual physical strength being in me. I feel greatl appreciative of my friends taking me out to do that jog. The marsh that I train in is a small pond; I must graduate to bigger ones. As a side point, I've also noticed a lot of older asian men excercising, and wearing very ill-chosen clothes for their training. It seems almost cliche now seeing those men.

When I got back and went through mroe careers links and planning the next few weeks; I found myself considering this situation of the breakup. Perhaps I should, as I have done in the past, 'shut down' certain parts of my thoughts and focuses in order to move on with this difficult situation I am in. I need to feel less, think less, and not to regard that old relationship I had so highly. I need to cut her out in a sense, to move on.

I'm still in a sense of denial.

In other news, I saw a potential PhD opening, it's in belgium, but who knows whether I'll get it or not. Probably not. I'll apply with all my heart anyway. Assume rejection, and then you won't be terribly disappointed. That said, I hated that attitude when I was yuonger. I aspired for success and great achievement. I don't have any oppurtuntiy for that in this present time.  It's like I'm taken back to the lack of oppurtunity that my parents were in with university study and middle-class work. It is a full circle of my family. The immortality of social immobility. I should just get my head down more and move forward.

I think that jogging is  the only thing I can hold on to. My motivation to play music is also down.

This morning

This morning I woke up quite early. This is a pleasure as much as it is a pain. I am learning to have that horrible feeling of waking up early, but on the other hand, I learn that wonderful thing of getting things done during the day.

This morning, i was aware that I had to go off to the GP. I was deciding which issue to go to see them about: I had the followign options:
1. Skin problems
2. Depression/anxiety
3. My eyes

I chose number 2. I though a bit about it, and there was something awfully troubling to admit that I had depression again. The doctor was quite keen on getting me to take another antidepressant, but they were also very flippant (well perhaps that isn't the best word); he was very eager and seemingly unthinking to prescribe me basically anything.

I was prescribed prozac, its official name is flourexitine or something like that, but can't spell it right now. I also asked for talking therapies, as I have found it really helpful in the past, and I quite miss having someone to talk to, I mean, blogging is fine, but I've stopped talking to my (now) ex girlfriend about my intimate feelings almost as soon as the relationship started, and there aren't many people I can talk to regularly about my feelings.

I felt pretty rotten accepting the prescription for the drug. I was motivated by a few factors:

i. I wanted to appear nice to the doctor, it's been a long time since I've been nice to a doctor, and for me to trust them again
ii. I seriously considered taking them again, and I thought even if I'm not greatly warm to the idea, I'll just keep it as an insurance policy
iii. It would be a multi-faceted treatment for depression, pills plus therapy. That's gotta be something to be positive about

As I left the GP, I remembered a lot of things that upset me. A lot of my 'old' self. The stigma of mental illness, the shame of being on the drugs, the shame of the side effects, getting fat, losing my mind, being incarcerated, being under their control, having my life ruined, being vulnerable, being found out be my parents, by my brother, by my friends, what my ex would think if she knew, what Marie would think if she knew, what it would symbolise of me returning to the drugs, returning to that time and staying in limbo.

That was too much for me to bear, so i tore up the prescription, put it in the bin, ran home and then put my training gear on. I went for an extended jogging and training session. I was wearing all black and my heavy boots, it was strenuous and exhausting, hot, with the sun beating on my black shirt. I went for a 45 minute session. I felt rage, sorrow, hatred, shame and all sorts of negative feelings. I tried to make my body feel in some comparable way to the anguish in my mind. It didn't work, because my mind is relentless at torturing me, while my will is not as tough on my body in pushing me further. I will learn to achieve the amount of hatred to manifest in my body, I will learn to be strong.

I'm having a better day than most, however, I feel that the events of today has given me a small realisation. I'm having triggers again.

I need to note this in my diary.

Yesterday (Introducing Emma)

Yesterday, the following things happened:

1. Marie (that evil girl) contacted me on facebook, after I re-added her again. I'm not sure how I feel about this. I have been told by a friend that I should not 'give in'to her, because this is a highly destructive time
2. I went for a job/intern interview, I feel it went well, it is certainly more experience with an interview. I didn't get it. Gutted. However, I move onward and I suppose, forwards.
3. I've been chatting to this girl I met on a matchmaking website; she's in the same city as me, and she's also similar to me in her darkness. It's nice to talk to her because its jut nice to talk to anyone. I am not putting too much into it, however, she did say:

'You are like a male version of me'

I told her that I liked her. I thought, forget this shyness bullshit. I'll just fire and not think about it. Anyway its nice takling to someone again. I am not interested in falling in love again for a while, although someone to talk to helps.

4. A girl from my university in my first two years has been 'bothering' me lately. 'Emma' invited me to a concert yesterday for her alumni celebrations of her fancy girls college. Emma has been since emailing, texting and facebooking me. Firstly to invite me to a play, then a concert, and now she's offering me a 'job' which seems to have every role except fucking her. It's nice to get attention from a girl, although I'm not sure if she's actually crazy or not. Emma wants to establish some kind of charity/thinktank/political organisation all by herself and she wants to make me the Achilles to her Agammemnon. That sounds pretty impressive, although it also sounds too good to be true, or an excuse to get closer to me. I never really kept in much contact with her excepting for when we knew each other in University; which wasn't very well either.

Today I got up bloody late, although I got a few things done and got a delivery that I had been waiting on, and I've gotten another book review offer!

Anxiety today

Going to the book event today made me feel a lot of unease and anxiety. The first thing that set it off was leaving the house, I felt scared of leaving the house and I wanted to go back to my comfort space. I am living and thinking too comfortably. As I walked further down the road after my house, I saw a violent scene. There were some ethnic minority guys holding up some traffic by a junction as they were offloading right on the corner (very bad). A taxi hooted at them, and one of the hoodlums threw his drink at the car. The driver stopped and began a conflict. My dad was once attacked on that junction by means of a similar incident.

As I went further down the train station I felt a sense of isolation. I felt a sense of lonliness and I felt a coldness. I felt like I wanted to escape. I felt a sense of panic. There were some problems with the tube station. Some kind of violent conflict or terrorist incident. I shall look it up on the news later. This meant that I had to change my route and I got lost on my way there. It was starting to get dark and everyone was walking in the city. It was around rush hour time and everyone was going home.

I managed to find my way to the book shop and I felt uncomfortable as the man next to me was overweight and taking over the seat that I was on with his obesity. I had kept an uncomfortable position throughout the duration of the presentation so I was quite keen on going home soon after it ended. I was not terribly interested in having my books signed by those hacks.

Upon going home, I realise that there were lots of similar clothed people to me on the tube. That was somewhat amusing. Someone on the train also had the same book reader as I. I've never seen that before. It was nice to look at how attractive the women on the tube were. They varied in social class and age. The tube is a great equaliser. I could have been a prestigious PhD student doing some scholarly pursuit of truth; or I  could have been a guy who has been unemployed for a year and a bit: they do not judge on the tube. No one even looks at you.

I ate McDonalds on the way home. It was my guilty shame. My comfort food. I have done this a few times since I have moved back to my parents. I have begun to make a measure of how far I go before I finish the chips, and then the burger. My normal order is 2x regular fries and 2x cheeseburgers. My anxiety is growing a bit when I go outside. I feel afraid to immerse in the real world, which makes me think that I am perhaps afraid of success.

I gave a text to my ex. I wanted to say: I miss you, I love you, please come back, please take me back, please love me.

It would not have helped me, or her. So I just said what I did today.

My mum is incessantly annoying. She keeps giving imperatives to me, ordering me about. Telling me how to do things. I think that she is deperately trying to claim some atuhority as she has lost some, given that she has retired and I'm the only child of hers that lives with them now.

My thoughts must not be expressed without editing. I must write, and accept the edited story. The story that avoids the darkness and the story that emphasises the positives.

And so I end this entry.

Cultural events

I have decided that I should do something that I have been saying I wanted to do. That being, go to more cultural events, more intellectual and thoughtful events. So far I have planned:

1. Booked a book opening event in a prestigious london bookshop
2. Booked (free) tickets to the darwin natural history exhibit
3. I've been invited by a friend from university, to go to a concert (in a church) commemorating some anniversary of her posh girl's school. A concert is a concert, and it is always nice to go somewhere vaguely pretentious. I suppose it affirms a sense of character and identity, compared to wanking myself dry for 4 hours a night.

It's nice to be invited to things, it means that I am not forgotten, and ignored a person. I feel like most people have otherwise left me behind. I am slowly realising that my feelings are confined to my own mind. My sense of feeling worthless, unloveable and hopeless is only true if I accept it. It is something I must detach myself from and move forward from.

That's all I have to say

Mental block

I have been having a lot of thoughts. I've not written them on this blog. I keep thinking that I will write it but it feels like holding water that slips through my fingers as soon as I hold it. I think that some of the thoughts I have been having I should dare not repeat. I am afraid of entering a dark place.

I am afraid of regressing into my past depression. My ex girlfriend di a lot to heal my and my broken mind. Now that she is gone, life is presenting me with a challenge. My sense of isolation brings me down. My penis is very sore from being wanked too much. I am starting to have 'triggers',  again, I think.

On the plus side, I have had lots to think about and lots to keep me busy. Yesterday I spent my time doing some chest presses and it really pulverises my arms. It makes me feel so exhausted and takes so much strength out of my arms that I feel an emotional draining as I do it. I feel this physical and emotional synchronising of my low, drained, empty feeling. It is when my body and my emotions meet and express each other together. Insomnia, I find, is when either my body is too active and my mind is dulled; or vice versa.

I have been desperate to look for people to talk to online. Old friends, online friends, etc. I am feeling so terribly lonely that I have a need to share my feelings with someone, find someone to console my situation, ask for their advice and lay off all these feelings I have.

I do not know if I am winning this fight. I think I am because I do not feel I am losing. However, the alternative to losing is an open plain, and winning isn't the only option.

The day today

i booked a dentist appointment,
 recieved my HC2 certificate,
attempted to book a gp appointment,
enquired about a job teaching philosophy in primary schools,
i went training for about an hour, practiced guitar (its new to me) and went on this chatroom session on a graduate site about careers

in other news, i re-added marie on facebook. I am not sure why.

I see her constant self-expressive diatribe and I simply pity her. Many of her friends are yes-people, sycophants, as I was.

I see beyond her pathetic guise. I am above her. That said, I need to focus on my own growth and healing in order to have a claim to any superiority.

In honesty, right now is not the best time to boast. Im in a bad way. Just nice to see that she hasn't changed a bit

The training course

I have gotten a potential new job oppurtunity but it comes at a price. £250 to be exact.

My degree and arts background makes me the ideal candidate for this oppurtunity. There is a job where I work as a consultant and I can work with this company that will train me, or go independent. Either way, i will be trained to work for this certain role that I am qualified to do. The drawback, as said, is that I have to pay a fair bit of money for the course.

Here's the deal: I have about £450 in my bank account and no incoming benefits or anything, as I'm not entitled (yet).  If I keep going to the bloody benefits centre I will hopefulyl start getting paide in at £100 a week. £250 is a big hit out of my account and this doesn't look like the best job in the world, but it is a job, and it is possibly open to me.

I'm at a bit of a quandry. Money is not easy to come by and I have a slight feeling that this might be a scam, or a bad investment. I need money, but I have to spend money to make it? This isn't even a big gain investment. It's a job for £20 an hour for probably one or two sessions a week; sothat's £40 a week? pathetic!

breakup week - after 'the day'

I think that I will list events of the week:

- Went for a 3 mile training run yesterday
- Today, I went for a bit of training and focussed on my arms
- Ex girlfriend called, she seems to still want to pick a fight on me. It feels as if she wants me to still be upset even after we broke up. I decided to be neutral and not bring up any argumentation.
- I've been feeling like I have been in a stale air lately. I've felt that the relationship will still work and eventually she will come back. It's not true
- I am not sure where I am going in life.

Positives:

i. Got an interview for an internship next week
ii. Got an email from three potential tutors.
iii. Still got a schedule, plan and will go through life
iv. My hunger is down a bit, and my fitness is perhaps improving

It's official. I've broken up

It's been on the cards for a while and I thought there was a chance to rekindle a relationship when I saw her; but when she said I couldn't stay for the weekend and she complained that I got her daughter too many gifts; I realised from my perspective, that her treatment of me had to change, and the relationship must end.

I've cried a few times. I've been thinking about purging again. I'm staying these things in such a flippant way; I was thinking about how to say these words and ponder those memories all throughout my train journey here. I was thinking about all the challenges and the low feelings that would come.

However, right now, I feel that my darkenss is a bit blighted by the fact that just before I opened this window to type this post; I had a big orgasm and feel a bit numb. It was a really big one, all pulsating throbbing. I've been holding my orgasm for about 2 days. Now on to new times. I broke up with the girl of my dreams and the girl who I love the most and still love. It's moving forward now.

In the light of moving forward I have this to say:

1. I have had 2 new potential tutees contact me
2. I have an interview next week, its for a NGO.
3. I'm fairly optimistic right now about how sexy I am, however, I may 'forget' this sexiness at a later date.

Currently unwashed for 3 days, stubbly and sweaty. I could smell the guy's dick on the tube through his trousers, he also had a whiff of anal play. My nose knows too much.

I smile now, because I heard this theory that if you smile forcibly, you might internalise the smile and mean it. Smile and lie, and maybe you'll buy it. I like that, positive psychology.

Ah, orgasms, its as good as alcohol.