Dear Diary,
Got up today, I'm prepping for New Years Eve. I also just put together my last weekly report on my resolutions for 2013. So begins the new document and new targets for this coming 2014
Brother and his gf are downstairs. I'm going to have mulled wine with them and then get ready for later.
dear diary,
something upset me.
at CBT i was in the waiting room and I read this thing about abuse. it was written in a very understandable way. The pictures were child like and the english was written in a very simple way. It upset me
Then the CBT session upset me. I talked about some worries I have. It went really deep into my psyche, I felt vulnerable and I realised how much I am hurting inside.
So today I focussed my attentions on getting shit done. As it happens, I did fairly well.
If I did that more often I'd be in a good place in life.
Christmas is two holiday days, and I've already had them. Today was a desk day and I made it work. I was thinking to myself about that whole thing about when people say they have to do stuff and they always say how mucht hey have to do, but how much do you see them acting more than talking. Today was one of those days in which I just got on with it. It felt good.
So, a list of things I've done:
So that's a 9-activity day. Not bad. I've still got it.
Hope tomorrow is just as good.
Onwards.
I better go to bed.
A friend from the community garden once gave the phrase (I can't remember who she attributed it to): swallow an egg every day.
It sounds like some early 20th century reference, as in swallowing an egg whole, with the shell raw. It's a symbolic reference to doing something uncomfortable, and then being able to relax.
I remember in my anxiety days I lived in utter and constant discomfort. I knew that in order to get by, I had to swallow an egg. In those days I was the strongest I've ever been, exactly because I persevered in extreme mental and physical pain.
I owe it to that person I used to be, to swallow an egg every day. I owe it to myself in the present and future, to push myself and do the things I don't want to do, and go to the uncomfortable places that I'd much rather avoid in order to better myself. When my anxiety was at its worst, I couldn't even think about the next week without getting a panic attack, I just about managed to think about today and tomorrow, and I had a vague idea of the day after tomorrow.
Swallow an egg. I think back then it meant going to university, doing the lectures and reading books/writing essays. Now it means something different. I'm still trying to work out what the equivalent of swallowing an egg means for today. I think that today I did it successfully
Boxing day in a stupour. All things considered, I got a fair bit done. I managed to do some reading, catch up on feedly and readability. I managed to do some job searching, I did some archiving, I had some family visiting as well today. I'm glad I'm it has passed. I've eaten a fair bit but not a huge amount. I still need to think about the Gym and calories. I might do a session tomorrow. I have lots to do over the next few days. I did the minor tasks that fill up as icing on the cake.
On reflection this christmas has been alright, nice presents, my situation is better than it was last year, which is at minimal, an improvement. Presents weren't too bad either.
Dear diary,
So its christmas day. I'm not feeling it. I gave presents to people, and I ate a bit. I ate a lot today, but compared to tomorrow it's the dress rehearsal. I'm feeling kind of numb today.
Something fucking annoyed me today. My dad said he got a free antivirus software registered for 5 PC's and I downloaded it but it was absolutely shit because of some code and registry issues, it relied on windows defender/firewall which has been completely stripped of functionality by the previous software i installed on it. Long story short, I just bit the bullet and bought a new firewall and virus software. I can't be doing with this dallying about. That wasted about 7 hours of my day plus the headache of how my dad doesn't want to put any effort in to anything.
I'm feeling a bit shit right now. I am feeling numb. This isn't as bad as other christmases, but its more lukewarm, like a bath that isn't cold but not exactly comfortable either. It's dull. Kinda like how I felt on antidepressants.
I'm gonna try and sleep, or something.
I keep a 'bible' of names to keep up with who I've mentioned and who their real names on the blog. The girl I went on a date with, I shall call Hunter.
Hunter and I chat a lot on facebook. Hunter has a history with depression, but she's doing loads better now. Hunter is starting a job soon and she's non-monogamous (I almost said polyamorous!).
Hunter and I chat a lot, and I have feelings for her. I kind of feel like we are in a very real sort of relationship, but its not like a socially sanctioned relationship. We started chatting on fetlife, we met up in person and we support each other online all the time. Hunter makes me blush and she sees all the good in me. I'm starting to show her the 'bad' side of me. I told her for instance that I took a shit in a public place out of anger earlier this week. Hunter was angry at me, but at least I told her something about me being real, authentically angry and showing the dark side to myself.
I saw Kate Nash play a gig this week, she was inspiring, she had a message for all of the young girls in the audience, to be who you are and do whatever you want. People will put down girls (especially young girls) because they seem stupid or such by the rest of the world, and thats exactly why they should stand up for themselves and not give a fuck. The other bands who played before were really good. There was an asshole fellow next to me who was heckling the performers, I wanted to knock him the fuck out, but I think he was autistic or something - I genuinely don't think he was intentionally being malicious but unaware of his socially breaching behaviour. I cannot be the guy who beats up someone for having learning disabilities - not me of all people. He did piss me off.
Hunter is making me admit things, particularly that I have a problem with food. I have a problem with food lately, I also have a problem with anger. Bother are related to my other thoughts. I'm 27 and going fucking nowhere in life. I did some high profile job applications this month and had a few interviews that went nowhere this year. I have no prospects and Im working 2 part time jobs that do not equal a full time job. I felt realyl down in the dumps and the only outlets I have are the gym and food. I am not wanking so much these days, perhaps because of my schedule and perhaps of the changes that affected me when my laptop died. I wank with my tablet computer and its pretty good, but I don't wank with the frequency that I used to. I wank maybe just under once a day. I guess you could say I have too much in my day. I feel like sleep is more a useful application of my efforts than wanking.
Saturday morning I went for body pump, found out that the class was full, so I optioned for gym, then I found that I forgot my fucking shorts. I went to the public library and I kinda felt - humbled. I remember the last time I was in the public library my wifi died and I needed a new place to go to check my emails. I saw all these books in the library, many about self help, many about being empowered about yourself, many about issues people have, eating disorders, self harm, racial discrimination, aspergers, dyslexia (none on dyspraxia). I saw access level course books, books on blogging, all sorts of self-help books.
I felt like I was transported to another world, another mindset. In my normal mind I always have to be the best or read thep rimary source or be on some cutting edge. In that library I was 17 again, reading introductory books and books for general audience. I kinda felt normal I felt like I never went to university and almost as if I still had hope
Hope is something I don't have at the moment. I'm reminded of a quote from the TV show Oz. Said says to a prisoner about to return to the real world: "hope is a waking dream", Poet, who is leaving asks: who said that, Mohammed? (as Said is a very visible Muslim in the series). Said replies: Aristotle.There was an air of optimism and openness with that surprising attribution from Said. Poet then replies: well, that motherfucka aint never been to Oz. Oz is a prison with horrible things happening.
I'm not doing so well right now.
I'm trying new methods and techniques to try and help me, I'm looking at mindfulness, I'm looking at timing myself, and trying not to multitask, im also trying not to be distracted.
not doing so well with the overeating thing. Fuck the pizza i had last night was delish. I am doing quite badly with control - I ate 2 christmas presents of chocolates
dear diary,
things I did on thursday:
Something I'm doing lately is a 'time trial' sort of thing, where I set a timer for tasks which gives me the impression of feeling in a rush, and stresses the importance of my task.
I'm also thinking a bit about mindfulness. I spent about an hour watching 'jesuit conspiracy theories' on youtube - why? just because I was procrasturbating. Got to be more mindful of my priorities, and not look at machinima/IGN pop culture youtube videos.
Also I ate a fuckton today. I love my new protein powder, which I shall refer to henceforth as 'my steroids'.
nearly 4am. better go to bed. I'm playing my DSBM playlist and will wake up to some nice suicidal black metal.
got back from GP appointment, booked another one. not feeling very happy about it. Will be trying to book a referral to a specialist for the aspergers assessment. Got a distinct vibe that the GP wasn't interested. Upset.
Not sure how to deal with upset. I want to hurt myself, I don't have any other ways of expressing myself.
Every 2 weeks I set myself a task to write some prose. Write about anything. I usually write about how I'm feeling. I wrote something that I chose not to put up on here. I am starting to think about mindfulness as choosing how we feel and what to focus on.
Right now I'm choosing to focus on downloads and my schedule.
dear diary,
I am feeling angry, depressed and isolated. I don't have people to talk to about this, and the people that I do have I'm seemingly pushing away with my vulgar behaviour. I suppose if I am honest I deserve that. How easy it is to turn from a victim into a thug. I express all that vulgarity to express how much I am hurting inside. I'm also overeating. I'm calculating my calories and its going in excess of 5000kcal. I'm starting to feel 'mia' again, the dark side of me. I could fight that side of me, but I don't see any point...don't have many reasons to get out of bed.
dear diary,
I've not done enough today. I woke up early, but some things got in my way and im not sure where my head has been. I made a decision/forgot my oyster card so I walked to hospital, I overall walked about 7 miles today, instead of busing everywhere. Today is one of my so-called off days, every day is an off day in my life working two part time jobs.
At CBT we discussed a few things. Firstly we talked about the last anxiety situation I was in when I was working at the Sentinel news desk. We talked about the way I had to approach things, and she tried being all 'CBT' and trying to question the movitations and thoughts that I had in my head that caused anxiety, and I replied to say that there weren't so much feelings but it was the situation itself that was anxiety, then she tried probing further to ask: is it necessary to do x,y,z and I replied: yes cos it was my fucking job. I'm not sure how helpful CBT is when you are actually in high pressure and unavoidable situations, what if I have anxiety because my life and job are genuinely challenging situations? What do I fucking do about that? She suggested progressive muscle relaxation, I said it helps me realise how my body is disproportionately balanced and I feel more pain on my right side than my left, and that's probably more about the way I train and I am left hand dominant, plus I have issues with gait and a fall a couple weeks ago, so being aware of my body doesn't help my anxiety too much.
The actual helpful (and second) thing we talked about was mindfulness. I addressed how I had an issue with concentration and focussing on tasks when I have so many other thinsg building up in my mind and my life. The more things build up the less I'm able to cope with anything, and everything. Therapist introduced mindfulness as being in the moment and that entails: being aware of but phasing out attention to the past, the future and other things in the present, and just focussing on whatever it is I'm choosing to focus on. Something kind of clicked, it sort of reminded me about Buddhism and I actually felt that might be something I can look into. I felt very vulnerable today. I might look more into this mindfulness malarky. I am also looking into 'timing' my tasks to aid productivity. I have set 1 or 2 hour timers on my tablet as a way to make me feel in a rush and being in a rush motivates me to get to the finish line with more achieved. I am in fact typing with the stopwatch on right now as it happens.
I also vandalised the hospital today, I expressed my contempt and rage at certain doctors and nurses who mistreated me. I am a janus faced cunt, acting all nice and vulnerable but deep down I'm a rage monster. I'm feeling very angry lately, a mix of lots of things, feeling unsuccessful in life and doing nothing about it. My feelings have no discernable form of resolution. All I have is my rage and the gym. The third thing we talked about was how to take the Aspergers assessment further, doctor said something about allocating funding for me to see the 'genetic unit' or something like that. I want it to be taken forward by occupational therapists. I had good experience with occupational therapists in the past.
All this childhood memory stuff is grating at me. I'm thinking about my uni memories lately as well..and most of them are not good. I used to be fat and miserable, now I'm just slightly tubby and miserable.
Friday:
Saturday
Was facing a few demons at the ym today in my head;. I feel like those demons beat me. I was watching a youtube channel last night about a guy who lives as a shut-in, and he said that the bad stuff never goes away. I admire how real he was in saying that, no plattitudes saying its going to get better. He talked about his suicidal tendencies
Dear Diary,
did a big shop today. spent a fuckload of money. Not too happy about that.
I got some new powder, it has creatine and other shit. What was weird was that, the woman said it was £60, but if i got a 'gold card' (cost £4) I can get it for £48. Then she said as I was about to buy it, that if I bought a shirt and a shaker with it, it will cost £44 and I was like wtf...then, okay, sure.
I felt really good with that powder, it was like euphoria. It didn't make my brain feel a certain way, it made my body feel full of energy, and that energy translated in my mind with hope and potential for change, and that made me feel happy.
I have a habit of getting up late lately, from sleeping late. I really should go to bed. I got a few more tasks to finish then I'm off to bed. I'm all spacey today. I felt really good at the gym today, I felt this sense of energy and 'thrust' (want of a better word), and I lasted 2 hours at the gym.
After gym I saw there was a choir performing at the local pub, so I went in, bought a ginger beer and sat at the table to watch some nice people sing. It felt good, I liked doing something new, I liked combating my anxiety.
I got a shit load of fuck to do tomorrow. I better get it done quickly cos later on in the evening I am supposedly going out to see a friend.
Dear Diary,
Had the last day of work today.
Thinking about money a bit more, and worrying. I'm thinking about Christmas presents and spending.
Mum says its okay not to get presents for people. My sister knows that I'm working in a shit job(s) and she's a big successful banker/lawyer type.
Had a long wank just now. I feel kidna in a daze now. I just want to look for snacks.
So thursday today. That means the great and the good of gym work - might go for the infamous triple session.
Lots of things to do today. Thursday, this day is the first in a long run. It's my first proper 'desk day' in the sense that I have 100% no fixed obligations so its all on my watch and my control.
Better sleep now. Or eat.
So today is the last day of work for a long while...I'm a bit scared. On the other hand I will technically have more time to do shit. This reminds me of august all over again. I still feel I haven't gotten over that horrible august situation.
So, the doctor says there isn't enough evidence to say I have aspergers. But does that Mean I have aspergers? not sure - does it mean I don't have aspergers? again - not sure.
I'm going to talk to the GP about this, and give him them a big fucking dossier.
It's weighing heavy on my head at the moment. Imagine knowing you might have autism, that would affect the way you see your life, your past, and your prospects. Do I have it or don't I? fuck.
did some christmas shopping today. I'm trying to be focussed and avoid procrasturbating. I had a wank last night, and I stayed up for hours. I almost feel like (maybe thisis my late 20s self talking) if I wanked less I'd get more done, I feel like denying my wanking urges feels like a heresy, like how people don't drink alcohol in pubs - however I don't drink much these days when I got out, so I guess I'm already an heretic. I'm going out this friday, I must think about not drinking.
I am also thinking about Christmas presents which do not involve 'buying'. I have a lot of family and that means lots of gifts. I have 'secured' a few gifts that are low cost but are also nice enough to be gifts. I've got to get ready for work now...
I'm looking at shifts over January, and I see one on tuesday, I was thinking to myself maybe i should skip tuesdays as I have badminton at that time. Then I saw about 5 graduation ceremonies and thought to myself: so where was that tuesday?
I laughed to myself because I was reminded of that paul mooney joke where a man asks a genie to build a bridge from africa to the USA, and then the genie says that's impossible, then the guy asks for peace between all races, and the genie asks: so do you want that bridge out of wood or concrete?
Dear Diary,
I've been thinking in a focussed way about the stuff haunting my mind, instead of thinking: ugh, I've got so much to do (undefined) and I really dont want to do it, let me just go around the minor stuff instead - then I end up not getting much done at all.
Today I just dived into it in a controlled way. So I had a think about the following:
These are defined explicitly, rather than just vague items. I made a christmas list and bought some items, and I've narrowed my shoe list down to two.
Here's what I've done today:
I better get to bed now. I might eat something first.
This week Nelson Mandela died
Paul Walker died first.
I was sad about that.
Not much else happened in the week
I saw a great gig
I cut my leg on the way home
Tripped on the tube
I got 2 days of work.
One event, where I got 4 notebooks
Another day, working at the sunday sentinel
Lots of things going on in the world.
Not much in my life.
I’m feeling ill again
I’ve got to keep fighting
Dear Diary,
Got home. I am feeling a bit low. Work was really boring today. Not much went on. I took some calls, that's about it. I asked the administrator to sign my timesheet and she herself was doing crosswords and puzzles and playing some flash games on her computer.
I saw my former colleague on the other side of the floor. She's so dreamy, she's got lovely hair and big black rimmed glasses and she's friendly and pixie like. Definitely pedestal vision with her. Phrygia told me that her manager (and for a whiel my manager) is leaving. The first thing I thought was, oh, that's sad. But then I heard she's off to australia to recooperate. I think she's had enough of London life, I think she's had enough of wanky pestering sports journalists.
I am tired as fuck right now. My parents aren't home today. Thinking about what to eat. Maybe I should stick to the basics of keeping house. I have so much to do.
things I did on friday
I also got lots of free shit at work, and I think a woman flirted with me at work. I was bemused. I gatta get up at 7am, so I'm off to bed now.
NI NI - today went better than I hoped for. However Saturday is anothter day.
In CBT we've been talking about aspects of my life that cause anxiety and issues. One issue we talked about was a reliance on routine, and the impact that a disturbed routine can have. Another aspect we talked about was challenging certain thoughts that might be disabling.
I have been thinking about procrastination. The therapist asked to consider procrastination. For me, procrastination can be a source of anxiety on the basis that I put things off so much it seems bigger in my head the things I need to do and makes me feel immobilised.
I've got about 12 PhD scholarships I need to look into. I also need to look into the whole teaching options. I'm getting upset lately. I am dealing witha complicated, nuanced and social/economic circumstance that doesn't always involve anything I can control. A level headed approach is key. However, various things have upset me and trigger upset issues for me. This makes me feel very unhappy and not level headed at all. It also makes me feel so upset that I don't want to face the world, and I end up feeling quite tired, that plus the cold makes it harder for me to be motivated to do anything.
I find this stuff hard to talk about. In my mind I'm thinking about how little I've done in my life, and how much of this is my fault. So I try to think to myself: start today and do some shit! But then I think/feel to myself - there's no point.
I'm feeling quite low at the moment. When I used to feel this low I let my problems bury themselves over me. At the moment that is starting to pile up. There's a big pile of receipts that need doing and doing the laundry and cooking feels like a massive emotional chore. I'm using Google Keep to try and keep my concentration. I am having a lot of problems with concentration at the moment. I need to talk to my therapist about this next monday. I use Google Keep to make even the most menial of tasks possible - so I don't forget. If there's something I need to remember doing, I write it down and look at the list, and do it. Then I write other things, see other things and try working that way. Otherwise I'd get distracted by some other shit. There's too much shit going on. I think that I need to cut some things out in my life. I need to do less of my rituals I think.
I am starting to change some of my rituals recently, with the onset of my new tablet computer. The tablet makes certain things really really easy and efficient, like catching up on blogs.
I'm going to make a list of the 5 top worries I have:
All of these things I see as related - all of them require me getting a decent job, all of them involve money, all of them are issues of self-motivation, all of them are health-realted issues, and christmas affects all of these thigns.
FUCK
I need help.
Dear Diary,
I thnk that when I have less to do I feel more tired and less motivation to do the things that I have to do (as small the tasks they are).
I don't have my head on lately. I have to use to do lists and follow them mindlessly. Obviously I dont have a head of my own lately .I just want to wank and space out. I have lost my sense of motivation (again) after the recent interview with the Sentinel.
So I'm working tonight, and tomorrow. My lower back feels like shit, my knee is all cut up from tuesday and my thighs are blown out after doing that intensive workout on Wednesday, doing like 100 each of lunges and squats.
I'm working at the Sunday Sentinel tomorrow, its probably going to be Mandela Mandela Mandela
I've got shit to get on with now. Wish me luck. I feel so tired.
Dear Diary,
Sometimes I write on here. I write about things that I think I should talk about, and things that I want to talk about. This will be about the latter.
I saw this: http://uk.creative.com/p/mp3player/zen-x-fi3?utm_source=eDialog&utm_medium=Mailer&utm_campaign=Mailer_uk_051213
I really want it. I need to retire my old mp3 player - its one of the physical relics that I own since the 'dark days' - Its sort of working, but I want it to disappear from my life.
Dear Diary,
Saw amazing gig last night. It was so intense I feel like something broke inside of me. Kind a reminds me of...actually something I dont want to talk about right now.
So today I'm catching up on stuff. I'll call it 'non priority catchup' and email catchup.
I have troubles with keeping attention so I need to focus on stuff using Google Keep.
It's helping a bit. I've got so much to do its a problem keeping it all on track.
So every month I do a report of my activities over those 30 or so days. This month hasn't been the best, but not the worst either. Had an interview, spent a lot of money, and I suppose other things happened too.
I am worried about money. Money enables me to move out of where I'm living. Money enables me to have a life. Money enables me to be independent from my disability and mental health issues.
Today I've been ruminating on the past a bit. I'm remembering Bristol a lot. I remember Whiteladies road and walking down it, and that road has no good memories for me. I remember Natalya the cute girl I knew who I possibly could have had a thing with, if I weren't thinking about other girls at the time. Natalya is with Barnabus now, apparently.
My libido is back. Evidence of this is having a lot of wanks. I'm using the pillow method again as my tablet computer enables me. I am however trying to do it the normal way as well. I got feedback from the interview last monday. Trying not to read it. I bought a bag of frozen fruit from sainsburys, part of the basics range. It's making my skin flare up.
Tomorrow I am thinking about going to the gym early, and doing some cardio. Particularly thinking about doing some reading while I'm on the elliptical. Did a double session this monday just finished. I did an hour on the elliptical, and then the body combat. I've been using myfitness pal lately. It's quite a good app. I realise that Im eating a lot of shit.
Tomorrow I'm seeing one of my favouritist bands in the world. I might have more news on the dating-girls front. However, if I am broke as fuck, does it really matter?
so the official summary of my day:
This counts as 8 things I did today. Not bad, considering that I wanked myself about 5 times through the day. There's a big pile of tissues that I should dispose of.
I'm really itchy as fuck. Better go to bed now.
Bedwards
Dear Diary,
To paraphrase Camus - a long time has passed and yet it feels like no time has passed at all.
I got a 1 day assignment at the Sunday Sentinel. Something I've done before. This will get me paid over January-Febuary, which is very welcome as that is the 'quiet' period of the working calendar for events, plus I have no work for the forseeable future beyond events.
So, what do I have to do today? There's probably a list. There's always a fucking list. Got up late today, I should have breakfast. I want to have a wank. I have my libido back. I need to think about Christmas. Fuck, so much going on and yet its so quiet today.
I've got to busy myself as if it's a busy day.
Dear Diary,
I have minor obsessions that might make me think I'm autistic, recent behaviours:
I've been reading on moodgym about using 'counters' to help with bad thoughts and anxiety. Perhaps I'll use the salt packages as a symbol for anxiety or depression?
Feeling pretty depressed lately. That interview rejection hit me personally. I've got to get back on the horse. As usual.
Dear Diary,
I hate the band Nightwish. I used to like them but I feel like an ex girlfriend, they remind me of everything I hate about myself.
