Friday, September 25, 2009

I'm alone again

I'm laying in bed, with my laptop on my chest. But I could easily be in a field, alone, desolate. I want to fire a flare, call on a siren, or just walk slowl, not too fast as to expend all my energy. I walk through a field, alone. I pass various crops and the moonlight provides ample lighting to see forward, but all I see is an endless field; no people, I am alone, again...

I've been de-boyfriendised, I've been dumped, broken up, lost.

I feel very much alone in this desolate field. I feel the cool air but my worries make it difficult to take it in. I am inhaling stale air and I feel as alone as the time when I was in that train station about a year ago, waiting to go home, without a place to stay for my masters and I had missed the train. The battery on my phone was dying, and my MP3 player was running out of juice. I was alone, the only one in the station in nearly complete darkness.

I feel almost a religious need for salvation. I feel an almost divine yearning as a succur for my pain. I have to do things differently. I have to move forward. What do I do? How do I move forward?

I know the pits, I know the old roads of depression. In this field I am left in, with no directions, no knowledge of the area and no map, where do I go? I suppose from now I make my own route, but I'm afraid of ending up where I once was.

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