Thursday, February 25, 2010

Top o' the morning

I woke up fairly early. Well I got out of bed about 5am, had a piss, found out my audiobook was still playing and then went back to sleep (putting the book forward to the section on Romanticism).

I later woke up listening to an english man talking about the significance of Prussia upon the papal authorities. Suddenly, I was reminded of the importance of pax romana and the contrast of the multiple state model adopted by modern Europe; it resembled the polis system of ancient Greece, and not the institutional global unity of Rome. I then considered how this related to the importance of the place of unity in my own PhD proposal.

Lately, it has to be said, I've been indulging in more intellectual thoughts. I was listening to a few audiobooks that were really engaging, one, I note; was Darwin's autobiography. These are quite odd thoughts to have while you are half asleep and just about to wake up. Eventually I decided to open my eyes, get used to the bright light of the morning. Then, of course, the old morning masturbation.

I haven't masturbated in the morning and orgasmed with a sense of vigour (relativley speaking) in years. I feel like my teenage self again.

While on the subject of my teenage self, I am currently listening to the twilight soundtrack, it is very reminiscent of teenage fantasies that I used to have (oh, I feel really cheap now having my first morning thoughts about the geopolitics of 18th-19thC Europe) about faling in love, young hot teenage girls and enjoyign my life.


I felt a bit down, on account of a realisation that my teenage and young adult life isn't quite as I may have wanted it. The tarnishment of being mentally ill, and perhaps worst of all, the tarnishment of being so shy and awkward that I had few friends. I am somewhat envious of people with lovely friends and cuddles and 'hello dahhling'-greetings.

My life is perhaps a little more humbling and pathetic. I spend most of my time with audiobooks and my own thoughts. Lately I've decided tobe a bit more of an 'editor' of my thoughts, insofar as my thoughts can take me to dark places.

I suppose I am a lonely person, isolated, socially my life could be better. But perhaps I can focus on the positives:

1. From the perspective of other people, i think that my everyday interests are quite interesting. It so happens that this morning I was thinking about Opus 19 number 2's Scriabin piano sonata and the Sviatostav Richter performance. I wonder if I would ever be able to play such a wonderful piece. I downloaded it on my ebook reader off the public domain. That's my fantasy piece

2. I think that some people might see me as the brilliant and possibly insane intellectual that I want to put myself out to be. I hate when people talk about their qualities as it sounds so cheap. It is nothing to say what you are, why should I believe what you say anyway. A person standing in front of me saying how she is 'caring' or 'smart and defiant' means nothing. Seeing her in the depths of difficulty and challenge will show the true mettle of her being. Will you show me that side of you instead of talking about it? I suppose this very blog begs of hypocrisy depending on how the reader interprets this

I am not writing to be read, I am writing to be realised. In my isolated life I have almost no one to talk to, no one to pose as a mirror to see my physiognomic face.

3. These past few days have been an emotional challenge, but I have rediscovered my spirit of defiance and challenge. I feel that person striving to be realised. There is a man in me, trying to come out of the boy. I suppose I am no longer a boy, even if I feel like it, if I even want to still be the boy. I suppose the beard I carry symbolises this expression.

4. I think coming off the Seroxat was the best realisation I've had in ages. I was feeling quite low with all the triggers and purging behaviour towards november/december. November seemed to be an eternally painful month. It felt longer than all the other months.

I must focus on the positives. This means not to dwell so much on the negatives or the past. I'm not so much interested in the past. I think that while the past will be an inevitable component of me; it has passed and its experiences are mostly no longer relevant to me now. I face a new world afresh, and as a new person.

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