I used to love beards. I suppose because in my jesuit school beards and facial hair were not allowed (so no sikhs were welcome there). I used to keep beards all the time while at university; it was part laziness, and part cool. Lots of guy students kept beards or lame man fluff. I suppose they came from similar boys schools like myself.
I kept growing beards and shaving them off; neither keeping a beard nor staying beardless. I see it as a sign of instability on reflection. My own personal instability, the instability of deciding to keep a beard, and the instability of not shaving regularly. It reflected the instability of not choosing a 'look' that I was happy with and an instability of not being happy with myself.
After 'mia' and Antonia came into my life, I felt attractive without a beard, I found my 'look'. I haven't shaved for a few days, I was keeping a beard to look 'metal' for the gig this week. Now the gig has passed, I chose to trim it a bit and shave my face but keep a goat face.
While I stared into myself, with the razor at hand. I thought about how many changes I have been through; things that seem regularities now fade into distant memory. It was once regular to feel inadequate on a saturday night and stay in; having no friends and only a pillow for mastabatory relief and entertainment (2005 summer); then at some point I was living entirely in my head in a depressive stupour (2006 late); or listening to my flatmates go out to club nights, coming home and an inadequate guy fucks the inadequate girl because he didn't want to go home empty handed, or with a load in his balls (2008-9 year of limbo). I stared into myself as I was shaving, thinking of all the faces I've seen in the past before that mirror image. I thought of all the ways I used to escape my feeling of inadequacy.
I then thought abuot the £40 in my wallet, and how cheap sainsbury's basics alcohol can be. I thought to myself. I could go and buy some alcohol and drink myself silly in my room. I am still warm to the idea, but I feel something is terribly wrong about it. Something is terribly sad about it. I am also overly dependent on takling to people on MSN. I seem to want to do everything but face my problems within myself. I hide through conversing with people; through fast food; through porn; through busying myself and now I am considering again to hide through alcohol.
Sobriety means a lot of things. One meaning is to face reality with a calm and realistic view. Unhindered by mental delusions or chemical rose-tints.
I kept growing beards and shaving them off; neither keeping a beard nor staying beardless. I see it as a sign of instability on reflection. My own personal instability, the instability of deciding to keep a beard, and the instability of not shaving regularly. It reflected the instability of not choosing a 'look' that I was happy with and an instability of not being happy with myself.
After 'mia' and Antonia came into my life, I felt attractive without a beard, I found my 'look'. I haven't shaved for a few days, I was keeping a beard to look 'metal' for the gig this week. Now the gig has passed, I chose to trim it a bit and shave my face but keep a goat face.
While I stared into myself, with the razor at hand. I thought about how many changes I have been through; things that seem regularities now fade into distant memory. It was once regular to feel inadequate on a saturday night and stay in; having no friends and only a pillow for mastabatory relief and entertainment (2005 summer); then at some point I was living entirely in my head in a depressive stupour (2006 late); or listening to my flatmates go out to club nights, coming home and an inadequate guy fucks the inadequate girl because he didn't want to go home empty handed, or with a load in his balls (2008-9 year of limbo). I stared into myself as I was shaving, thinking of all the faces I've seen in the past before that mirror image. I thought of all the ways I used to escape my feeling of inadequacy.
I then thought abuot the £40 in my wallet, and how cheap sainsbury's basics alcohol can be. I thought to myself. I could go and buy some alcohol and drink myself silly in my room. I am still warm to the idea, but I feel something is terribly wrong about it. Something is terribly sad about it. I am also overly dependent on takling to people on MSN. I seem to want to do everything but face my problems within myself. I hide through conversing with people; through fast food; through porn; through busying myself and now I am considering again to hide through alcohol.
Sobriety means a lot of things. One meaning is to face reality with a calm and realistic view. Unhindered by mental delusions or chemical rose-tints.
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