Monday, February 22, 2010

Confidence, drive, direction

These three things I rarely remember, but I have lately felt a distinct sense in which these are really important to my drive.

I considered this as I paced down the job centre this morning. I considered to myself that in recent days I felt a real and distinct sense of striving. I jogged to a few places today (such as catching the bus, going off to the next stop as a desire to both cut time and calories) and I felt my lungs burning, and my head very spacey and airy. My head seems to feel like suffocating during the morning. I felt a strong sense of fatigue during the morning, I perhaps attribute this to waking up earlier than usual, sleeping late, having a lot to drink last night, and perhaps, my latest reason is that I have been off the meds for a few days now.

I am aware that the seroxat meds that I've been on has chemical dependencies that need to be challenged. The doctors stress that I must not go off the drug cold turkey as there are strong withdrawal effects. I presume this feeling of fatigue and sudden light headedness that was so strong that I almost felt like collapsing while outside.

During the long wait in the job centre, I eventually stood to go to the job computers that look for vacancies. I also observed, while in my advisor interview, that there was another fellow next to me. This man looked very down and broken. The advisor next to him was very supportive and caring. From what I gather, the broken man was a recently trained plumber looking and struggling for work. The advisor used the phrase 'barrier to work', as often I've heard from advisors in their professional terminology. This man felt like giving up, this man felt hopeless because as a plumber no one seemed to want to take him on. The competition with already experienced (and unemployed) plumbers was great. I really felt for this man, because this was a man who trained in a good hard working trade. This was a man who trained in a skill that is really needed and important, compared to my stupid 'intelligent' bullshit profession and soft skills.

There is a greater nobility to the plumber than there is to a chewed out postgraduate like me. I have a research project that I want to carry out. I seem not to be worth a real job or a good wage that is hard earned and deseredly paid. This man next to me who was very upset had his 'confidence issues' as a 'barrier to work', despite all these air quotes and managementspeaks; this man needed a good pep talk. I hope he does well. I wish him well.

That man next to me in the job centre really hit home how much I need to be determined and see light at the end of the tunnel.

I impose a telos upon myself. See myself as going towards an end point, a growing towards a greater, better, more attractive self. I am striving. I must create the person I want to be by cultivating and placing the seeds of it now. I want to be determined and confident, driven and fierce. It must start NOW. If I want to have those muscles, I must build them.

The house begins from the foundations, every brick laid.

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