I had a fairly vivid dream that I woke up from earlier this morning. I'll try to describe it as best I can.
For some reason I was the keyboardist of my favourite heavy metal band and I was having a TV interview for a Finnish television network. I felt quite intimidated and then I came into the interview late. There was a point when during the filming I needed to have a piss and I decided to pop out to the loo for the toilet after the commercial break started. The television people were condescending and insisted that I should return soon. i left on the left hand side exit and the room seemed to have a superficial resemblance to my common room from college. As I left the door it was busy and dark, a mix between the concourse of Victoria rail station (in its dankness) and Paddington rail station (in its crowded nature, and some of its architecture borrowed from).
I managed to leave and then there was a complicated series of stairways where one had to jump over a wooden barrier in order to go to the next floor, which made the point of having a stairway redundant as one had to still climb over ledges. I went to the wrong floor and there were some kind of German protestant christians who appeared both friendly but personally threatening. They welcomed me as I climbed over the ledge as if I were some member of their congregation and I felt embarrassed and wanted to leave politely. I then went through their doors (for some reason - dreams aren't supposed to be consistent), and then I sat down for a class. I then saw my dad talking to some workman and called him as they were passing through the classroom. Funny enough the classroom again resembled the dining area of my common room in my final year of sixth form.
I called my dad and walked down the corridor (exit left again) and asked what he was doing here. My dad said he was a contractor worker and that I shouldn't have called him out of his work because he could lose his job and money was tight, he was working hard for the family and if he lost this contract job it would be very bad news for us, especially in this economy. So I walked back to the classroom (from the same entrance as I came in).
I then came back to the classroom, and in my seat the female stern teacher (who for some reason resembled an arhetype of a cruel all girls school teacher) wrote a note that said something very mean to me with also soem noted mis-spellings of words (I do not know why it was mis-spelled or even what word it was). The stern teacher, who was very strict, said to me that I must not enter the classroom from that left entrance and that (by implication) I should not have left the class.
I felt embarrassed because I was told off and then I felt completely powerless and hopelessly out of control as I was in an oppressive regime of an all girls school. At that point I woke up.
I know this sounds fucked up and inconsistent but I'm just trying to tell you how I experienced it. Dreams aren't suppsoed to make sense in terms of logic or temporal linnear consistency. I didn't even have that piss (don't get me started on what happens in dreams about piss...).
I felt two distinct things as I woke up.
1. I was frightened and scared. I also wanted to be cuddled and comforted, yes like a little boy. I missed the emotional and physical comfort that Antonia used to give me, and how 'Mia' is a perverse representation ofthe hope of such an offer of comfort and coddling.
2. I felt uncomfortable with discipline and conformism. I felt that I didnt belong in such a parochial and disciplinarian environment. This is strange because I once thrived in such a place. I was once the short haired, obedient and dedicated all boys school-schoolboy, who was senior prefect, one of the top 15 pupils who had real power in the school.
My older, long haired and slothful self is but a shadow of that conformist and slave-like former self. I am a contrast to what I once was, but I certainly came from that environment and once cherished those memories. I do not dislike what I was back then, but now if I see that conformist short haired person in me I would not like myself.
As my hair seems to be thinning, I seem to reflect on what my personality represents. I felt like i do not belong in that dream world. I felt isolated in the kind of way that I was rejected from even my own psychological origins. I feel uncomfortable in my own skin for many reasons, perhaps the psychological reasons are the most difficult to deal with, as the physical discomfort in my body is merely symbolic of mental signs.
For some reason I was the keyboardist of my favourite heavy metal band and I was having a TV interview for a Finnish television network. I felt quite intimidated and then I came into the interview late. There was a point when during the filming I needed to have a piss and I decided to pop out to the loo for the toilet after the commercial break started. The television people were condescending and insisted that I should return soon. i left on the left hand side exit and the room seemed to have a superficial resemblance to my common room from college. As I left the door it was busy and dark, a mix between the concourse of Victoria rail station (in its dankness) and Paddington rail station (in its crowded nature, and some of its architecture borrowed from).
I managed to leave and then there was a complicated series of stairways where one had to jump over a wooden barrier in order to go to the next floor, which made the point of having a stairway redundant as one had to still climb over ledges. I went to the wrong floor and there were some kind of German protestant christians who appeared both friendly but personally threatening. They welcomed me as I climbed over the ledge as if I were some member of their congregation and I felt embarrassed and wanted to leave politely. I then went through their doors (for some reason - dreams aren't supposed to be consistent), and then I sat down for a class. I then saw my dad talking to some workman and called him as they were passing through the classroom. Funny enough the classroom again resembled the dining area of my common room in my final year of sixth form.
I called my dad and walked down the corridor (exit left again) and asked what he was doing here. My dad said he was a contractor worker and that I shouldn't have called him out of his work because he could lose his job and money was tight, he was working hard for the family and if he lost this contract job it would be very bad news for us, especially in this economy. So I walked back to the classroom (from the same entrance as I came in).
I then came back to the classroom, and in my seat the female stern teacher (who for some reason resembled an arhetype of a cruel all girls school teacher) wrote a note that said something very mean to me with also soem noted mis-spellings of words (I do not know why it was mis-spelled or even what word it was). The stern teacher, who was very strict, said to me that I must not enter the classroom from that left entrance and that (by implication) I should not have left the class.
I felt embarrassed because I was told off and then I felt completely powerless and hopelessly out of control as I was in an oppressive regime of an all girls school. At that point I woke up.
I know this sounds fucked up and inconsistent but I'm just trying to tell you how I experienced it. Dreams aren't suppsoed to make sense in terms of logic or temporal linnear consistency. I didn't even have that piss (don't get me started on what happens in dreams about piss...).
I felt two distinct things as I woke up.
1. I was frightened and scared. I also wanted to be cuddled and comforted, yes like a little boy. I missed the emotional and physical comfort that Antonia used to give me, and how 'Mia' is a perverse representation ofthe hope of such an offer of comfort and coddling.
2. I felt uncomfortable with discipline and conformism. I felt that I didnt belong in such a parochial and disciplinarian environment. This is strange because I once thrived in such a place. I was once the short haired, obedient and dedicated all boys school-schoolboy, who was senior prefect, one of the top 15 pupils who had real power in the school.
My older, long haired and slothful self is but a shadow of that conformist and slave-like former self. I am a contrast to what I once was, but I certainly came from that environment and once cherished those memories. I do not dislike what I was back then, but now if I see that conformist short haired person in me I would not like myself.
As my hair seems to be thinning, I seem to reflect on what my personality represents. I felt like i do not belong in that dream world. I felt isolated in the kind of way that I was rejected from even my own psychological origins. I feel uncomfortable in my own skin for many reasons, perhaps the psychological reasons are the most difficult to deal with, as the physical discomfort in my body is merely symbolic of mental signs.
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