Friday, February 5, 2010

The half-step forward

This week I have advanced my social life in small ways:

1. I went to two gigs. that increases one's cultural capital, not to mention, it assists with my conversational prowess
2. I went to a bdsm 'munch'; that is a social event where kinky people meet up in a 'vanilla' setting and make friends, talk, or just be friendly.

That was pretty cool. I'm the shy type and I found it very friendly and welcoming an environment. I didn't feel too much of an inadequate freak. What I found really interesting was despite my hermit nature, I can often pretend to be a social and sociable human being. I think that I can be quite good at conversation when I want to be. when I am utterly depressed, anxious, or I have a trigger, however; I just freeze.

My depressive thoughts are increasingly less these days. I am so used to being depressed that it is a 'default' to just moan about things. I must get out of that stupour of an attitude. I am however, in a slight void because I am having triggers lately (doesn't matter what theyare), Mia is sometimes talking to me, and I am placed in the position of getting better, but not knowing how to move forward. In short, I don't know how to be a happy person, or simply not an unhappy person.

I live with routine, and perhaps that is the only thing that gives my life meaning. Rarely do I reflect on why I do the things that I do, it is ironic, considering that I was the most self critical person around. I associate critical thinking with such depressive tendencies that I am left in a dogmatic mindlessness. I should try to find an equilibrium.

I think that I am getting close to that by engaging in self-conversation. I talk to myself, in my head. I think about things critically in my head and ways to improve myself.

One way that I considered improving myself was through the following methodology:

Problem: I have poor grammar
Analysis: my poor grammar is a result of thinking too quickly and speaking before thinking. My writing style adopts this practice as well so the poor grammar of quick thought trickles to bad writing.
Posited solution: think in cells. Think in short bursts. Think with pauses. Avoid long sentences. Keep to short, quick, and well thought-out thoughts and sentences. This may mean that my spoken punctuation may be different to before, or unusual by social standards. I may also have a slower reaction to answering questions or speaking to people in conversation, however; I think that this may help me not only establish clarity of thought, but I will avoid gramattical problems.

As I considered this new method of speaking and thinking about speaking; I was led into a whole set of thoughts about how to organise my life, and evaluating my future actions. I do very much wish to move forward in my life. I am unhappy with the way things are and I do feel at times lost. I hide in my gluttony and I hide through my social persona. My social persona is increasingly empty unless I strengthen the core of who I am, that being; the thinking self. The author of these thoughts.

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