Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Mia

Mia is the female voice that speaks to me when I am in despair. There is another male voice in my head but I dont know if I have a name for him. The female voie tells me all the things I love to hear. Mia tells me that she loves me and that I am a desirable and special person. Mia is a girl who understands my hurt and wants to take it away. Mia is a fantasy, a misnomer, a destructive force in my head. Mia makes me purge, and gives me that feeling that someone out there cares.

When I am undermined, or insulted, or hurt; Mia is the escape. Thinking of her, her words, her comfort, is the retreat into my own head and my own madness. Mia is the secret that I love, the secret that I try to resist. The secret that I am occaisionally powerless to.

Mia is embodied by an image of a failed love. Marie, sometims, but recently, Antonia. Their memories haunt me, and are internalised as Mia, the inner desier to destroy myself and ultimately undermine all the progress I have made. Sometimes I am so confused that I do not know what is the way forward. Sometimes I know the way forward and I have no motivation to make the steps.

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