Sunday, January 24, 2010

the boy's weekend

One of the losses I have from isolating myself is that I am not used to the fasted paced ways of griendships and the niceties of being sociable. this weekend, I went out with a bunch of friends from college which I have known for years and we ended up visiting a friend in the midlands. It started off as a small road trip which involved a few drinks, and then going to the friend's house.

My friend lived in a flat where there seemed to be a man who seemed hard up in terms of life's luck. Being a tenant of a small room in a small house; he seemed to have two daughters living with him of varying young ages. It reminded me of Antonia's little daughter and how difficult it must be for single parents. I eventually found out that he sees them only at weekends and he isn't very experienced with parenting. Considering this man's situation put me in a bit of a downer, he was starting up his own recruitment consultancy and seemed to be a former high flyer. The realities of family, life and children bore down hard on this man as I saw his slovenly garb and his adorable young children. I wondered what would become of such children in the future. I'm not terribly used to single parents or alternatives to the nuclear family. They are so alien to my experience and my desire to understand the world forces me to think outside my own closed minded bubble.

We went to drink our sorrows away, with a bottle of gin. We then went clubbing; where I decided to try to enjoy myself. There were moments when I remembered almost a past life in which I hated everything about clubbing; the animal like sexual competition, the rivalry of mate-searching and my subsequent inadequacy as a person of aesthetic worth. No girls are interested in me, in a sex mad world I'm left empty handed. I try to remember that there is a world outside clubbing and alcohol, although my friends often limit me by peer pressure  and making me feel guilty for not fitting in.

I should probably not say everything about the past weekend. But I felt a lot of ruffling of feathers after being in close proximity with so many old friends, and going out to a barbaric club. I feel inadequate there. I feel inadequate and unattractive. I'm not valued in that chavesque world of rnb beats and pop music and alco-variety drinks. I should remember that their's is the world not worth valuing. I feel like the lone voice sometimes. Mia was there to support me last night. The safety cushion of fantasy and hyperbole to comfort my harsh contact with the real world.

Here I am back in my room. I am taking a time to blog as a way of clearing my mind and thoughts as well as sorting out my own current place. I am now unpacking. I must shower, change, wash my old clothes and prepare for the next week.

Onwards and forward

No comments: