Saturday, January 9, 2010

Did I mention the snow?

It's snowing!

It has been snowing for the past week. It reminds me of the 2009 snow last year and the fun I had with Antonia. Anyhoo, this week I played with my mates during the first snow day (before it got all icy and horrible) and since then I've been housebound, more in testament to my lack of sociability than anything. I want to go out to the local TK Maxx and buy another base layer and browse a little, but I know that spending money is a bit tight presently, especially having cleared my debt with a mate who bought gig tickets for me.

So, the girl that I'll be going out with next week has suggested a Jazz club; we are going to see a jazz place in east london (ooh how cockney!) and apparently she knows the area being a former resident. The girly is 28 to my 23, a student and very intellectual. Her area of expertise so I surmise comprises a lot of 'artsy'/critical theory subjects. Considering my masters degree, they are kind of like the enemy, but I'm always willing to bury the hatchet with intellectual enemies, if they are cute!

These past few days have consisted of myself going through the book for my book review. I've done two chapters a day for the past two days. At this rate I should get to the end hopefully soon. I'm about half way through. I have recieved a reply from the new belgian supervisor (having been deferred from supervisor1). Two out of four of my referees have replied to my reference request, and I need to reply to both my referees about what applications I'm doing, and the supervisor2 with a revised proposal and he's also asking me for my transcripts. This places me in two uncomfortable thoughts that I have to overcome.

Thought number 1: I haven't decided what to do regarding my forthcoming postgraduate applications, namely, where to apply!
Thought number 2: My MA grades are far from flawless. This is my achilles heel in the application. I'm being asked explicitly about it and I cannot lie. They must know the truth and I've been impressing them this whole time. I'm scared because I fear a likely rejection again, and this is the closest I've ever been to a prospective PhD application, and I fear it is the closest I ever will be.

I've not been thinking about these two worries, but instead, in my usual stupid fashion, I have been ignoring them and putting off even thinking of them (very bad), on theo ther hand, I have been quite busy with the book review. I need to move forward, in the schedule, in the applications; and with my life. I think that I am under the realisation that my period of heartbreak is just about over and perhaps now I am willing to move forward with my life. It's ahrd to say that in positive terms; it is hard to say: I want to move wforward and move on from Antonia. It's hard to say that I want to move forward and get better, get thinner, get happier, and improve everything in my sucky little life.

Piece by piece. Chapter by chapter. Page by page, word by word.

Heres to another page turned
*please turn over*

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