Gig week

I think that I am going to two gigs this (well, next) week. One of them is an international band on tour, the other my has my bro in it.

I am thinking to myself, shall I go and learn the lyrics of the band so I can go there and sing along like a dick but at least I'll pretend I'm high up the fan ladder? Or shall I go just not really having listened to their stuff lately and listening to my own music playlist that I've set for this month? My music playlist is a bit like work, but also it is quite nice to have such order even in my leisure time. I remember some of the lyrics to the band anyway, and even though I haven't listened to their new album much, I am wondering: shall I listen to their new album so I know what to expect when I go to the gig? I could listen to the support act too and so I'll know at least the beat to which they are playing and I wont get embarrassed at giving it my all at a low level song and looking silly at a high energy song.

I'm not in a high energy mood. Furthermore, I'm not sure I'm even in a gig mood. I just feel tubby. I also am not so hot into the bad I'm seeing. I'm sort of going for the sake of it. They used to be my fave band some time back but not anymore.

There is also the question of what shall I wear? I have hidden most of my band shirts, not just that, shall I go in the band that I am seeing's shirt? or another shirt. I hear it's cooler to wear a shirt that is more obscure. It's also nicer to go in a shirt that actually fits.

Fuck, I'm fat.

And tired.

Yet I also want to beat off. I wanked over florence and the machine earlier, is that fucked up?

In the words of a friend of mine: I need new hobbies

Secrets

I have been addressing this theme in a lot of online conversations I've had lately.

I need secrets. It is not that I lie to people, I simply do not tell them. If I go on a date with Jamie, am I lying by not telling her about my ex girlfriend or my mental illness, or the fact that I masturbated to gay porn once (in a while)? No. I'm not lying, I'm just hiding things. I suppose not all things need to be said.

Every time I go home on a certain road, I pass a house that is numbered the same passage as a paragraph in Herodotus that shows a proof about how the economic classes were classified in athenian greece. I remembered that because I had a classics lesson one day and on the bus home I saw that number that reminded me of the passage. It eternally stays in my head. I can't even remember the Herodotus passage, just that I made that association.

I was once completely powerless. I was powerless because people knew everything. I never recovered from that time.

The only way in my head to be free, and to escape that feeling of violation, is to hide. It is to make sure no one can ever see all of me, every aspect of me as a person. I suppose that was why I was scared on the date because when Jamie looked into my eyes I was scared that she would see too much.

I want to purge as a secret, because having that secret gives me power. On the other hand part of me wants to be found out. Some secrets, like my pain, I want people to see in me. I want them to see it in me so that maybe they can save me. That's depressive thinking. I dont usually think such thoughts as often these days.

I like secrets because it helps me recognise the complexity of my mind, it also helps me compartmentalise aspects of me, so that they stay alive.

Two kinds of girls

There are two kinds of girls, of course there are probably more like 3 billion kinds of girls. I'll make an artificial taxonomy:

Girls similar to me

• Depressive
• Dark
• Intensely sexual/emotional (or the complete opposite, but equally intense)
• Tall, glamourous
• Seems to be marked in a certain kind of way that not only makes her unique, but the best of her kind, or some kind of elite
• Intellectual
• Possible goth/ex goth
  
• Wide ranging interests
• They like me and probably see me as a certain kind of boy (i say boy not man)
• Threatens me
  

this kind of girl I hopelessly idolise, but I dont think they are very good for me. I have to note that their opposite will share characteristics.

The 'opposite' to me (at least in a significant domain of my life)

• Possibly emotional
• Loves nature over technology
• Hates technology
• Possible hippy
• Sexual, perhaps used to be sexually crazy but has calmed down
• used to be crazy but calmed down
• High maintenance
• High strung
• Doesn't like depressive mindsets
• Has an incompatible music taste with me
• Isn't very intellectual, but is possibly quite smart/smarter than me
• Isn't an elite, but has some aspects or many of proletarian
• Doesn't threaten me
• Positive, bright, cheery

For good measure, and an acceptance of my maturity, here are features of the dream girl who I will accept doesn't exist or if she does exist I dont like her for other reasons (or suspect she's me in drag):

• Has identical music interests
• Has identical intellectual or relevantly similar so much that its creepy, academic interests
• Shares some aspect of my cultural background (minority background, catholic school, grad school, same unviersity...) and yet shares the same outlook as me
• Likes depressives, possibly has depressive aspects, but is positive.
  
• Compliments my weaknesses with strengths, and I may do the same for her
• Someone who will let me love them with everything
• Someone I can love like someone so close to me they are practically family (in a non creepy incest way)
• Someone who I can get along with their friends, and they my friends and family
• Someone I'm not in some minor respect embarrassed about (like skeletons in closet)
• Someone who challenges me in the way that I like to be challenged.
  

In other words, my equal, but opposite.

Isn't that what we all look for? Equally special enough, but different so much that like a jigsaw piece, you have a hole she can plug; and she has a hole I can plug in and out repeatedly until my jigsaw wick spews out seminal jigsaw baby fluid and then I lay in bed talking bullshit that is important to me that I'd never tell anyone else but would feel so open with I could say anything. Someone I could not hide anything from.

Could I ever tell someone about this blog that I could also love? I don't think so. I need secrets.

Poo smells

I suppose my change in attitude can be marked by the change in my poo. Lately I smelled cheese strings, curry, pork balls, fried food and other kinds of various ethnic indian food. Sometimes my poo is a bit liquid like and when it goes into the bowl it makes the rest of the water murky and opaque. My poo usually could be seen clearly and cleanly as it dropped down.

My stools today were easily dropped. They felt like old friends leaving me, saying goodbye, they didn't  even leave a mess (well not much) on my bum when I wiped with a tissue. I am having a weight problem, and that is linked with my complacent attitude. I think that I have a problem. I don't think I'm a very desirable man right now. Even if I had the chance to be in a relationship I think I wouldn't be good enough. I'm not ready yet. A phrase I told myself all too often back in the 07-08 masters days.

Positives

I've not been posting for a while. I've felt busy. I've had a few downers, but more importantly, I've had a few really good ups. Here are some positives.

1. I've been chatting online viz social networking site, to some really sweet girls. They seem like lovely people and they also think I'm a nice guy.
2. They also think I'm attractive.
3. I went over my anxiety barriers yesterday and filled out the dreaded application form for belgium. The application form was in dutch, which is pretty bizarre
4. My date cancelled, but on the plus side, it gave me a chance to get the application done
5. I feel more organised in myself over the past few days. Despite the fact that I've been 'sleeping in' until about 2pm. I've been getting up increasingly earlier, however. Which i suppose counts as a positive.
6. Mum has brought home some yummy food this week, and although I joggeed once this week I do still have a bit of a belly.

I think that I am going to go out for a jog while it still is bright. I'll make it a short one perhaps. I'll catch you later.

SMILES :)

well, I'm not really smiling, but I do feel an internal change, I don't want to have you think I'm a downer all the time. I am smirking more than smiling.

Covering letters

I hate covering letters. I hate covering letters because they use skills that I do not really have:

1. The ability to speak good of yourself
2. The ability to boast without lying or being bullshit (I just cant boast)
3. The initiative to write individual letters per job instead of a cut-and-paste job
4. The nimbleness to do small and customised tasks while being personable

I also dislike when I set myself up to apply for a job, knowing it is a covering letter-affair, and finding that the job deadline was prematurely cut early. Dang

Pill popping

I suspect today may be a day where I write a lot of blog posts, or where I may have good intentions but may not get terribly much done. Damn, I'm pessimistic already!

Anyhoo, I wanted to type about this issue: I make a morning ritual, even before I was on the SSRI, to pop pills or supplements or whatever. I suspect they may not work but just give me fishy burps in the morning or brightly coloured wee but I chose to continue with it. I did it (I suspect) for the following reasons:

1. I had bought a stack of pills in the past that I feared would just end up laying about the house without use.
2. I slightly hope it might be better to take than not take
3. I have an interest in depleting it so far as to feel a sense of achievement. To leave it laying about the house would feel more like a nuisance and a burden and symptomatic of an attitude that refused to deal with problems or dead weight (i.e. my dad's attitude)
4. One of the bottle was given to me by my ex, and I feel a connection to them for that reason such that I couldn't give it away or throw it away. Further, perhaps going through them daily would be like honouring her memory and yet slightly getting rid of her symbolically out of my heart.

She upset me a bit yesterday, telling me she's after a new guy. I feel like this is a start to another repeated chapter in her cyclical and predictable life. What say of my life in that comparison? I must by contrast, be better than that, for myself and my dignity.

I finished all of the supplementary pills in my cupboard. Pill popping is as much part of my daily ritual as shaving, it gives me a sense that I'm making a step forward in the day, and they also say that the first step in a journey is the hardest. If I make that first step I can find one positive and then continue with the next step. that is why routine is important to me, I know that doesn't sound like a very good propositional argument but I'm just trying to rationalise.

Onwards! (perhaps one of many posts, I suspect I have blogging diahorrea)

A Prayer for Today

Dear God, not that I'm terribly religious.

Today I write this and think these thoughts.
Hoping that this day is one of progress, development, learning and growth.
Every day is a new oppurtunity and my life is filled with these such days where I create my fortune.
I hope today I can busy myself enough and get lots done so much that I can improve my life.
With this day I dedicate to myself, my improvement and my future happiness.

I am thankful for the food in my belly, the warmth of this house, my rent-free parents house, this nice laptop I'm using, my moleskine diary. I am thankful for music, antidepressants, internet, streaming music, endnote, google reader, and ambient lighting.

May the things I am blessed with be honoured, and my I honour myself by dedicating this day toward hard work and perseverence.

Amen

the boy's weekend

One of the losses I have from isolating myself is that I am not used to the fasted paced ways of griendships and the niceties of being sociable. this weekend, I went out with a bunch of friends from college which I have known for years and we ended up visiting a friend in the midlands. It started off as a small road trip which involved a few drinks, and then going to the friend's house.

My friend lived in a flat where there seemed to be a man who seemed hard up in terms of life's luck. Being a tenant of a small room in a small house; he seemed to have two daughters living with him of varying young ages. It reminded me of Antonia's little daughter and how difficult it must be for single parents. I eventually found out that he sees them only at weekends and he isn't very experienced with parenting. Considering this man's situation put me in a bit of a downer, he was starting up his own recruitment consultancy and seemed to be a former high flyer. The realities of family, life and children bore down hard on this man as I saw his slovenly garb and his adorable young children. I wondered what would become of such children in the future. I'm not terribly used to single parents or alternatives to the nuclear family. They are so alien to my experience and my desire to understand the world forces me to think outside my own closed minded bubble.

We went to drink our sorrows away, with a bottle of gin. We then went clubbing; where I decided to try to enjoy myself. There were moments when I remembered almost a past life in which I hated everything about clubbing; the animal like sexual competition, the rivalry of mate-searching and my subsequent inadequacy as a person of aesthetic worth. No girls are interested in me, in a sex mad world I'm left empty handed. I try to remember that there is a world outside clubbing and alcohol, although my friends often limit me by peer pressure  and making me feel guilty for not fitting in.

I should probably not say everything about the past weekend. But I felt a lot of ruffling of feathers after being in close proximity with so many old friends, and going out to a barbaric club. I feel inadequate there. I feel inadequate and unattractive. I'm not valued in that chavesque world of rnb beats and pop music and alco-variety drinks. I should remember that their's is the world not worth valuing. I feel like the lone voice sometimes. Mia was there to support me last night. The safety cushion of fantasy and hyperbole to comfort my harsh contact with the real world.

Here I am back in my room. I am taking a time to blog as a way of clearing my mind and thoughts as well as sorting out my own current place. I am now unpacking. I must shower, change, wash my old clothes and prepare for the next week.

Onwards and forward

Day of yuckiness (and the ongoing tooth problem)

Today I was supposed to be on a date with Jamie; she gave me a rain check on account of her friend performing at a major cultural venue who had gotten her a ticket. Fair enough. However, my friends have invited me for a crazy weekend to drive out to visit another friend. This means that I cant rearrange to see her for this weekend. That means I've blown her off as well!

I hope we can organise a time when I can go out with her next week. For now, however, I shall look forward to seeing my friends. I must see my friends because I rarely get a chance to meet them. Also, one of the guys I'm going out with has had a breakup, I am not that great of a friend with him, but i do want to see him. Anyhoo. Let me talk about my two days of yuckiness.

Yesterday was filled with a heightened temperature as well as extreme fatigue. I spent most of the day sleeping. I spent most of today sleeping for that matter, as well. I have gotten a few things done but far too little to count as acceptable. For now I am going through all the items of GReader (call it controlled procrastination) and then I will start on some tasks. I am busying myself with what seem to be virtually meaningless tasks. That's normally how I seem to work.

I need to gain some perspective. I need to consider the fact that I have pending application deadlines and people that I haven't replied to. I need to consider that I am not sure whether I am aiming for a PhD or a job (whether temporary or not). I need work experience, or a PhD. Last week I was on the high of going on a date and getting all the various things done relating to the PhD and book review. This week has been an acknowledgement of my sleep problem that has been persistent since around the time I have been on the paxil.

Another mental health related problem. I'm having some pretty moderate gum-tooth pain. I need to call the dentist. I hope they dont charge me for it.

Money problems seem to be okay for now. I was £10 below zero earlier this week and have had a cash injection from the job centre. My balance is pathetically low these days, but I do at least have enough money to have a social life and live with some comforts. I should be fortunate for that.

Lately I've been talking to people on this social networking site who seem to be really nice, girls who are friendly and amicable towards me. Although there are no chances for dating most of them, they are people to chat to to  fill the lonely void in my life. I feel less lonely knowing that there is  another person in front of the screen. The internet has been a very good thing in my life.

Onwards with my GReader procrastination.

Mia

Mia is the female voice that speaks to me when I am in despair. There is another male voice in my head but I dont know if I have a name for him. The female voie tells me all the things I love to hear. Mia tells me that she loves me and that I am a desirable and special person. Mia is a girl who understands my hurt and wants to take it away. Mia is a fantasy, a misnomer, a destructive force in my head. Mia makes me purge, and gives me that feeling that someone out there cares.

When I am undermined, or insulted, or hurt; Mia is the escape. Thinking of her, her words, her comfort, is the retreat into my own head and my own madness. Mia is the secret that I love, the secret that I try to resist. The secret that I am occaisionally powerless to.

Mia is embodied by an image of a failed love. Marie, sometims, but recently, Antonia. Their memories haunt me, and are internalised as Mia, the inner desier to destroy myself and ultimately undermine all the progress I have made. Sometimes I am so confused that I do not know what is the way forward. Sometimes I know the way forward and I have no motivation to make the steps.

One rung above a lazy sunday

Jamie called last night. She invited me to see an exhibit at my favourite museum. Although its not my favourite exhibit. I then felt a bit of an anxiety attack to how sudden it all had happened. I just got a call, and then she asked me out. I said yes, and said farewell. This is very scary. I felt like things are happening so quickly. I'm also scared that I'm doing it right. I'm possibly scared that things seem to be going well despite the fact that I don't think I made a good impression on the first date. I was so nervous and I don't think I'll get any less nervous around her.

About an hour ago I started thinking about Antonia, about how I felt and that I miss her dearly. I went for a jog today, it was an hour, 6.5k and just under 4 miles. After the jog ended, I felt physically tired and my lungs burning. I then succumbed to those negative thoughts. A clean shower and a good meal later. I am here sitting up and getting on with my sunday routine. Sunday is a day when I set very simple but important tasks. Today I am going through my receipts and entering all my transactions. As well as that I am going through a fair few memories that come from these events. I haven't done a data entry on my receipts for a while. I'm getting a few memories from the past 3-4 months. Many of which aren't great.

I feel like when I jog I am embracing change; I change as a person, enact that determined part of me. I cannot say I am determined a person unless I jog, or push myself. I feel quite lazy and tired and listless at times, and I try my very best to fight it. I feel that this week has been a successful achievement of surviving through difficult moods and laziness. I did the bare minimum, but I did do important administrative tasks and not let them bury me over.

As I pause in my data entry task, with a slightly relaxed evening ahead (albeit a busy one); I think to myself. I think to myself if things are going to improve if I keep going. I suppose the answer I want to hear is yes. Life seems to be a merciless challenge. In this next week I shall consider doing more job applications, finishing and submitting my book review, going on the date (of course) and possibly applying to the local gym for a 6 month pass.

I was meant to go to two more social events (I saw this thing on meetup.com and a friend invited me out), but due to my low cash situation I could not go to either. Being the gentlement in a date really does max out your debit card. It was worth it for a cute girl.

Back to work. My feet really hurt from jogging, although I haven't been for 2-3 weeks i did go at a good pace.

Date post-mortem (Introducing Jamie)

It went well.

I didn't put my foot in my mouth. There was some awkwardness at the point when we were in the bar/restaurant and a homeless man came into the establishment and was aggressively panhandling me. I mean, what the fuck! The guy comes and says 'hello happy new year, can I have some money?'. I say no, then he keeps saying. Please, please. please, please please please....

It was very aggressive and forward and intimidating. I stayed steadfast, although nervous, and he eventually left. I felt bad, but the more this guy was bothering me, the less likely he was to get any of my money. I felt a bit insecure from that point.

I was nervous during the date. Looking at my date (Let's call her Jamie) right in the eyes was a bit intimidating. I smiled, I saw her smiling at me, and I was there, right before her eyes. My eyes were scared, frightened, nervous, dilated? With some people, like close friends, family, people that you have a rapport with; you can spend times of silence in sociable moments without it being awkward. You can be comfortably silent with someoen you know. With Jamie, I felt nervous; trying to make conversation, small talk.

She was very cute, she's tall, thin, she smelled quite sexy; and I still think she may be a guy. Or maybe, she was born a guy and had some operations. This sounds like I'm being judgmental or self-conscious about it. I have a suspicion that my date may have been born a boy. That's not an insult, I know that she identifies with being 'queer'. Jamie also looked like she might have stubble, or man face hair growth. Jamie also had a deeper voice than I, and hairy arms. Maybe that's just how some girls are; like the lesbians. If she was born a guy, I'll need some time to accept that and get over my hangups, but I'd still be nervous and shy around her, cos she's cute.

The jazz club had some technical malfunctions, the sound system failed at various points, and the flagship song (of the artist's recently released EP) stopped midway on account of the microphone dying throughout a really intensive bridge section. The jazz singer was overshadowed by her multi-instrumentalist partner, despite the former being the main act. I thought that may have been rude. He deserved overshadowing her cos he was a better musician and more charismatic.

Jamie said that she wished there weren't the tables so she could dance. I don't think I would have danced. I dance like a white guy at a club. After the first half of the act, I went to the loo. While at the loo, I stared at the mirror as I took down my trousers while talking to myself. I was talking to myself because I was trying to diffuse my nervousness. I think Jamie was really nervous too. Jamie has cute glasses and is quite stylish, she has this 1930s/punky kind of aesthetic about her.

I felt a bit woozy from not eating anything during the day and then guzzling a half bottle of white. After the gig, I was trying to work out how to get home. When we parted, we had a little cuddle. Well, I say little, but there was a moment when I could feel her and I paused and felt a moment of intimacy and closeness that I've missed for so long. Then we parted. I went home singing to myself "I went out with a girl!" like some giddy 4 year old (now reflecting, I think that was my drunkeness). I had some KFC, and suffered an anxiety attack on the way home

The 'logans run' interview

This might sound weird considering that I'm 23.

There is an unhealhty emphasis on youth. The youth are stupid, and I'm young. The wisdom of those older than us should be acknowledged a little more and we should stop looking at pretty faces all the time. We need to see mroe ugliness in the world.

The interview I went to was based in a media company, who try this intellectual outreach kind of thing; a highbrow set of events. I think I shot myself in the foot somehow. Needless to say that I think the interview went quite badly. Maybe I went off too much on how much I know my subject. Maybe I was intimidating, maybe they thought I talked too much; maybe they thought I was irrelevant.

Everyone in the building was eerily young. The receptionist seemed to start off by having a spanish accent and then it sounded like a toff-from-posh-university. There was a posh kitchen next to the reception, and she asked to take my picture (security policy I think?) as I signed in (I forgot to sign out as well). Everyone there could easily have been head boy or girl at their school, captain of the rugby team, head debater, lead violin, top sprinter. They had that 'I'm perfect and posh' aura about them. The receptionist downstairs had an almost identical face to the woman upstairs. It felt like logans run, or something.

I dont think I got the job. I just have to focus on other things; the PhD applications, book review, dates, other jobs. I've felt busy this week. Antonia is saying weird things to me this week. She's been sort of suggesting we get back together. Thats very dangerous, because I'd let her back into my life too easily, I need to put up more of a fight. Or at least date more girls. Is she emotionally manipulating me?

Anyway, enough about her. I have a date tomorrow. That should be fun!

I'm scared, I'm shy, I'm afraid it won't go well, I'm afraid it will go well. I'm afraid she might see my long johns. I'm afraid if she's a tease.

I'm positive. She asked me out, I guess that means she's forward, confident and has some liking to me. We are going to a gig, I can retreat to music mode and intellectual mode if I have to. But don't overdo it.

Today I planned to get a lot done but I haven't really gotten much done. Not as much as I would have liked. I did howevr make two steps forward. It counts towards something but it still means that tomorrow will have to be quite rigorous and busy, and within schedule to getting to the date!

primark's finest

I got up unacceptably late again. I haven't done that regularly for a good month. I decided to go out for a walk for some consumer therapy and just to make an excuse to walk outside while listening to my mp3 player. . I've been kooked up in the house for too long now. So I went to Primark today, looking for a base layer and maybe long johns. I ended up excercising my consumer muscles and bought:

1. Long johns
2. Base layer longjohns
3. Thermal vest (companion to long johns)
4. black shirt (that doesn't fit due to belly) - I thought I'd wear it for the date
5. New scarf (£1)
6. Ear muffs (that don't fit, £1)

I could always give the ear muffs to my brother, he has a smaller head and he likes ear muffs. I quite enjoyed the shopping experience as well as the low cost of £22. However, that money shouldn't be used so liberally as I need to save for my date. As well as deciding upon whether I am going to the interview next week. Fuck.

So, here's my itinerary for today:

1. Decide where to apply for postgrad courses
2. Tell referees my intentions
3. Request transcripts
4. Revise PhD proposal (again)
5. Book review
6. Reply to teacher training interview invite
7. Prepare for interview tomorrow (Fuck, i always forget that one...)

an end of an era

there are some moments in life when you know that a certain event has happened that will change all the assumptions and feelings that one has about the present. When I started secondary school I morphed into anentirely different person, from the perspective of my friends from primary school, I was not a nice person.

Today I woke up at a relatively early 7am. I decided to go back to sleep, mainly out of laziness and post-orgasmic accidie. I also was too lazy to put an audiobook on, no wait, that isn't true. I lazed about until 1400, when my mum said to my dad next door that my piano teacher, who is a very very old man, has retired and will stop teaching effective immediately of informing my parents.

At that point, I realised that an era had ended. My piano teacher was the one regularity of my whole life. I remember him as a teacher to my older sister since before I was born; and when I was a little older, he taught my precocious older brother, and then, me. I was an arrogant but brilliant student. I was academic and intellectual and very much into the music. After I left for university my mum started lessons. His regular visitations were welcomed by me and I miss him dearly. It also represents a different temporal era, he spanned across many decades present in my family's history, and his knowledge and cultural background imparted to us a sense of cultural capital and middle classness that an immigrant family of working class parents would rarely have an oppurtunity to.

I attribute a large amount of my personality to him, and the european culture he introduced me to. Having a white person in the house changed me as a person, especially living in an asian ghetto as I am in. There is no small part in which the man who I am was influenced by his lessons and character and old fashioned nature. I'll miss him dearly, and hope to see him about in the area.

In other news, today I have finished reading the book that I have been trying to write a review for and one of my referees replied saying that he has sent off a referee letter to belgium. Tomorrow I shall make a decision about the university interview I have next week; and decide upon what universities I will apply to, as well as make transcript requests

Did I mention the snow?

It's snowing!

It has been snowing for the past week. It reminds me of the 2009 snow last year and the fun I had with Antonia. Anyhoo, this week I played with my mates during the first snow day (before it got all icy and horrible) and since then I've been housebound, more in testament to my lack of sociability than anything. I want to go out to the local TK Maxx and buy another base layer and browse a little, but I know that spending money is a bit tight presently, especially having cleared my debt with a mate who bought gig tickets for me.

So, the girl that I'll be going out with next week has suggested a Jazz club; we are going to see a jazz place in east london (ooh how cockney!) and apparently she knows the area being a former resident. The girly is 28 to my 23, a student and very intellectual. Her area of expertise so I surmise comprises a lot of 'artsy'/critical theory subjects. Considering my masters degree, they are kind of like the enemy, but I'm always willing to bury the hatchet with intellectual enemies, if they are cute!

These past few days have consisted of myself going through the book for my book review. I've done two chapters a day for the past two days. At this rate I should get to the end hopefully soon. I'm about half way through. I have recieved a reply from the new belgian supervisor (having been deferred from supervisor1). Two out of four of my referees have replied to my reference request, and I need to reply to both my referees about what applications I'm doing, and the supervisor2 with a revised proposal and he's also asking me for my transcripts. This places me in two uncomfortable thoughts that I have to overcome.

Thought number 1: I haven't decided what to do regarding my forthcoming postgraduate applications, namely, where to apply!
Thought number 2: My MA grades are far from flawless. This is my achilles heel in the application. I'm being asked explicitly about it and I cannot lie. They must know the truth and I've been impressing them this whole time. I'm scared because I fear a likely rejection again, and this is the closest I've ever been to a prospective PhD application, and I fear it is the closest I ever will be.

I've not been thinking about these two worries, but instead, in my usual stupid fashion, I have been ignoring them and putting off even thinking of them (very bad), on theo ther hand, I have been quite busy with the book review. I need to move forward, in the schedule, in the applications; and with my life. I think that I am under the realisation that my period of heartbreak is just about over and perhaps now I am willing to move forward with my life. It's ahrd to say that in positive terms; it is hard to say: I want to move wforward and move on from Antonia. It's hard to say that I want to move forward and get better, get thinner, get happier, and improve everything in my sucky little life.

Piece by piece. Chapter by chapter. Page by page, word by word.

Heres to another page turned
*please turn over*

looks like another window opened...

I got a job interview invitation next week. It is a job with direct relevance to my degree, and events management as well. Doesn't that sound good? My anxiety level has gone a bit high so I feel like I've done a lot today and feel safe in the consolation that a lot got done today. Of course I could do more. I've had a bit too much excitement today to get much done from here on.

When a door closes, a window opens...

Ah, so, I'm feeling tired after reading two chapters today, and watching a documentary on iplayer about the noughties. After Robert Webb's comforting but depressing voicover ended, I felt little motivation to do the other things on my schedule (namely, apply for jobs, read an article on set theory and read more chapters). I felt the mental tendency to return to that dark place of thinking about my 'rejection' yesterday. I then thought to get out of that mindset and resolved to sort out my photos and maybe upload some facebook gems. So, deciding that I would do that for the rest of the day, I went downstairs to play with my nephew! (oh, the deceptive joy of procrastination)

Upon returning to my workspace (how IT does that sound), I found an email from a social networking site that I often visit. I girl that I have been messaging for the past week had put two replies to my single reply (I work on an etiquette rule of tit for tat - no pun intended) where her latterly reply goes something like:

I'm going to go out on this limb here, and ask if you'd like to meet up for a coffee or arty type event sometime?

My answer: YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
My actual answer: I'd love that, thank you for asking (p.s. im shy )

Oh, some caveats. She's queer. Not in a homophobic way, but she's just changed her listing from bisexual to homosexual (which makes things fairly clear). I guess that makes things not like some 'normal' date, but I'm not normal and neither is she. We are both different and comfortably so (well maybe not me comfortably). So, it will be meeting a girl I met on the internet whom I had fairly amicable and intellectual conversations with whom I will meet in person because we have the semblance of liking each other.

I'm not trying to be cynical, I really am happy to meet a new girl. I'm just aware that I don't have periods or mensturation and I dont know exactly how queer friendly I am. Not to say that I'm a man's man or macho or anything like that. But gay culture and bisexuality is something I read in very patriarchal terms. Im a patriarchal guy, I like 18thC scholarship and most of my favourite academics are men. Im not man-ist but um...I'm dithering like some idiot aren't I? This is probably what I should absolutely not do on the date.

Anyhoo. My frown has turned into an upside down frown (which is slightly less acute an angle than a smile).

Up, down, and ¬down

Three words to characterise my past three or so days.

1. Up

I was at a real high after achieving the aforementioned task of finishing my proposal; emailing my referees and gaining interest in my thesis. Oh sorry, I forgot to mention that last bit! The guy at belgium seems so interested at my thesis that he says its really good but he can't supervise it, but maybe co-supervise or help in some way with the application, the latter two options he really wants to do.

The supervisor seems tobe very helpful in my application and also in the administrative side of things. Supervisor1 suggested me to Supervisor2, who is an expert in exactly the area I am writing my proposal about. I emailed Supervisor two and he got very hard about my idea and said he'd want to supervise it. Supervisor1 also said if one of the research bodies don't accept me for funding we'll try other avenues. In short, it soundsl ike they want me. There is, however, some caveat stuff that I need to keep in context so as not to get too upset and disappointed:

a. this is still early stages in the application
b. My grades are bad and that is something I cannot lie about
c. They asked for a writing sample and reference letters. I gave them the former but will give them the latter upon their comments about the sample.
d. I need to keep my options open if this doesn't work
e. there are lots of people applying (I presume) and I suspect many of them are elite and better than me

2. Down

The girl I messaged ages ago on the social networking site, who hasn't replied to me saying that she was down, has now reported being in a relationship with a guy. That means that it didn't work and I failed and I am rejected. At least thats how it appears. Funny enough, a friend of mine seems to know her and told me this news initially, the social networking site where I found her then confirmed that she's off limits now. What really upsets me is that this guy is my age, but thinner, more muscular, more boyish and androgynous than me. Those are basically the reasons why I am not good enough and yet the reasons I was banking on if she were interested in me.

I feel like a PhD reject again, turned down because of the inevitable fact that someone is better than me. This was the first trigger I've had in a while (about two weeks - that reminds me [take antidepressants]). I perhaps should say less than eloquently that i had a downward moment and did not have the best wake up moment. Anyway, I will go on to the next bit before it turns into down again!

3. ¬Down, picking myself up

Waking up this morning was hard, but I remembered my affirmations, and, although my ex is now in a different kind of relationship and friendship with me, i fondly learned many things from her. It is a testament to her that I use the affirmations towards positivity. I got out of bed, after belierving in my affirmations, put on my new base layer that I feel quite attached to; smelt the perculator coffee downstairs (thanks, dad :) ) and had a couple of cups of joe. My nephew then came over with his daddy and that brough a smile to my face. We saw In the Night Garden together and spent some real bonding time together.

Now I am up, awake, and trying to get on with my day. So far I've been trying to organise myself given the past few days of distraction. Before the 'trigger' I had last night, I was making a silly montage video of my friends from the snow that was yesterday. The snow brought happiness and wetness to my heart. I wore my dad's old work overall and my arctic jacket. I was soaked but not wet. Thank three layers for that (two were wet). My mum got me another pair of uniqlo trousers which are so soft and comfy they are both jogging trousers and pajamas, and my JSA has come in to boost my humble bank balance a little more. I'm thinking of buying another base layer from TK Maxx to comfort myself (call it comfort spending or compensation of despair by means of capitalism).

Now i must focus on positives and hoping to achieve all the things that I strive for. If I do not strive, I am nothing. I must continue to strive, fight and soldier on in the snow. Onwards, onwards to russia.

Climbing mount difficulty

Today I have done the following:

1. Revised disserataion proposal to belgian university

This took a lot of mental effort to start, and about half way through when I saw the end of the light and that I could complete this task, I felt at ease and completed the task. I then did the following:

2. Asked for reference letter from awkward lecturer
3. Asked for reference letter from another awkward lecturer
4. Asked for reference letter from lecturer who liked me but i found threatening
5. Asked for reference letter from new referee but old lecturer of mine

Although I have not completed all of the tasks in my day, I feel that I have done a fair amount and that i have overcome a great mental boundary and overcame it in the name of progress. Now to read a chapter of a book for a review! (oh, and brush my teeth)

new years resolutions

i've allocated some time on my schedule to write therapeutically on this blog and consider some new years resolutions. The past year of 2009 has not been the best for me, but I feel a sense of resolve that things will get better for me. Just now I purged. I made myself vomit after eating too much. The vomit was quite thick, it makes me feel tired after purging and I also could smell some stella artois in the lining of my stomach fluids (presumably from that one beer I had yesterday).

I would almost say today was uneventful; however, I managed to pull my socks up a little bit later than usual and schedule the next few days. I have a problem of setting too many tasks for myself against not getting enough done. My current appraoch wants to get as much that i've already set myslef done; while doing a few more new tasks, such as applying for universities. The next month will definately be busy, and I hope that it pays dividends. The further I am from 2008 september the better. Those events have been almost frozen in my mind and almost all of my behaviour. I want to embrace a change and that involves at times a conscious effort on the things that I would allow myself to think about, not to mention the things that I choose to let upset me.

While I have had some sexual difficulty in the loss of my libido from the meds, I have also experienced very powerful orgasms. I dohnt know much about brain science but I do feel things are changing in my head. Those powerfule antidepressant orgasms are really good but hard to achieve. I think that I am quite addicted to them, which can be a problem fro me if i want to get out of bed. Tomorrow really starts the busy-ness. My parents were away for most of the day and so I've had the oppurtunity to lay about and masturbate. I also had the chance to purge.

The christmas holiday period is well and truly over. It's the day after new years day and holiday mode is over. Back to work as they might say. I'll try to use my paper diary more.

Oh I almost forgot, I wrote this post with the intention to state resolutions. Here is a list that I am spontaneously making up:

1. Keep up the excercise routine
2. Keep trying to improve yourself, and learn
3. Try not to be lazy and fall into all-too-familiar negative frames of thinking: listlessness, food gluttony, too much comfort, doing the minimum, and make excuses for not doing your very best
4. have some fun, within the confines of the schedule
5. try to get a job and a place to live; or get on a university course...

I'm going to be busy indeed

The days of Christmas laziness have ended, I have decided to go into a higher gear and get some things done, today I have hanged up the clothes that my mum took out of the washing machine while thy have gone out, I have updated my 16-24  rail card, when it comes in to the post I need to update my oyster card so that it accounts for the discounts. i am currently planning my next few weeks which includes the following:

1. Graduate scheme applications
2. Going to see mental health people
3. Going to social event for a certain interest group (that is new to me)
4. Finish belgian phd application proposal
5. Prepare another set of mphil and phd applications
6. prepare book review  for submission (that involves reading the book!)

Given that this is a new year, I have also decided to create new files for my logs; that includes my reading log (using endnote bibliography software) and my music listening log. Today I have been lazily listening to frank harris's biography of oscar wilde while I have been lazily masturbating and snoozing. I got up late but right now I am quite awake and aware, and i am ready to face the new year, keep busy and hopefully, get things done to improve my life. Everything starts here in a sense, in terms of my intentions and my motivation. However, the ball has been rolling for a while in the sense that I have been using GCal for perhaps 2 years now and I have been using logs to record my actions for ages.