Monday, April 28, 2014

Pyhrric victory?

So, on friday I confirmed that I'm working for a month at the Sentinel's legal department. Big relief?

Well when I had the gym class that evening on friday I had an anxiety trigger, which fucked up my emotional ecosystem.

Then came saturday. Did gym classes (felt good), got an assignment for tutoring (good), planned dinner with my mum and family (good), but then the turning point was when instead of fancy gentrification restaurant, we went to this stupid restaurant shithole business where the toilet is a hole in the floor and there were numerous historical food and cleanliness violations in the past 3 years. I had a stomach bug as I ate there and my family were taking the piss out of me as I threw up in the restaurant.

So yeah that kinda coloured my view of the weekend.

Then came sunday. Did some gardening, felt a bad vibe from someone I was there with, but that is more my issue than theirs. I then got home, felt tired as fuck and retired to bed for a few hours. After waking I then did a bit of work, ate a bit and now I realise that I need to do some errands.

It feels weird that getting paid on monday with a big chunk of money from my work in early march and late feb (which is a big relief after hte money worry period of jan-april), I am left with lots more money but lots more continued money worries. I got a 3rd tutoring assignment from the same student. She wanted me to work with her on an essay in french studies (not my subject) because she had such satisfaction from my previous work with her. The worst thing about 3rd year students hiring me a lot, is  that they don't hire me after the 3rd year :p

I'm glad I had the tutoring, but I'm now worried about all the incurred costs of buying clothes and a travelcard etc for the next month.

It's 4:30 and I can't sleep. Worrying about this shit seems to be like something I can't choose. But, if I use some CBT I will find that these worries are not useful right now. I was practicing piano and thinking about mindfulness. There's a lot of stuff that upsets me in life, but it also stops me from doing the things I want to do. I need to be more stoic, more mindful, better able to let go of the things I can't deal with at 4:30am on a monday morning. What I should be doing is letting go and relaxing, going to sleep.

Let go, Conatus. All this stuff I'm worrying about, ...can be resolved. All this stuff that's weighing heavy on me, can be resolved.


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