Tuesday, April 1, 2014

Dear Diary,

I thought I might say in this blog a revelation that I've had inside myself that has been growing for the past few days. There's something that happens inside my feelings and my mind lately that affects me in a really strong yet inexplicable way. I was trying to find the words to explain it until just now: I am experiencing triggers.

I hate that word. It reminds me of a past that I experienced in the 2000s. But the truth is, I still have triggers. The triggers are different to what I used to have and they are for different reasons. What is for sure though is that they are affecting me and they have potential for me to exhibit avoidant behaviour.

There's a friend on fetlife that I message who says that I should write about these things and it might help me. I can write about the things that are worrying me. Write about them again and again until they lose relevance to me or some other issue affects me. Actually that's not what he actually said but I'm doing a 'zizek' interpretation right now (eisegesis)

I wrote in an email to another person that my memories are definitely part of me but they don't have to define me. The old cogs and fears in my mind are the furniture that I have to work with at the oment but it is certainly the case that I may have new mental furniture. For now, I have to work with what I've got.

It's 1:30 right now and I'm sitting on my desk typing. I am hoping that as I write through these diarific thoughts that I might have some big epiphany that will sort out how I feel and sort out and resolve my approach and attitude to life. A part of me knows also that such a thing is not possible.

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