It's finally dawned upon me that its november.

 

this is my stupour day. I've done nothing but wank, my motivation is low and I don't really want to do anything today

Sobriety puts me into a stupour.

Dear Diary

 

I'm not sure if I wrote a post in a few days. Maybe I'll share what's happened.

 

Friday/saturday

 

I went to see Adora, we fucked a lot, cuddled and I had trouble orgasming, I was also very concerned about being so emotionally close to someone. Got home saturday, Exhausted. I tried anal sex with her. I remember her saying: two things she'd never do: anal sex and kissing, and seemingly she was comfortable enough with me to break those taboos.

 

Sunday

 

Went to Hospice to see Eileen. Pretty dark, pretty goddamned dracula black. Also went gardening.

 

Monday

Caught up on  a few tasks, but not all. I also went to meet up with this performance troupe. I felt quite anxious and I mainly went as a musician, didn't expect to be doing jazz hands to popular 1980s songs. 

 

I'm sorry that I'm in a bit of a daze right now. I feel like I'm drunk right now, but I'm not. Sobriety puts me into a stupour.

good or bad anxiety?

Dear Diary,

after the thing I just posted a few hours ago I applied to another job. I then went to badminton instead of spinning. My body feels comfortably tired. I spent the past couple hours reading up on magazines and comics. Today is friday. On my mind is visiting Adora again later tonight. I should go to sleep first, I should also carry on with my schedule as usual. Being with her almost tempts me to forget everything. I'm kind of feeling anxious about her, about meeting her, wondering about how I feel about her and I guess I'm anxious about not knowing whether this anxiety is a normal reaction that people have with a new sexual partner, or if this is my bad anxiety.

I've done a fair amount today. There's more to do when I wake up. Now all that's left to do is dwell until I wake up. Also maybe think about what I'll do tomorrow, or what I'll say. Afterbadminton I went with my brother to his friend's flat. I kind of feel anxious about staying there for so long, we were watching question time and other things on the telly. I guess I felt anxious about being a third wheel. I know the guy since I was litle but I don't know something just seemed awkward. Maybe it was in my head, maybe that's bad anxiety. All the same: glad to have played badminton after so long.

• 6 jobs applied
• 2 blog posts
• caught up on some emails
• examined PhD courses (none viable)
• entered shift data for November
• (note yet done) go to spinning class

that's not bad for a day of stuff to do, right?

Start where you are

Dear Diary,

 

Woke up late (need to stop doing that). Entering Shift data for November. Calculating my earnings for this month and the next. It looks good, however its only downhill from here. I haven't forgotten the poorly wages of July/August period and I really need to keep that in mind as the days go on.

Much to do, almost too much. A nice radio program on Nietzsche and Wagner on in the background, that is comforting. I'm also hungry. Lots in mind today. Lots to think about. Too much to. Just got to start somewhere.

Maybe I'll eat first. That's a good form of procrastination.

shame memories

The year is 2012.

It's a bit before 3:40. I'm in my room facing the window sitting at my desk.

I'm thinking about a time in 2006 around Late December (or was it august). I'm out with my friends, we have gone to a club in Kingston upon Thames. A bit far out of my usual area. There are lots of people around our age and a little younger. I am drinking a bit. I'm pretending to have a good time but I feel my inner sense of misery ruin the experience. I feel uncomfortable, nausea. I remember a girl trying to hit on my friend, she proceeds to kiss a stranger, another girl, as a way of arousing him. Both are not interested in each other, both just want to arouse him, one just wants to be seen kissing another girl.

Later on in the night one of the guys abandons me to hang out with some girls. I end up going home by myself, I lose my pen somewhere and I tell security. They tell me to fuck off. I say how its a fischer space pen and it was special to me. It was the silver bullet design. The security man was unsympathetic and threatening. I remember it vividly. I'm remembering it now, almost 6 years on, and I don't know why. I like to focus on the horrid moments of my life. The times when I feel uncomfortable, unhappy, it seems so absolute. So absolute that it infects my time now, years on.

Memories like that make me feel vulnerable. Memories like that make me pretend certain things don't happen. I remember reading somewhere that there is a difference between shame and embarrassment. Embarrassment has the distinction of being public, or viewable to others. Shame lingers. Shame is the kind of thing you can pretend isn't there when other people are around. Shame has a way of emerging after hiding.

afternoon musings (just finished GoT s02E06)

Dear Diary,

Woke up late, but working on second job application. It was effective to watch Game of Thrones while getting on with work. Perhaps not as effective as not watching it, but I managed to get out of bed quickly. I am continually thinking about Adora. I can smell her on my cock, even after I've showered twice. I smell her lingering on my pillow and on my hair. Shampoo can't wash away how I'm ideating her. I need to get on and think about other things. I've done this with a modicum of success. A modicum. Come the end of the day I will have finished at least two job applications I hope. Then off to work. No time for badminton or gym today. It's pretty full on. It doesn't help that I spent today in bed until midday. My body thanks me for it. My biceps on one side are quite buoyant, my chest also.

I sort of look skinnier, but I know the mirror lies. I'm glad my body has been changing lately, my intense gym routine has been scupting my body. Alas, however, there is much more to do.

Now onwards with my day. I'll have a steak after 3pm, then get ready for work.

double session at the gym, and not much else today.

dear diary,

 

kind of tired, nearly 2am. But I have a surprising amount of energy for one who had done so much at the gym. I scored over 1200 points on fitocracy. Did a 'double session' at the gym. I technically applied for 4 jobs. Looked at job boards. I then can't remember what else happened really.

I was texting Adora, or rather, Adora was texting me. Gosh I think its funny how this whole series of events have been up on my mind so much lately, it's exciting and anodyne all at once. It's also really new to me. I like having something to talk about that isn't about my dreary existence. Adora has been saying how we should have sex again, how we should scratch and bite and slap some more. Adora also said how she misses me and is unexpectedly infatuated with me and my body.

 

I think the thing that we had in common is how black things are inside our psyche. Adora has a lot of darkness, but she doesn't let it affect her so much, nor does she let it show. In a sense I wonder if its really there, but the thoughts she has are so distinctly different from her deeds, it confounds me. I felt open enough to tell her about mia, it felt so amazing to tell someone about mia. I told her about how mia is based on traits of women I admire all merged into one.

 

I'll try to see her on Friday, but she would have it earlier. I'm working tomorrow in the evening, not much time to do things, but also going to be a tiring one as it gets on in the evening and getting home.

 

Onwards, as I always seem to say. Onwards.

Grey days are filled with darkness and light.

There was once a time when I thought getting laid would make me happy, would make everything less black. No I realise the one thing that will make everything better involves boring grafting. I need to do the hard work, the hard thinking. I need to make things work.

 

I'm perhaps going to see Adora on friday. I look forward to the conversations, the cuddling, the possible sex and I suppose the closeness with another human being.

 

A part of my world is falling apart at home. Aunty Eileen has always been around in the background in my life. Aunty Eileen was so supportive when my parents went on holiday, she would make me dinners and come across the road to deliver a plate to me. Aunty Eileen got me a power ranger action figure back when they were scarce objects. Aunty Eileen went to my piano recital, her and my friend Ken. One less in my life, one less in my family, one less in my world. Aunty Eileen is like a mother to me, I know she's going to die, but only in an intellectual sense. When it actually happens, I don't really know how I'll cope. My other aunt is here visiting today, last year her husband, my dad's brother died. I think about this time last year when it was pretty dark. I remember playing skyrim a lot, I remember lots of shifts at work. I remember tutoring.

 

Some of my friends, family friends and even online friends feel that I'm living an underwhelming life. They pity me. They think I deserve to do more in my life and enjoy more. I am inclined to agree. I'm almost in disbelief at the weekend and its events. Meeting Adora, sleeping with her, the beautiful things she said of me when I was naked on her bed such as 'Stop being so sexy'. Adora makes me feel like I'm someone else. That other person I suppose is how other people see me, compared to how I see myself. What I think of myself is very important, and what I believe I must be is also key.

 

Never stop being hungry should be my Game of Thrones style adege. I've gone forward with my metatask, but I need to do more. Always need to do more. I feel very sad, but its a rational kind of sad. I'm sad that Aunty Eileen will die. I'm sad that death is a necessary part of this existence. I'm sad that people have to die. I should focus as well on the joys of life, having kinky sex with Adora is a good start.

 

So the plan for today? Carry on searching for jobs. maybe even apply to some! I also need to go to the gym. Do some Pilates, Spinning, hopefully I'll have energy for both, plus energy for some deadlifts.

Adora (or how I met a girl last night)

Dear diary,

 

I was chatting to a girl on OkC lately, she invited me to her place last night. I was thinking about it and I even discussed it with another OkC friend, her view was: go for it! So I did. I put everything on hold and I went to see her. I went to an unfamiliar area of london, and I went to her place, we talked, we talked a lot, then we ended up under blankets. There was a point where I was thinking that I wouldn't be intimate with her, but that was fine I was just enjoying the conversation.

 

The build up to the moment when I kissed her was what really summed it up for me as a life moment. I asked her 'can I kiss you?' and she said, 'you don't need to ask'. We then had about 7 hours of intimacy. I could remember so much of it, and yet it was all such a blur. It was a wonderful night, full of yearning, sharing sad tales and cuddles. Lots of kissing, lots of learning, lots of spanking and a little bit of scratching. My back is still full of scratches and some of my chest too.I went to the pharmacy the next day to get some painkillers for her, She was short on change so I thought to pay for her, I know for a fact she doesn't like guys paying for her, but well it was medical. I thought it was also the least I could do after all that sex.

The reason I had so much sex last night was because normally I cum, and then I sleep. I  couldn't cum, I was too nervous or something. I just couldn't let go emotionally with her. Inside my mind I still have this barrier that makes it so hard to be close to anyone. I told her about Marie, and the way she hurt me and fucked with my head. I told her how because of that experience its hard for me to trust anyone, and how I created mia in my head. She also told me about how she has been hurt by men in the past, and how she has become incredibly resilient. It hurts me how men have been so cruel to her in the past. It also reaffirms some sense of feminism in my mind.

I remembered how we talked about sex a little bit, and she mentioned how she hated kissing but preferred fucking because in an odd way, the former is too intimate. We did a lot of kissing, and not much penetrative sex, as it happens I didn't have more than two condoms, and both of them failed in some way. My body feels sore all over, butin the best possible way. Did some weights yesterday at the gym, then had a sauna, who would have thought that 8 hours on I would be making love to a beautiful woman. Sometimes its odd how my life which in many ways blighted, can be brought suchjoyous moments. It was joyous, blissful, beautiful to make love to her, to kiss her.

I feel kind of emotional just thinking about it. I feel like I've bonded with her. When I got home I was sorta sweaty, i smelled of latex and my hair was post-coital messy. I barely slept even though we were in bed for ages. When I wanted to leave, she unzipped my trousers and was playing with me, I said I couldn't say no to that, but then after a while I said it had to stop, she was touching me and I said no, I said no again, then I said "no means no" and then the further extreme: "If you continue this is sexual assault", at that point she stopped, she looked sad as I was about to leave. There was no eye contact between her and me, It was like she was trying to phase out of what was happening, she seemed so sad when I left. I was asking if I hurt her in any way, and she said no, ut she was still sad. I learned from Marie that I can't fix people, they have to go through changes by their own decisions and actions. I kissed her and I left.

Getting home I was exhausted. I put my jacket over my chair and went to bed. I think I had a glass of milk and that's about it.To be with a woman again is a great joy. I miss it very much. When I woke up (around 10pm), she texted me asking 'shall we meet on friday?'. I've not replied yet, but I will try my best to do so.

Now I've got a massive backlog of shit to wade through. Oh well, at least I took time off for the right reasons!

Getting ready for work with bacon and coffee

This morning I got up slowly but surely. Making some coffee, its cooling slowly. I also put together some bacon in the oven. Those will make sandwiches for later. There's something that has been on my mind lately. When I was growing up I was lucky enough not to have too many people die that I knew back then. That seems to be changing now. I worry that there will come a time when the people I know will mostly be dead and the world before me will be so out of recognition that I will only be using the past as a point of reference and that's the way people could understand me. People will think RSS feeds are crass and old fashioned and twitter is hopelessly outdated. What an age that will be!

 

Everyone dies. I must accept that. Even me, even my family. I am kind of selfish and I wish to live with them and I don't want to die without them. They say everyone dies alone, but I don't want to live alone.

Aunty Eileen

Dear Diary,

 

I'm pretty fucking badly behind.

Need to do more job apps. MUST DO MORE JOB APPS. Went to cinema today. I basically had to because my mate from eastern europe is back in town today. Sent an enquiry about jobs on Linkedin. Very useful. Also examined some postgrad courses and practiced piano. I caught up on creative writing. I wrote a poem, wrote two blog posts (non-Conatus) and I did a touch of job searching. I applied to write for another online publication, but this time about depression, and another thing happening today is that I found out my Aunty Eileen has terminal stage cancer. I may have mentioned this in previous posts. Aunty has been in the hospital and my mum said 'it's bad'. But hearing those words that basically she's going to die, it really hit me.

There's been too much death in my life. It will never stop. I have a big family and quite a few family friends. Grief is different to depression. The morbidly sad fact is, grief is a rational thing to have, and because its rational I can eventually get on with my life. Depression strikes me in bed, namely, whether I can get up or not.

Earlier today I looked at my schedule in 2011 to see if anything was different. I am sort of regretting that I saw it. Around this time last year was when I was banking and hoping for things to change and then it sort of imploded. I've got to make this shit work. In some ways my motivation has been good and in others it needs a lot of work. My fitness life has been good, my job search life hasn't.

 

I've been thinking about whether this grief news has been slowing me down. I presently don't believe that is the case. I presently don't think thats affecting me in a productivity sense. It is sad and I do feel sad. But sadness in this case differs from depression. As I've said, depression is the kindof thing that strikes you at the motivation. Sadness endures. I'm not sure which is worse.

 

Onwards

I'm off to work later.

 

I wish I could tell you where I'm working, or who my clients are tonight, but professional I must be. I do really want to bloody tell you though!

 

So I've not done that much lately. Too much wanking. Today I have to get to work and hopefully I'll be productive. I need to do more stuff. I'm very bad. Accidie maybe. Yesterday I did a big ass session at the gym. I'm recovered, but I should get on a bit more.

 

There's a family situation unravelling at the moment. Family friend is gravely ill. It's not looking good. I'm worried, I don't want to say this has been distracting me because thats not an accurate excuse. But it is weighing heavily on my mind.

A week in review (a good week review)

Dear Diary,

 

Lots of shit going on this week. But on the other hand, not as much as last week.

Here's a summary of things of this week:

• 5 training sessions
• 20+ job applications sent
• Responded to tutoring queries
• Worked one shift
• Went to see Radiohead
• Saw my mate's gig
• Practiced some piano
• Started some archiving

 

All in all. This is one of the only weeks in which I'm actually on target. However I need to do more. At the moment I've been filling out some forms, checking a massive backlog of emails and so forth. I need to stop and take a break and do low priority tasks. I need to warm down and pace myself for tomorrow, for it all starts again.

I think this was a good week. I got over my rejections and I'm moving forward. Let's see what next week brings. Maybe it will be better.

typing in the silence of a computer fan.

Good afternoon

 

I hate how in every post I say how Tired I am. Or how I have so much to do. well um, I'll try to talk about something different:

 

• Garden meeting this week. We made a bit of progress. 
• Did a fair bit of training, some weights, spinning, balance but no badminton
• Saw Radiohead, fucking awesome
• did a few calls, had a phone interview
• Sent a fuckton of applications on weds
• Went to work yesterday. Quite tired.
• Going to gig today, also work drinks
• Got GP prescription
• Did a lot of job searching, but need to do more
• Did a lot of sleeping. Now this might sound bad, but its very important for my fitness to sleep enough. I allowed myself a lie-in and not the kind when I feel miserable when I wake up. I didnt have too much trouble getting up today or yesterday. Not more than a normal person anyway
• Lots more things to do this coming 7 days
• Also lots of sad family stuff happening right now...but I need to push on all the same.

Sometimes the dark stuff isn't happening to me, but around me.

dear diary

 

I woke up, had a wank. now i'm lucid again.

There's a lot of dark shit going on lately. My neighbour/family friend is very ill. Fatally ill but nobody wants to acknowledge it. Second bout of pneumonia in a year, she's in pretty bad condition according to my mum. I was at a death anniversary last week which I may have mentioned. Also I am a bit troubled by another family friend who has talked of being mistreated at work and now he has very unstable mental health because of being laid off and mistreated. Life's getting pretty hard on people. Thinking about them makes me not think so much about myself. It's pretty worrying, sobering. In my mind I can't relax that much, I can't let go of knowing these things. I care about them and i wear it liek a burden of emotional stoicism.

I need to laugh more but I find few things funny. I comfort myself through eating, I think that's no secret.

 

The Plan for Today:

• Call HR to claim expenses on travel - just did that now
• Go to work
• Go home
• Go to gym? more applications? - all optional

My knee is a bit dicky today. It might be worth giving it a break.

 

Tomorrow I'm going to be off to do some fun stuff. Meet sociably, go to a gig. First time to meet a certain work colleague outside of work, you know, the one i like...

A quick update on my day (tl;dr - lots done, feel shit)

not in the mood to make a blog post but i thought i should anyway. Wednesday involved:

• Job Search
• Balance class
• Weight training
• 24 job applications
• GP appointment
• Telephone Interview

All in all. Not so bad.

Feeling miserable. Quite tired. Off to bed. Work tomorrow

Toodles

my cousin (25 years ago)

my cousin died 25 years ago in a senseless incident. My cousin drowned. It's the worst possible death one could have, he was 19 years old. When I was born, he came from Kenya to visit me for a year. His mother and sisters also came for a year, they went to school with my brother and sister and they would hang around the family all the time. I heard he was very friendly and sweet and he even had a crush on a couple of girls.

What is morbid to me is that those women are now 40-something and they are married with kids. The tragedy is that a 19 year old had a life ahead of him that never lived, because he died so young. I'm an old man comapred to him, and even though he was a much older cousin when I was born, I have no memory of him; he will stay forever young. I think the lucky ones in life grow old, and perhaps because of the way we mistreat the elderly, we become unlucky again with how the elderly are treated, if we ever get to that age.

They say youth is wasted on the young. My life is wasted due to the lack of opportunity. Lots of shit upset me today. Lots of stuff in my life making me feel hopeless. But today I thought also about other people in my family. I thought about what tragedy it was for two younger sisters to lose their older brother. How it must feel to be his friends, now in their early-mid 40s, around 44-45 years old, remembering a friend who was alive a lifetime ago.

I am unable to mourn him, because I didnt know him and there is just a gap, a nonexistent memory. I knew that he used to enjoy my company as a baby. I am sure he watched me and considered me a novelty in the similar way that I love carrying my little niece, although now she's growing up and can walk now. Everyone is moving on....

There was something said at the memorial earlier, it was something to the effect of: when (my cousin) died, he broke our hearts in two, a small piece and a big piece. The small piece was what he left behind, and the large piece was with you (i.e my cousin). It's sort of soppy and you might think its cringeworthy, but the way I see that little metaphor, is to say that his loss was a devastation that one could never recover from, and that's not cute, or sweet. It was a reality for my cousins and everyone that knew him well. But I never knew him...I want to say I feel sad at that, but I don't even know if I can. It's just a void, someone who I hear lots about in fond terms, I hear about him holding me but it feels like it doesn't involve me at all.

I am angry a lot, but it hides my sadness

Its easy to be angry, cos it looks cool and tough. But really, I'm vulnerable and that's not so cool and tough to acknowledge. Inside I am scared, and insecure. The life I have is full of uncertainties, specifically with the job market and how i can achieve independence as a disabled person.

I have rage inside me, and I try to make it a positive thing inside my head by making it a driving force, and making it achieve things at the gym. However, I think maybe i've been fooling myself, and its perhaps really based on not some tough guy mentality, but a deep sense of hurt.

I'm really depressed. I'm trying not to let it eat me inside, and not let the stuff around me consume me like how i'm underemployed and how my abilities should have gotten me further in life. I've disappointed myself, more than how anyone else has disappointed me in my life.

I guess this does sound kind of moany. I have tried so hard to get into a doctoral programme and into full time work, but its just not happening.

hiding anger in sadness

i didnt get the home officeopportunity or phd interview.

 

opportunity doesn't come to you, all of the advice says. I'm tired of reading about advice on graduate blogs and such. i'm tired of trying to make things work and ending up losing more than i can bear. i'm sad inside, and i'm fuming on the outside. i am alone, i want someone to talk to but nobody is around. really wish someone was around. i'm not really angry, i'm upset. i saw a forum after googling 'anger and sadness' and it says: anger is the cloak that sadness wears.

 

today didnt go so well. I think its fair to say. Nothing is going so well for me lately. It's all getting hard to handle. I used to pride myself on being emotionally aware, but now I think that I am confabulating and being overcome by my feelings. I wish I knew how to cope with this. I need help. can someone help me?

It messed up when I was doing my masters. It destroyed my relationships and fucked with my grades. I'm still suffering to this day by the stigma of it and the destruction it had from the way i changed when i engaged in the purging behaviours.

I have referred to it as an 'it', like its something separate from me, something external. I should accept that it was my fault and my responsibility. The things I did were my choice. I fucked up, I try every day to make things better but I cant undo what happened.

'it' feels like coming back...

 

also, i didnt get the funding.

skyfall

Not much on the job application front. I went half way to scotland, then back again, then I changed clothes for work, then went to work, and I got some nasty ass chicken on the way home. I feel fat.

 

I'm off out again. I might try to catch up today. Hopefully.

 

Now onwards.

 

Oh yeah, that interview, I don't think it will work out. I did have a good feeling about it, but now...not sure.

 

shining black

About to head off to the interview. I have a moment of stoic vulnerability. Perhaps if there was a song to capture how I feel it would be this

What I've been up to lately (a pretty meaningless post title as every post is about that)

I've been invited to a PhD interview. I was thinking about not going, but now I am thinking of going. In addition I am going to my uncle's 1 year anniversary mass, might stay over with Antonia, or at my aunt's. I'm now working on saturday evening, so afterwards I'm going to have to work. Thursday morning will involve me doing to the north for university, then after that I'll make my way to work. I'm not sure its wise to make my way home after work on account of the lack of time. I'm going to have to make a plan for Thursday, and Saturday. Maybe friday too.

 

Come sunday the hard stuff will be past me. Then I can relax. I said that last week and I still haven't applied to any jobs since then. Yesterday I can't remember what happened. It's a bit of a daze. I think I went to work, then I went home, made some calls to the university, then I went to spinning class. Then I went to Pilates, after doing some lunges. My body was pretty fucked after that, but in a good way. I had a really good sleep last night after that, I didnt have a care in the world because I knew that I did the hard stuff. Today I have to do the hard stuff but I'm hesitating too much.

 

I'm glad I'm busy. It means I am forced not to be in a stupour. Even when I am in a stupour. I've got to keep pushing and keep going. I feel the sad feelings inside me, I feel a lot of intense emotions. Now I need to just get on with the boring stuff and plan.

 

Another worry on my mind is money. I can't afford stuff at the moment. I'm going to have to do that very bad thing and withdraw cash from my ISA. Need to buy tickets for going up north, and then tickets to the midlands... Money is worrying me. Money is fucking with my head. However, getting an extra shift means an extra £40, plus I found out I can be reimbursed for the traveling on the train, and I can get a snack on expenses! This aids my anxiety.

Badminton later. I'm thinking of doing a double barbarian tonight of badminton + body balance. I've also found out (surprise) that I'm seeing Radiohead. So much going on...this is almost feeling like I'm living a normal life. I'm not normal though.