Today I've logged as 'stupour' day.

Things hat happened in a 'stupour day'

• Went to body attack at the gym
• Black friday (ugh) - purchased cords for myself
• Black Friday - got presents for my sister
• Black friday - got additional presents for brother in law
• Updated christmas list
• Watching Series
• Follow up email RE: covering at Sentinel at the pictures desk (no response)
• Contacted RE: covering at the Sunday Sentinel - asked to do 1 day cover next week (not yet confirmed)

so---8 things done.

I really want to get a stylish manly old style bag for gym. It looks out of place when I carry that big old nike bag when I wear stylish fashionable menswear. I like to wear 'stylish high street', not 'just high street'.

Utterly vain thought. I've set boundaries for when I buy fancy goods ...the boundaries are, 'my bank balance must be a minimum of £xxxxx'.

things i'm thinking about right now:

• I wonder if I should start shaving with an old fashioned safety blade. I know that sounds really hipster but ...I read its' a lot cheaper.
• I bought some conditioner online from boots, because their shops don't actually stock it currently. It's so hard to find my clairol conditioner
• I am umming and ahh-ing about doing gym tonight. Need to deal with that now.

.

Dear Diary,

After the assessment centre on tuesday (I shouldn't have said where it was - prob didn't get in anyway), I became quite ill on tuesday evening. I had an overdrive production of mucus (this is more disgusting than when I talk about my wanking habits) and I felt like I was simultaneously drowning and suffocating.

Basically most of wednesday was written off, for the sole fact that I was unwell. This time it wasn't about the coughing, my tonsils hurt like fuck and my mucus was a different colour. The kind of colour where my body's trying to kill a bug in my system.

I got a little bit of stuff done yesterday, all things considered, an impressive amount for being ill. I was doing some leisurely reading, listening to music/podcasts (passive things) and I caught up on the latest tv shows that I watch.

In other news...no news on the interview front. However I have received possibly 6 weeks of cover at the Sentinel. Apparently when HR woman didn't reply it was because she was yet to confirm the particulars about the cover.

Things I've done today:

• Prepped for Bank of England assessment centre
• Anxiety
• COntacted (no response/didn't get it) about some temp cover at the Sentinel
• Examined some PhDs to apply to
• Contacted university that gave me offer in July - they said I can re-apply
• Podcast catchup
• Problem at gym with class booking
• stupour (got up late this morning)
• (about to head off to...) Circuits class for the first time

Things that are worrying me:

• Money
• Christmas
• Asssessment day tomorrow
• Gym problems with my card (again!)
• PhD applications (general)
• PhD applications (specifically the one I contacted about)
• Interview anxiety (generally)

I'm having a bit of a food fixation right now...I am really obsessing about snacking right now. I think I have a lot on my mind. Also I have been reading about some people at the Sentinel who have been making some very contraversial statements and I'm feeling uneasy about working at such an organisation. 

Dear Diary, - no wait i will do that


Dear Diary,

Since about 10pm on Friday my brain has been on 'downtime' mode. Which is sort of okay. Considering that I just spent the past few days and arguably weeks preparing for the interview from hell, I just want to move on to the next step of life and survival.

I feel that the medium of writing the blog is slowly arcane and maybe obsolete. I have a twitter friend (I say 'friend' and mean 'person who I discovered on OkCupid, chatted to in a sorta datey way then ended up finding her in another online world where my real life non dating profile self quite admires this person and she is no longer a person that I should consider in a datey context because she's now an activist type hero to me and she's on a pedestal'), who expresses herself through twitter.

Perhaps I'm old fashioned and I prefer my stream of consciousness rants to not have a 140 character limit. That I prefer my self expression to have a pop up window from the start menu and I can just press 'publish'. My RSI means I'm not good at phone typing anyway.

I had that big interview with the civil service. I think I might talk about other aspects of my life. I often am quite insular and individualistic with this blog. Perhaps the medium of blogging is conducive to it.

At the interview I discovered something about myself. I discovered that if the right job allowed it, I can really find a sense of purpose, self worth, and political awareness. As a disabled person, having a sense of agency is a very important to me. I also felt for a brief moment that I could have a possible job that I really cared about and expressed how I could care about the world.

I used to be a more caring person, I guess things hurt me in a way that made me recitent to being caring. Sometimes I might see someone who is radically open and I'll be radically open in return. One time in New Years (last year I think), I met a girl who my mate knew as a sister of a person we mutually knew from school and she talked about her bulimia. I was so taken by that that I talked about my bulimia too.

I sorta had a trigger earlier. I saw a film (through my media contacts I'm not allowed to say what it was as its embargoed) and it made me feel a trigger as the topic of a teenaged girl's anorexia was mentioned.

I'm chatting to someone, a new online friend, who has herslef experienced mental health demons ('demons' being my new favoured term). When I chat to her on facebook it helps me get a sense of perspective on my own demons. I really appreciate her because I can just mention the things without explaining it in too much detail and she understands.

I've said this repeatedly in my self-narrative lately: november being the time of shitness is hard for me normally, or at least in the past. This month I was too busy to notice the memories, things like being in the hospital, the funerals and deaths and the darkness within. I can manage the darkness outside lately, as I am always looking at what's coming after.

This weekend I went to the gym in the morning, as is my ritual these days. I am experiencing some moderate breathing problems lately. It culminated in a lot of very embarrassing coughing at a restaurant and I have these 'mucus' issues involving suffication/coughing fits as a result of the new medication I take. In a very medical way I am a little bit more unwell than I used to be. I'm trying not to let it affect my everyday life. Avoid dairy might be a good bit of advice.

I had a few long sleeping sessions this weekend, I also played on my computer a bit, actual games, I made time for it. I also watched a bit of TV - I really like comedies and anything relating to Marvel Comics. I also read a lot of comics too this weekend (Marvel of course). I set a long list of things to do this weekend. I'm slowly doing them. I've done my weekly review. I even made a big fat sunday meal for myself today. It had lots of veggies in it.

For some reason I don't want to publish this post yet. I feel like I have more to say. I feel like there's something inside me that I need to say. Something about this zeitgeist that I can preserve for the ages.

Maybe it is to say: despite all the shit stuff in my life...I have some reason to go on and things to get done. Perhaps that's what I wanted to say.

I better get on with it, before it is sleepy time. I have an interview with a certain major British institution next Tuesday. I have to get up early to attend the interview on Tuesday. I don't think it will involve as much prep as the interview for Civil Service.

Anyway.

Thanks for reading, whether it's some internet random, or me in a few years time.

Dear Diary,


Instead of being wanky and literary and always trying to put in a preamble to everything I do, like i'm writing a blog posts. I might just say directly the things on my mind in a way a journal that only I was meant to read might write. I won't do this allt he time. but the motivation of this is because I have a lot going on and I want to just condense what I'm thinking in as few words as possible.

I'll start now:

• My payroll issue at shambly has been resolved - will get paid those two shifts next week that I wasn't paid.
• Worried about december work - which leads to january and febuary pay.
• Invited to interview at Bank of England next week. 
• Today is my endgame in terms of prep for the civil service interview
• i should eat at some point * 
• I'm scheduling the next few days ---
• I'm asking myself why I'm doing this right now. I think that one reason is so that I keep organised and feel motivated to do them in a timely fashion
• Another reason is because I have too much to think aboutt with the interviews so it might be better to just automate my process to google keep so that I don't think about it.

* add this to my to do list

Every 3 weeks I set a moment for myself to write something creative. Like a poem or prose stream of consciousness thing that I keep in my private drive. I thought instead tonight I might write a blog post. THe aim of which is to say something distinctly personal, intimate and emotional.

I'm scared. I'm scared of a future that wasn't as bright as I imagined it would be.

I'm worried about money. I'm worried about my health and I'm worried about the limited prospects that I have in life.

I've been quite tired lately but I also have been leading an active life. Perhaps more active than it has been in previous years. Despite this I know there's an upper echelon to reach.

By Thursday night I will have needed to read 400 pages of a social science textbook for my interview.

This week that has just passed was the anniversary for' that day'. I think that I started the blog some time after 'that day'. As such, it is the one thing that frames a lot of my life.

I might write a list right now. A list of 3 positives I can say about my week, and 3 'things for improvement':

Positives

• Went for an interview this week. I need to do more of those
• I did 9 hours of physical/fitness related activities
• I managed a lot of anxiety at work and challenging circumstances with management

Things for improvement

• Maybe I shouldn't have spent 2 days playing Civilisation: Beyond Earth where I could have done some reading
• I could have read more of the textbook
• I could have maybe eaten more greens this week. 

I might write an emotional email to my pen pal babefiend now. I love telling her things. 

Dear Diary,

I'm preparing to go to work, earlier than usual.

I'm not feeling so good today. Mum said something that upset me and it's the shit that sticks that really hurts. They don't value what I do or believe in. A lot of people don't value the things I do. I thought that I reconciled with that.

On a similar note I was watching a documentary last night called 'one man metal' which interviewed these one man bands and they dealt with really dark themes and a couple of them did in fact have really dark and sad lives. I could relate to those guys a lot, perhaps in ways I would prefer not to relate to them about. In particular one of the guys, scott conner, seemed to have a lot of demons and things that he was very...unwilling to talk about.

I think we all have something like that. I certainly do.

I better get ready for work.

In other news: I am going to do more reading of that textbook. In addition I sent off a job application that caused me a lot of anxiety. Kind of a relief to do so. However now, I've got to look at the next few steps ahead. I need to sort out that book reading.

Anyway. I'm off.

Things I did on Monday:

• Job Interview
• Received extra shift
• Cancelled shift
• Magazine/newspaper reading
• newspaper/comic reading (2)
• interview prep
• Anxiety
• Fatigue
• Email catchup
• Revised book review
• TV Catchup
• Scheduling for the next few days
• Reading book on social research methods for interview

13 things.

Now I am a bit dizzy. Off to bed for me.

went ot job interview today. 2nd in as many weeks. I am not feeling so good with anxiety lately. I think that I need to lay down for a moment. I am reluctantly saying 'no' to the gym tonight. I also bought some comfort food just earlier in the form of 2 'chicken strip' burgers. Also noticed a lot of hoody kid types around after 4pm. I'm not on the streets at that time normally.

As you might know, today is 'that day'. I think I might lay in bed for a moment, get some energy and mental strength before doing anything else today. If I can do anything else today. Not feeling so great right now.

(written midnight earlier today and i didn't post it)

dear diary,

Do you remember that I mentioned that I bought a bottle of JD on the day I found out that my piano teacher died? well, some time this week (or last week, I can't remember), I opened it and I took a swig once in a while over the past few days.

Something feels kinda healing about swigging the bourbon from the bottle. Something gruff, brusque, American.

dear diary.

I've felt a lot of pressure on my shoulders over the past few days.

It's also upset my body a lot. my stomach in particular and my lungs.

I wasn't in the best mood earlier this week with the interview. I hope that this coming monday I might be.

Earlier on friday (yesterday) I went to a civil service thingy and they were very helpful about my disability needs.

After that session I got tired, I treated myself to some junk food and went to a gym class.

After the gym I snacked a bit and now I'm planning my weekend. I need to think seriously and strategically for the next few days.

A past version of me used to talk about how I wanted to be a certain person who could face all these adversities and win.

Instead, I am that person and I need to be. I need to be a person that survives all the shit that I'm having thrown at me right now. I'm better at coping on some days than others.

My schedule says: I need to sleep. Long day ahead. I've got it mostly planned. Gym in the morning, get home, do some stuff during the afternoon. Go to a friend's party briefly and then get home (no alcohol I think)


'November is a tough month for me' is the story I keep telling myself. I sort of perpetuate it if I see all those memories as painful and things to cause fear. Right now I have the present to deal with and the present for me is harder to manage than the past. The present is also more real, more immanent and ...do-able.

I better go to bed now. Maybe get some food from downstairs first.


I have to say to myself, because I don't do myself the credit: I'm surviving and fighting pretty hard at the moment these days. I'm also giving myself a good amount of rest and break because I need it...maybe i could use more. It's all about working smart now, and not just working hard.

Dear Diary,

Something's eating at me lately.

Invited to an interview next week, interview yesterday, and an 'orientation session' for an interview tomorrow (not the actual interview).

I've been up to so much with not much energy that I feel I'm not ready for it all.

The idea of disability is making me think a bit about disadvantage. I realise how many disadvantages I have in my life, but also lots of advantages too. I had pretty good teachers for a state school and I was lucky to go to a decent uni. But...my worry is.

What if the bad stuff in my life outweighs all the good stuff.

All this stuff makes me want to purge.

I feel like I'm being mentally pulled apart and nobody can see it. I fucking hate how I need to keep pushing every ebb of my being to do better and do more, and I just am not giving as much as I could have.

I might take a few minutes right now to do some of my 'rituals' (update my [non pornographic] tumblr blog) and that might help me wind down from this anxiety/upset I'm feeling now.

Honestly, my feelings are this: I'm scared of failing in the upcoming civil service interview. I'm scared because I've not done enough reading.

Dear Diary,

yesterday I had the interview. I saw someone who was a friend of a friend from my uni days working at the *embassy*.

So at the interview, the woman from the panel sits with me at the waiting room and talks to me. It seemed that she was asking me personal questions about my CV before the official interview. Also, one of the panel were not available to attend so I was confused when the interview actually started without him.

Then came the question, which goes something like: oh, so you know these computer languages and you have a better university degree than me...so why are you applying for this job?

My response was: I think I can do the job and I'm attracted to a varied role.

I hate those questions. Afterwards was the computer simulation, but then, there was a computer lock because I was taking my time to read through the document and I was on my own for 20 minutes and I had to actually leave the room and ask people in the office for help. Then they directed me to an IT guy, who, after waiting for him to come back from lunch, helped me out, by getting the member of the panel to unlock the computer. That psyched me out a bit.

I felt quite miserable afterwards, so I had some comfort food of McDonalds, and then I had a minor breathing attack in central london. I went home and practiced both my piano and clarinet. That was a little bit healing. But now, I just want to move on.

I say that. I don't really feel like moving on. I feel just like doing nothing. I feel so scared of failing or doing something wrong or making something awkward that it feels like the instinctual thing to do is hide in my safety space oif my bedroom.

anyway. i'm going to get on with stuff now. got to stop feelign miserable about myself.

Things that happened tuesday

• Anxiety happened through the day
• Knee injury during badminton (I'll live)
• Call from agency RE: interview invitation
• Call from Agency RE: interview tips
• Cancelled 14th november shift at shambly
• Fatigue
• Interview prep
• Invited to interview (HR Role) tomorrow)
• Invited to interview (Comms asst) for next monday
• Job search
• Readability catchup
• TV Watching
• Badminton

i feel angry at my life.

i am not in a good mood for an interview right now.

I am not psyched up or anything for this interview. I'm tired. I'm tired because I went to a funeral about 9 days ago and I haven't had more than a single day off work since the funeral and I am exhausted. I haven't had time to catch up on myself and now I suddenly have to rush to prepare for 2 interviews, a discussion group, an orientation session.

I want to be good at all of the things ahead of me, but I've been too stretched out.

I don't have any good chances anyway, being a minority group of several differnt kinds. I know that the agency has given them advice about how I am disabled and how that makes me different to interview as a candidate.

I want to purge. I want to put my fingers inside as far as I can into my mouth and see what happens.

I'm trying so hard to keep it together. I am trying so fucking hard and I KNOW WHAT WILL HAPPEN.

I WON'T GET EITHER OF THE FUCKING JOBS AND I'LL WON'T BE ANYWHERE AHEAD. I need time to prepare and I don't have it. I feel like I don't have it.

I have to make the most of right now to feel prepared. I suppose that means putting off non priority stuff right now.

I'm finding life in a higher gear difficult.

when I was working last week at the multimedia office and the TV/Radio supplement at The Sentinel, I had these moments where everything caved in on me at work, that there was so much to do and I just simply had to power through it all.

Right now. I'm thinking about the following:

• Did my manager at SHambly read my email correctly when I said I'm dropping out of the PM shift and not the AM shift next friday? (I'll assume competence)
• I'm worried about the interview tomorrow, that I have very little time to prep for
• Need to prep for the interview TONIGHT
• Got to do other things, like, prep for the interview next monday. 
• Got to prep for the interview where I have an orientation session on Friday, but the actual interview is in under 3 weeks.

So this morning I was invited to 2 interviews. One of which is tomorrow (and I'm having help with) and the other is next monday (I said that already). 

I have a lot swirling in my head right now. And I'm not prepared to deal with it all. I'm not prepared to face all of this.

BUt I have to. and I have to somehow shine despite all the things against me.

I don't really want the job. That probably says I won't get it. 

I really, really want to purge right now.

In other news, my reaction to food (after taking the inhaler meds) has gotten so bad that I vomited into an empty plate and I felt so sick from having to clean it up that I vomited again after looking at the plate. Perhaps a lot of my recent vomiting from the food reactions have been triggering a lot of feelings about purging, as non-bulimic vomiting does invariably remind me of purging. 

Anyway. I need to do other shift now so I can't blog.

After work yesterday I crashed to bed, I ate a bit, watched tv, wanked, went to bed again. Head in a daze.

Woke up today, had a wank. Didn't think about much. Then some emails were coming in that I had to respond to:

• Shambly arena: shift times changed: can you still do it?
• Interview invitation: the Conservative charity foundation (not their real name) 
• Phone call: I've been invited to an interview, when? Tomorrow? what!! Also, the agency (who are very helpful) invited me to an interview coaching session

I've had a bite to eat. I need to make some decisions now:

• N eed to cancel a shift next week (because day is too long)
• need to plan for interview
• need to decide about interview tomorrow
• need to decide (when I'm emailed) about going to interview coahcing right now. 

Dear Diary,

I've had a busy week. I've been working in 3 different departmnets at the Sentinel. I really wish I could tellyou some of the stuff that has happened and that I've seen, but...I won't.  My life comprises of interesting experiences sometimes and I quite admire that.

I've been so tired today. I fell asleep for 3 hours in the afternoon and I need to sleep now. I'm working an event this coming monday and then I'm off for the rest of the week.

October has gone and November is here. Christmas is a very near reality. I am glad that I have a bit more money to not worry so much about xmas. I also need to save for the wedding I'm going to next year.

Last night I was in bed on my tablet watching videos on youtube of public displays of racism or fighting in london busses. It makes me feel anxious, but I feel weirdly drawn to public disorder. It kind of feels like...catharsis. It's like this inner turmoil and frustration that so many londoners have bottling up and it pops out from time to time in public.

After watching the bus fights I thought I wanted to see something else cathartic and disorderly. So I searched for 'job centre fights'. I was looking for people having public breakdowns, fighting and other forms of disorder in a job centre. I was watching these videos and eventually I re-lived my own personal hell.

My big revelation was this: 2005-2008/9 were the depression/eating disorder/uni years. After 10 years of having started uni I feel like I am starting to think about the overall bad times in a nostalgic way. There were good little glimmers in an otherwise bad time. I liked how there was that really cute girl from alexander technique class who was nice to me and worked at the 'Boston Tea Party cafe'. I wish I got her name, or at least her number. I wish I was more savvy and could say: hey, I would love to know you better, want to get a bite after your shift?

But I was in a difficult, dark place. However, despite the shitness of it and the shitness of my life since uni, I do smile when I think of that girl. I bet she's 28/29 now and I wonder what she's doing. I bet she still wears manic pixie clothes and smells like flowers. I just wish that I remembered her damned name!

The big revelation from watching those job centre fights was: after I came back from bristol I was in and out of job centres for a while. It was just before and up to the time that the Cameron coalition formed and lots of stuff began to change. Those times were so dark that I am too scared and vulnerable to even mention them. I want to sound tough or noble or goo, but there's nothing good about being in that situation. I believe that job centres function to be purposely dreary and depressing so that they make people scared into wanting to get into work....that is, those who can. For those who can't I have nothing but sympathy.

Around 2009 I started signing in to the job centre and jumping their hoops. After a while they sent me on this work programme and I absolutely hated it. It was where I met (inadvertently and things developed later) a friend that I chat to now. I get little flashes of memory from those days. Whenever I pass Elephant and Castle on the Thameslink I am reminded of the Reed in Partnership thing that I went to.

My big revelation was this: despite how shit the uni days were. It was the post-uni days that really and truly haunt me. They haunt me so much that I try to repress those memories. THere's so much shame in being unemployed. The work that I do is so close to unemployment but it is like living on a life support. However since working at the Sentinel and having 2 part time zero-hours jobs I have a little bit more to bounce on financially, but still a long ways to go.

I have no time or energy to focus on the past right now. I have so much to do and there's so much at stake. I'm worried about crashing and not coming out of it. I'm pushing my body and my mind so much that I needed to adjust myslef lately. I'm sort of managing day by day. I realise that some days I need to stop and take a rest when I know that I can.

My diet has changed lately. I have a bad reaction to dairy and I am not so keen on food now. I am starting to like different foods (i.e. foods that upset me less). I don't know what's going on with my body. That plus all of the grey hairs popping up. And my brother reminding me constatnyl that I'm going to go as bald as him one day.