Pyhrric victory?

So, on friday I confirmed that I'm working for a month at the Sentinel's legal department. Big relief?

Well when I had the gym class that evening on friday I had an anxiety trigger, which fucked up my emotional ecosystem.

Then came saturday. Did gym classes (felt good), got an assignment for tutoring (good), planned dinner with my mum and family (good), but then the turning point was when instead of fancy gentrification restaurant, we went to this stupid restaurant shithole business where the toilet is a hole in the floor and there were numerous historical food and cleanliness violations in the past 3 years. I had a stomach bug as I ate there and my family were taking the piss out of me as I threw up in the restaurant.

So yeah that kinda coloured my view of the weekend.

Then came sunday. Did some gardening, felt a bad vibe from someone I was there with, but that is more my issue than theirs. I then got home, felt tired as fuck and retired to bed for a few hours. After waking I then did a bit of work, ate a bit and now I realise that I need to do some errands.

It feels weird that getting paid on monday with a big chunk of money from my work in early march and late feb (which is a big relief after hte money worry period of jan-april), I am left with lots more money but lots more continued money worries. I got a 3rd tutoring assignment from the same student. She wanted me to work with her on an essay in french studies (not my subject) because she had such satisfaction from my previous work with her. The worst thing about 3rd year students hiring me a lot, is  that they don't hire me after the 3rd year :p

I'm glad I had the tutoring, but I'm now worried about all the incurred costs of buying clothes and a travelcard etc for the next month.

It's 4:30 and I can't sleep. Worrying about this shit seems to be like something I can't choose. But, if I use some CBT I will find that these worries are not useful right now. I was practicing piano and thinking about mindfulness. There's a lot of stuff that upsets me in life, but it also stops me from doing the things I want to do. I need to be more stoic, more mindful, better able to let go of the things I can't deal with at 4:30am on a monday morning. What I should be doing is letting go and relaxing, going to sleep.

Let go, Conatus. All this stuff I'm worrying about, ...can be resolved. All this stuff that's weighing heavy on me, can be resolved.

Relax.
Relax
Relax

Things I did on friday

• Job search
• Body Attack
• Bought present for mum
• Got placement at sentinel confirmed
• Picked up repaired shoes
• Playlisting
• Bought Jaws harp
• Bought clarinet Mute
• piano practice
• received HC1 form (after much deliberation)
• TV catchup
• shopping -cosmetics and gym gear
• day 5 of 'no takeaway or junk food'

sorieties

Dear Diary,

I got an email about a book called 'why intersectionality still matters' and the person advertising it was from a catholic university in maryland.

Nice move, Catholicism, nice move :)

I have a fuckload to get caught up with today. After badminton I was quite tired and I went to bed without tackling any of my tasks. So I'm doing them now, and it's built up a bit.

Having a big pile of tasks puts me off.

I have to do it one at a time. The problem with doing it one at a time is the feeling/perception/belief that I'm not doing any of it and that pile is still logn if I do just one item.

That's true, but just do the other, and the other, and the other....

dear diary,

I am trying to spend the next 4 weeks without eating fast food or junk food. I am doing this to put the money that i'd regularly spend into my overdraft. As well as that, I have been monitoring my food over the past week. I am worried about my weight and I really need to lose weight. I am going to lose weight and I am going to aim for 200lbs and maybe more weight loss.

Things I've done today so far:

• email correspondence with PA who I am supposed to cover for next month (but not sure if I'm actually doing that yet)
• Cooking for badminton guys
• went out to get food groceries for badminton guys/went to the shoe smith (is that the proper word?) to repair my heels (for my brogues
• community garden stuff
• codeacademy coding stuff

Things to do still:

• Badminton
• Post badminton eating/socialising
• Don't buy junk food/fast food/avoid snacking*
• non priority tasks

Right now I'm going to go and set up my chrome windows to do my non-priority tasks that will happen after badminton and after i get home. 

etude tableaux

When I was 17 i attempted this piece

It was a demon to me

It represented all of my flaws

I could never master it

I decided to give up on the piece and it represented my absolute limit

Realising my absolute limit had an impact on my mind in other aspects of my life

I believed that seeing the end of the horizon of my life that there was no where else to go

No other barriers to beat

As such I lived without bothering to push myself to that extreme

I did push myself

but never with a sense of inner conviction

That feeling of disappointment and limitation perpetuated itself

Today I challenged that thought

Today I looked at that d minor etude again

Looking at it again I challenged that boundary I put on myself

Yes it’s hard,

but I can’t give up

I’m still 17 in my mind, still trying to defeat this piece

Still sitting in front of my rickety old piano

Trying to resolve those inner demons

Trying to face that inner doubt

Trying to push my boundaries again

Like Icarus flying to the sun

Things I've done on monday:

• Clarinet practice
• Piano practice
• Archiving
• Sister and brother in law visiting
• Went to get takeout
• Paid in from sentinel
• Neighbour and brotehr also came over
• Reading magazines
• Sent application to sentinel
• Set task to pay in money to second bank account
• GCal catchup

dear diary

got my paycheck from the sentinel today.

I have decided to pay £25 a week into my bank account (with the overdraft). I am going to set myself a task, for both motivation and practical reasons: no junk food or takeaway for 4 weeks - this is my way of saying I need to stop eating that shit, and this is also a practical measure to say that I very much need to save that money that I would otherwise spend on junk to pay off that overdraft.

I'm going to try and be serious about this - and I know with my mind I'll try to cheat or find some kind of background or exploit to this.

review of the week:

Priority Schema/targets to achieve

1. 5 fitness sessions
2. 0 applications
3. 0 interviews

Non-Priority Schema targets

1. Advanced on Voltaire
2. 3 musical sessions
3. 4 new and unfamiliar situations:
1. Daytime shift at Shambly annex
2. Planning for garden event and taking charge)
3. assignment at Sunday Sentinel
4. Wrote copy (which appeared on the sunday paper!)

Observations/grey targets

1. 0 Anxiety Days
2. 2 Fatigue days
3. 1 Stupour Days
4. 0 Low Days
5. 3 + 1 paid work days

dear diary,

easter monday today.

did lots of family stuff.

then i practiced piano and clarinet

practiced rachmaninov - the demon of my mind

disbturbed sleep

dear diary,

went to work on saturday, perhaps my last day there. I wrote a bit of copy, i was asked to do it on the way to the office on email. It ended up showing on the sunday sentinel! I even bought a copy today just to see it appearing :D

As well as that...what else? umm, i went to the garden, did some stuff. I also found out that cute garden redhead follows me on twitter. Also found out she's married. That explains how her email is one name and another on her blog.

After garden I ate, crashed to bed and then ate again.

As far as easters go, event ful and not eventful.

I don't know how many other people have copy on major national and international newspapers (squee joy).



Now I need to sleep. I also found there's a job that expires at the end of today (monday) that I really should apply to.

Dear Diary,

It's good friday.

The ultimate day of catholicness. It's a quiet one today. I always have a saying that it rains on good friday.

I'm wearing my winter jacket a bit lately. I am quite enamored by it. I wear it over a light shirt.

I might go for a walk today. I think I need it.

I need to get some mr clean magic eraser.

Things that are on my mind:

• I still have strogn sexual feelings for Marie 
• I am monitoring my weight a lot lately
• I need to do some job applications
• anxious about work tomorrow at the sunday sentinel

Oh did I mention, I got one day of work at the sunday sentinel tomorrow.

dear diary,

how ever i washed my clothes recently, it is ineffective. i can smell sweat on my clean white shirts. it's disgusting.

On the plus side, its an impeccable crispness

Dear Diary,

it's been 3 years since my piano teacher died. my life has changed a bit since finding out in terms of music. I want it to change more.

But I'm glad that I am playing the piano again, and the clarinet. And playing in ensembles...I feel like I am myself in these circumstances.

Dear Diary,

I've just had a chat with 'the activist' girl on skype. She really opens me up and makes me kind of emotional about things...but in a good way. It's 2am (ish) now and I should go to bed. Here's a summary of my day this tuesday

1. Did tutoring assignment
2. got paid for tutoring assignment
3. garden stuff
4. applied glue to piano (necessary task)
5. Archiving
6. Job searching
7. Piano practice
8. post-badminton dinner
9. sent off event shifts
10. tv catchup
11. badminton

An 11 activity day - I didn't even account for those 2 malta's that I had. God I love malta, it is like if maltesers were a drink.

Things I've done today:

• Applied glue to piano key that was broken
• Archiving
• Piano practice
• Received payment for tutoring assignment
• Did some garden planning stuff
• Sent Event shift availability for Shambly arena
• TV Catchup

Things I have yet to do:

• Job searching
• Badminton
• Post Badminton hanging out
• Tutoring assignment
• Job searching

Dear Diary,

I have a weird craving for supermalt lately.

In other news. I'm finding it hard to take the recycling and landfill waste out. My brain feels fried.

Dear Diary,

I sent off my shift availability (events) for may. That determines how much I get paid over June, which in turn lasts me until July.

July, as you remember, is the 'dry month' for events, as is August. Actually, august is the 'dead' month.

I should remember that before I make any rash expenses. I need to remember that I need a job ASAP to cover for that period of time in which I will have little money.

I need to save religiously because I am low in cash, and I will be lower in cash come August.

Fuck
Fuck
Fuck

one of my tasks that i set yesterday was to earmark a 4 day weekend (reflecting easter). This has a result of making the next few days quite busy.

I have to get this shit done..in an economic way- in an economy of time.

dear diary,

I am using google keep much more efficiently lately. I have a fuckload of things to do, but I'm just going to do it one at a time. I can hear my mum sayign what needs to be done in the background, and I've just added to my list and I'll get to it eventually.

Deae diary,

Im writing this on the tube to work. I wanted to say that i am at a stage where im on top of my schedule so long as i am single mindedly on it. I set gcal to look ahead 7 days and ive already done the stuff ive earmarked for a lot of thw next few days except for job applying.

Im not saaying this to sit on my laurels but rather it makes me feel more confident and less asperery...or is that the same as laureling?

I am currently micromanaging my days ahead and future tasks

(this was written on the tube yesterday)

Dear Diary,

I got on with my tasks with complete concentration today. It was amazing. From about 2-3pm to now, except for a few food breaks, one wank and playing tablet games a little bit, I managed to do it all for today.

Now comes next week. Working tomorrow. Hopefully can do some reading at work tomorrow.

dear diary,

Watching breaking bad, getting some reading material for my tablet. Feeling a little overwhelmed. I should start to think about work tomorrow. Firstday in 2 weeks?


Mild anxiety. I miss chatting to activist girl -- i guess I got overly attached to her. I don't want to be. Got to stand on my own.

Did some good gardening today. Pollen was high though.

i once had a traumatic job interview.

it still haunts me.

These are one of the things that I feel too afraid to admit to myself by writing on this blog.

Archiving right now. I've set a lot to do for myself. Archiving is inextricably linked to many other tasks, as such I am trying to develop new ways to innovate about that. Archiving my screenshots and pitures is also a way of trying to set more artists on my spotify playlists upcoming

I am watching a bit of content from The Sentinel website, and I am thinking to myself, behind this content there's a story behind it, a story that involves me solving their problems

Dear Diary,

I had a task to do just earlier, to change the tags of some of my blog (not this one). However what I did was go to the last page (from 2008), I saw the titles of the posts and it seemed embarrassing, so I just deleted them.

Right now I am re-adjusting some of my regular tasks on google calendar

Dear Diary,

Since about maybe Thursday I've been trying to get rid of about 300 starred blog and other items on feedly. I've just finished it an hour ago. I also found that they have gotten rid of an unusual bug on feedly.

Reading those blogs is quite therapeutic for me. Having those blogs on my backlog (b-log, if you will) has been a bit of a burden on my mind. Have you ever had that kind of thing that is a niggling task that you just ignore? The feedly blog is one of them. The spunk stains on my bedroom wall are another, the receipts in the box next to my desk is another, the broken laptop that I can't afford to replace is yet another.

I guess when you list them like that I did the most minor one. Well I say minor, many of the minor tasks on the backlog are the ones that don't get done. Because they are minor.

I did other things today. I did a double gym session and I did some tv catchup.

Now its 1am and I aim to go to bed.

Dear Diary,

I have been seeing some of my friends from university on various emails and conferences and things. They are mostly postdocs and lecturers when they do get mentioned. The future of academia, the present of young talent as well. Good for them. I am really impressed at the things they have managed to achieve. Good for them.

I got up a bit later than usual today. I am up now, and I am going to try and get things done today. Try and do my best with my situation...try and push myself and ...improve my situation.

Really impressed at those guys. One of my friends from uni who I keep in regular contact with is on his second postdoc, this time in the UK.

Not feeling well at the moment.

My head feels...jumbled. I feel a stupour. I've attempted to get stuff done this thursday but I ended up sleeping/resting in the evening as a way of trying to recover.

Yesterday (wednesday) I did some tutoring, I was walking through clapham (an area I don't know so well particularly) and the heat was quite strong for me. I sweated a bit but more it was making me expire more energy to keep it all together. Then I walked a bit to the discussion group in a nearby south london location.

According to mapmyrun, I walked nearly 7 miles yesterday.

Today (thursday), i did a big job search, applied to a job, checked my bank balance (money, woohoo). Then I started feeling...dizzy, depressed, unmotivated.

I'm trying to keep motivated at the moment. Spent since about 9pm reading magazines on my tablet.

Things are feeling a bit hard at the moment. I feel like there's less to fight for and less chance of success in my life. I feel like there's less hope for me and I can't win this fight for life.

I had some triggers lately...

perhaps it might be a good idea to talk about them. but at the moment, they feel very strong and very sore.

dear diary,

it's 1430. I've only been doing stuff properly today since about midday. I've sent off a PhD application (yes, quick I know) and a job application (for a PA at government department). In addition I have been emailing for the past hour a potential tutoring client. Which is nice.

I've got some reading to do on tuesday and probably today for this tutoring assignment.

So in summary, the past 2.5 hours have consisted of:

• PhD application
• Job application
• Receiving tutoring assignment

I need to have a lunch break now! Bit dizzy

the party

last night (saturday night) there was a party that I went to.. people from the discussion group were there but most of the other people I didn't know. So what happened was that at the start of the party I was't very good at mingling and then later on in the night i started talking to more and more people and then it turned out that one guy (let's call him 'psychiatrist man') brought his fancy expensive guitar and he jammed in front of a fire. I brought up that I had my clarinet  other musical instrument along.

We played a lot and it turned out that I felt quite popular, and people wanted me to sit with them in the circle. Instead I sat outisde the circle and played for my own personal indulgence. I was harmonising and I feel it is a very fun exercise.

I had a lot of chats, various mingling. I was offered weed (declined) and I made my way home. Sunday was a hangover and I went to the cinema. I've been on my feet doing something or other this weekend...I guess this is what living life should be.

In my week review I have not done as many 'new' situations as I have in past weeks. Perhaps related fact is that I haven't been at work this week. Next week is a similar situation

dear diary,

busy weekend. a sociable weekend. I had a lot of social contact, which is nice.

Something weird is happening...'activist girl' and i are chatting a lot...and the relationship sort of mirrors the one with Marie.

It's like...she expressses her negativity and dread, and I express mine...and we sort of soak in it together.

I don't think it's healthy. I also find it to be...attractive.

I should avoid listening to that inner nature of myself. I should make a new inner nature. I don't have room to sabotage my life.

Anyway I wrote this so I can now get rid of that negative thought

dear diary,

i'm listening to a podcast about autism and the workplace. It's upsetting me.

I am going to lay down in bed and accept that I feel a bit low. I might try to multitask and read some comics or magazines or feedly.

Dear Diary,

I woke up intermittently today...but I only properly got up at 3pm. My body feels wrecked right now. I wish I knew why.

It might be that I've done 5 hours of fitness related activities this week, or it might just be that laziness begets laziness.

I feel like I need to do something constructive but my brain is slow right now.

Last night, my friend from the garden that i've called 'activist girl' told me that we had a mutual friend from the past...but turns out she was a sexual predator. I feel a big head fuck about it and it's really weird how she and I have this link through someone else.

Activist girl and I have messaged a lot lately. It's weird bercause she sort of reminds me of someone inside me. Or at least, one of many options.

I checked my weight today. I've not checked in al ong time. Turns out that I am 20lbs heavier. That's not good. I would like to lose 40lbs, ideally 60lbs. In a real world situation that would have to take about a year of losing a lb a week to do. I don't usually go on the weighing measurements.

I'm also thinking that some of it is muscle mass...but not that belly...maybe 60lbs is a tall order to lose weight (might even lose muscle). But I do want to lose fat. I'd love to be the weight of dwayne johnson, but with the muscles of dwayne johnson.

Anyway. Better get on with something else.

ACTIVITY SUMMARY for JAN 1 - MAR 31

78 workouts 78 routes 202.08 miles 66.8 hours 28147 kcal burned

dear diary,

I am ...(stupour pause as my brain freezes).

Let me start that again.

I woke up at 9:30am today, got up properly about 11am. I have been doing a touch of housework this morning-afternoon. I can't believe it's nearly 2pm already! I also tidied up a lot of clothes from my sock drawer. Some of those underpants needed to be put into retirement.

In other news. I did some spinning yesterday, my butt hurts quite a lot. As a gym instructor used to say to me 'it hurts my lady bits too much'. I feel the same way. It hurts my lady bits a lot, it hurt lady bits that I didn't even know I had. But totally worth it, to think about the body I might get from it.

Dear Diary,

This tuesday, I did a fair amount today.

I'm glad.

I just hope that wednesday is the same.

I just looked at my working hours for April. Looks like I have only 2 shifts. That's desperately bad. One would hope that I could...do more or do better. It's up to me right now and in these days to make it better...I envisage the interviews, finding opportunities for myself and bettering my status quo.

I've got a lot to fight this month. And realising that makes me realise that I have a lot to fight for. I need to fight for my life, even if it isn't as successful or cool as my friends.

It's 20 past midnight and I feel like it's 3am or something I might spend the rest of tonight working on my magazines and comics. The irony of last week (and the week before) is that I had no time to do anything. Now I'm getting more done and according to my calendar I don't have enough to do (I bet that's inaccurate, though).

Onwards.

Things I've done today:

1. Audiobook catchup 
2. Newspaper/magazine catchup
3. Archiving
4. Job Search
5. Sent off HC1 form
6. did a job application through agency
7. Did another job application 
8. Sent off my timesheet from last week

Things I'm going to do:

1. Badminton
2. (post badminton?)
3. send off HC1 form (for prescription fee exemption)

Perhaps I could say to myself: this isn't too bad..but the day isn't done yet. It's beautiful weather outside and I am listening to the music of Jelly Roll Morton. It's nice, it is quaint and i feel like I'm connecting with something inside myself. 

Dear Diary,

I swallowed that egg. I sent off the media monitoring job to the department of health. Can I rest on my laurels now? Probably not, but I do have some respite for not having to do that again for a while yet.

What's next? I could just catch up on less priority stuff.

dear diary,

trying to get on with my tasks for today. I started around 11am today. Not with the best motivation in mind. I am now trying to...get on with things.

At the moment working on a job application, that I don't really want to write. But I'm forcing myself to. Once I do it I will have swallowed my egg for today....hopefully. I swallowed an egg yesterday. At least once a day. I think that I might have to swallow more than one on some days...if I can.

In other news...I'm having weird flashbacks to the past. Things like the corridors in the arts block at bristol university, or the refrectory back in 2004. I'm feeling a little haunted by it.

I have to just push on.

Dear Diary,

I thought I might say in this blog a revelation that I've had inside myself that has been growing for the past few days. There's something that happens inside my feelings and my mind lately that affects me in a really strong yet inexplicable way. I was trying to find the words to explain it until just now: I am experiencing triggers.

I hate that word. It reminds me of a past that I experienced in the 2000s. But the truth is, I still have triggers. The triggers are different to what I used to have and they are for different reasons. What is for sure though is that they are affecting me and they have potential for me to exhibit avoidant behaviour.

There's a friend on fetlife that I message who says that I should write about these things and it might help me. I can write about the things that are worrying me. Write about them again and again until they lose relevance to me or some other issue affects me. Actually that's not what he actually said but I'm doing a 'zizek' interpretation right now (eisegesis)

I wrote in an email to another person that my memories are definitely part of me but they don't have to define me. The old cogs and fears in my mind are the furniture that I have to work with at the oment but it is certainly the case that I may have new mental furniture. For now, I have to work with what I've got.

It's 1:30 right now and I'm sitting on my desk typing. I am hoping that as I write through these diarific thoughts that I might have some big epiphany that will sort out how I feel and sort out and resolve my approach and attitude to life. A part of me knows also that such a thing is not possible.

Dear Diary,

Monday was my first 'desk day' in a long time. My concentration was not at its best. I decided to take monday off the gym routine as I fetl tired and I resolved that I could make up my gym quota through the other 6 days of the week.

My body feels tired. My mind feels tired. On that note, my shoulder on the right side feels weak and injured. However I know that i cannot let these things rule me too much. I need to give myself some rest and respite, but not too much.

So in the past few hours I've been catching up on newspapers, which is fun. I have lots of other shit that I need to do through the day and lots of tasks. I just have to get on with it.

I'm behind on archiving my photos. At the moment I was archiving a photoset from Feb 2014 (before my parents flew off) where I was getting rid of my laptops from the 2000s era. Those laptops represented my transition from sixth form to university years. That was basically a decade ago now. Not to say that I am holding those memories closely to me but it does strike me to see the things that I clutched on to as so important that are now junk waste to me.

I'm also thinking about how 2000s things are like a cliche or an ideosyncracy. In particular I think about the tv series Peep show, which has increasingly different meaning to me. Some of the episodes have aged and dated a bit, but the essence of the show (Mark Corrigan and Jez Usbourne's lack of success) have haunting significance to me.

Anyway, back to work...or whatever it is im doing.