being tested for aspergers

Dear Diary,

So today I went to the Psychologist. Doctor was asking me about social interactions. She asked me about how I felt about the last session. I mentioned how I read that aspergers people in severe cases need personal care and benefits and stuff, and she said its a spectrum, which means there are those who have very difficult issues in coping with everyday things, then there are those like me. So I did that test that is mentioned in Wired Magazine, I scored a 29, apparently autistic people are technically 32, but 'normal' men are 17. So, that sort of suggests that I may not be officially autistic, but I'm very high on the scale for someone that is 'not autistic'. Then she told me about the other test, which I didn't understand, it was a score of 80 maximum and I got a 21, which apparently means I rate high on autism, particularly for social interactions.

So she asked me to clarify some answers on the test. It was really hard. She was asking me things like if I find eye contact difficult, and to clarify if I prefer being on my own to groups. I gave nuanced answers but were oddly specific that could not be captured in likert scales or vagueness. The psychologist then asked me questions that kind of felt like a mental block. I remember her asking them, but my mind was a complete blank. I just didnt even know how to answer them. It was weird, its like my brain was all racing like a rolls royce, humming and changing gears, and then (to mix metaphors), I had a CTRL+ALT+DEL on my brain and I just couldn't think.

 

I find it difficult even remembering the conversations. I think it was things like: do you have trouble understanding people's moods? Can you tell if someone is sad or happy? (I said, sad yes, happy, no). Doctor psy said that the next appointment will be 1.5 hours long, and she'll hopefully have a conclusion by the end of the session.

I'm scared, not as scared as last time.

 

In other news, I didn't do much today. I went to balance class, at junk food, wanked, wanked again, played avengers, talked to girls online, got invited to meet a girl at oxford and not much else. I could have done more with my day. Maybe it was good to take time off to process shit. Or maybe it would have been good to APPLY TO SOME FUCKING JOBS!