anxiety shits

Dear Diary,

Tough day at the sentinel, but I got to rise to the challenge more. Tomorrow is technically my last day, but one of the sponsorship managers is thinking about extending my assignment time, to coincide with completing the project we are working on. Perhaps more work? 

 

I've just realised. I'll have to eat up savings in September. This is not good. Not good at all. 

 

In other news, aspergers has been on my mind today, so has anxiety. I like working in an office. I like doing challenging things. I like being all commercially valuable and stuff. I feel like I'm trying to be all those things that Guardian Careers likes candidates to have as personal qualities. 

Did the gym after work. I am shattered. Had a pint of beer after I got home. Thought I'd mix things up a bit.

 

I am exhausted. Beyond words. 

I want to say something profound but I can't. 

Maybe some unrelated observations:

• Cute australian girl in front of me makes me laugh
• Sponsorship manager makes me feel scared
• work makes me feel good
• not having money makes me felel bad
• food makes me feel good
• lunch time is the best time of the day
• There are lots of things I don't like about the placement, but its a compromise, that is the stuff of life
• My manager is inviting me out to lunch tomorrow, don't know what this will involve. 

The thing I actually wanted to write about in this blog post: i've made up a new word: anxiety shit. Its when my anxiety is really bad that I need to visit the toilet to expunge my bowels. I had quite a few anxiety shits today, a few anxiety pisses. Coffee doesn't help much. Dehydration doesn't help much either. Hydration obviously doesn't help. Nothing helps, I just have to grin and bear it.

I need help with my anxiety. I desperately do. I wish I could be without the anxiety shit. I feel one coming just thinking about it.

 

I've been re-living memories lately, uni stuff. Its scaring me. It's making me feel sad, in another way, its making me confront them as if to say goodbye to the pain that it caused. Perhaps when I re-live these memories lately, I am saying to myself: I'm moving on now. My life is different.

 

In other news, community garden stuff and community food event is picking up. It's kinda busy on that front. I am just an observer at the moment with that.

 

I better go the fuck to bed.