according to my records the money won't properly go in until the 10th of october. this is not helpful. This is because august was so quiet. Fuck me, its weird thinking in the long view like that. I guess that's adulthood for you. 

I'm in a badway for money this month. This is not good. Not fucking good. I'm going to be as tight as I can with money. It doesn't help that travel costs so much.

 

The irony is that the more I'm going to be earning this month, the more its going to cost me. Surely working is supposed to help me make money. I'm not happy with everything being so costly these days. 

dear diary

last day of placement (perhaps?)

 

so hungry, so tired, so everything. 

 

at least I had a shit and came this morning. Not at the same timen of course. I had a good orgasm, i rocked against my bed and breathed heavy, felt like i was floating. 

 

I have been channelling mia around lately. I think things are a bit of a strain. I hope that I can make things work with my life. Right now, Money is the problem I need to solve...

 

Gotto get on it. I'm rushing all the time this week.

anxiety shits

Dear Diary,

Tough day at the sentinel, but I got to rise to the challenge more. Tomorrow is technically my last day, but one of the sponsorship managers is thinking about extending my assignment time, to coincide with completing the project we are working on. Perhaps more work? 

 

I've just realised. I'll have to eat up savings in September. This is not good. Not good at all. 

 

In other news, aspergers has been on my mind today, so has anxiety. I like working in an office. I like doing challenging things. I like being all commercially valuable and stuff. I feel like I'm trying to be all those things that Guardian Careers likes candidates to have as personal qualities. 

Did the gym after work. I am shattered. Had a pint of beer after I got home. Thought I'd mix things up a bit.

 

I am exhausted. Beyond words. 

I want to say something profound but I can't. 

Maybe some unrelated observations:

• Cute australian girl in front of me makes me laugh
• Sponsorship manager makes me feel scared
• work makes me feel good
• not having money makes me felel bad
• food makes me feel good
• lunch time is the best time of the day
• There are lots of things I don't like about the placement, but its a compromise, that is the stuff of life
• My manager is inviting me out to lunch tomorrow, don't know what this will involve. 

The thing I actually wanted to write about in this blog post: i've made up a new word: anxiety shit. Its when my anxiety is really bad that I need to visit the toilet to expunge my bowels. I had quite a few anxiety shits today, a few anxiety pisses. Coffee doesn't help much. Dehydration doesn't help much either. Hydration obviously doesn't help. Nothing helps, I just have to grin and bear it.

I need help with my anxiety. I desperately do. I wish I could be without the anxiety shit. I feel one coming just thinking about it.

 

I've been re-living memories lately, uni stuff. Its scaring me. It's making me feel sad, in another way, its making me confront them as if to say goodbye to the pain that it caused. Perhaps when I re-live these memories lately, I am saying to myself: I'm moving on now. My life is different.

 

In other news, community garden stuff and community food event is picking up. It's kinda busy on that front. I am just an observer at the moment with that.

 

I better go the fuck to bed. 

first day of placement

dear diary,

so I had the interview yesterday. I got there on time, I'd like to think the interview went well. I wasn't really bothered afterwards. I just felt sweaty and hot. After the interview I went to Croydon station to get to work, heading off to the Sentinel. Lately I've been thinking about train stations. I like travelling. I like going to new places. 

So I went to the placement afterwards. I had some extra time so I went to M&S nearby. I didn't manage to eat the food I got until after the day. Once I got to the office it was really full-on. I was doing events related work. Much different to the sort of thing I do at shambly arena. I was calling lots of people, trying to find their contact details and emailing invitations to events to various people. 

I was really in the deep end yesterday. Baptism of fire. I think the other people in the office acknowledged this. Some scary shit. Really, scary, shit. By about 5pm I could feel my resolve weakening. I was exhausted by the end of the day. I went home fatigued, I couldn't go to the gym. As it happens, bythe time body balance class finished yesterday I was in bed about to sleep. I had a wank after I got home, I ate my sandwich and M&S crisps as I walked home (like a dog) and then I bought a maple and pecan pastry, which I havent' eaten yet. 

I slept for about 10 hours. I just went down like a bullet (what is with these similes). I am still feeling tired. When the 7am alarm went off, I thought to myself: just another hour please! I had a bath, the bath I was suppsoed to have last night (so my hair would dry by today). Now I'm listening to the Today Programme on Radio 4 to find out about the Syria situation. It's really sad what's going on there. 

 

I had lots of anxiety moments yesterday. I would rather not talk about them right now. It really was a baptism of fire. I feel like they were testing me. I would like to think they were pleased at my work. That said, it was really hard. Today is another day, and more of the same. That's what I fear. So much harder than the previous assignment. I have to think about the money. Thats what has to motivate me. So fucking tired. This will be hard earned cash. Its 3.5 days work, but its like a month of working in events. 2 months of pay coming this october. I know august has been slow on work, and I know that. 

 

I've got to get the train in like 10 minutes...need to hurry.

I'll try and post tomorrow. 

metatask

Dear Diary, I am trying to schedule my next few days. 

 

The plan will go something like:

 

Monday: Go to Hampshire with my boys

Tuesday: Interview, go to work, Work, go to gym, go home, metatasks

Weds: Go to work, work, go to gym, go home, metatask

Thurs: Go to work: work: go to gym, Go home, metatasks

Frdi: Go to work, work, go to gym, go home, metatasks

 

The metatasks are different each day,I have marked them each day. Most of them are 'minor'. I have a few metatasks to do today. My firend invited me to stay over at his tonight, so we can all head off to Hampshire together. Also, I have put in the whole 'go to work' and 'go to gym' as a double task. As I embark upon the travel, I will do some reading, read a book, catch up on Read-ability articles (that's an app on my phone). That will mean my multitasking will be put to the max. 

I have to do it in a planned, sequential and organised way. Is that an aspie thing to say? Who knows. Anyway I am sort of looking forward to next week. My friend is pressuring me to go to his flat right now, but I got other shit to do right now. Not least, plan. Okay, so I think I've planned much of the next few days. What I need to do is metatasks, then pack, then go to my mate's house then I need to do a background check and research for my interview on Tuesday, at his house. 

 

You know sometimes I think to myself: how do I appear to other people? I make so much of my own training, all the gym stuff, piano stuff, learning stuff. I wish social interactions I could train for. I am going to try and do things now. Metatask things. 

so tomorrow. I have a bucket list of things to do. I better just get on with them. One of them is researching where I'm going for the interview,  other boring things. I might try doing it now. No time like the present. I might pass out in the process. At least Im doing it during a noble venture.

Dear Diary,

 

Days like these make me wonder why I have this blog.

 

Not that I find this blog unhelpful, but the person that I write about (me) is so vastly different to how I acted today. I was with family, I had a really good time. I was thinking about my aspergers today, I was thinking about 'is this an aspie thing to say?' or 'what should I talk about next?' kind of thing. 

 

Then I had lots of fun. I made my family laugh. I made kids smile, I made kids laugh. I made adults laugh, I talked to my bro Merv and we talked about girls, and I politely said to him I don't think women should be treated like bitches and I don't always go around perving, although I do sometimes. 

 

Then there was the inflatable bouncy castle. oh that was fun. I did some aikido rolls and lots of jumping and pushing and more rolling. I still feel dizzy, its quite a buzz. Days like these make me feel like someone else. Someone that isn't mired in shitness. I was having the same conversation with people about' how are you' when they asked me.

 

I told them: work has been quiet this month, but things are picking up next week, I have a job interview and I am working two jobs right now. 

Erm, so since the past post. I got noticed from the recruitment consultant that I can start from 12:30, and its 3 and a half days (almost 4) working at the Sentinel's event's team. 

 

I had a celebratory wank, and now I'm thinking about what is next. What is next?

 

Well...Scheduling now. I've got to schedule it all now. I've got to schedule my week.

That's the hard decision one has to make in this age

Dear Diary,

 

So the consultant that cancelled my assignment was all like 'I'm definitely going to put you forward for the next assignment'. Then I get an email: can you do tuesday-friday? 

Unfortunately, I can't. I was thinking about this.

Tuesday is when I have the interview. Would I be willing to cancel the interview to do some work at the Sentinel? 

I had to think about this and I decided, no, no I wouldn't. 

 

I know what you are thinking, in terms of probabilities the likelyhood of getting this job at the media company is low. Probably 15%. Chance of getting some £ if I accepted the assignment...certain. I need to make gambles. I am gambling on an interview for full time work, and cancelling on a 3 day assignment of admin. 

If I took the assignment, I would be burning a bridge to a potential job. If I didn't take the assignment (which I didn't), I am missing out on cash that I really do need. 

 

That's the hard decisions one has to make in this age

Aspergers Syndrome in 'Arthur'

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s9eATBV-_lg 

so today I did the following:

• CXworx class
• Body Attack
• Interview invitation
• Failed attempt to get assignment at sentinel
• Recieved September shifts
• weight training
• draft of book review
• read some comics

 

Now I wank

so I got my shifts for September, an assignment in late august for one day, and an interview next month.

 

As I was writing that sentence the assignment literally got cancelled. I don't mind though, in the sense that I am glad they are still contacting me. I do have low standards.

 

I was chatting with Doctor friend yesterday afternoon, and she said that the doctors should have identified my spergers when I was younger, but they didn't. In a way I am curious why it wasn't diagnosed as a problem 

I am trying to catch up with all the stuff going on right now with my calendar...one step at a time.

dear diary,

 

Lots of shit is happening really quickly. I'm trying to take it in my stride.

• Just been invited to an interview
• Scheduling my Shifts for September
• Scheduling my 'assignment' with the Sentinel

dear diary, 

 

got up. wanked a lot. in the space of wanking, I got my shifts for september, I got another assignment at the Sentinel (AFTER SO MUCH FUCKING WAITING!) and also an interesting comment on my (non-conatus) blog!

 

Lunch time now. I seemed to have achieved a lot in a space of a wank. My balls hurt now.

Things I did yesterday

Things I did yesterday:

• Archiving
• GP appointment - turns out I have no real problem with my shoulder, although there is pain
• Purchased MicroUSB (arrived this morning)
• Job Search
• Sent 7 applications
• Badminton

So that possibly counts as a '12' but lets say that was 6 things I did that day.

I'm kind of glad. 

I woke up about 2 hours ago, I was really full on yesterday and my brain was overloaded by the end of it all. Anyway, I better carry on at a slower pace today. I'm doing email catch up today.

 

one thing about being around mum and dad so much is that there are things i see about their lives. Today is Eileen's birthday, of course she's dead, but on this day we remember her life, maybe the birthday she might have had. Today is also my uncle's anniversary, its' nearly 20 years now since he died. I think of his kids, my cousin, on a day like this. Must be hard for them. It's been so much of their lives without him. 

I think that despite the sunny weather of this day, there is a dark cloud hanging over the family at the moment.

 

In other news, I've sent a fuckload of applications, done my job searching. Might take a break. 

 

Oh fuck, I forgot something. I can't remember what time the psychologist appointment was. 

dear diary,

Lots of people competing for my time this weekend. I can't do them all. Things I have supposedly planned:

 

• Volunteering with kids (cancelled this just now)
• Cousin invited me to birthday party (not sure if I'll go yet)
• Weekend with the boys - I've sort of done this already two weeks ago

You can't make everyone happy, you have got to turn people down sometimes.

 

dear diary,

 

got up about 9am, had a long shit.

Went to GPs about 9:35, appointment at 10:02, appointment ended like 3 mintues later. Turns out after months of waiting, I don't technically have a problem with my shoulder, then why does it hurt?

Got home, I had an extended lunch, watched tv. I've put my clothes in the wash, did the dishes. 

God, the things I do to distract myself from the work I need to do!

 

Onwards.

Dear Diary,

Today I did the following:

• Garden stuff
• Gym session
• Felt tired
• Catch up on a few RSS articles

The lido plan fell through. I should have known she would cancel for some reason. It's okay, I had enough that day to do.

Right now I have lots of negative feelings welling up in me. I wish they would go away. Tomorrow (or today) I have an aspergers assessement, hopefully the last one. 

 

story of my life

 

Things that made me rethink my original opinions:

1. Was watching 'Armageddon' a few nights ago. There's a scene at the beginning where Liv Tyler's character says to Bruce Willis's character something like 'I know you have something-something' and that affected your ability to be a parent, and I accept that'. I always interpreted that to be something about him having an intellectual disability when I was younger and saw the film. Turns out, I watched the film and what was said is something like 'I know you have a natural immaturity', which is more of an insult than a point about intellectual disability. I kind of feel disappointed. Was hoping Bruce Wills' character had a condition that she was being understanding about, instead she's cussing him.
2. Watched a video interview on youtube with Jason David Frank, he said how he's not trying to plug his stuff and how Cons are all about people making money and he loves the fans, and mentions a Christian clothing line, and I thought he was talking about Nakia Burrise (btw, these actors are power ranger actors from the past). Turns out, after I listened to the video again, he was plugging a Christian MMA line in that video. My world view confused
3. At the garden today, really pretty girl. She gave me advice about project management. Turns out she's really intelligent, knows her shit about project management and consultancy stuff...she should be my mentor with how much she knows. I think its a sign of my sexism that I did not assume she would be a really awesome project manager. Also the fact that I focussed on how its the second time I've seen her perfect round small brown nippples through that white shirt of hers. Being a pervert undermines my ability to successfully and respectfully communicate with women. 

...as you do, when you have a dream about a transit van train going to cornwall

Dear Diary,

Had a dream last night that made no sense. I was in north london trying to get home and I didn't know naything about the train line. It was an area I've never been before, and I tried to get home. I then went on any train, one of the trains happened to be a transit van and I was at the front with a pretty girl with short hair. The girl was flirting with me and then it went sexual, and I noticed the transit van/train had no driver and it was going to the eden project in cornwall. I then had to tell her I was getting off on the first stop at New Malden, which is nowhere near home but the closest place. That dream made no sense, why would a transit van train from an unknown place in north london end up going to cornwall? Other places in the train line seemed non sensical, not least the fact that the train was a transit van people carrier.

Oh, and that a girl could ever be into me romantically/sexually. 

 

When I woke up I thought to myself: i wonder if aspergers is the reason I find interactions difficult...as you do, when you have a dream about a transit van train going to cornwall

Dear Diary, 

A lot of my time has been around the Gym lately. I feel like I have pain and unresolved feelings inside me, and I can't resolve them anywhere. I can't find anything in the world that can take these problems away. The only way I can find some kind of respite is pushing my body at the gym. 

I'm going to do just that later on tonight. I better check the opening times though.

Pensees of the day

1. So as soon as thursday came, it emerged to me that thursday/friday are the moments when most people realise the phenomenon that is British Summer has passed the half way point. This means its all downhill from here
2. I'm feelnig depressed a bit already, at tthe oncoming of autumn.
3. Today I cancelled on my morning gym plan. I'll go in the evening instead. I am often so obsessed with routine, I need to prove to myself that I don't have to follow it all the time.

With that in mind I am going to the gym later. Tomorrow I'm planning to swim at the lido

Dear Diary,

Had a minor anxiety moment that knocked me for six last night. It was about the blogging app that I use. I must admit that ScribeFire is very helpful for me because it is easy to access and post my blog thoughts. Without it I feel like I have less expression. Turns out that when I reinstalled FireFox, Scribefire didn't work on my second blog (not this one), and that's pissed me off a bit.

In other news I shouldn't have spent so much money at nandos comfort eating last night. On the plus side they did give me two half chickens - although one was undercooked.

I've been trying to make my wordpress blog work with scribefire but its being all fucky. I'm really fucking frustrated

Test

I re-installed firefox due to it being buggy. I installed the following add-ons

 

• Scribefire
• Yoono
• Readability
• Stumbleupon
• Evernote

Is that really necessary to have so many?

Dear Diary,

 

I know I've made this blog semi-anonymous. That can be hard sometimes. I am really proud of some people in Edinburgh right now who are performing some fringe theatre, with some stuff that I created as a small part of it. It's definitely a small part, but I am very proud of them. Even if I don't like them so much as people. Very proud.

In other news, I might go swimming after the garden on sunday.

Catching up on blogs right now.

Dear Diary,

I've gotten an email about a potential temp role. I may get a change to work in an admin role for a few days. That will give me a bit of very welcome cash. It will be over september. I just gave my shifts in for shambly today as well...maybe this means I'll get some working hours. Perhaps this will make up for a quiet August.

Then again, it doesn't really...I'm just happy to get whatever I can when it comes to money.

Whatever, I'll see how this goes.

Got another 'On this Day (2004)', it says:

 

You recieved an official offer from UCAS to undergraduate degree in xxx and xxx

 

Today I was thinking. Sometimes I act like a Wilson to someone's House, trying to explain to them how someone they percieve is irrational is not so. I'm a wilson they can trust. I think those 'House's' are autism/spectrum people. The woman at the garden who is socially inept particularly, I think she has a lot of mental health issues. I know she's difficult at times, she's very opinionated. Not enough women in the world who are strongly opinionated on green issues. I think its fair to say we disagree on things, but in the most polite way possible.

As soon as I see 'on this day' notices, I delete them for the day. Today I did a triple session at the gym. I feel like that's the only kind of validation I can find. Until I find work, but that's not getting so well.

I'm hungry as fuck right now. My dad's coughing a lot. It's worrying me.

Anyway, off to bed.

I can't be all about the routine sometimes.

Things I've done today:

• Catch up on blogs
• Job searching
• Carried on with book review
• Did screening questionaire for job I applied to yesterday

Going to do:

• CXWORX class
• Body Combat
• Body Attack

So today perhaps counts as a 7. I haven't done the gym in 2 days. I've been 'resting'. My body and mind didn't feel right for it. I did quite appreciate the break. I like a break from routine. I can't be all about the routine sometimes.

Dear Diary,

Somethign is upsetting me. I work for someone who has a reputation for um...being against something, ut they are actually ...doing it themselves. I signed a contract that says I can't say specifics. But It fucking makes me angry

Dear Diary,

It's that day I have hated sever since 2005. Results day for 'a' level. I felt that I wish everything could have changed since then in a different way.

Anyway, no time for dwelling, i need to shit.

8 is enough.

Dear Diary,

 

Things I did today:

• Archiving/read a comic
• Fatigue
• Feedback to a song I recieved/Garden stuff
• Piano practice
• Advanced on book review (I seem to always be doing a book review)
• 3 job applications
• - -
• ----

Didn't go to the gym today, but 8 is enough.

an unexpected and uncomfortable memory

Dear Diary,

 

I found something from my dropbox that I didn't yet archive from January 2013, so I went into Google + to find it, but then I found some old pictures from ....the dark times. I hate how I looked then . I would wish that time never happened. I looked at it to see my face in the pictures. I looked so unhappy, miserable...fat

 

Anyway I found the folder I wanted to upload to so now I'm uploading.

Dear Diary,

 

I've joined an aspergers internet forum. My head is not feeling so good. I feel like laying down in bed. I can't really cope with all this computer light, the light in my bedroom, or lots of sound. It's doing my head in. I might go to bed early. Maybe I'll put some podcasts on, or an audiobook.

Dear Diary,

1 hour on from the last post. Applied to 7 jobs. More to do. But tired.

Need to take a short break maybe. But I haven't got all day. My head's feeling spinny.

Dear Diary,

 

I've managed to tidy up my room a bit. I am currently setting up the windows on my computer in order to do a job search. I am now about to start. I saw on my schedule that there was an 'on this day' for today. I went to see the Expendables cast in Leicester Square, and there were a few olympians there as well. This time last year the olympics ended. Was a very quick couple of weeks back then. I really got motivated into fitness during that period. I'd like to think that pace kept up. I did the gym yesterday, focussed on biceps. I see some kettlebells at the gym. I might learn some kettlebell workouts.

 

Anyway, got work to do. I think I'll have about 3 quality hours of work before I have to head off to badminton.

Onwards.

Dear Diary,

I had some more difficult dreams. Perhaps best not to talk about them. I spent an hour as I woke up feeling miserable. I eventually made it out of bed. I went to my computer and I found some resources about autism and aspergers. It's a bit overwhelming for me to take in. I am reading stuff about what it means to have aspergers and autism, and ways in which people are affected by it. I'm also reading things about how people with autism can be supported by things like low stimulation or 'talking books'.

Its upsetting me. I don't want to have aspergers. I feel like it would change things. I feel like if people knew it would change things. It's another secret to keep.

might be aspergers

Back from psychologist appointment. I don't think I did those questions well. I feel like I was trapped with what they asked me. Psychologist says it looks like I'm in range for autism/aspergers.

So, fuck. That's not welcome news.

In other news, I'm still trying to get over how my mate is having ababy!

Mood Gym

Dear Diary,

So today I may find out if I have aspergers. I'm not really thinking too much about it currently. I am however, thinking a bit about my body and my mind. I've started a CBT based course online called 'Mood Gym'. It's making me think about concepts like how thoughts lead to feelings, and feelings lead to actions. I'm trying to think in that paradigm and some of my thoughts and feelings are really hard to challenge. They are things that feel so fundamental to me that I feel like it would hurt if I let it go.

I'm going to give CBT a go and I really need to be open about this. I really need to challenge those thoughts and beliefs which seem so fundamental but affect my mindset. There's lots of stuff that I remember happening. Perhaps that's why I'm getting all the flashbacks lately. The flashbacks perhaps relate to feelings, which in turn are influencers of my actions. The flashback may be things that were experiences that led to beliefs that in turn effect my present actions.

Karl Popper has this analogy that scientific knowledge and methodology works like a stack in a muddy swamp, more things pile up on it to keep it erect, but at some point the stack will just fall over and then maybe another stack will build up somewhere else or on a different basis.

Time to start my day. I woke up not in the best way.

things i've done today:

 

• Applied to two jobs
• ----
• Piano practice
• Garden stuff
• discussion about weekend plan
• playlisting
• 3 gym classes
• ---
• --

 

Very tired. Not very articulate for speaking right now. I juts had a beer, now for a wank.

Tomorrow iwll be another day.

Dear Diary,

My records say that the riots happened 2 years ago to this day.

What has changed since then? What has changed indeed...

 

Today I am trying to apply to some jobs. There's a weekend plan brewing, but to be honest I can't hold my breath until then. I've just got to get on. Got shit to do today. I am quite hungry though.

in other news. I'm reliving memories again. I don't like that.

being tested for aspergers

Dear Diary,

So today I went to the Psychologist. Doctor was asking me about social interactions. She asked me about how I felt about the last session. I mentioned how I read that aspergers people in severe cases need personal care and benefits and stuff, and she said its a spectrum, which means there are those who have very difficult issues in coping with everyday things, then there are those like me. So I did that test that is mentioned in Wired Magazine, I scored a 29, apparently autistic people are technically 32, but 'normal' men are 17. So, that sort of suggests that I may not be officially autistic, but I'm very high on the scale for someone that is 'not autistic'. Then she told me about the other test, which I didn't understand, it was a score of 80 maximum and I got a 21, which apparently means I rate high on autism, particularly for social interactions.

So she asked me to clarify some answers on the test. It was really hard. She was asking me things like if I find eye contact difficult, and to clarify if I prefer being on my own to groups. I gave nuanced answers but were oddly specific that could not be captured in likert scales or vagueness. The psychologist then asked me questions that kind of felt like a mental block. I remember her asking them, but my mind was a complete blank. I just didnt even know how to answer them. It was weird, its like my brain was all racing like a rolls royce, humming and changing gears, and then (to mix metaphors), I had a CTRL+ALT+DEL on my brain and I just couldn't think.

 

I find it difficult even remembering the conversations. I think it was things like: do you have trouble understanding people's moods? Can you tell if someone is sad or happy? (I said, sad yes, happy, no). Doctor psy said that the next appointment will be 1.5 hours long, and she'll hopefully have a conclusion by the end of the session.

I'm scared, not as scared as last time.

 

In other news, I didn't do much today. I went to balance class, at junk food, wanked, wanked again, played avengers, talked to girls online, got invited to meet a girl at oxford and not much else. I could have done more with my day. Maybe it was good to take time off to process shit. Or maybe it would have been good to APPLY TO SOME FUCKING JOBS!

There are things that scare me, that when I try to avoid it, physically, emotionally, psychologically, becomes bigger in my head.

That's not right.

last weekend a friend was in bristol, asking me places that would be good for a stag party. I gave him some recommendations. I hated the thought of reliving my memories from that era. I did it for him, pretended like I was all cool and savvy. The fact is, university was the worst time of my life.

There I said it.

morning thoughts; end of skins, and more depressing stories

Dear Diary,

Just watched final episode of skins today. Gosh that was really fucking dark. Darker than I ever would have imagined. Great show, though I'm quite glad that it's over, though. IT reminds me so much of the old life.

Yesterday my neighbour (Eileen's husband) sold his car. That car was picked by their son, and that car drove them to rehab when their son was having trouble. That car hid lots of alcohol when Giles (the son) had problems with the alcohol, and decided not to have any booze in the house and Eileen poured it all down the drain calling it evil poison.

Philip (Eileen's husband) is living with those consequences, of the alcoholism and the damage that came after. He's all alone now, and he's sold the car. It's a family car, he has no use for it anymore.

My dad told my yesterday that Vincent, the bipolar guy who is a family friend, is getting progressively worse. Vince has some delusions and he's on heavy medication. Vince is not medically fit to drive. My brother's writing a blog about going off antidepressants. I seem to be surrounded in this dark shit.

Lenore invited me to a puppet workshop thingy today. I couldn't make it. I'm so tired and I have so much to do. I'm thinking to myself right now: I turned her down and I've got to make whatever I do today worth it. I like her company but if I'm turning someone down I better do it for a good reason.

So that's all I have to say this morning.

Onwards

Things I've done today:

• Ultrasound test
• Archiving
• Book review reading
• Garden emailing/tasks

Might do gym later. Feeling tired though. I wonder what Lenore is doing. I would like to do some cardio. I'm feeling lethargic right now. Its also raining, its summer, august 5th 2013 and its fucking raining. I guess that might temper the humidity.

In other news. I might be going on a beach trip on saturday.

So on today's metro there was a scandal story about zero hour contracts and 'geek week' on youtube. Something about both of these irks me. I'm working on two zero hour contracts currently, I guess. I am also irked by 'geek week'. I don't know why. Suddenly geek is synonymous with cool, and many geeks seem to be preseented as cool. That's fair enough, but that is by far not my experience and does not represent me.

Dear Diary,

I'm feeling kind of lonely right now.

I think I might go inside my head and imagine a world of something else...somewhere other than here. Somewhere not lonely...

I'm all about the hairs this summer

Dear Diary,

 

I've got a thick beard again. My arm hair is growing back, I also have very long and thick nose hairs. I'm all about the hairs this summer

Dear Diary,

I found a new app that records my walking through GPS. That way I can streamline the way in which I am able to log my walking data. I have been eating lots of junk lately. Lenore invited me to a puppet workshop on Tuesday. I might go, if I cancel badminton. I like Lenore, I like how she seems to be interested in my wellbeing. I like how she seems to care about me. I like how she seems to want to fix me. I feel like we are starting to be good friends. I feel like she's my manic pixie, or perhaps I am hers. Or perhaps we are just as fucked up as each other and she sees my darkness is like her own.

 

I find that IRL is harder to talk to people than typing. I find this blog is my friend, I know it doesn't talk back to me. Its the only voice that I feel I can be honest with.

Dear Diary,

I watched Forrest Gump. I kind of feell ike him. I can relate to his sense of isolation. I like how he has characters like 'momma' and 'jenny' and 'lt. dan' on his side. I wonder who my crew would be in that respect. I am feeling quite isolated today. I'm also feeling tagieud. This monday I am going to have an ultrasound and then an aspergers assessment.

It's scary.

Dear Diary,

 

This weekend I've been thinking about bayesian nets and terminology about set theory. I can't really explain why, it has just taken my interest, and maybe I'll find it useful in the future.

Dear Diary,

 

I've found a solution to unifrying all my academic papers and my literature searches in a single source. I had to think a long time about it. I have found new ways of archiving. It is a success. It is also a means of being able to read more academic literature

a memory from when i was 10 years old

a sudden memory has come to my mind

It's 1996, or 1997?

I was taking part in a weekend school at a nearby secondary/middle school up the road. I heard it had a 'good' reputation, but my parentes didnt know what a good reputation is. They think brunel university is a good university cos their upwardly mobile friends had a son that went there, but I go to a fucking russell group uni and they don't give a shit.

Anyway, so I'm 10 years old, my brother is picking me up from this saturday school. As I'm walking home, there's a couple who are walking a similar route to us. The man is being verbally abusive to the woman. The woman isn't being resistant to any of it, the man smelled funny, he was carrying a can of beer on his person. That smell later I learned to be of cheap booze. It was a smell that ever since then I associated with that man. At first it was just unfamiliar and like anything unfamiliar, it was a novelty. However it became a scent associated with shame, regret, darkness.

I saw that man a few weeks later, when I was 10, he was sitting around looking very sad. He wasn't so triumphant or aggressive anymore. I never saw an adult so aggressive in public, except when we were racially harassed in public, which was often. Back in the 90s I'd see graffiti that would say stuff like 'Pakis go home'.That word has a certain pain when I see it.

that is all

Dear Diary,

Today I helped my friend clean a sofa and his carpet in the new flat he bought. He bought me lunch. Later that evening I went to visit another friend who was playing at a gig. He bought me fried chicken.

I'm a good friend apparently. I have good friends to me. I would like to think that postivie feelings and actions beget positive consequences. That's not an empirical thesis.

I feel quite tired. I dont want to go to bed. I feel like there's more I should do. I feel like there are demons insdie me that need slaying. In other news I didn't drink today.

Lenore texted me today, after I texted her asking about her workshop.  Lenore went to a workshop that is sorta drama therapy lets say, she wanted to invite me as well. It would involve hand puppets. I am tempted about going. On the other hand its on my badminton day so I'll need to think about that. I like lenore. Shes a girl, and a friend, but by no means a girlfriend. Its nice having a girl that's a friend, I can talk to her about gendered stuff from a different perspective, plus she seems really easygoing and open. I like how she just talks and talks and talks, and I am happy just listening.So what if I fancy her like 20%. Shes aware that I fancy her and she knows I wont make it a big deal.

I'm obsessively playing a game on facebook right now. Then I might do productive stuff, like drink water. Kinda feeling dizzy today.

Dear Diary,

 

Something I've put off for a long time. Thinking about getting my watch repaired. I need to go into the branch for a quote. I called the guy at the branch and he wasn't helpful. He said that he's not able to give any quote.

Might go sometime. It felt hard to make the phone call. I had a good chat with Lenore online last night.

Things I did today:

 

• I got an email from HR at the Sentinel. Asking about my availability
• Met up with Lenore - walked a lot. Told her about some teenaged memories
• Recieved book review book - Gonna need to read this sometime
• Review of past month (something I do every month)
• Sent job application
• Did two gym classes

Today in my view counts as a triple session - I walked like 7 miles today. Quite tiring.

Might take rest day tomorrow.

Dear Diary,

 

Meeting up with Lenore later...well in like 20 mins. I'm also thinking of doing the gym afterwards. This is going to be a lot of walking. Other stuff today:

• Sent off the autism questionaires to the psychologist
• Sent off a job application to LSE
• Sent off some responses to questions from HR from the Sentinel RE: placement availability.

I'm heading out now.

dear diary,

there's so many de-railing tasks that are possible to commit to in my room. I am going to go off to the post office to send off the 'autism' self report tests for the psychologist. Never thought I'd say that.

this time last year in 2006 I decided to start reading a chapter of philosophy every day, in prepration for my future life as an academic.

Turns out it didn't work that way.

This morning I had a long wank, cos I woke up early. Now its 10am and it counts as late. I'm getting on with my errands for the day. I'm starting on a review of the past month, which I commit to every month, focussing on my targets.