Executive function

 

I believe it’s been since 5 November since I have really worked on Lampe and keeping logs. I have been in a dark place lately, struggling mentally. I am really desperately trying to keep to the best routine and keep as best I can to not succumbing to the low mood. I know around the early mid period of November was when I got hospitalised. I had things to keep my mind active, I had lots of concerts to go to and I made a new friend, maybe more on her later. It was the case that the Sunday news was taking a lot out of me as well as a new king of isolation.

(1)

It’s only today I am really stitging down and facing the therapy and the writing I do to process my feelings. I have lots to say. I think its best I just write it down. I have been avoiding. Things have been piling up in my room, all the comics, pdfs and in my digital organising. I have a hoarding problem I realise. I’m also working on this. (2)

What have I been up to in between 5 November to 8 December? I write this at 2323. I struggle waking up but I face more emails of things going on with the Sunday and with the trans community and everything gets darker. I have kept to a bare minimum. I shower daily, I wash my hair roughly a week. I haven’t been vacuuming much. I only changed my sheets three times in the last 6 weeks and not evenly over that time. The other thing is that I’m running, my weight has gone up. Today (8 December) I’m hitting 26% and I’m around 95kg. That’s higher than it was in early October. I feel my weight control is a sign of things being difficult (3) 

By writing this I hope that I’m showing an effort to improve things. I haven’t been facing my feelings, I have been burying myself as a form of survival. My dysphoria has been difficult. Work has been difficult. It’s been a struggle just to get through the way I have. I don’t know if I could have done better. I feel a disappointment inside myself. (4) 

 I don't think I've talked as much about being nonbinary on here. 

Less and less I feel less like a man. I have the man parts, I have quite prominent man parts, I participate in masculinity but I don't feel like a man anymore. 

I've always been this way it's just...never allowed to talk about it. Never validated.

Anyway on Tuesday 29th I told some more people. I feel like I should have kept quite so I got upset after I told them. It felt overwhelming. 

 I'm working on some new therapy exercises and I'll use this blog to work through them I think.

My safe space is: the English classroom in college. with the view of the hill

My safe space makes me feel: isolated, alone, remote, distanced from things that threaten me. I feel welcome here. I belong. I am me, here. 

 dary diary

it's 4am, 5th september.

I'm 38.

I'm about 91-92kg, I'm in the low 24% bodyfat. I've been running daily for 2000kcal minimum. 2 hours a day roughly. I''m really surprised how my body has changed. 

I'm heartbroken and infatuated with J. The feeling's unrequited.  need to get over her.

Regular writing task: 

Write 3 things you are positive about today

1. I went to work - difficulties at work wherein I've been told I'm only allowed certain days (complaint from former manager) - I feel at risk at all times and its made me I'll
2. I'm wearing my new pink gender affirming kimono at work today. a casual I work with said its 'flowy'. that's exactly what I was intending
3. I have been working on planning diary tasks and life admin during work today. I'm on track  

 Goals Achieved (Odysseus schema)

Get to 26.5% (22/03/2024)

Get to 25.9% (22/03/2024)

Get to 25.7% (22/03/2024)

Keep 98 for a week

get to 96kg (22/03/2024)

PRo social goals.

My special friend C and I went shopping for gender affirming clothes in vintage stores in Brighton last weekend, last month we went to Hyper Japan. i really enjoy spending time with C. It helps me not think about J... well maybe.

 Major goal achieved (Odysseus schema)

75k by June 2024

Ambitious goal: 70k by end of 2023?

66k by January 2024 (set 10/07/2023)

67k by February 2024 (set 10/07/2023)

68k by March 2024 (set 10/07/2023)

70k by end of March 2024 (set 10/7/2023) -

68k by May 2024 (lowball, set 10/07/2023)

69k by May 2024 (set 10/07/2023)

70k by May 2024 (set 05/08/2023)

71k by June 2024 (set 05/08/2023)

72k by July 2024 (set 05/08/2023)

73k by July 2024 (05/08/2023)

 Hello

i know it's been a while. I have been going through a lot. It seems my body has changed. I'm bona fide more skinny now. I'm also in a very low way. So, I'm doing som admin and I thought I'd mention that I've achieved a few fitness goals:

get to 25.9% (14/04/2024)

Get to 25.1% (14/04/2024)v

 Dear Diary,

I'm not on the computer much these days. I spent a lot of time running. On Sundays I aim to run 3 hours a day. My goal today was to avoid running because I have a headache and I have some admin I really need to do. 

So I did the following:

• Tally assets (73k atm)
• set up banking apps on phone
• Setting up meetings
• BUy tickets to Pantera
• Buy tickets to Zeal & Ardor
• tidy up logging tasks
• Logged steps
• Logged kcal targets
• Finished up some reading (yesterday)

Now I've done all of that stuff. I think I can allow myself to go to the gym. I have a nasty headache tonight. Is it a hangover? 

 I was watching the baby reindeer series on netflix.

it upset me really profoundly because how much it relates to my own personal experiences. It feels so heavy and unbearably so. 

 ABC Please

24/04/2024 (0744  i've been up since yesterday)

A: Accumulate positive experiences: Yesterday I had a good chat with my neighbur and best friend Mu, asked about his boys, his wife. 

B: Build mastery in activities that make you feel confident and not helpless: Running has been good lately

C: Cope ahead: I think I'm doing actually good at this one, in spite of fatigue I've been able to organise through my paper diary

P: Physical illness prevention: This is a loaded question given I've been up all night, my bodyfat is the lowest its ever been

L  Low vulnerability to diseases: does gender dysphoria count?

E: Exercise regularly: I think I'm doing okay with this, rest days make me anxious

A: Avoid mood altering drugs: Pizza, but I'm okay with it

S: Sleep healthy, except for this insomnia ll nighter, yes its been good

E: Eat heathy? My bodyfat the last time I checked was 24.8% the lowest I've had it. That's literally after I ate a 15 inch pizza

 Things I did today (Saturday 20 April)

I hit the middle of the 25% zone after oing up to 27% during a panic attack. I'm recovering a bit from the panic attack. I didn't go to the gym today. I decided to sleep in instead of going to the step class and doing early treadmill running. I decided to go to waitrose, then go about 3 miles in another direction to get to Uniqlo. I was meaning to get some more M sized tank tops and I got some M sized pants. I have been recommended to get smaller pants because it helps with my testicle problem. It is seen as a means to help my gender expression to have smaller pants - so that my balls are held up a bit more. 

I also bought some lamb ribs. I am preoccupied with Pizza this week. decided instead to get some lamb ribs tonight. I bought 18 lamb ribs and I only ate about 4 so far. I have put them in my oven to eat for later. I'm thinking about having more meaty/proteiny fast food. I have some boiled broccoli pre-cooked to have with the ribs when I eat it later.  I've lost some weight lately and I realise there's a challenge to keep my weight and bodyfat down. I have set a really high pace of activity and it's my realisation that to keep that body i Have to keep my activity level up.

 Goals achieved

keep 31.5% and under for 2 weeks (03/09/2023 target)

keep under 31.5% for 3 weeks (25/09/2023)

Hold 30% or below for 2 weeks (02/04/2023 target)

Get to 29.9% (25/02/2024)

Get to 28.1% (03/03/2024)

Hold 28% for a week

get to 106kg (15/10/2023)

get to 100kg (26/10/2022 traget)

 ABC Please

A: Accumulate positive experiences: I went to see Tans in Oxford, I went to at least two gigs since my last ABC,

B: Build mastery in activities that make you feel positive: I did climbing a couple of times, new to me, bloody hard, also keeping up with the running

C: Cope ahead: I'm working on this today to get things written up in my diary as future events

P: Physical illness prevention: This is hard to answer when I have a penic attack

L: low vulnerabbility ot diseases: again see above

E: Exercise regularly: Yes. I think this week I'll probably need to take it slow

A: AVoid mood altering drugs: that reminds me I have a biryani downstairs

S: Sleep healthy - Trying my best

E: Eat healthy: My bodyfat went up 0.1% in the past day. I dont think that's good, but its not the worst thing. 

 GOals achieved:

bodyfat down to 28% (05/11/2022 goal)

Bodyfat down to 27% (06/11/2022)

Bodyfat : 27% (22/03/2024)

Saturday 23rd

 2024

On this day: 2024: climbing for the first time, went with Mu and Chris with E, Jean. My bodyfat is just around 27.0 (26.8% on 24th the day after), I was terrible at climbing compared to Mun and Chris and Ethan but I had so much fun and I felt affirmed. Before then I was playing piano. I went to the gym but I forgot my keys so I didn't get any running done. I ended the day not quite at 200 points, 184 which I'm happy with.

0811

24/03/2024

 Tucking. Lately I've been tucking. I've not 'lately' been doing it. I've been doing it since my balls dropped over 25 years ago. I never knew it was a gender thing until recently and now I do it's changed a lot of things for me. I guess that's kind of a big part of realising I'm nonbinary.

I should say for confirmation I still use he him pronouns and I'll refer to myself as a man. But ...I have to make space for something different inside me after this revelation. In recent weeks I've bought tucking tape and medical tape that I try to do the process myself. This week I tried the latter and the tape was really sticky and painful to remove. 

What is tucking? for it me it means I need my balls in a lifted position (the one it was in before it dropped when I was 12-13 or so) because it feels more right to me. How can I explain that it feels right to me? Well after tucking I feel capable of doing 1300kcal+ workouts and still wanting to do more. I feel more myself than I ever have...in some ways. It does mean I'm dependent on wearing a pair of shorts all the time or else I don't feel that assurance or sense of self. I've become hooked on the increased abilities it gives me. It feels positive. I know some people will judge. 

 Achilles Schema goals achieved:

Get to 31.5% bodyfat (24/09/2023)

Get to 31.4% bodyfat (11/12/2023)

get t 31.3% bodoyfat (11/12/2023)

get to 31.2% bodoyfat (11/12/2023)

get to 31.1% bodyfat (11/12/2023)

Get to 31% bodyfat (24/09/2023)

get to 30.9% bodoyfat (11/12/2023)Get to 30.8% bodyfat (02/01/2024)

Get to 30.7% bodyfat (02/01/2024)

get to 30.6% bodyfat (02/01/2024)

... IT GOES ON

Weight,: 102kg (set 02/12/2022)

Body fat: 28%

get to 105.5kg (21/01/2024)

get to 98 kg

 3 things I'm positive about this week:

• I've been sleeping better
• I've had positive pro social relationships lately
• I've lost more weight and not too quickly
• More importantly my bodyfat's gone down
• I have a fighting chance to do my projects

 ABC Please: 09 March 

A: Accumulate positive experiences: I met with J this week spontaneously

B: Build mastery in activities that make you feel confident and not helpless - I started playing piano again

C: Cope ahead: This is an area I am working on constantly but I think I'm better this week than I was last week

P: Physical illness prevention: I've had really low energy and ...possibly 'mia' has come back

L : Low vulnerability to diseases: I've been running myself down a lot

E: Exercise regularly: now here's something weird: I'm working out less this week, but my bodyfat is the lowest it's ever been and I'm possibly the fittest I've ever been in other ways. I've reached a new level in my physicality (just hit under 100kg), and I think the way I do things now is a bit different now I'm sub 100. Different weight class now

A: Avoid mood altering drugs: I don't think I had a deliveroo this week...ahh am I gonna get one tonight??

S: Sleep healthy: some insomnia, shotness of sleep but...I think the sleep has been good in the sense that my weight loss and bodyfat have not led to flare ups in that regards

E: Eat healthy --- i dont think I'm reliable on this. I have lost a *lot* of weight lately. The last time I lost weight this quickly was the terrible and unsayable panic problesm of 2017 and the 2007-2008 year when I had an eating disorder

 My hopes for the future:

• A space in my life for love
• A space in my life for Mia
• A space in my life for healing
• A space in my life for happiness
• A space in my life for expressing my genderfluitiy
• A space in my heart for resolution
• No more distress
• No more sleepless nigths
• no more despair
• no more heartbreak
• no more disappointment
• no more sadness
• no more shame
• no more lonliness

 ABC PLease : 03 March 2024

A: Accumulate positive experiences - I do 121s with colleagues to check in on their wellbeing, I went on a wholesome day out yesterday with Caro and it was just affirming and fun

B: Build mastery in activities that make you fee lconfident and not helpless: I am working on clearing my backlog

C: Cope ahead: I think I'm struggling with this but I'm doing my best on this. Perhaps an area of improvement

P: Physicla illness prevention: I have been unwell lately

L : Low vulnerability to diseases: I think I might be doing badly with this

E: Exercise regularly: I'm exercising enough but I don't think I did as much as last week

A: Avoid mood altering drugs: I had a single guiness this week

S: Sleep healthy : I am trying not to work into the night

E: Eat healthy : I've lost weight and bodyfat lately. i rhink that's a good sign, right? 

I've *really* lost a lot of weight and bodyfat. 

 Let me summarise recent events as follows

1. I lost a lot of weight lately, will i keep it lost? don't know

2. I'm dealing with gender issues and ...going through some healing and going through asking for some help

3. I am opening up inside myself and some of that involves a softer me, a more vulenrable me and a more authentic and happier me. I didnt' know this was possible to some degree

4. I feel like with everything going on im right on the edge of things, of sanity, of health, of a brekadown, of a breakthrough. 

I should update this blog more but ...busy and low energy. I spent last 5 hours working on stuff. Probably need to sleep soons. 

 Weight goals achieved - this is positive

get to 30.8% (06/08/2023 target)

get to 30.7% (06/08/2023 target)

get to 30.6% (06/08/2023 target)

get to 30.5% ('06/08/2023 target)

get to 30.4% (06/08/2023 target)

get to 30.2% (06/08/2023 target)

get to 30.1% (06/08/2023 target)

get to 30.0% (06/08/2023 target)

 achieve savings goal 71k 

 I'vej lost a bit of weight laitely so this might seem overdue to write these down:

Goals achieved:

Get to 31.7% (15/01/2024)

Get to 31.6% (15/01/2024)

Get to 31.5% (06/08/2023 target)

Keep 31.5% and under for 1 weeks (03/09/2023 target)

get to 31.4% (06/08/2023 target)

get to 31.2% (06/08/2023 target)

get to 31.1% (06/08/2023 target)

Get to 31.0% (06/08/2023 target)

Get to 30.9% (06/08/2023 target)

ABC Please:

A: Accumulate positive experiences : I'm making an effort to check in with people 

B: Build mastery in activities that make you feel confident and not helpless: Running helps

C: Cope ahead : Not doing well with this

P: Physical illness prevention : really ill this week 

L : Low vulnerability to diseases : really ill this week with dysphoria

E: Exercise regularly : I've done consistently a workout a day since Sunday. In short, yes

A: Avoid mood altering drugs : some takeaways

S: Sleep healthy - some insomnia lately but I'm working on improving it. I don't work after midnight lately

E: Eat healthy - I've lost weight ---that's good right?

 Eurydoros schema achieved:

Get to 31.9% (25/09/2023) target

keep under 31.9% for a week (25/09/2023)

Get to 31.8% 15/01/2024

Get to 107kg (15/10/2023)

 ABC Please

A: A ccumulate positive experiences - I went to see family last night

B: Build mastery in activities that make you feel confident: I some of this, this week, yes

C: Cope ahead. This is my weakness right now I must be honest

P: Physical illness prevention: I'm not sure, I think I need to keep more active

L : Low vulnerability to diseases. Feeling really low abt hte moment

E: Exercise regularly. I want to go to the gym today. I did Saturday 10 miles, Sunday midnight 10 miles (today...), ,Friday gym and cardio, Thursday felt really low but did some cardio if I recall. No gym after therapy but I did some chores in the daytim I think, Tuesday I did class, Monday I think I did 2 hours treadmill. It still feels like it's not enough

A: Avoid mood altering drugs: had a bit of meat and a couple of gin and tonics this week, had a few takeaways, had a lot of crisps

E: Eat healthy: see above

 ABC Please: 29 January 2024

A: Accumulate positive experiences - I cycled about 50 miles last week

B: Build mastery in activities that make you feel confident - I did my treadmill running in an acceptable amount last week

C: Cope ahead - This is a constant challenge but last week I was in a good place with it, this week...a challenge but Resilience is the name of the game

P: Physical illness prevention - my mental health has taken a big dive this week and last

L: Low vulnerability to diseases - see above

E: Exercise regularly - I did a rest day on Sunday and it made me feel super uncomfortable to force myself to have one. In other words, yes I'm exercising reegularly

A: Avoid mood altering drugs - drug of choice yesterday was a 14 inch pizza (I still lost bodyfat after eating it, gained weight hto)

S: Sleep healthy - I think I'm doing okay with this

E: Eat healthily - I'm enjoying my food but I'm also working out hard. Let me just say it like this: my bodyfat is at a good place at the moment. I did eat a bit more on Sunday, I was at a party on Saturday and so there was party food and snacks on Saturday, but in spite of that, I achieved my cardio goals, my cycling goals, my pokemon go kilometer goals

All in all, in spite of the mental dip (I need to lay down a bit...) it's been okay in pure terms of the numbers and the  metrics I've set. Fighting. i need to lay down now I am quite unwell

 my hopes for the future

• I want to be one with my gender expression and without judgment
• I want to be myself
• I want a clear room
• I want a clea rmind
• I want to be healthy
• I want to be valued
• I want to be respected
• I want to be me
• I want to feel agency
• I want to be organised

 Savings are 69.48k at the moment which means with regards to savings goals, the following are achieved:

• 64k by end of October (ambitious 10/07/2023)
• 65k by end of October (set 05/08/2023)
• 65k by end of November (ambigious 10/07/2023)
• 66k by end of November (05/08/2023 set)
• Reasonable goal: 65k by end of December 2023?
• 65k by end of December (revised goal 10/07/2023)
• 66k by end of December (ambitious 10/07/2023)
• 67k by end of December (revised goal 05/08/2023)
• 65k by January 2024 (Lowball, set 10/07/2023)
• 66k by February 2024 (lowball set 10/07/2023)
• 67k by March 2024 (lowball, set 10/07/2023
• 68k by April 2024 (set 10/07/2023)
• 
  

ABC Please

 ABC Please:

21/01/2024 (I accidentally put in 2024)

A: Accumulate positive experiences: I had 121s with staff going through a difficult time. I'm writing a lot for my therapy, I'm 'doing the work' in terms of therapy. I'm cycling, I'm running and I'm giving up gym today to focus on admin. Positiv things I think so

B: Build masty in activities that make you feel confident and not helpless. I'm working on therapy pre-write, I'm running and I'm working a lot to keep to a plan. I think these are things that help my sense of agency

C: Cope ahead: I think I'm doing better at this than previous weeks. I know I have some challenges ahead and I know there's difficulties. I have to put the time in I suppose. I get tired a lot which affects my ability to plan

P: Physical illness prevention. My bodyfat has stayed at 32% the past few days. It hasn't gone up, that's good. I'm surprised it hasn't gone down though

L: Low vulnerability to diseases: I've cried a lot this week, been unwell with distress. But I'm fighting in many ways

E: Exercise regularly: I'm hitting the minimums for sure: 30 miles strava, 50km on pokemon go: indoor cardio 5000kcal (goal is 2500), 90 mins, theo nly thing I haven't done is the 30 miles indoor cardio but that's because Running doesnt go as far as cycling and I dont go fast on running 

A: Avoid mood altering drugs. I had a couple takeaways and I had a cafe breakfast, I haven't had any alcohol or cigars, not much wankohol either.

S: Sleep healthy: I'm up at usual hours. Some insomnia I won't lie but I haven't woken up late in the morning or afternoon. I was up almost all night last night/this morning though. Maybe keen to sleep earlier tonight

E: Eat healthy. My weight isn't going down, but my bodyfat isn't going up. BF is harder to lose and easy to gain. Weight seems hard to lose and easy to gain.  My BF is stabilising is the key thing.

 Things I'm positive about

(not posted in a while I know...)

1. Im exploring some deep stuff in therapy atm
2. I've come out as genderfluid to afew colleagues
3. Chatted with J helped dissipate how I'm so deeply pining for her
4. I'm doing some deep work before the next therapy session
5. I feel affirmed when A at work told me she's also thinking of moving away from cisgender

oh yeah so im not sure if i mentioned. a series of events last year helped me realise I want to change things up with gender. I'm still *mostly a guy*. Wearing the tucking shorts helps, making my own aromatherapy blends, wearing more pink, purple (Like Aquaman). My kimono I wear and use as a blanket, also the fact I have an alter in me that's a she/her.

I don't wanna transition medically I don't think...just changing things up a bit, some of it I've already been doing and I'm just acknowledging I'm doing it helps a lot.

 Fitness goals achieved:

Get to 32.5% (25/09/2023)

Keep under 32.5% for a week (27/10/2023)

Get to 32.0% (25/09/2023)

keep under 32.0% for a week (27/10/2023)

Long hair

 Long Hair

I'm going through my magazines at the moment. I'm mreading National Geographic history and they are talking about Louis (the fourteenth) XIV in the early 17th Century. Louis the XIV and (to some degrere, Charles II, the english monarch who was in exile in france) took to a fashion of wearing long curly hair and because Aristocrats were basically the influencer culture of that time, many others followed suit as did the depictions that valorised an aspirational life.

What does it say that in the 17th century, masculinity was long hair and then when politics changed, (particularly with Louis XV moving away from the wigs and Louis XVI being the end of French Monarchy) that our gender presentation is not some fixed thing. 

There's all this talk about 'sex is real' and so on, Sonia Sodha says that 'trans rights activism' is the idea to replace gender away from sex. That's absolutely not the case and that's absolutely a strawman argument. Hair, clothing they are all gender signifiers. I tend to find the 17th century interesting for ideas, I find the 18th century more interesting. 

Things like facial hair are very seasonal and generational, as are hair styles. To some degree we could say: who cares, why does it matter, just let people do what they want. But the thing is society is defined by penalising and implicit rules. Some are to the legal system itself and some are social sanctions. Its important to be upfront that social sanctions exist entirely in the space where we accept them but do not mention them by name. I feel that my hair is an important part of gender expression. I don't know what it says but it feels right. I don't especially care to think what it means. I feel as I explore myself more I will find more expression aspects of me I've hitherto felt closed to myself

Bracelets

 Since October MCM (Comicon) I started wearing a bracelet. I went to this LGBTQ+ stall at comicon and I saw they had these stimming bracelets (for autism) and one was in genderfluid flag colours. I decided it was an amazing thing and it felt like it was meaningful to me.

I want to talk about Jewlerry. Today (7th January) I'm reading a supplement about watches. I used to say, and perhaps I still do, I don't Jewelery. Jewellery feels like something you can lose easily and I dont understand the meaning of jewellery. I remember in school I'd see people with plasticky cheap jewelery and it felt like if that was some personal expression it seems cheap. If you wear something that's cheap it is a statement about you, was how I saw it. If I ever wore something it would mean something to me. 

I got into watches. Watches I could afford or aspired or saved up to afford. When I was 11 or 12, in year 7, I saved up for a Seiko automatic. I think it must have been £40 and it took me weeks to save up. Then in year 10 I got a seiko kinetic and that was mabt £70 or £80. It meant so much to me and people would joke how I was into automatic powered watches. I have a Tissot watch from my brother in law. Matt got it for me and gave it to me on his wedding day. Matt's wedding was on the 7th July 2007, 3 days before my 21st birthday. It was a 21st birthday gift, also I did loads of favours for my sister and brother in law before their wedding. I used to house sit for them for days while they received all sorts of weird stuff in the mail. This was an era before Amazon prime and professional delivery services, so when something didn't arrive it was really hard to get to a depot. That watch still means something in that sense. I also have a Seiko Sportura which I think cost about £350 in 2009, i think by today's standards that's more like £500. 

I used to like wearing those masculine watches until I got into smartwatches. I do quite like my smartwath. I have a pink watch strap. I like wearing pink. Anyway all of this is a distraction I wanted to talk about bracelets. 

I had this bracelet in October. I ended up losing it in November. I got really distressed when I lost it. I'll explain why. I felt when it was gone I didn't have anything that said 'genderfluid'. Sometimes I feel very much located in my masculinity and a man, sometimes I don't. Sometimes I go for so long as a man I worry all those things I felt as Mia were never real, or like some fundamental part of me is gone. 

In the context of where I work, the politics and society of transphobia, I feel like my bracelet is my ownly form of exprssion. When I lost it, I was looking on Etsy for a new one. I didn't find one but I saw one in the flag colours for the bi flag and I asked the vendor if I could have a custom made one. I explained to the vendor how wearing that bracelet is my only current form of expression and I dont think people will approve if they really knew what I was feeling inside, they made a custom bracelet for me and I was happy to receive it. They were happy to make it. I still have it to this day. 

I guess what I'm trying to say is my mind changed. When I was in primay school seeing those people with the cheap bracelets. I feel like I'm allowing myself to enjoy what they did. It's not the price or even the quality of the materials, but I feel like I understand what the meaning was, its' their self expression