Executive function

 

I believe it’s been since 5 November since I have really worked on Lampe and keeping logs. I have been in a dark place lately, struggling mentally. I am really desperately trying to keep to the best routine and keep as best I can to not succumbing to the low mood. I know around the early mid period of November was when I got hospitalised. I had things to keep my mind active, I had lots of concerts to go to and I made a new friend, maybe more on her later. It was the case that the Sunday news was taking a lot out of me as well as a new king of isolation.

(1)

It’s only today I am really stitging down and facing the therapy and the writing I do to process my feelings. I have lots to say. I think its best I just write it down. I have been avoiding. Things have been piling up in my room, all the comics, pdfs and in my digital organising. I have a hoarding problem I realise. I’m also working on this. (2)

What have I been up to in between 5 November to 8 December? I write this at 2323. I struggle waking up but I face more emails of things going on with the Sunday and with the trans community and everything gets darker. I have kept to a bare minimum. I shower daily, I wash my hair roughly a week. I haven’t been vacuuming much. I only changed my sheets three times in the last 6 weeks and not evenly over that time. The other thing is that I’m running, my weight has gone up. Today (8 December) I’m hitting 26% and I’m around 95kg. That’s higher than it was in early October. I feel my weight control is a sign of things being difficult (3) 

By writing this I hope that I’m showing an effort to improve things. I haven’t been facing my feelings, I have been burying myself as a form of survival. My dysphoria has been difficult. Work has been difficult. It’s been a struggle just to get through the way I have. I don’t know if I could have done better. I feel a disappointment inside myself. (4)