Things I've done today: tuesday

• Played saints row 4 (after midnight) before i went to sleep
• Email catchup
• feeling low
• Messaged OkC person about proposed date tomorrow
• Piano practice
• Readability catchup
• Recevied extra shift at shambly
• Reply from interview (didn't get it)/asked HR for feedback
• Sent job application after seeing a vacancy in guardian jobs and emailing about it
• Spirometer readings
• Updated garden planning document

Things yet to do:

• badminton

dear diary,

i requested for a new fucking nectar card. that was like 3 months overdue. I think that's progress

dear diary (doest that say dairy? - no - okay 5th spelling is a charm)

I'm feeling quite low today. It's a streuggle just to be upright.

I'm doing as best I can today.

I didn't get that job at the Sentinel last week. Maybe I should try applying to the Guardian instead, I can't keep applying to the Sentinel and get turned down. I asked for feedback.

I'm doing a really extensive job application right now. It's asking for my passport number (remember that I recently got a new one) and other details. It asked for my grade point average for various years in which I was at university. Looked at my grades in first year (average is 60) and I triggered.

I have to get on.

Life's easier in a way with voices in your head. Easier but not better.

I woke up today feeling horrid. I was remembering stuff from the uni days. Who I used to be, the potential I felt I squandered and remembering how everything didn't go my way and failed miserably as I had depression and anxiety issues.

I will never forgive myself for what happened. I know people say that I am not my anxiety or depression, and later on, I was not my eating disorder.

I can't accept that. It impared me in a way that really affected my life chances and who I am now. THe heaviness of the past really upsets me. It weighs down who i am now.

I woke up thinking about some people from the philsoc at uni. It upset me as I woke up. I thought about Hannah who has nothing to do with those days. Hannah doesn't know who I used to be, and to some extent, the person she knows me now as isn't too related to those days and has nothing to do with her. Sometimes people get to know me and know me from a different era of my life...which colours how they know me.

I feel immense guilt for the fact that many people I do know, knew me from that dark period and I feel immense shame about that period of my life.

I really don't want to get out of bed today. But I did. I really feel like I don't have much to get up for. That interview last week didn't go he way I wanted, I'm scheduled to apply for a job I know that I won't get, and ...I just wish I could make something decent of my life.

I know I'm able. I know I can do this. I just need a chance.I need to fight on today.

I hate feeling this way. On reflection, perhaps this is the challenge I asked for. Stupid me, I wanted to face those demons to see if I could defeat it. I didn't realise it would be this hard.

At some point today I will brush my teeth and maybe shave.

I should eat properly too.

For now, will do job application.

Dear Diary,

I have a sore back. I have an attration to sunday mornings. Something that seems institutional and traditional about it. In addition I like the sunday paper. I do actually buy a lot of the Sunday Sentinel lately. I know its a bit self-indulgent especialyl since I worked there. I really like the breadth of topics.

i'm spending a bit of the weekend doing some laptoping with my new laptop - namely, installing and setting up a new ecosystem

Things I did on Friday

• Attempted to download some programs to set up my new beloved computer. That computer is like a lover to me. An objectified lover who I see as a thing for my pleasure. A sexy i7 thing
• I was contacted about covering for 2 weeks at the Sentinel for a senior figure. Turns out...I wasn't needed. I could have gotten £660 for that. That's a life changing amount of money which merely depended on the response from an email. I'm kinda down about that
• I emailed one of my correspondences. I may not have said this on the blog: I have a few email correspondences whom I enjoy having conversations with through email, like we are 1970s researchers who are pioneering the internet 
• Feedly catchup
• Feedly starred items catchup
• More installing of programmes - but actually games
• Watching a lot of netflix
• Receipt processing -- about 5 months worth
• Received a free DVD of an italian film called 'I CLown'
• Retrieved missing dropbox files: I almost lost 5 years worth of personal (and irreplaceable) files. Fucking cloud computing is scary
• I actually was t work today
• Rest day from the gym (after 3 classes yesterday)
• COntinuing with my spirometer readings - will sort out a GP appt over the next few days.
• (I was managing with being upset today)

I consider these activities to be a 'lot' 13 items in fact.

I am kinda proud of myself that I spent so much of my day being active. Reading 100 blog articles was a bit difficult.

I've got a few demons haunting me lately, but...I think I'm fighting. I think I'm fighting the fight. 

When I was in sixth form there was a version of me who thought that if I worked really really hard at something I could succeed with flying colours. Then, a lot of failure happened.

I'm trying to make a life out of the shitness that I have around me. I'm really glad that my childhood and teens weren't so fucked up. I mean, I did have a paedo teacher, lived around a substance abuser and there are *those family issues not to talk about on the blog*. 

I have a lot of anger inside me. A lot of old issues, old hurts. In the mess of memories that forms my mind, I wonder if there's something positive, something optimistic, something that can give me hope. I really wish I could be all I could be. That kind of thought upsets me right now. Because I know I'm not all I can be. The thought that I could be more...has been destructive to me. 

But so tempting.

All of my frustrations...my failuresin life. It only makes sense when I'm pushing my body in the gym.

Got some fucking classes in the morning. Maybe I can save my soul through 2 hours of punishment.

Things I did on Thursday

• Job Searching
• audiobook catchup
• attemmpt to continue installing into new laptop
• CXWorks gym class (1/3)
• Body Combat (2/3)
• Body Attack (3/3)
• Examined course options
• Received October shifts and updated pay matrix
• Feeling low
• A friend joined in body attack class
• Sent job application (public affairs researcher)

So, all in all, that's 11 things I got up to.

I felt a bit low today. I had some triggers about the interview that I had earlier this week. In addition I'm tempering that with a sense of hope and optimism about having a new outlet to relieve myself and my woes of the world through gaming. On Wednesday I was playing minecraft for the first time in a couple of years and I loved it. I was spending the night in a wilderness hoping those green guys didn't poke me.

Around 4pm I felt that I did everything that I could today and couldn't be bothered to do any more tasks. So what I ended up doing was deciding to go straight to the gym and do 3 classes end to end.

There's a girl that I kinda fancy and she was wearing a different top today. I normally am in the front of the room in the class but I wasn't in a 'front' mood (Goffmanesque reference there). Her body looked different to me. I am having body demons lately and perhaps its affecting how I see other people as well? I was thinking to myself: gosh I consider that woman to be fitter than me but look at her. I bet she doesn't train as much as I do. Maybe if she does she has a diet that reflects that body...

I shouldn't perve so much at the gym, although its more specific people than a general perversion.

I think I might write an email and then go to bed. I've got work tomorrow. I don't have many work days this month. I'm scraping by with 1 day a week. At Shambly arena they changed the policy about cancelling your availability for shifts, apparently if you do it too much you might not get asked to do any more shifts (i.e. fired). I really can't afford to lose this job, especially since The Sentinel hasn't really been offering any work to me lately. 

I kinda miss those times when I was asked to work a day and I'd just jump and say YES. Or even the times when I'd say I can't do a cover shift because I'm already working somewhere else. 

Fuck me. FUck me fuck me. 

You know, it's not all that bad. I've been super productive today and I have been within my calories (just about) and I had a really really intsense workout. 

I've lived through hell during my uni days. And I lived through such hellish times I push myself really hard to try and replicate what I went through because, I suppose that...I suppose that I don't forgive myself for being so ill. I feel like I have to make up for it.

I have to make up for lost years, lost lives. My neighbour across the road (the one who died, so former neighbour) stayed in his room all the time and had an alcohol problem, yes he did a mastters and graduated from uni, but he died at the age of 33 with very little to show for it. I worry that I'll be him. Especailly because, as a child I looked up to him. I thought he was cool being an older male and the limited presence of role models.

When I write these blog posts lately I am a lot more emotionally articulate. I think it is the onset of the 'dark months'. I'm probably doing alright, but, I need to keep fighting. DO you remember those times when you couldn't even think about next week? I mascochistically, desperately want to be in that dark place again.

I wish I could be the noble warrior who would fight evil and injustice with the moral character of perfection and be a representation of moral goodness. The Plato saying of 'The Good man cannot be harmed' comes to mind. I don't have any narratives in my life at the moment, so my eating disorder is kind of a lack of alternatives. My food demons are very, very present. In the lack of control of everything else in my life. I can control what I put in my mouth. And get tempted by the finger

Anyway, better do one of my correspondence emails. 

Dear Diary,

Sometimes, I see my life as a set of problems that need resolving.

I guess everyone has things that need some form of resolution, those things that bar our contentness or sense of achievement or even our sense of self.

I got upset today. I had a trigger walking home.

One of the qeustions in the interview was: why do you want to work in admin?

I paused.

The real answer is:

I WANT TO DO A FUCKING PHD BUT NOTHING IS HAPPENING AND IT IS MOSTLY MY FAULT FOR PURGING ALL THE TIME DURING MY FUCKING MASTERS. I HATE WHAT I AM AND EVERYTHING THAT I AM NOW IS THE SCOURGE OF WHAT I USED TO BE. I LIVE AN INAUTHENTIC LIFE OF FAILURE AND I AM IRREVERSIBLY TAINTED BY EVERYTHING IN THIS FUCKING WORLD

Instead I answered with a pause, A good answer might have been:

I'd like to do this job and I'd be happy being in this job for the next few years.

Perhaps I could have said with gritted teeth:

I would like to work as an admin manager in a few years

My actual answer was something like. I want to do a PhD part time and this job will fund it. 

I got upset because.

There's that whole process, starting with that all caps lock screaming in my head.

I have cried a couple of times in hte past few days. It's a gentle cry. The kind of cry that when I'm on my own reflecting on things, saying home truths to myself.

I'm having food issues lately. I ate too much today and yesterday. Yesterday I was over calories by 300kcal. Today I'm over by 1000 or so. I am unable to account for the full activities of my day (working consisted of standing and walking around) calorically I can't get everything 100% but I'm working with rough estimates. Rough estimates: I'm over 1000 kcal.

I want to be somebody. I want to be somebody better. I want to live a better life. I need to be someone different when I look in front of that mirror.

I'm so tempted with purging these days. I absolutely cannot do it.

Instead I've got this caloric control thing going on. I weighed myself this week to compare with last week. Not only have I gained 3lbs but I am my highest weight on record. I miss the days when I was 178 or 166lbs. Even if I felt unhappy, I could just purge and feel a temporary sense of relief and escape from the world. I remember the times when I would purge and stay in my room for as long as I could. I remember when I would purge multiple times in a row and there was a bit of blood in the vomit.

I'm going to be so upset when I get a response about the job this week. When I am told that I didn't get a place on the interview.

I might set up my schedule for thursday. Perhaps that will help me focus on the present, focus on better things.

The thing is. I don't think I can escape those 'unanswered questions' that mia has. Certain unanswered questions (following Charles Ives's 'whither music?') haunt me. And I'd like to think its a universal concern.

Back in 2006 I had a day when I felt so depressed and I wouldn't get out of bed unless out of forcing myself.

There was a day when my DSA computer and assistive technologies came in. I was over the moon. In fact, some of the stuff still is part of my inventory today.

Today was a similar kind of joy. At 8am on tuesday a woman from the post office rang the bell. I had my computer come in. My new MSI computer (or computrons as I call it with Hannah).

Some other things that happened today:

• Job interview
• Attempted to change topology of my desk
• Installing programs into new computer
• Purchased birthday gift for neighbour
• BIrthday dinner for neighbour
• Badminton
• Purchased new antivirus
• (received laptop)
• Spirometer readings
• Anxiety

A lot happening today. I feel like I sailed through it. I feel like things are actually happening. I am working off the momentum that I set for myself when Iwas working back in august/early september.

I just really now need to push on and ...keep things going. Keep things moving. Keep my life moving. 

I'm kinda chuffed that I got my new computer, new tablet.

Not so chuffed that I spent a fuckton of money.

I'm not exactly going to get a lot of money over october.

I'm doing my weekly review:

Observations/grey schema targets

1. 3 Anxiety Days
2. 3 Fatigue days
3. 0 Stupour Days
4. 2 Low Days
5. 1 paid work days
6. 43 Number of coffee stirrers

anxiety is high this weke
low days are increasing lately...
Not so great with paid word days.


but...
43 coffee stirrers. THat's unprecedented. I think I should be proud of that. I've almost finished the coffee stirrers

Also note: no stupour days, that means no 'wasted' days

Dear Diary,

I bought a tablet computer identical to the old one to replace it with the various flaws that the old one had (wear and tear/abusing it). It came in on saturday. I feel a big sense of relief. I've bought a new laptop, coming in later this coming week.

I have an interview coming up too. It's hanging over my head for various reasons. I'm worried about money, the future, career etc. It would be so damned good if I had this  I can't jinx this interview. I really want this job.

A while back I talked about the coffee stirrers. Well, I've nearly ran out of them.

Am I a different person from when I started that weird ritual? Yes, yes I am. It's no big epiphany. Instead I am always trying to improve my efficiency.

My sunday was like a desk day. I have also developed a recent ability to not let things linger and try to solve problems when I can. It doesn't mean its' immediately, but it does mean that I do try and get things done without leaving things to linger...except for piano practice.

I'm going to have a new laptop with my new tablet. It will be like a big overhall. On jots.me I have set up a list of 'aspirational' things to buy.

After the laptop, there really aren't too many big achievable purchases. Any bigger than the laptop includes the saxophone, and moving out.

I just hope I'm really good this week. I do my work, push myself, and swallow some eggs.

I think life for me lately is all about swallowing eggs, doing the hard stuff I don't want to do. But I have to.

Anyway, I have my week review to do and after that I'm gonna sleep.

I only slept 2-3 hours after I came home on saturday night/sunday morning.

Onwards.

(p.s. I must say despite being in a rush and feeling nonplussed about everything, things are actually quite good. I have a non-monogamous relationship and hope.

Welcome Autumn)

Things I would have changed in my life:

Definitely

• I would have focussed more on my masters from the beginning and not on running the online depression support group and Marie's constant texts telling me she's self harming
• Don't tell the people in the crissis intervention team that I was going to kill myself. The following things would have happened:
• I would have went to the assistance workshop on making postgraduate applications in Sociology
• I would have went to my sister's 30th birthday party in london on that weekend 
• I would have met up with that cute french girl in the sociology seminar and we would do our book review together on Super-Cannes, which I happened to only finally read this year
• I would have attempted to apply to Cambridge and Oxford because I definitely had the grades, the talent and the ability to go. Just, nobody said it was for me or that I could or should go

Maybe

• I would have stayed in Wales with Antonia and moved in with her (and her daughter)as her live-in lover, even though I was currently unemployed at the time. Maybe we could have had a try at being a happy family and me being a stepdad
• Maybe this year choosing to go to the interview at RAND corporation instead of the whitehall department (that I didn't get the job for )
• I wish I joined the Catholic society at university...I wonder how I'd have ended up if that happened. I could have been part of their community, went to mass, maybe I'd be happy as a Catholic Christian and had a nice catholic girlfriend or became a priest and did a Philosophy PhD through vatican money

Just curious

• What if I knew I wasn't going to do a PhD after my masters and left the bristol flat and moved back home in 2008?
• What if I never decided to meet Antonia and stayed a virgin at 21?  Maybe I'd still be a virgin now. But maybe that would be at the cost of having a good stable government job and even though i'd hate myself I would still be earning over 25k with a good pension
• What if I did actually kill myself? My life wouldn't be shit now, because I woulnd't have a life. I'd exist as the perfect memory of who I once was. And probably destroy my family as a result. It might have affected my sister having her baby, getting married and my niece and nephew being born in the way they are now. Still, call me selfish. I do kind of really wish if I was dead back then, none of this this shit and disappointment and despair would exist in my life. Better to die as someone 'with so much potential', than live as someone constantly trying with mixed results.

I just want to be a better me.

I used to think that heroes were the people who would fight evil defend the good.

That, I learned is called Manacheanism

My demons are:

• Self doubt - That means I don't have faith that the things I want and the way I want the world to be can really be realised
• Regret - that means, certain events in my life I wish ended up differently and I blame my current situation on those events.
• The belief that I could have made more of my life
• Comparing myself to other people
• My body issues and lack of acceptance of it
• Worrying about money
• Worrying about the future and my lack of a future
• The sadness I have of feeling I've lost something in my life that I could or should have had

I wish I could fight these demons.

I feel like the only way I can is to simplify the problem: make it about food and eating.

Dear diary,

New internet line put into the house. we changed contract.

In other news, things I did on Friday:

• Had dinner at fish bar
• Lot of walking
• Went to work
• Fatigue
• Purchased new Tablet computer (while at work)
• Continued Spirometer readings
• Body Attack (where the trainer was flirting with me and I was all still like a solider and awkward and blusshing and not sure what to do)

Things I've done since midnight:

• Garden admin (or 'garden cunting shit')
• Set up modification to GCal scheduling system
• Thinking about segregating tasks by their essence
• Fitness to be a single thing
• Reminders and regular tasks another
• Audiobooks and reading to be another
• 
  

came back from work today (nice to have paid work)

I had an anger trigger. I was looking over the event today and we normally do 30 min stints and people relieve whoever is supervising. I wasn't relieved for 45 minutes and I was getting angry because I wanted to go to the canteen and get fish and chips. I felt like it was a treat for me and I love fish and chips, plus it helps me feel centered and in control to co-ordinate when I can eat nice dinnners instead of losing control and eating snack food.

However because they took 45 mins I was getting angry and I was upset with myself because of how  Iwas so dependent on those fish and chips in the canteen to make me feel good and they denied me that and I didn't awant anything else, not even fish and chips for m another place. I felt so tempted to purge because of that.

Things I did on Thursday

1. Anxiety episode
2. Booked hair cut
3. feedly catch up
4. garden meeting prep
5. garden meeting
6. received payslip (technically pay is tomorrow)
7. Did houework
8. job searching
9. Piano/clarinet
10. Received payment from dad
11. spirometer readings
12. Training: Upper body weights
13. Finalised Laptop purchase

All in all...that's a lot?

There's so much more to do.

Dear Diary,

Sometimes I think about my childhood and how much it affect who I am as an adult.

I also think about how my Niece and Nephew are so fortunate to have all their grandparents (touch wood) and how their grandparents are such a big part of their lives. I love how I can be a part of their lives and how my parents give my little niece and nephew little adventures every week or every other week.

It means so much to me to realise how I am contributing to helping them have an idyllic childhood. I know that everyone around them has money issues and stuff but I'm happy they might have the future where they will look back on these days favourably.

dear diary,

this evening I had a salad for dinner. It was really nice. It had a luxurious olive oil and balsamic vinegar copiously surrounding it.

I want to tell myself that  Ican have dinners like these, meals which are salads and light foods, not high caloric monstrosities.

When I do tell myself that I want to think that I will get mens health abs and I will be successful and beautiful and even if I hate myself I will be beautiful on the outside.

I was within my calories today, even though I had a pack of skittles (for badminton energy)

Today a young guy came by the door talking about the RNIB or something. It was one of those charity sales pitchers and he had so much charisma and doing high fives and mentioning family guy and other youthful cultural references. His sales pitch for charitable donations were so aggressive that I felt a bit of panic.

I felt uncomfortable and like I was facing some facet of reality that I have been shielded from or that I cannot bear to face.

It reminds me of a flashback:

I'm starting second year. I am meeting my sociology tutor for the first time. I am going to have the talk. The one that starts: I have severe depression. As I'm in the queue for his attention this guy is also a law lecturer and there's an older guy in his mid-late 20s saying how he's doing a conversion degree and talking about his sister's 40th birthday. I was thinking how this guy's life has advanced in so many experiences that I couldn't bear to face the day in which I am in that position myself with a sister who is 40 and having kids. The whole situation is insufferable and I ...I struggle just to wait.

My life at the time was horrible. It was a panic attack to just get out of bed. You  couldn't imagine the agony. I felt that this was adulthood and it would never end or change.

In a way I was wrong about that. In another way. I wasn't wrong. THat agony is still there, the unbearableness of the mundane reality of life.

I just got more used to it. Beer helps, coffee helps, wanking helps. Junk food helps. I'm trying to cut back on all of those (except wanking ...although I should probably reduce that too).

I want to just lay in bed and escape my life.But I also realise that won't help anything or anyone.

Dear Diary,

I've gotten an invitation to an interview. Which is nice.

I kind of expected I'd get an interview for this role. Well, not expected, reasonably hoped. I know what the job requires so I thought I'd go for it.

I was then told the actual pay for it. £20k min. Not too bad. I'll finally earn enough to get 'taxed out of my arse', if I get it

Probabilities range from 1/5 - 1/8. Or in my terms:

P= 1/5 - 1/8 * 1/5 modifier

Anyway.

I have to contact HR about adjustments.

Monday

This monday:

(background)

• Supposed to be working at multimedia department - cancelled
• supposed to work an evening event - cancelled

(things I did)

• Blogging
• Anxiety 
• Went to body combat class
• fatigue in afternoon
• Feedly catchup
• Playlisting for audiobooks
• Playlisting for Music
• Responded to the games editor who is looking for games reviewers

Things I've done since midnight:

• ordered new oyster card
• ebay messaged guy who I'm supposed to buy a laptop from

Dear Diary,

It's my office day today.

I'm off from work for a couple days. Working on a saturday. The upside is money. The downsides for working this saturday are:

• Hannah invited me to hers this weekend at her mum's country house. We could have an almost normal weekend as a couple and do couply things like rambling and have a roast dinner at the nearby country pub like I'm not some urbanised street hoodlam from the ghettos of south london. Instead, work.
• One of the boys invited me to thorpe park

In a way its just as well. I'm not exaclty rolling in cash right now.

On tuesday I was asked to do 2 days cover. Guess what. I was working those 2 days so I couldn't do it...fuck! I hate when I can't do work because I'm already working. It's not as if I have lots of work this month either.

I missed out on a full week this week because I'm doing 2 days. I guess that's the downside of working where I do.

(this post was meant to be up yesterday)

Today at work somebody had a massive mental breakdown. I feel kinda upset seeing it. The guy had some IT problems on his computer and ended up going on a tirade and crying. He's like a world famous interviewer.

Something else today: there's a lot of really headed emotional discussion about Scotland. Most of the people in the sunday sentinel are scottish, and as such, there were very high emotions

Dear Diary,

Is it inconsistent to sy the following:

I have too much to do
I'm not doing enough.

I think it is not for me right now.

I have a massive backlog of things.
I haven't been managing my time lately
I have too much to do if I set everything I wanted to

I need to cut down abit and focus on priorities.

Today a few of my friends did some amazing charity things. Two guys went to brighton and back on a bike. One woman ran all the way up the gherkin.

Today I didn't do so much. I woke up about 6, then 9, then 1pm. Then I watched a DVD for a film review. I decided the film was too monotonous to review so I gave up on the project. Then I have did a lot of bidding on Ebay with money that I don't currently have. I've been bidding to buy a new tablet computer and then I saw some laptops and I thought: I'll bid on some laptops too!


Airsoft was yesterday, it was okay. There were moments when it was great. Then there were some really shit moments like when my friend started giving trouble to the management and we nearly got a group ban. Then there was some other awkwardness after the game. I could talk a lot about it but to be honest I can't be bothered.

THe first thing I did as I got up was look at my tasks. I decided that the most pressing task was to finish a job application to a very special government department. I decided at that point that I had to do that application if it was the last thing I did.

Partly due to my fatigue overall after airsoft, it virtually was the last thing I did. Well, the DVD. Then I watched some Highlander. Then I read a book and finished it. Then more ebaying. Then feeling tired.

I have a few days of work this coming week. I am not even thinking about it and that's really bad. My brain just feels...dulled out.

I'm also thinking a lot about food and calories and that kind of thing.

Anyway. I'm going to post this, have a shower and then maybe go to bed and put some audiobooks on.

Things I did on thursday:

• Anxiety
• Felt low
• FOldering
• Messaged friend about airsoft gear
• Looking for balaclava (and found it)
• Watching Highlander on Netflix
• Put together loadout in bag
• Configured loadout 
• Tidy up wardrobe
• Body Attack

Dear Diary,

Today I woke up, went to work, played badminton and went home.

In the background of my thoughts I'm worried about my now old tablet (bought last year). it's on its last legs and I think it would be best if I bought a new one.

Overall today I did the following:

1. Work
2. Badminton
3. Talked my friend into coming to airsoft
4. Readability catchup (at work)
5. Watched highlander on netflix (after work)

I feel restless. It's nearly midnight and I actually want to go to bed. 

Something feels very wrong with this situation.

Perhaps I will do an email to one of my friends and then end the day, maybe put some radio on and tomorrow will be another day.

things I did on Monday:

• Archiving
• Gym direct debit paid
• Job search
• monthly review
• Netflix
• Purchased airsoft scarf
• Received 2 extra event shifts
• sent job application (not the one mentioned in previous post, that counts as a tuesday job application)
• Body Combat

That counts as a 9-activity day.

Not bad, compared to much of my days.

but I have more to do.

More to apply for.

dear diary,

there's a few jobs that open up this time of year...that I am scared of applying for.

APplied to one job just now, at The Sentinel, its' an admin/PA job. WOuld be nice if I got it, if I got it...

one of my payday matrices went up from £171 to £246.

that helps a bit. especially when i have multiple paydays. Every little helps as they say, and emphasis on little.

dear diary,

got 2 extra shifts..i think

Dear Diary,

I went on a date yesterday with Hannah. Hannah and I went to visit city of london, st pauls and then we went to the science museum in kensington. It was a great day, we had a lot of laughs, plus I got to see Newton and Leibniz.

One of the running jokes was: why is Newton in every exhibit in the science museum. If it were up to me the science museum would only have Newton and Turing and dancing bears on poles. But that's just my imagination.

So I'm really behind on my applications, really behind. I need to get my shit together. If I'm brutally honest I have control issues, namely a lack of control...I'm wanking way too much and chatting to some new women on fetlife, and I am also snacking way too much and it kind of makes my head swirl in a dizzy kind of way where it's comparable to me being drunk.

In fact I think gorging on junk food affects my brain worse than alcohol...something weird happens to my brain and I need to 'quit' it.

So I've got stuff to do today. I got some emails from Shambly asking for extra shifts. Extra shifts mean more money. I'm a bit down lately because I was approached to do a 1 week assignment at The Sentinel, but I had to say 'no' because I'm working 2 days that week and I can't cancel. I'm a PA for the sunday Sentinel next week and it wouldn't be good to say 'no thanks' to that.

I'm going to try and be focussed. You know what...I shouldn't channel what I'm going to do by saying 'I'm going to...' because I've been doing it too fucking much without any outcome.

In other news, today is september 1st...the day I started purging in 2007, before I started my masters.

September 1st is kind of like my september 11th, the day everything in my life changed, and fucked up. But like september 11th, it's probable that there are further antecedents that caused the chin of events that followed.

Anyway, onwards.