Monday, October 31, 2011

Over and over again. Over and over again (silent computer fan in background)

Dear Diary,

I've fucked messed things up quite a bit.As usual, I'm left disappointed. I've even fucked up the opportunity for the back up plan. I should show resilience. I despise how people these days, especially people my age show such optimism and such personality management that they appear to have everything under control.

I'll tell you how I feel: I'm not under control. I've fucked everything up. It started by trusting that fucking girl in 2007. I blame myself, it's all my fucking fault. I used to be somebody import and now I've lost my dignity. My weight loss has gone down over the past few days. I have commandeered control over it, thankfully. I haven't been at the gym for the past week due to the back injury which has now disappeared. In situations where things go bad, I should just try not to make it worse. Trying not to dwell on it being bad also helps. I will have to talk about this in counselling tomorrow. I don't know how to face it.

I don't know how to face the world. I hate when people ask what I'm doing these days or ask how interviews go, and all I can say is that I didn't get the job. There is a social convention that everything has to be alright and great and you can at least be philosophical about the bad things, but there's nothing to be philosophical about. There's no point in trying to console me

I want to lay down in bed and just think to myself: screw the world. I'd like to pretend I'm not me for a while either, I guess that's why I've been playing a bit more computer games lately. I've lost my motivation and my hope. I'm just trying to clutch on to the small things today. I feel very tempted to purge. I feel incredibly isolated, I feel quite disappointed with myself. I feel disappointed at the results of interviews, disappointed that I hoped so much. When I got the email I KNEW I didn't get it. I don't feel like going outside to do any weights. Maybe that is why I absolutely must do it.

These disappointments are really damaging me inside. They are destroying my confidence, taking away all the things that are inside me and replacing it with tar like dark, sticky despair. I'm in a room slowly surrounded by sludge, I sometimes try to clean little bits of it, but I realise that the more I try to clean it, the more the smear sticks to everything. Why do I bother, I should just let the sludge consume me.

I'm going to go to the gym after I click on the 'post' button. Friday was the day that decided everything. It certainly was, it destroyed me. I'm left with more days to destroy me over and over again. Over and over again. Over and over again.

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