Thursday, October 20, 2011

Ending a relationship

As I started today I thought that I have way too much to do, and then I realised this is only going to continue. I made a slow start to my day and just asked a question: can you get up? Yes. Can you sit up? Yes. Can you sit at the computer? Yes.

The day went on from there. Since about 11am I've been tidying documents that I've meant to deal with for months. I was initially going to fill out an NHS prescription cost exemption renewal form (HC2), since I need more shampoo for my scalp (my skin is flaring up again on the scalp). But in order to get the prescription, I need to deal with the expenses, and since my expenses are limited I need to get the form. In order to fill the form, I need certain documents, but they were in a messy folder so I sorted that out. I then found out that one document (a recent payslip) hasn't come in just yet so I needed to wait for it. For a simple thing like wanting shampoo, there is such a long process, and it seemed that I had even longer to wait once I actually dealt with it. Such is the way of life, a lot of following up and a lot of paperwork.

As I sorted through the documents, I thought about the memories they brought. Most of the documents are from the past year. Most of them are job rejections, a few things from when I was still on the dole, and a few other odd bits. Going through those documents reminded me of how I used to have triggers from the documents I used to keep. But that says more about the time it was, than now. I didn't as such have a trigger. I had a few disappointments, namely: "Ah I remember this interview..." and so on. I then found one document. It is some details about the place where I go counselling.

As I read through the details I was reminded of how over the past couple of months I have been thinking about ending the counselling sessions. I read through the document, and there were small processes to what I would do next. I read through to see if there was information about ending sessions. I then looked on google to see if there were any procedures. I then asked on a forum for anyone's experience of ending counselling. I then felt anxiety about the possibility of being without my support. I realise now that my counsellor has been a rock for me for the past year. I also realise that the time is right for me to leave, and the time is good for my finances to not be drained of £100 a month. I wrote the email, drafted it, then looked about for more information on the net. i realised that I was procrastinating so I started writing this blog post, I then stopped writing it and then sent the bloody email. Now that I've sent it, I feel that I have the chance to experience something that I never did before. I'm getting better, and I'm ending the support on that basis.

In the past I ended counselling by disappearing, not replying to emails and calls. In one instance she ended it with me, I was really upset when that happened. I was going through the worst moment of anxiety and she had to move on. That counsellor (I still remember her name) was so very supportive and kind. Sympathetic and caring, I'll never forget her. I was such a different person back then that just remembering those days makes me feel vulnerable. With the GPs and mental health professionals, I ended things by getting angry at them, and at the time that seemed relevant. I do believe, however, that I was unprepared and uncertain on how to end the relationship back then, as I am now.This is my next challenge.

Getting better isn't necessarily about things getting better, but more about being self sufficient and well enough to cope with the next challenges. I'm not saying its easy by any stretch, but I think that I can take it. If I can navigate through ending the counselling relationship, then I can cope with life without counselling. Part of the reason I wish to end it is that I find it incredibly supportive and comforting, so much so that I may become dependent on it. Losing the sessions will become a loss for me emotionally. I am reminded of the drugs that the doctors put me on, those drugs were so horrible that they recommended against going off them. "How can I get better if I'm on these drugs?" I would think to myself. One of the things that I thought was really difficult about living with depression was the prospect of having to be drugged up for the rest of my life? Is it possible that I'd be off it? That question was never really answered for me by the mental health staff, which gave me the impression that the answer was: No.

I do not feel that this is a rash decision, even though I decided it rashly today. I've been thinking about doing this for a few weeks now, and finding that document in my folder was the impetus that I needed to do it. If I didn't do it today, I don't know if I'll ever end the counselling, and that is a prospect that I do not find desirable. I guess I still have this blog to write to. I don't have many real people that I can talk to honestly, though. Maybe I should find someone with whom I can be myself with. That's second on my priorities after I find paid full time work!


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