Over and over again. Over and over again (silent computer fan in background)

Dear Diary,

I've fucked messed things up quite a bit.As usual, I'm left disappointed. I've even fucked up the opportunity for the back up plan. I should show resilience. I despise how people these days, especially people my age show such optimism and such personality management that they appear to have everything under control.

I'll tell you how I feel: I'm not under control. I've fucked everything up. It started by trusting that fucking girl in 2007. I blame myself, it's all my fucking fault. I used to be somebody import and now I've lost my dignity. My weight loss has gone down over the past few days. I have commandeered control over it, thankfully. I haven't been at the gym for the past week due to the back injury which has now disappeared. In situations where things go bad, I should just try not to make it worse. Trying not to dwell on it being bad also helps. I will have to talk about this in counselling tomorrow. I don't know how to face it.

I don't know how to face the world. I hate when people ask what I'm doing these days or ask how interviews go, and all I can say is that I didn't get the job. There is a social convention that everything has to be alright and great and you can at least be philosophical about the bad things, but there's nothing to be philosophical about. There's no point in trying to console me

I want to lay down in bed and just think to myself: screw the world. I'd like to pretend I'm not me for a while either, I guess that's why I've been playing a bit more computer games lately. I've lost my motivation and my hope. I'm just trying to clutch on to the small things today. I feel very tempted to purge. I feel incredibly isolated, I feel quite disappointed with myself. I feel disappointed at the results of interviews, disappointed that I hoped so much. When I got the email I KNEW I didn't get it. I don't feel like going outside to do any weights. Maybe that is why I absolutely must do it.

These disappointments are really damaging me inside. They are destroying my confidence, taking away all the things that are inside me and replacing it with tar like dark, sticky despair. I'm in a room slowly surrounded by sludge, I sometimes try to clean little bits of it, but I realise that the more I try to clean it, the more the smear sticks to everything. Why do I bother, I should just let the sludge consume me.

I'm going to go to the gym after I click on the 'post' button. Friday was the day that decided everything. It certainly was, it destroyed me. I'm left with more days to destroy me over and over again. Over and over again. Over and over again.

the storm will pass?

Dear Diary,

My anxiety triggers are more frequent, and worse in kind. I have an increasing feeling that I'm doing things incorrectly. I misread an email this week which meant that by the time I properly read it, I am no longer able to do the training course. So, my back up plan is no longer an option. Everything was in the air this week, so much in the air that I couldn't make good decisions.

It is abundantly clear that I'm still not good at making decisions. I was holding out so much for the best option that my back up plan fucked up, and the 'best options' didn't materialise. Today involved a bit of 'picking myself up'. I didn't do very much today, but I did enough to make the coming days uneventful. I went through an anxiety hell on Friday that had lots of other kinds of emotional repercussions. My plans are mostly dead in the water and all of my hopes and aspirations have been shot down, AGAIN.

I wish I had a way of making it all better. I guess controlled eating has helped. Over the past few days I have made a few good strides in my caloric intake. Namely through logging my calories in a much more stringent way. Feeling anxious has helped kill my appetite. I remember in the bad old days where I'd force myself to eat. I remember in the bad old days that I had uncomfortable and complex feelings that only in certain occaisions I can remember phenomenologically.

I'm going to close the day by simply reading magazines. I'll then listen to some audiobooks and try to remember that the storm will pass. My anxiety trigger for today just now was: an extra shift was offered, but I already had a shift that day (but not a conflicting shift). That means I will have to sign in and out twice. The uncertainty makes me uncomfortable. This sounds so pitiful and small, but it puts me emotionally in a place that has caused me a lot of pain this week. It's like opening the same emotional wound. I wonder how I can talk about this in counselling. How can I end sessions when its getting worse...

Dear diary,

 

Things aren't going well. I'd rather say less and weather this storm. I'm not feeling very sunny and bright. I'm having a massive anxiety episode. I think that I'm going to lay down and weather the storm. I've realised that it's too late to confirm about the course I was invited to, so basically, I'm not part of it now. That means I'm at the mercy of two interviews. Oh, and the one that 'happened' today? It didn't happen, like I say - I'd rather mention less about it. It didn't happen, it never happened, it was just 6 hours of my life I'll never get back.

I don't expect any positive news from the media job.

Troika

Dear Diary,

I woke up this morning with a thought: today has the potential to change everything. Perhaps in spite of that, or because of it, I got up quite soon and without too much trouble. Touch wood, I will hear back from the two interviews that I had over the past 7 days. In review, I've had 3 interviews in a 7 day period as well as worked 3 shifts, and decided to end counselling in 2 more sessions this week. On balance, maybe that covers for the fact that I've not had a chance to apply to many jobs. I've mainly tried to catch up on sleep and everything else. Ideally I'd still keep applying as things developed. 

I'm putting a lot of hope in the result of today. What outcomes could there be?

• Get offer for both jobs
• Get offer for one of the jobs
• Get no offers, start training course on monday
• Get no offers, start training course on monday, wait result of today's interview
• Get no offers, feel emotional crash

When I list it in that way, it doesn't sound as bad, although, I do feel pretty bad about putting so much hope in the results of my interviews. I'm so dependent on powers outside of me that it makes me incredibly vulnerable. That horrific interview last week had quite a dent on me emotionally, since it has been a week of not hearing back from them I expect that I didnt get the role. In addition, their website extended the application deadline by 2 weeks, even when they interviewed me *before* the application deadline. They have inconsistent and seemingly unfair hiring policy. That's not a good sign. Fucking media bastards.

Yesterday I was thinking how I may have weighed up against the other candidates. For the media role, they probably have someone who volunteered at Big Brother's studios or T4 or some other related role and they also happen to be super hot and sexy. For the other role I was interviewed for, they probably have someone with relevant administrative and executive experience who also knows CMS. I feel its much more likely that someone is better suited for the role I was invited to on Monday than others for the media role, but that said, they probably won't let me into the media place either.

So, that means: I'm back to square one already in my mind. IN a way that makes things easier in my mind. I need to think in my head that I didn't get those roles, so I wont' be disappointed. I'm so tired of feeling that I am close to getting the role when I have no chance. Who am I kidding. I have no chance at anything, the voice in my head that makes me want to purge is not external, its mine. In other news, my weight loss is showing more results, which means I'm back on track, and I've my back pain is reduced a lot more since last saturday. That means I can start back at the gym soon.

I guess I need to count any positives...

(annoying buzz sound of boiler)

Dear Diary,

 

I cleared up quite a few tasks this morning. I woke up early. I then proceeded to feel quite worried as the day went on, and now I feel quite low. Lots of things have piled up on me emotionally and I feel really low. I haven't got a response from the two interviews that I need to hear back from. This is really bad. I need to prep for the training course...but I wanted to tell them I got another job role so I am no longer available. I've not heard back from the interviews, and I REALLY need to.

Maybe I should count my blessings: I've gotten a place on a prestigious training course. I guess that's not so bad...why do I feel so shit right now? I'm pushing myself to get things done right now. I need to do interview prep, and two related tasks: prepare my clothes, and polish my shoes, oh, and shower.

I acknowledged some feelings of upset earlier, feelings of vulnerability, feelings of lonliness, feelings of sadness.

I want to purge. I'll try not to

(listening to more ministry of sound shittiness)

Dear Diary,

 

Let me just say that my day has been busy if one is to look at the number of tasks I've achieved on my list. I went to see the Occupy protest in St. Pauls before I went to work, I went to see Antonia there, as it happened. I was hoping that by the time I got home I would know the result of the interviews from Monday and last week. Unfortunately, I do not. That means that I'm being pushed further to wait. I can't really wait, I need to decide. In other positive news, I may have mentioned that I've been invited to another interview this friday. It's for a part-time role which I could happily fit into my schedule if I were doing the training course and my current part time job. That wouldn't be terrible (it wouldn't be the  best solution either), but it would be one step up from how things are now.

I need to remember that with all the things that are going on, I need to focus on my diet as well. I've gobbled a lot of corn on the cob as I got home, I think my calories today have been pretty good. I have a feeling that tomorrow is going to be a 'crash' day. I sincerely hope not. On the other hand it may be a slower paced day. I feel comfortable. In little ways, things are getting to agree with me. I might end my day with an audiobook rather than as I usually do with an extended session of masturbating. I wonder if my reduced sex drive is healthy?

I'm feeling a bit sad with the prospect of 'losing' my counsellor. I've become very dependent on her support, I've become dependent on her silent assurance. I feel an artificial sense of closeness to her, maybe because I was so open with her, I'm not open like that with anybody anymore. I should be...

Pensive, ( so why am I listening to ministry of sound remixes)

Dear Diary,

 

So, it's Wednesday morning. I've felt quite a lot of feelings over the past 24 hours, even though the day has started, I feel as if I've been through a lot. I've discussed the decision to end counselling with my counsellor. I felt awkward, anxious and uncertain. Like a true counsellor, she pointed out that these are feelings that I hate and situations that I hate putting myself in. I made the point that I need to do this and go through this process of ending, closure, because I didn't have the chance when I was being treated for depression.Strangely enough, once I got home I felt quite depressed (in the non technical sense). I felt sad about how much impact the counsellor has had on my life, it is strange how a woman that I have a non sexual attraction to or a non romantic interest that isn't my mother or sister or some other blood relative could have such an impact on my life.

When I talked through my decision, I felt less certain that it was the right thing to do, but I had as a belief and motivation that I had to end it some time. I talked about how this time of year upsets me because of 'memories' of the past. I'd rather think these days about the present and the amount that I have to do right now. The past is always there to revisit in my thoughts, but I need to live my life as well. So, let's talk a little about the present.

Last night I went to Badminton after counselling, I didn't do any weights but rather I was playing about with my neighbour who is my badminton 'coach'. I finished early and didn't do any cardio training. If I'm honest, that badminton really took it out of me at the time. I ventured home and passed a school friend of mine, we talked for a couple of minutes and then I agreed to meet him for a pint at some point next week. We'll sort it out somehow. As I got home I was so tired that I could barely have the motivation to eat. I snacked mostly instead of properly eating, my mum has been experimenting with a new dish which I quite like. I didn't properly count my calories but I suspect that I was way under 2000. This belief is justified when I got to weigh myself this morning and found that I've lost more weight. Over the past 5 days I have decided to try and take dieting more seriously, I've been far too complacent for two months and I've not lost any weight, but fluctuated around the same weight.

A lot of things have been hovering over my head last night, I've mentioned about this in the previous post, I've also been concerned about whether to cancel my shift, and I've decided to tell the boss (after failing to find someone to give it to) to cancel my place on the shift on Monday. It's 11.5 hours pay, and that would definately be welcome in my pay packet, but I just don't think I can do it. If I don't get the jobs interviewed over the past week, I can start the course.In addition to this, as I woke up my Inbox was filled with an invitation to another interview! It's for a role where my experience at Shambly Arena is relevant. It's another events and hospitality related job, and apparently it's a startup by a group of girly girls apparently they pay better than my current role. Considering all of the modalities and options that I've considered, another part time job might work in addition to a training course...

A lot of things are going on in my head right now, if I were truly rational I'd accord what I am thinking about to what I need to think about, but instead, I'm thinking about 1-2 things that are pertinent to my anxiety, namely: whether I'll get my shift cancelled without a problem; how to cope with life without counselling; will I hear from the job interviewers today?

I need to do something now that I haven't done in ages: I need to actually apply to a job! I've not done proper applications since the Funeral, or even before. In a way I'm glad in that I've actually been busy lately: working and interviews count as good reasons not to do anything else, but I still need to finish my tasks!

Kant's Forth Question

Dear Diary,

 

One way that my mind normally works is that the most anxiety-inducing thing is presented as foremost to my thoughts, and then everything else takes a secondary role. At the moment the most anxiety-inducing thing is my counselling session. I've gotten a letter from my counsellor saying that we can talk about ending sessions later today. I don't know if this is awkward, or if there's something I'm supposed to do, it's a new situation and thus, with no precedents, I feel at a loss as to how to react. Thinking about cancelling helps in a little way: I'll have money to possibly make ends actually meet a little bit more.

Other things should take precedence as well, lets make a tally:

1. Job interview yesterday: I need to know if they rejected me. If they haven't, I'm taking it. But then that means I have to turn down the other training scheme, and it depends on how the media company responds to me
2. Media company interview: I need to know if they rejected me.. If they haven't, and the one mentioned in 1. has, I'm going to undergo the next stage of the interview. This may mean I will have to take the disingenuous position of starting the training scheme and then leaving it, if they give me the position. Or I could end up in the highly undesirable position: turn down the training scheme that I've already accepted, and then get rejected. Three birds in the bush, and all I have to fondle are my balls emptied of oppurtunity (grautitous sperm joke)
3. If 1.,2, reject me, then I go for the undesired route of doing the training course. Since I've cancelled counselling I have the extra time to work on tuesdays, as well as the extra money to travel. Again this isn't desirable as I'm delaying the time in which I can one day get full time work.

Let me ask another question: what do I really want here?

1. Get a job
2. Maybe get a job that I like
3. Preferably get a job that fits a career profile
4. Get more money
5. With more money comes independence
6. I can stop being so dependent on my parents
7. I might have a shot at moving out and getting on the esteemed housing ladder
8. With a proper job I can go out with girls, go on dates, have fun times out, engage in activity hobbies that don't involve masturbating while listening to a 10 hour limit of music on spotify over youtube videos. I can go and see opera, lieder, go on proper holidays, take motorcyle lessons
9. Potential hope: Fund a PhD, or Masters ....

All of these basically answer to one thing: Getting a job will get my life back. No more limbo.

I feel as if I've set myself up for disappointment. The bastards who rejected me last month at the 'thinktank' really upset me. I had my hopes and aspirations set for that role and I ended up going nowhere. I even had to cancel on counselling for that. Is it possible for me to get my life back, get a job and a career, get a place to live in, earn a wage? These are the big questions that I never talk about or even think about, but really, that's why I'm doing all of this job search and job application bullshit that fills almost all of my day.

I feel more and more in recent days that I've been myself a lot more. I've been in a lot of social contact with people: interviews, friends, girls who like me and colleagues at work, that it's changing me a little bit as a person. I am changing in recent weeks. It's okay to change, it's not like I've stopped reading audiobooks and technical academic journal articles, hell, it's not that I've even given up on my fitness goals! (Note: lately I've had a bad back so I've put off training for a few days, I'm going to train later, but probably only cardio or things which dont hurt my back).

I suspect that the answer to some of these issues will resolve themselves as the days go on. I can't keep waiting though. The past three days I've not been terribly active (despite the fact that I had an interview and went to work yesterday, I didn't do any 'thinking' of my own) I've really beared my naked soul for this blog post, all the more to express how I really feel, in order for life to just crush me again. I'm always thinking and preparing for the worst...but can I hope?

My teacher used to say 'sleep on it' for big decisions.

Dear Diary,

I feel quite bad that I haven't done much today. I woke up in good time for the interview today, I *think* that I did the interview pretty well, but to be honest. How many people know how to use MS Outlook, support an executive and are familiar with the Higher Education System. Well put it this way, if any candidate knows how to use CMS then I've not got the job because 'we found a candidate whose experiences and skills more closely match the job role'. It did seem like a nice place to work, informal, but also a very formal workplace. My eye was strangely impressed or drawn to one of the panellists who looked quite young but was sporting greying hair, there is something quite dignified about a young woman who accepts greying hair. If I, as a man went through that I'd probably dye it all the time. Anyway that has Nothing To Do With The Job.

I'm not really counting on it, to be honest, but I will need to wait until Wednesday or Thursday before I need to make moves. I am waiting on the other job interview from Friday which will either reject me or invite me to another interview. That makes things uncomfortable because I need to decide my plan by the end of the week. In a way, I'd be releived if I was rejected from both roles because I'll have a sub optimal plan already from the get-go. I find it odd how I'm juggling between potential improvements rather than a good situation and a bad one. The best outcome isn't so clear, and each decision will have a loss.

 

Trainign Scheme is prestigious. Media job is a stepping stone to a potential larger career. Today's interview role is best paid, and a straight laced position.I don't think that the one today has the best social life after work, they all seem to be yummy mummies working there. That gives an opening if one of them ever leaves after having babies, I've heard many people choose not to go back to work after their child. I don't know one way or the other though, but I heard that from some HR people that I work with. Anyway, when I got home I had a bit to eat, and then I fell asleep for what seems to be 2 hours. Waking up I prepped for work, and now I'm ready to leave. The plan for the rest of the day seems to be: go to work; work; read book review book. I hope I get to work with someone nice for my shift today.

For someone who has to make big decisions this week, sleeping on it doesn't really seem helpful.

listening to audiobooks while anxiously posting.

Dear Diary,

I've sent off the request to end counselling. I'll hear from my counsellor probably in session on Tuesday. That's mainly been on my mind when it comes to keeping active, in addition I had a horrible interview on friday. I'd rather talk about something else for now. This weekend has been quiet. I woke up, went to work. Let's just say that recent events with #OWS had affected working conditions. However it was pleasantly contrasting to how I normally work. The shift ended early, I volunteered to leave because we had more than enough people to cover the shift. The way I saw it was that I recieved an extra shift on short notice for 5 hours, I will be paid for 4 hours and worked 2 of them.

I went home and was met with a lot of back pain. This time it was a different area of my back. The back pain still afflicts me. For this reason I chose to ignore my tasks until now. So right now I'm blogging to delay and procrastinate. The plan is to get some groceries for mum, which will culminate in a pleasant walk. I shall then venture on with my tasks of the day. Most of these seem to be job applications, I probably should read on with my book review. I should also prepare for the interview on Monday Morning. I kind of give off the impression that lots of things are going on. Maybe I'll give a list:

• I'm still reeling and returning to normal from the funeral (I know its not a good excuse to make, but I'd be lying if I said it didn't affect me)
• I have been invited to a training scheme
• I have had an interview earlier this week
• I have been invited to two further interviews this week, one tomorrow (next week) and the other the week after
• I will need to decide, if I'm offered a job from one of the two interviews (one of the interviews applies to a job next year), whether I will take it and have to decline from the training scheme that I've already been offered (a bit of a downer if I do).
• I've decided to stop counselling. This will mean a few things:
• I'll have less emotional support/I'm on my own/things might get difficult again
• I'll have more money to make ends meet.

I'm dealing with situations where there are so many possible outcomes, I'm not sure how things will pan out. I am sure that all of these actions will change my life situation, maybe in small ways, maybe in not small ways. My uncle has died, things have definately changed without him. I will either have taken a training course giving me lots of important work experience, or things will get lots better as I am offered the illustrious 'proper job', and I'll be a proper grown up that doesn't operate out of mum and dad's house. 

I've got groceries to get. Mum wants me to carry something heavy back home. I didnt tell her about my back, but she probably knows since I put an ice pack inside my shirt.

Onwards, as they say ...

Ending a relationship

As I started today I thought that I have way too much to do, and then I realised this is only going to continue. I made a slow start to my day and just asked a question: can you get up? Yes. Can you sit up? Yes. Can you sit at the computer? Yes.

The day went on from there. Since about 11am I've been tidying documents that I've meant to deal with for months. I was initially going to fill out an NHS prescription cost exemption renewal form (HC2), since I need more shampoo for my scalp (my skin is flaring up again on the scalp). But in order to get the prescription, I need to deal with the expenses, and since my expenses are limited I need to get the form. In order to fill the form, I need certain documents, but they were in a messy folder so I sorted that out. I then found out that one document (a recent payslip) hasn't come in just yet so I needed to wait for it. For a simple thing like wanting shampoo, there is such a long process, and it seemed that I had even longer to wait once I actually dealt with it. Such is the way of life, a lot of following up and a lot of paperwork.

As I sorted through the documents, I thought about the memories they brought. Most of the documents are from the past year. Most of them are job rejections, a few things from when I was still on the dole, and a few other odd bits. Going through those documents reminded me of how I used to have triggers from the documents I used to keep. But that says more about the time it was, than now. I didn't as such have a trigger. I had a few disappointments, namely: "Ah I remember this interview..." and so on. I then found one document. It is some details about the place where I go counselling.

As I read through the details I was reminded of how over the past couple of months I have been thinking about ending the counselling sessions. I read through the document, and there were small processes to what I would do next. I read through to see if there was information about ending sessions. I then looked on google to see if there were any procedures. I then asked on a forum for anyone's experience of ending counselling. I then felt anxiety about the possibility of being without my support. I realise now that my counsellor has been a rock for me for the past year. I also realise that the time is right for me to leave, and the time is good for my finances to not be drained of £100 a month. I wrote the email, drafted it, then looked about for more information on the net. i realised that I was procrastinating so I started writing this blog post, I then stopped writing it and then sent the bloody email. Now that I've sent it, I feel that I have the chance to experience something that I never did before. I'm getting better, and I'm ending the support on that basis.

In the past I ended counselling by disappearing, not replying to emails and calls. In one instance she ended it with me, I was really upset when that happened. I was going through the worst moment of anxiety and she had to move on. That counsellor (I still remember her name) was so very supportive and kind. Sympathetic and caring, I'll never forget her. I was such a different person back then that just remembering those days makes me feel vulnerable. With the GPs and mental health professionals, I ended things by getting angry at them, and at the time that seemed relevant. I do believe, however, that I was unprepared and uncertain on how to end the relationship back then, as I am now.This is my next challenge.

Getting better isn't necessarily about things getting better, but more about being self sufficient and well enough to cope with the next challenges. I'm not saying its easy by any stretch, but I think that I can take it. If I can navigate through ending the counselling relationship, then I can cope with life without counselling. Part of the reason I wish to end it is that I find it incredibly supportive and comforting, so much so that I may become dependent on it. Losing the sessions will become a loss for me emotionally. I am reminded of the drugs that the doctors put me on, those drugs were so horrible that they recommended against going off them. "How can I get better if I'm on these drugs?" I would think to myself. One of the things that I thought was really difficult about living with depression was the prospect of having to be drugged up for the rest of my life? Is it possible that I'd be off it? That question was never really answered for me by the mental health staff, which gave me the impression that the answer was: No.

I do not feel that this is a rash decision, even though I decided it rashly today. I've been thinking about doing this for a few weeks now, and finding that document in my folder was the impetus that I needed to do it. If I didn't do it today, I don't know if I'll ever end the counselling, and that is a prospect that I do not find desirable. I guess I still have this blog to write to. I don't have many real people that I can talk to honestly, though. Maybe I should find someone with whom I can be myself with. That's second on my priorities after I find paid full time work!

Onwards!

don't start what you can't fini

Dear Diary,

 

I've noticed that I've blogged on here less. Perhaps today is the only day in the past week or so that I've not felt that I'm in a big rush. I should get back to applying for more jobs. Today I spent about 2 hours writing a cover letter to apply for a writer position. Am I a writer? I dunno, but I guess I could see if I could get in for the opportunity. Yesterday I did some intensive training. Today I may do more of the same, or I may not. I'm painfully aware that I'm overeating. I have a problem with food. Since my uncle died 2 weeks ago I've been binging on and off. I've initially given myself some slack for it, feeling stressed and all, but now I need to quit the habit. I'm going to take my pocket money out of my bag so I don't have a choice when I get back from Training.

I've got to go now. I wanted to say moer but I'm in a hurry

Talk soon.

Dear Diary,

Today has been catchup. I've done a little bit of catching up. I've also done a touch of replying to emails and sorting out the coming few days. I actually look forward to the prospect of just having some normality after tomorrow. Thinking about the funeral and dealing with it has gotten to my head a bit. I'm glad that I've cleared up as much as I did. Invariably there is lots more I could do or could have done. But I'll leave it for another day. I feel like I could sleep now, at an early 7pm.

Perhaps its just enough to get done today.

After a funeral, life goes on.

Dear Diary,

What can I say about yesterday? It was a funeral. I woke up at 4:30am, got home at 7pm, left at 4:30pm, spent 3 hours in a car with my brother. Then I realised how much energy and anxious social energy I was using. I then felt a big crash as I got home, which is totally understandable. The runeral was in a way, a positive experience. We all cried, we all shared tears, we were supportive and there for each other. I love my family, I love them as people and I love them because I have to. I love them because we are different, but in embarrassing ways, we are also the same.

I cried quite a bit yesterday, if I'm talking about superlatives, it would be the first time I've ever seen a dead body. It definately will not be the last. To use a phrase of ebonics, the shit got real. As I got home, I barely ate anything. Perhaps for the first time in weeks, I chose not to think about my schedule. Perhaps I'll talk about the funeral another time, I think it needs more processing to deal with and acknowledge. As I was in the house, I felt like my uncle would at any moment be around the corner and sitting in the chair as he always did. According to testimonies, my uncle died peacefully in his house, sitting on a sofa, watching his beloved garden. I miss him, and I miss what he represented.One other telling experience was that when the coffin casket was open, my friend Merv stood up out of his wheelchair to say goodbye. That was really powerful for me to see, and really a strong expression for him. Merv can stand from time to time but it's really hard...really, damned hard.

My intention for this week was to go back home after the funeral and get on slowly with the rest of my month. There are lots of things to do, not least to mention the PhD applications and the upcoming interview that I need to think about. As it happened, everything seemed to have exploded in activity when I got home. I got asked out on a sort-of date. A woman that I've been chatting/flirting with has asked me on an impromtu basis to come along to an opera with her. Well, it's not quite an opera, but a live performance telecast of an opera. How could I say no? So I'm going to get there in a couple of hours. I've also recieved an extra shift at work (It almost makes up for my cancelled shift yesterday). I also, gasp, received an offer from the interview on monday. Of all things its not paid. So I really need to think hard about accepting it.It's a course, its work experience, its also indispensable, but can I afford to go? If I get offered a full time job, then no. If I work within my current job, and then work around some finances...then maybe. Perhaps there is some kind of word play significance: after a funeral, my life is going on.

We all have our time to die, but I want my time to live as well.

I've got lots to get on with now. Laters.

things on my mind

I thought I'd prepare a list of things that are on my mind, or should be on my mind right now:

 

1. Anxiety: Planning for Funeral this week

2. Follow up Interview invitation

3. Follow up transcript requests with university

4. Prepare PhD Applications

5. Job applications (i need to keep going with the schedule)

6. Back pain - should I train?

7. Plan book review assignment

8. Finances - I'm FUCKED

9. Incident with friend - where I fucked up

 

I think that's the whole list. There are all interreated concerns and things that are causing me angst and that I need to find some way wherin to deal with them all at once. I've cleared my schedule for all of today except for training and counselling. I need still to work out a way to get home after the funeral

all things strive to exist?

Dear Diary,

I seemingly did not finish the blog post that I intended to write last night. It doesn't matter. I feel incredibly anxious today. Something has backfired really badly and it has a few implications:

 

• Someone will get into trouble for what i've done
• I've messed up a friendship
• I am not going to find a place to sleep over on the night before the funeral

I've had some back pain over the past couple of days now, it has immobilised me. I have lots to think about and no effort in me to deal with it. Today is the first day I've put the radiator on since its started to get cold again. That's slightly depressing. On the plus side, it does help me get out of bed when there is heat in the room. Comfort in the duvet is deceptively unproductive.

So, I must get on with the day. There's a bit to think about, priorities are:

• Catch up with schedule/dont get behind
• Confirm details about media company interview
• Organise route to funeral later on this week (probably will involve taking a train on the day)

Non priority worries:

• Should I go to badminton/training later today?
• How can I fix the problem I made with the friend/will I get into serious trouble?
• Can I keep motivated?

 

My head is in quite a daze right now. I need to push on somehow. I feel incredibly stupid, what I've done is incredibly stupid. I guess I have to carry on in some way.

Silence in the afternoon (of my own thoughts)

Dear diary,

 

After a few productive and arguably trouble-free days, I feel a bit of an emotional crash today. I'm back to square one emotionally, physically it feels that way, and in terms of my life and prospects and how things have usually been over the past couple of years, I'm very much back to where I was again. No sign of progress.

Fuck.

So today, I could do as I usually do and find some way to pick everything up and not only complete all of my tasks, but also push on forward with the rest of my week and create some semblance of productivity. Or I could just laze about. Right now I feel like just sitting up would be a plus. I could think about all the platitudes that I think about when I feel down: start where you are, or 'justkeepmoving justkeepmoving' from 'Nemo. My uncle died on monday, and I've given a little bit of thought and processing about it, but not very much. Perhaps today as I go through the day, I may ponder. I mainly seem to be living lives through other people's eyes, but never my own. That should change.

I think that today will be alright. I still have a chance to rectify things.

As I say so often: onwards!

Listening to some generic lounge music and feeling pretty tired

Dear Diary (I find this prefix comforting),

I am pretty tired today, and I feel like a massive bowel movement is long overdue. In my previous post, I talked about how busy Tuesday was going to be, and Monday was relatively occupied as well (also I found out that my uncle died on monday). Yesterday I had a specific plan for the day, and to some extent, it all went to plan. I did an interview which lasted 4 hours, I hate the fact that I had to be friendly with the competition, I hate the fact also that in the group exercise, I mentioned that we needed to use a quantitative research design process, and when the girl in my group mentioned it in the presentation, she presented it as if it were her idea, and she didn't know what she was talking about clearly. I just wanted to catch her out and say: so, what is a qualitative social research method? Can you tell me the epistemological, practical and ethical issues relating to this kind of method?

Anyway after the interview I just kept thinking about all the shit I have to do the next day (ie today), I had an interview to reply to, I had to do another graduate competency test, and as I finished up in badminton, I had two other tasks to deal with, I had to rearrange a possible time with counselling, and I recieved (shock) another interview invitation! That means I have three interviews this month, one for yesterday, another next week, and one on the 24th. I must say that's not a terrible pace I've kept up. As it happens (this is totally not what I intended), two of the roles are in the same sector, and its a profession I totally would not have considered. Anyway, all of these applications are setting plans up for the future, potential futures. I'm just sowing loads of seeds.

With that in mind, I also have yet to hear from the people I ordered the transcripts from, I have also two PhD oppurtunities to look up, both of which are in the Netherlands (odd, but you have to go where the money is...). I not only have these things to think about in the distant future, I also have to do a lot of shit for today, and I'm blogging about doing it which doesn't involve doing it! No, blogging right now is jsut as important. I am emotionally and mentally processing all of this.

As I got home, I felt physically and mentally fatigued. I did have a strange feeling of elation, it was like feeling drunk. Maybe it was all the activity in the gym, maybe it was the fact that I was the most knowledgeable person in the room for many instances that day, maybe it was the fact that I was starving and getting delerious. As I came home I noticed nobody in the house, so I got some takeaway for sustenance. I wouldn't normally do that but my parents were out, plus I hadn't eaten anything at all. I had a massive binge, but it was only one meal that day. Both are probably unhealthy, but I have to say: it was damned satisfying.

I was so tired yesterday I almost was too tired to jack off, I say almost because I still did, but it wasn't a very horny moment for me. Well, that's a lie, I was really horny, but the fatigue took my arousal down to make it quite painful. So today, I have much to think about and plan. That's a good thing I suppose. I'm also thinking about how tomorrow will pan out, and when my next gym session is. I could do a session today but that would make 3 consecutive days, I could wait until friday (thursday is too busy) but that would be two days after instead of having a day in between of rest. That's probably better than consecutive days, and no gym at all for therest of the week. I did give my shoulders and arms some good abuse over the past couple of days.

Lately I've also measured my bodyfat with my weighing measure. My bodyfat seems to change quite radically with each gym session, 4 or so days ago it was 25.9%, today it is 25.1%. I don't mind being overweight, if my bodyfat is low. Hulk Hogan used to be 300lbs and it was mostly muscle. Why am I thinking so much about Hulk Hogan? Very strange...

Anyway, I should get back to my day, I have a lot to do, and I'm pretty ravenous with hunger as well.

And I will say as well: yesterday was a 'pat-on-the-back' moment.

Norah Jones in the evening

I'm listening to Norah Jones at the moment. I'm in the house alone, I've just finished supper. I can't concentrate right now. All I am thinking about is my uncle. I should try to get the next few tasks done and then maybe just rest out the day. I've got to prepare for the interview tomorrow, and then I need to plan the route, then plan the itinerary of the day. Finally I'll need to respond to two things that came up suddenly. I've been invited to an interview, and I've been invited to do an online assessment.

You'd think that would help my mood. No, maybe you wouldn't. Someone is supposed to feel sad when they receive news like I did. I saw him just over a week ago, and now my uncle is gone. I love Norah Jones, she reminds me of a scared 18 year old who became me.

My dad said: I've got some bad news...

Dear Diary,

There has been a death in the family. I've just found out about 10 minutes ago as I got home. I literally cannot believe it. I still need to get on with a few tasks of my day. My parents are going to make a visit to the bereaved. I literally don't know how to react. I'm shocked, maybe that's a reaction in itself...

I'll need to keep this in mind as I plan the rest of my weeks, to put in time for the funeral and such.

I can't believe my uncle died. I'm glad that I saw him recently, death is the one thing we cannot cheat.

A blog post that isn't about conditionalisation

Dear Diary,

I have so much determination and very little to show for it.

Lets talk about the weekend first. I went to see my family on Saturday. The weather has been exceptionally warm, in a sense it is like a redux of summer, a Rolling Stones 'Last Ever Tour', a chance to catch up on the feeling of summer and do all those things that people wanted to do in the summer but didn't, another (metaphorically speaking) chance to confess your love to that special someone, well, that's kind of how it feels for many people. Some friends of mine were planning a BBQ but I declined, Instead I went to meet up with another friend who was leaving the UK for good. That was sunday. On Sunday, I ended up visiting the British Museum, and then we were hanging out in some bar in Islington. Then I went to chinatown to eat, I couldn't finish the food, I feel bad about that.

This weekend was more about 'doing', than calculated google calendar tasks, that invariably meant that this morning will be very packed of tasks. On Friday I decided to apply for another Masters degree, I've set the cogs in motion and GCal has set various tasks to catch up with that. Today I have done everything that I've set for today (one grad scheme I chose not to apply to as it wasn't relevant to my skill set, another one I put the wrong deadline - FUCK), but I did, however, manage to complete a TeachFIrst application, on the off chance I might get in, maybe I'll train as a primary school teacher. I'm leaving lots of options open.

So I'm blogging right now as an avoidant action. I've set myself a task: Interview preparation. I have three seperate interview prep tasks:

1. Prepare myself for specific questions about social science research methods (ugh, I have to be all academic again!)
2. Prepare myself with being familiar with the organisation, not as hard but just long winded
3. Prepare my route

I'll do 1, go to the gym, then do 2,3 when I'm back home. Now I'm going to touch up on the epistemology and ethics of qualitative research.

So, talking about all of that helps me, because there's another parallel mental process going on, that's a little bit more academic, I'm thinking about conditionalisation

On being a Single Issue Promoter

Many times I've come across other bloggers in person, or activist types who can be very lucid about their chosen subject, but they are asymmetrically dull and irrational about some other discourse. Or, their frame of reference on the world is so totalised by a single issue (such as Gender, social justice or some specific cultural movement) that even issues that are tenuously related fail to capture the nuance of the issue beyond their single issue or frame.

This can sometimes be understood as the general fallacy of "appeal to limited pool of knowledge". I'm also reminded of the term by RM Hare, which describes a person who construes their worldview by a single notion or perspective. One of the ways in which the 'religion versus new atheists' discussion can be framed is in terms of two incompatible bliks. So long as the bliks are immune to criticism, they are always antagonistic. Consider for instance, the specific claim that religious belief is tantamount to child abuse, or that it is because of religious and non secular education that fuelled Islamist terrorism. In some respects this evidentially false. Many of the plotters were university educated in subjects such as engineering. Talk about having an evidenced based approach!

 

I'm always self conscious about whether I have a blik on the world. Writing in multiple blogs and with multiple voices helps me be reflective and self conscious. This is my blog for venting, but having time to walk away from this blog and whatever everyday tasks I'm doing also helps give me perspective. I suppose that inspires the thought that is more succinctly stated by Nietzsche when he says: Many of my best thoughts came to me when I was walking.

Dear diary,

 

I feel frustrated and limited means of expressing it.

 Nothing seems to be working Things right now are not in the ordered way I like them. My mum changed the pillowcases in my room and I feel utterly disturbed by this. I have things that I need to do and she interrupts the order. Now I can't focus on anything else and I feel frustrated about this fact. I'm also in the background of what I'm feeling, frustrated that my only interview is for a fucking unpaid internship when i'm 25 fucking years old. I SHOULD BE DOING BETTER BY NOW

I want to throw something around and express this feeling by getting angry and behaving destructively. But now I need to just find an envelope to order the documents that I printed earlier

(Listening to generic European power metal)

Dear Diary,

Today has been quiet a rollercoaster in some moments. I then had boring moments, busy moments and emotionally difficult moments. Maybe a summary of the day is in order. I started the day feeling pretty shit. I felt that if I spent today just laying in bed, I might be able to get away with it since I sent off those four applications a couple of days ago. I felt low, and then later on in the day I was ...oh wait I've already talked about that anger trigger. So after that moment, I decided to get a hair cut, then I looked at one task, which was: investigate Masters in Research funding oppurtunity. I bit the bullet and made a decision in my mind that I will apply. Even though I technically didn't do anything, I have set the following tasks:

1. (Set time to) Print application form
2. Set time to Prepare application form
3. Order a new pair of degree transcripts
4. Sent email following up degree transcript query
5. Scheduled follow up time RE: degree transcript issue

I then applied to 3 jobs, clarified the application about one grad scheme and then for the rest of the day I was just lazing and playing a game. According to my schedule, my day consisted of 7 major tasks. I'd count 8 if 'sorting out grad scheme application' counted, but I didn't finish the application so that doesn't count. I feel quite a sense of achievement. To add to that positive feeling, I've also managed to listen to a whole lot of Radio 4, I've lately been following a series called 'Life and Fate' by a Russian author. It's pretty dark it is fair to say.

I've also planned the next few days with relation to my Masters in research application, interview and I've decided to reserve Sunday as a social day. I've also decided to give Saturday (today) morning a training session. I almost have reason to feel proud. But then I realised that I need to lose a lot more weight. I'll try to work on that tomorrow.