Monday, March 16, 2009

List my feelings and then let them go

1. The university that I did my undergraduate and postgraduate degree in, that also rejected me has advertised today that they have 3-4 studentships for postgraduates.

2. I am coming to the realisation of my flaws

3. I am fat (again)

4. I'll make an effort to lose the belly

5. I don't see how fat I am in front of the mirror; it is as if I have reverse-bulimia goggles: as if I wish to ignore the laziness that I have (contrasted to the original state of seeing myself as too fat).

6. I have been fucked over with another council tax bill from 2007-8.

7. My life is almost in tattters: I'm not in university, I have no job, and perhaps worse of all: my dream of becoming an academic has been ruined because of an honest admission: I spent too much time thinking about Marie and not doing the work that I should have: I just assumed that it would be there to be done and done well; that I'd just pull it off.

I longed for reaching a point in my life where I 'made it'. I think I have made it, in the sense that Im no longer destroying my life but now picking up the pieces that I did not see were falling apart.



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