Saturday, July 5, 2008

Dead inside but still alive

Yesterday I had an introspective revelation about me.

I'm dead.

What does this mean?

When I started uni I was a person; I had friends, beliefs about myself, the world, happiness, where I wanted to be, who I wanted, what I wanted, what would make me happy...

As first year went on, those things went away. Slowly, I found all those core elements of myself faded away into nothing. Lets call this person preconatus.

Depression came, anxiety came, doctors and meds came, but none of them went away.

When I was incarcerated (trigger warning), I felt like it was truly gone.

Some part of me, irreplaceable, has gone.

The reason I can get angry is that...the old barrier I had of sensibility is gone...there is nothing to hold me back now.

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