and, you're fat!

when I think of how I could be successful and organised...I despair at how I have failed myself.

But then, my attention turns to the fact that I am fat.

I sweat too much.
I am fat
I havne't gotten a PhD arranged yet.
I don't know if I'm going to
I don't know if I'll have the money
My MP3 player is broken...

I'm without an MP3 player....

it's weird, ya know. There was a time in my second year of uni; that was when my anxiety started.

There were periods where I felt utterly utterly lost. Lost in time, lost in history, lost in place. I was so envious of those people who had moved on in their lives; those people who had moved forward.

Where, look at me, I thought; I had nothing; and I WAS FAT; I couldn't get a girlfriend, cos I was fat; but I thought then to myself, what a shallow thought, but then I thought look how much you have degraded in your integrity to think about girls and feel upset by this.

*Trigger*

I just felt a trigger now; I need to tell my story before I digress into another one.

So in my second year, my laptop broke. My laptop was from my dad that he bought in 2003. You know, it was pretty cool cos I never had a laptop before. I sort of stole it off him as I started uni. I had my porno on it, wanked off using it, and played games. At the time, I thought it was the top of the range. Now I have two laptops, a PDA, and a new MP3 player with wifi on the way. Anyway...

At the period where my computer broke, I was lost, I needed my funding body to give me my disability equipment, but I was lost for about 2 weeks; lost my notes and all that. I felt so utterly alone during those days. I had no friends, and those old friends that I did have I held on to them for my dear life; and you know what? They were the sucky friends, the ones who make you miserable; well, I was miserable anyway, give a starving man poison water and you see him drink.

I felt so very lost during those days, I had so little going for me.

My life, the peak of my life is in the very cusp of being granted. If I can fight I will achieve.

It never stops getting harder, not for me. Why doesn't it get hard for anyone else? Why is everything against me? It's all my fault.

....AND, YOU'RE FAT

I miss marie very dearly. I haven't purged in a few days.

I wonder if this means I don't have an eating disorder.

I was only purging for a month or so when I met marie...at the time I was just starting and I don't think it counted.

I tell the GP but they just way "okay" and are on with it....

Part of me thinks that I am not alone. If I wasn't alone, why aren't they helping me.

I wonder to myself. Did I really help her? Did I make a difference to her life?

Why wasn't I good enough?

I feel this strong suspicion she is having it off with some other guy (or girl); or both at the same time... that makes me want to purge.

I ate some KFC today. I could go and purge it right now. But I feel hungry now...I might end up eating more and having net calorie gain.

Maybe I can eat negative calories....

When will it end?

Wow

Found some random stuff just earlier...youtubing all the pieces I used to play on the piano...it was such a different time.

It was like a 19thC British idyllic summer; quaint, subtle, yet Romantic

My memories, my life is so disjointed from that past...but I am okay with that now. My depression used to be at the start, trying to come to terms with that change.

Embarrassment

Did something REALLY EMBARRASSING today.

I turned the light off in an office as I left it.

Perhaps it sounds stupid to you or, like, how is this embarrassing?; well I was a stranger, or outsider to the office, and the act of turning on or off a light is like, intimate, and not my place to do.

FUCKING HELL that was embarrassing.

Okay; so, now, what?
How do I deal with embarrassment?

There are two seperate questions involved:

1. Social
2. Attitudinal/personal

The first issue, I have no idea; first, an apology, but then, comes the second issue; attitudinal. What is it that I feel when I am embarrassed? Failure, a sense of regret, a sense of irevoccably ruining a situation, a sense of trying to save myself.

Save myself? How?

There are ways I try to save myself when I feel embarrassed. One way I am often said to do is to make dirty jokes, or say something inappropriate in a way that is to be funny.

Avoidance strategies, basically.

I guess, that's a big fault I have from my dad.

I need to learn how to cope with embarrassment

fresher

I sometimes get flashes of memory from my first year of university.

I want to write more about this...

I get snapshots, gestalts of an experience indexical to back then, but I cannot find the gestalt of now, that unifies one gestalt of the past to the now; such that it forms a genuine gestalt.

personal tutors

in a way, my undergraduate years represent my deepest shame.

I just had a trigger in writing the previous post; when I thought of "mother loves me"; it reminds me of something that one of the personal tutors said; because I didn't reveal my depression to my family, and he said I should cos they love me.

I know my parents love me, but I don't want a stranger like that personal tutor to tell me.

Furthermore, he treated me very impersonally, like the doctors

I don't like being treated like that

mummy

Im not particularly eloquent right now for two reasons; one, i'm tired, and two, i find this emotionally difficult to talk about right now. BUt I will anyway.

Do you ever remember the perfect comfort of being loved? The perfect sustaining and dependence that only a mother can give?

I miss it so much. My mum has always been there for me and always gave me tenderness.

But eventually, I grew up and her affection for me left. It is in a sense, that I have no mummy anymore; I have a biological mother, and there is no doubt that she loves me (trigger just happened right now...)...but its as if she takes me as an adult (in this relevant respect, and not others); I want to have a mummy again, in the sense of having that wonderful caring tenderness and understanding, that support and comfort, that understanding and dependence.

I want it in a woman. I want mummy.

But as a side point, because I love that feeling so much, I like to be like a mummy to people sometimes; in being supportive, caring, listening, and there for others. Like how I was there for Marie...
okay two triggers sprung

better go now (one more post though to explain trigger 1)

task for the week

1. Apply for job
2. Talk to Supervisor about Dissertation
3. Talk to supervisor about being a referee...
4. Talk to supervisor about formulating a PhD thesis
5. Talk to supervisor about formulating a PhD

But I remember hearing someone, someone saying, don't think about the
things that hold you back, but the reasons why you want to do it, if
you imagine the big picture, the small details will be worked out.

If these work out...

I'll be alright :)

believe in myself...believe...I'm like that little train, I can do it, I believe...

Fat-isms part 2., or a list of my faults

1. Having a cramp
2. Breathing heavy
3. Excessive sweating
4. Having 'clicks' in your bones all the time
5. Wearing heavy clothes to hide your shame
6. Exhaustion
7. Hunger
8. Excessive eating of comfort foods
9. Wearing loose clothes
10. Having crumb stains on your shirt
11. needing to take a break from over-excertion
12. being loud
13. Trying to make jokes all the time
14. Trying to emphasise 'personality' as a turnon, cos your looks can't do it, but by purposely doing this, it makes your personality a bit ugly (the real solution is not to care at all)
15. Being a virgin
16. Facing the irony of being sexually inadequate and having no actual functionality in sex, yet thinking that you do...
17. Being ugly
18. Being stupid
19. Acting stupid
20. Trying to appear funny, but just appear pathetic as a result

Part 2:

21: Excessive coughing and general vocal loudness
22: Being jealous of superior thin people
23: making lots of mess when eating (crumbs, general fat and food stains on your shirt as a sign of your eating
24: poor eating manners (see 23)
25: hanging out with other fat people
26: being with other fat people to not feel so bad about yourself and lie to yourself about how fat you are
27: Not being around skinny people
28: Not being around girls
29: Not being around successful people
30: being a loser
31: no one liking you
32: feeling giddy when talking to a girl
33: feeling shy around girls because you are indimidated by their beauty
34: being so pathetic that you can't tell when a girl is full of shit, because of your low sense of self esteem, you would resort to being with any girl because you are a pathetic loser who has no conception of what an ideal girl is, anyone who exhibits vaguely female characteristics would do for you; whether they have that girly smell, even if they smell a bit disgusting, you won't mind cos you probably believe you won't ever get this close to a girl
35: making a bigger deal about girls because you don't talk to them
36: complaining that you can't get girls but are blind to the fact that its that kind of behaviour that is endemic of why you cannot get girls; the real solution is just not to care
37: having low quality food
38: having low quality (and further, fat) friends
39: having low quality ideals
40: being unwilling to change; because 'oh its gonna take ages to lose weight'
41: making excuses for your inadequacy

Let me tell you. This does sound like a harsh list.

These are all my faults; most of them I have taken away,
most of them, I am slowly working on
Some, I still have.

selfish?

when i think about my own marie and feel down about it; it is predominantly my own worry; am i ever worried about her independently of my own self-wish to be near to her?

This is a troubling thought...it is as if i would do anything for her, so long as it is me....

i feel so much anguish right now, to discover this.

too late

i used to have this worry

after the hospital incident; even if things got better; and the girl of my dreams came along...

i'd still feel a great loss and irreperable death inside.

i've lost my sense of self from that experience.

ive lost my ability to feel true joy.

all i do is wank all day...and read for my masters

angry

i feel angry because the UPS people again FAILED to properly contact me in their delivery.

I was here at 14:32...this is urgent and I need my PDA.

I feel something that I don't know how to articulate.

I am angry at the UPS people. I feel like I didsn't give them enough details; bcause I'm in halls, do they ring on the buzzer, or go to the office?

Did they ring on my buzzer? Did they expect it to be in the mailbox of the office? I feel angry because I don't know what they expect of me...why isn't it working for me?

I feel angry in a way that I don't want to just fly off the handle. I want to try and cope and be constructive; it feels like, I'm holding it in. Holding it in to not get angry

Holding it in to deal with it. Damage control.

But letting it out isn't good, nor is holding it in; okay, so middle way; let it out in some other way?

How?

I shall try to be aware that I am angry right now; so I won't get angry at something unrelated.

inconsistent rationalisation

I just got a text right now.

Antonia wants to go out and have a picnic with me on wednesday.

I have (as I am reluctant to talk about) a lot of work to do; in fact, 15, 000 words for thursday.

I've done, sofar, 0.

I'm a bit stressed; and the last thing I want is a distraction.

I'm sure she would be upset if I told her that.

HOWEVER, I thought to myself; I am being unreasonable:

Counterfactual; if Marie asked me to spend time with her, or took my time in the next few days; I would, without a thought, follow her.

But I still have the work to do.

I appeal to the reason that I am busy for Antonia, where I wouldn't for Marie.

I feel uncomfortable that I would reason in this kind of way. So, I must punish myself by abstaining from everything.

I feel so angry right now...I have to tell her that I have this work. Antonia is ot being very helpful to me by demanding my time. (a valid point)

It is unreasonable that (counterfactual), if marie demanded of my time at this period I would do what she says.

I'm angry at myself for such disregard, or myself, my work, Antonia.

I feel so low right now.

new task for myself

i was just looking at my body now; and i found one serious problem area. My thighs.

I used to say to myself (during the fat days); that my legs were the most redeemable part of mybody. Especially since I had very thick legs. I used to feel good about having big big thighs which had a big of muscle in them.

Now, I want that to change. I want thin legs, a thin body, andwhile I am not against having muscular legs. They can't be msucle hidden within fat...like a turkey leg. No more fucking turkey leg or me anymore.

I need to tone up my leg

The other reason is how big my thighs look against my penis. I need to have definition.

In a way...if I lose the thighs, I am losing an important part of who the old me used to be..I need to lose muscle to lose weight. I guess that sounds crazy to someone else...

Episodic lives

I guess I watch too much tv or something. I happened to come across an old friend from school. I then saw his name on google, and he is said to be on of the most eminent fellows from his college; awarded accordingly. Good for him, I say; he was a good old chap back in the day but we sure as hell gave him a hard time. I do wish him the best.

Anyway, I happened to see his name, it was on a newsletter for the college. I still (unfortunately) think that I am 16 or 17 years old; despite how much everything has changed, I still feel it emotionally difficult to cope with all the weirdness of adult life.

When I looked at this newsletter; it said how my friend from the past achieves through hard work and determination; how he has a real desire to achieve, and not just pass exams and get good grades for the sake of it, but in pursuit of the understanding of the subject matter.

Then, I looked at the rest of the newsletter; this guy sure did end up different to me. This guy is a lot more oriented to real life; I'm much more distant and abstract from it all. If an interest in the transcendent is a good way to describe me, then this guy is definately immanent His strengths are definately the things that I need to work on, and those things that many others do, too. He is quite the inspiration in some respects. I noticed of the rest of the newsletter that there were a lot more other storeis about people. For instance; a story about a girl who struggled after getting pregnant; difficult work placements, and coming out of long term unemployment.

I realised, all of the stories in this collegial newsletter were about people who, as if, within a single episode of life; are given a problem, adn their success is defined in perseverence through it. They make it into a difficult situation for whatever reasong, but it is through their inner strength and determination that they improve themselves and elevate above it.

My life could hardly be described in such a way; but then again, when some people look at it, it seems so strongly to be that way. To be set into a difficult hole, coming out, and improving; the display of arete through honing one's will.

I see it so far away from the truth for me.

How come I haven't made it? I may have display of perseverance in appearance...Marie once suggested something like how I have been through so much and my strenght is in how I still continue.... I have a lot to say about the thoughts that have come from reading this newsletter; But I want to end for the following reasons:

1. Thinking of Marie made me trigger and feel sad
2. Just now a car has started making loud engine noises (I don't think it was properly accelerating either) and it scares me and i feel anxious...

Im currently at home at my 'rents to see my newly appointed mother (my sister)

At some point I should tell you more about my new little nephew....but not feeling up to it now

Hayley

here's something random that I think is noteworthy..

I'm going through my dad's address book as a favour to make it electronic...

I found the name of my brother's old girlfriend....I only met her once, and we went to see Batman Forever together, I was about 9 or so years old; my brother was a teen4.

I remember her as a fairly cute redhead...they didn't continue (presumably cos he's had multiple girlfriends afterwards)

I really cherish that memory...but mainly cos I really liked that film, Batman Forever; I mean, Val Kilmer was like the first batman since Michael Keaton...and I really wanted to have a Batmobile in the Christmas of 1994

I even went to ask santa in Debenhams...and he got me a batmobile that christmas!

I was so happy. I remember my parents have pics of me asking santa, I was wearing this red patchwork shirt, I don't know what the name of the kind of shirt is...lumberjack or something. It was very 'in' cos my brother wore a similar style, and when I was older (well, recently), i learned that such a shirt was sort of fashionable in the grunge age (I saw it on the Simpsons episode where they retcon that Homer had a Grunge band...)

I really liked that shirt; it encapsulated a great period of innocence for me (1995-6); I used to play with my mate every friday with our toys. We had lots of X-men toys and he didn't take care of his toys in the way I did. I got upset if I broke an arm or lost a weapon...but he seemed so blasee aobut it.

That shirt, I wore it all the time to remind me of the warmth and security and happiness of being in that period of life...eventually it grew too small and my mum gave it away to the charity (I always felt sad when mum gave away my clothes and toys...I felt a great sadness when I lost my toys and to imagine some other kids playing with them..it was to the point where they took something of mine and taking my memories away...and even if I got them back everything has been soured anyway because it has been 'baptised' to them now)

Also; I loved that batmobile, but eventually...it became a burden.

It was inconvenient a toy to have; it was so big, it couldn't carry many action figure sizes, and furthermore, it was only a single seater...my mates' last action hero Jack Slater car could carry like 4 people in the seats; and even more in the trunk.

It felt like a heavy burden: that I asked for it, I got it, and now, I don't really like it...I didn't want to ditch it cos of the whole thing I had about giving toys away to other kids; but it was like it would have been better if I never had it and just kept yearning.

You might be thinking, like Marie used to say "why are you telling me this?"

I'm telling you because:

i. I have a memory problem
ii. I may forget these memories
iii. I get memories of my past in spurts
iv. I remember so many mini details of the past that people note that I am able to recall
v I used to have a reputation back when I was "the legend" in college for my memory...but after my depression I feel like my memory capacity only comes sporadically...I only seem to remember academic things with precision

I wanted to have like a brain dump (as a friend in grad school calls it) of my thoughts and memories....

thanks for listening

Not bad from just looking at the word "Hayley", don't you think?

p.s.

I knew a girl at uni called Hayley; I always thought she was hot, but part of the rason I thought that was that she reminded me of my brother's girlfriend and how kind she was to me....weird and oedipal, I know... (okay; brain dump over [for now])

address book (trigger)

Today, I am filling out some details for my parents.

Clearing up their address books to put them into electronic format

As I am going through these pages. I found out that:

My sister's birthday was on the day after I was incarcerated...
Her 30th birthday
I was going to go
I booked my ticket on the day before to see her, have a good time
It was a good day; I was depressed most of the time, but I was to see my sister
I was also due to meet up with a girl, to do some group work
I've never done group work with a girl before (at the time in 2006)
I also had a crush on that girl in first year, after I saw her in a cute hippy dress and sandals with long flowing curly red hair (much like my own, right now)
I booked the ticket on the internet, happy to go
I was happy to have a start; I thought, today is the day
Today is the day that I would do the work, today is the day I'm going to start working
Today is the day, after so many months, when I make a change

Normally in a day I did nothing
On that day, though (thursday), I made a real effort
I genuinely believed, I was going to read a whole book
Read a book for a sociology assignment
I was going to read the book by the time I review the book for a presentation with this girl
She would come over to my house
It would all be okay
It hurts as I work through these memories
Why must I go through it again and again?
Its not like I have a choice, sometimes
It happens in my dreams; where inner thoughts and desires arise
But now, I write, plowing through the memories
Perhaps, perhaps, in the hope htat if I come to terms with what happened; I can be a better person.
That's all that I want in myself...to be a better person
So I got up that day, positive, I booked the ticket. Great! I'm going to see my sister on her 30th Birthday; on the last birthday she has before she gets married!

Then I get a knock on my door....

I wonder; would Mia have graced my life if I did not have this occur? Or would I have lost weight in the legimate way

Marie used to say; maybe getting ill was inevitable....I try to reject accepting that

I feel so alone right now..i guess I could go through this tired old address book some more to busy myself

desperation.

I told my mum. after so much effort.

"I want to do a PhD"

Pause

Shrugging of head in disaproval

My heart shattered into pieces...

Its so hard to open up to the world....I need marie

I'm frantic
I'm dead

I'm lonely
I'm surrounded

I'm empty
I'm trapped

I can't breathe
I only have air inside me

I'm loved
I'm isolated

please take this away, please make it go away

Fat-isms

1. Having a cramp
2. Breathing heavy
3. Excessive sweating
4. Having 'clicks' in your bones all the time
5. Wearing heavy clothes to hide your shame
6. Exhaustion
7. Hunger
8. Excessive eating of comfort foods
9. Wearing loose clothes
10. Having crumb stains on your shirt
11. needing to take a break from over-excertion
12. being loud
13. Trying to make jokes all the time
14. Trying to emphasise 'personality' as a turnon, cos your looks can't do it, but by purposely doing this, it makes your personality a bit ugly (the real solution is not to care at all)
15. Being a virgin
16. Facing the irony of being sexually inadequate and having no actual functionality in sex, yet thinking that you do...
17. Being ugly
18. Being stupid
19. Acting stupid
20. Trying to appear funny, but just appear pathetic as a result

Most of these are features of me that used to obtain, but are now absent...

good...

185.6lbs

I've GAINED weight?

this is odd: how do I react to this?

1. It's muscle from my recent spurt in excercise...bit hard to imagine
2. Its from eating a lot (but I have been controlling my eating, purging and the like as well)

This is very mysterious, indeed. Scary...

Personality faults

I have a personality fault. It is (ironically) pointing out the personality faults of others. I have a terrific shardenfreuder about it. This largely applies to people who I believe deserve derision; so, those who have some internal sense of failure, of failing to maintain the one thing that they actively try to promote in themselves but fall short of exemplifying (like hypocrisy)

• I enjoy the failure of others
• I enjoy pointing out people's imperfections: whether they are overweight, inadequate, obnoxious
• I enjoy laughing at the failure and despair of others
• I enjoy the misfortune of others
• I like to wish misfortune and failure upon others

I will have to change...

I promise you, I will change...

Because, change happens on the inside as well as the out.

i have...

80lbs lost

23 birthday wishes on facebook
5 sex sessions with antonia sofar
4 intimate memories of being held by marie
3 essays due for my masters that I am getting in trouble about...

i'm having an anxiety attack...

i can't cope.

i am not going to make it

i'm all alone.

it's all my fault

a mixed day

a mixed day is good and bad.

good:

i. today's my birthday
ii. i had weird kinky sex with antonia

bad:

i. some bad person is internet stalking me
ii. marie trigger...i interpret her as ignoring me...given she hasn't replied to my attempts of contacting her, two times, and her facebook updates tell me she has been on facebook but is unwilling to acknowledge what society calls my special day.
iii. marie...i love her...but i am sort of coming ot ther terms that i realise i will never have her. furhtermore, I dont feel i can have or desire anyone more...even if antonia is around...still feel incapable of getting close to anyone

conclusion: i'm a failure, sad birthday

at least my cock feels nice from being soaked in woman

ugh

creepy girls who pursue me on internet...just make me uncomfortable...

she's vulnerable, so "fuck off!" isn't appropriate.

politely telling her to leave me alone is better.

Distress

distress today...

purged 3 times; big big ones too; like 3 litres per pop...

is it going out of hand; my throat feels sore.

I need to lose more weight...I can't cope without Marie. I have to die...i can't continue

A day in the life

Wake up late
Breakfast: 4x Pitta bread (500kcals)
Go to gym
Shopping
Eat (Packet of gourmet crisps [it was a treat] (750kcal), strawberries and craime freche [500kcals])
Passed out
Eating (before work): babybel (500kcal), crispbakes and cottage cheese (500kcal)

calorie cost: 2750

i'm not good enough

not good enough to be loved
not good enough to be beautiful
not good enough to be smart
not good enough to follow my dreams
not good enough to be happy
not good enough to deserve life

Volition

I feel bad if I eat a healthy amount of food and don't purge...

I feel the urge to purge even if I don't feel like I want to

Marie once said to me; when I started purging, that I have to stop now, or else I won't be able to stop.

I guess I don't care whether i stop or not; since she's not around anymore...I just don't care...I must purge...its the only comfort I have

not good enough

Why wouldn't she get closer to me?
Why did they vote for that bastard, Moriarty, at uni, instead of me?
Why can't I open up to anyone anymore?
Why can't I get out of bed?

I'm just not good enough...

My only safe place is in front of a toilet bowl with my fingers down my throat....I don't even feel like doing it sometimes, I just feel like [i]its the only way to cope[/i]

I'm not good enough (negative)

I must improve myself (positive)

Having a better body is a good start...I have been doing weight training recently, and I have changed my diet.

Having my fair share of bananas (I can't eat other fruits that well), pasta, skimmed milk, and as a treat, sometimes sorbet or lean meat...I still feel fat...still feel fat with 2500 kcals a day

still feel fat after losing weight from 241-155 lbs

still feel inadequate and unloveable after dating and having sex

I want love. How do I love myself?

So much has changed for the better....but I'M STILL NOT GOOD ENOUGH

I want so much to just crawl (cos I'm feeling so weak) to the toilet right now...I still feel that dinner from last night in me.

Another revelation

Rejection upsets me.

Rejection is (inter alia) a theme of my triggers.

Moriarty got voted for president...I didn't

He's better than me, thinner, doing a more important academic subject, a higher rank of student, had girlfriends, got a beard, got funding, flirtatious, knows german, taller, deeper voice, cooler clothes, more aesthete....

I'm never good enough.

I feel both angry and sad.

I feel so upset that they chose moriarty over me....

I feel so alone.

Got an overwhelming urge to purge...

Dead inside but still alive

Yesterday I had an introspective revelation about me.

I'm dead.

What does this mean?

When I started uni I was a person; I had friends, beliefs about myself, the world, happiness, where I wanted to be, who I wanted, what I wanted, what would make me happy...

As first year went on, those things went away. Slowly, I found all those core elements of myself faded away into nothing. Lets call this person preconatus.

Depression came, anxiety came, doctors and meds came, but none of them went away.

When I was incarcerated (trigger warning), I felt like it was truly gone.

Some part of me, irreplaceable, has gone.

The reason I can get angry is that...the old barrier I had of sensibility is gone...there is nothing to hold me back now.

positives (quiet) and negatives (loud)

positives of today:

kept in good hygiene
went to a seminar
called the HP people to collect my computer
made a comment in the seminar that the professor took a note of (something he didn't know about)
went to the gym for an hour and a half


negatives

i ate a lot
i didn't do any work
i am fat
marie is gone
i cited the wrong paper in my comment in the seminar...mistake

gonna go and purge now...feel really low at the moment...i want to be so thin i am not there anymore...hell, i just don't want to be here.

Fright

Had my first purge in about 3-4 days.

Contents:

i. Tortelloni (is that the right pronunciation?)...1000kcals (inc. sauce)
ii. Cookies (Sainsbury's basics)...300-400kcals
iii. Some milk, and black coffee...150 kcals?


When I purged, it feels like a big cuddle goes over me, it gives me an emotional boost, it makes me feel good. When I purged, It felt so right, it felt so normal, it was just something I do that is normal for me, like putting on my clothes, having a wank, shaving, it's habitually encoded in my routine such taht I hardly reflect to think that this is 'wrong', or evil, or bad.

Three things did frighten me though:

1. When I flushed the pipes made this really loud sound, which might have damaged the toilet which made me come to think that....
2. Someone might find out and judge me badly for purging. Another thing that frightens me is...
3. The smell. The acid smell is an unforgettable reminder of what I am doing. I am putting my fingers down my throat to expel food out of me so that my digestive system will feed on itself, will starve so that I will get thin.

The smell of the acid is like a smell of death, its an image, a feeling, a sense, that is unforgettable and nothing can take away hwo horrible it is.

It's glamourous to be beautiful, to fight in the light of difficulty.

It's not glamourous to smell that disgusting stomach acid. I may have changed the meaning of vomit to be a good thing...but the acid is like a little reminder...the acid is disgusting, horrific...and it came out of me.

What am I doing to myself?

...I'm trying to cope

It's a coping strategy.

I feel quite low now...

lol very shallow to take this test... but what the fuck

The Slow Dancer Deliberate Gentle Love Dreamer (DGLD) Steady, reliable, and cradling her tenderly. Take a deep breath, and let it out real easy...you are The Slow Dancer Your focus is love, not sex, and for your age, you have average experience. But you're a great, thoughtful guy, and your love life improves every year. There's also a powerful elimination process working in your favor: most Playboy types get stuck raising unwanted kids before you even begin settling down. The women left over will be hot and yours. Your ideal woman is someone intimate, intelligent, and very supportive. While you're not exactly the life of the party, you do thrive in small groups of smart people. Your circle of friends is extra tight and it's HIGHLY likely they're just like you. You appreciate symmetry in relationships. Your exact male opposite: The Hornivore Random Brutal Sex Master Always avoid: The Battleaxe (DBLM) Consider: The Maid of Honor (DGLM), The Sonnet (DGLD)

Link: The Online Dating Persona Test | OkCupid - personals | Dating My profile name:

A thing to learn about myself...

Anger is my way of hiding sadness.

I can't open up to someone, so I hide with anger.

Its something I do because I am not just able to open up to someone...

I feel so hurt, that I just can't open up to anyone anymore.

I only write with such candid honesty here, because, I'm anonymous. I could be anyone.

If ever it was found out who Conatus was in a way that would put 'Conatus' in danger, or me, I'd just stop writing and never open up even as a 'pseudo person'

Antonia says that the anger is hurting her, but she loves me all the same.

The anger is just one expression of this pain that is tearing me up inside.

It hurts so much, and no one even cares...