Sonata 14, mvt III

dear diary

 

I'm seeing how many people are getting on with their lives. It makes me feel truly alone, but there is another sense in which the lonliness becomes me. It's not that these things make me feel lonely so much that I realise how fundamentally alone I am. I am alone as a state of being, fundamentally distant.

For some reason I've been feeling a surge of a different personality inside me. Today I really went out of my comfort zone. I applied to 3 jobs today, I did badminton, I got hit on the face (an accident) and had to have first aid administered. Don't worry it's nothing serious, however I am still quite bruised around my eye.

There's a piece of music running in my head. Beethoven's Sonata 14, movement 3. There's something in the spirit of this piece that is screaming at me right now. There is something so heavy metal about that piece of music. I was practicing piano today, and I was reminded of something. In the last days (now legendary) of my piano tuition, my teacher introduced me to various pieces and he said that one day I will be able to play them. Now that my teacher is departed those words have a new meaning to me. I am the young man and he was the elder. I have my life ahead and he sadly does not.

My teacher believed in me. My teacher thought that I was able to learn the Beethoven, he also thought that one day I could play the Liszt. I had a flash, a spark of inspiration that moment when I reminisced old Jack. I'm reminded of the drive that I used to have, I want to have that drive again. I want to have that spark, that motivation, that fire. My life is so dull, so hopeless, so empty. Part of this I feel is my own doing. I need to push myself. I know I say this ad nauseam. Today I felt that I did in some way.

I remember part of the story when I got depressed as a late teen. I burned out. I pushed it and pushed it and pushed it harder than anyone else. I took the safety off as I pushed myself. I loved it. If I could answer the question: what changed since then? It was probably that I don't push myself as hard. I try to take breaks and accomodate my limits. Maybe I don't know what my limits are yet. Maybe I can play the Beethoven. I must remember the importance of patience, relaxed arms, open mind and hard determination but not angry determination.

I remember when I started doing the gym I was motivated by the feeling of hate. Now I'm motivated by the outlook of hate. My contempt and burning desire is not a feeling or an emotion, it's me. Loneliness becomes me, greatness and hard work has to become me. I must personify it. I must personify what I aspire to.

Currently listening to a heavy metal version of the beethoven, which is awesome, by the way.