Nick Miller (and camden crawl)

Dear Diary,

 

Weekend was packed with social things. I went to see my sister's family for a birthday thing. I feel almost bad for saying it but I find them incredibly boring now that they've become all in family mode with kids and playing with toys, trying to discipline the children, failing, and my dad always giving too much attention to the kids which makes them want to show off. I'm tired of how repetitive it is when I see them, the conversations, the people and even though the food is nice, it's so fucking monotonous and closed.I feel like this is something my 21 year old self would say. I'm happy they are happy, but I really can only take small doses of them. My cousins by contrast, are very funny and cool and like to talk about technology and games. My sister is all 'jamie oliver recipes' and 'yummy mummy tata for now darling'.British Asian social climber. Probably what I should be myself actually, but I fail at. Maybe that's what irks me.

Sunday was cool. Camden crawl, third year in a row. I saw 2 people who went to my school...performing! I won't go into details, one is a big major act who is probably gonna get a major record deal if he hasn't already. The other was a ragamuffin type in my physics class who people said wouldn't go far in life. The guy was a jack the lad cockney type and made a lot of trouble and jokes in class. I'm glad he's doing so well. The fellow was in a neo-folk band, I'm happy for him and it seriously blew my mind seeing him play so well.

My friend, who I should call token black friend. is a great friend of mine and I have few friends in my life who are as true as him. We don't talk much or share much, but when we meet we have this understanding that no time has really passed by. Well I used to feel that but he's moving on with his life in many ways. So his initial plan was to bring his new girlfriend along but she was ill, however her friend came along and the rest of my post is going to be about her.

This girl (lets call her: Chelsea), seemed very affectionate and flirtacious. Instead of the standard hand shake when greeting a new person she said 'ooh lets do a hug', and I felt awkward. I'm always awkward around beautiful women. I felt a bit odd about having a woman around for the day out, mostly because I'm used to male company and that's my own issue with social inadequacy, I kept my distance, smiled politely and enjoyed the day mostly. Later on through the day odd flirtacious things happened. I'll list them rather than be all prose about it:

 

1. At kfc I did my ponytail up and she stops and says 'you know I just noticed that you are really hot'. My response, I turned to the guys and asked them: Did Chelsea just say that I'm hot, or am I really drunk right now?
2. Occaisional touching, as well as arms around my shoulders during one comedy act that I suggested, I noticed she did this a bit with the other two guys I was around as well so maybe that's just her way.
3. Later on, on a more one-to-one basis, she said again: "you are really hot, that's just a fact". I replied awkwardly: "Erm, thanks, I don't hear that often from women, I hear it more often from men".
4. Later on, a one to one conversation where we share an interest in opera and classical music, she then talks about a song using orgasm terminology, I also notice her touching her body in an overstated way, hands sweeping down from her torso to her hips, rubbing of hands on hips and brushing of her nipples. I tried my best to not 'stare' and just politely smile.
5. Our goodbye took the form of a kiss.

I sort of want to dismiss this as not sexual attraction on her part because:

1. She's so hot she's out of my league
2. She's my friend's friend
3. she may have been ovulating and expressing overt sexual signals as part of her hormonal cycle (I really come up with convoluted explanations)
4. she was flirting with another guy later on
5. and also affectionate with the other two mates I was with, one guy did ask her to tone it down, as he had a girlfriend and it was not right for him to let her do that without him saying, her response was 'don't worry i'm not trying to steal you!'
6. I'm pond scum to her, I'm a state school minority kid who by some freak of accident went to a decent uni but didnt affect my job prospects in any good way. Why would she be interested in me?

 

I was talking about this with a dear internet friend today. She was under the impression that this girl definately likes me, on the basis of (1) the affection (2) shared interest in music. I didn't tell her much more but she said that Chelsea could probably see that I'm 'a sweet guy who would treat her very nicely'. I forget that I am considered a caring and nice person by others. Despite all the hatred that goes on in my mind, I was the guy who created the depression support group on facebook, helping hundreds and around a thousand people with their mental health problems. The funny thing is that few people know about that. The few friends that did said things to me like called me a 'hero' or the most noble person they've ever met. It was nice that they had kind things to say about me, It was nice that my friend Caroline had nice things to say about me, I guess she's known me for a while as a 'sweet' person. I then told her about the kiss and the compliment about my ponytail. From her perspective that cinched the opinion that Chelsea likes me. I'm still a bit doubtful. Even if she did, what would it amount to? Nothing, probably. I'm a broke loser, I'm Nick Miller from New Girl and I have nothing to offer. Caroline also said that it was notable that she would talk about her ex to me, she said that was a cue to make it known that she's single.

A friend of mine has gotten a lot of sex lately, from women on the rebound. I think to myself that its a bit despicable and his reply is: "Pussy is Pussy". I personally wouldn't like to be the rebound guy, if just for the fact that the sexual energy may be a misdirected sense of intimacy and feelings for the other guy. Chelsea told me herself that she still has feelings for her ex and its still something on her mind. A girl on OKCupid once offered me meaningless sex, but I turned her down after much soul searching. I turned her down because I knew she was very emotionally fragile from a lot of stuff going on in her life, and being submissive and degraded by men was a thing she did that made her feel a sense of self worth. I wasn't cool about that. I suppose I wouldn't be cool about being a misdirected substitute for an ex she still is trying to get over.

And perhaps the most notable thing I have to say is this: I don't think I can really offer women anything special. If I'm honest, I can't keep my shit together in my own life. I'm such a failure and I hate what I am right now. I feel like I've given up in so many ways its suffocating, and I'm just a toxic person right now.

Today I spent some effort trying to catch up and get on with my schedule. So many things to do and catch up with it's a nightmare. I've barely scratched the surface. I'm doing terribly in terms of my job hunt. I really, really need to take it more seriously. I'm coasting. I've often said the job market is like finding romance: competitive and there's always someone 'more suited to the role'. I feel useless and dejected in this current climate. 2012 is not a good year for me. Life hasn't been the same since I finished my Masters. Everything that I was and hoped to be just burned and I'm what's left. I can relate a lot to Nick Miller off the New Girl tv show. That makes me sad. I wish I was more. It's all up to me to do it though...