Dear Diary
I went to A&E, I had a scratch on my cornea and I've been given ointment to apply to it.I'm trying to apply it every 3 hours. It's the most bizarre thing I've ever had to do to myself for health. I hate touching my eyes, but it actually isn't as bad as putting in the RGP all those years ago. I also applied to a job for social media. After A&E I went to the gym for a body balance class, it was nice. There is one intimidatingly flexible and cute woman there who makes all of us, including the instructor, feel inferior, with her amazing flexibility, or maybe just my own.
There came a point at the end of the class (I didn't know it was the end) when my knee gave in and I just had to sit down. I found the class exceptionally difficult today more than most weeks. Perhaps because of the psychological feeling of being 'weak' after being injured in the face from Badminton. I have been thinking about that girl Chelsea a little bit. I sometimes think to myslef that I'm attractive, and sometimes a few of my friends, including my female friends say it. I don't really acknowledge it though. In my head I'm still that awkward teenager.
I woke up stupidly late today, partly because I felt exceptionally dizzy last night. I think I went to sleep early so I don't know what excuse I have (no wait, I slept at 4:30am). Today feels productive but in terms of my targets its not. I've set a high standard of outcomes and I would much prefer getting it all under my belt. I talk a lot about wanting to get lots done and it sounds often like the kind of person who doesn't. The stuff builds up and layers on top of itself. I'm not good at dealing with it, but I have taken a bit of the dusty layers off (extended metaphor). It's nearly 2am and I should sleep. I haven't jacked off today and I feel almost like not doing it at all.
I was a bit scared going into the hospital. Sitting in the waiting room gave me lost of ugly memories, lots of ugly feelings. There was a moment of bemusement when I was attended to by a female consultant, who then did an initial test. I then went into a room and an almost identical consultant came in and said the same name and talked to me as if it was the first time i was explaining my situation. Maybe it was my eyes, being hit in the eye with a birdy is a valid excuse for that level of bemusement. My eyes are still a bit off, it's a lot better compared to yesterday, and I hope come tomorrow this eye business over and done with.
I'm seeing my friend who I gym with whenever he's in the UK, he gets as much from it as I do. He's such a dear friend I am even good friends with his girlfriend and we make lots of jokes together. In addition I made the comment that he called me yesterday and said 'I just want to hear your voice', and his girlfriend told me that she never hears that from him. I almost feel like I'm a third part of that relationship, none of the sexual stuff of course, but I am in an emotional relationship with that man and we love each other.
I checked the weighing scales today. I've gained weight, about 5lbs since my last reading. I don't care. I should care. I do care about exercising and I do care about trying to eat more healthy food. I do care about my strength, my cardio, my muscle definition, symmetry and I do want to be the best I can be. I don't feel that that number defines me. I don't think it's muscle mass, but I do think eating fried chicken didn't help, or those sweets on the way home. I comfort eat a bit, which is my way of not comfort eating a lot.
There's lots to think about, stag night, family, money, jobs, fitness, trying to get my head together...dealing with the hospital was more than enough for me today. I wish I could sleep so I could start the next day. Insomnia strikes me pretty bad.
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