one broke guy

Dear Diary,

 

My head is giving me trouble today. I feel dizzy and my head has this throbbing pain whenever I turn it. Also my heart is beating really fast.

 

I did badminton today, I had to go slow because I felt unwell, I still did what I could. For the past 3 hours I have been entering phone numbers into Google to put into my android phone. This is taking ages.

It's kind of depressing that many of these people on my phone list, including my uncle, a family friend and my former piano teacher, are now dead. I've kept some of their details as a way of preserving their memory.

I still have many more to finish before I'm done. This is a little annoying and niggling task, but what it represents is significant.

When I got my crappy windows phone in 2009, I thought it was the start of a new life as I still believed I could still do a PhD. I entered the data as part of a vision to get everything electronic and advanced, then the windows phone broke down and stopped syncing with the computer for some unknown reason, and my ideal of a perfectly synced, controlled and unified system of knowledge broke down.

 

That sounds like an oddly specific thing, but an idea of a unified system of knowledge is part of what my PhD proposal was about. Also, I learned that everything is unreliable from that point onwards. My life was a moral of disappointment upon empty promise. Whether its the job centre who said they would help me, to the recruitment consultants, to the interview panel who thought I was a good candidate.

Having this organised system is small change for a big debt. I'm really fucking pissed off at my life. I'm currently watching 2 broke girls, and it seems like a parable for the present day: the failure of aspiration in the background of hipsters, cultural references that mostly hipsters would get, and the overarching politicisation of the personal.

My heart may be palpitating and my head may be foggy and throbbing with some unknown pain, but its society that makes me sick.