Dear Diary,

 

Last night I was listening to an old episode of 'Women's Hour' that I downloaded off the radio 4 podcasts directory and I listened to a piece on a woman recovering from anorexia. The description she gave about the way that it affected her, as well as the associated activities that made her feel powerful and in control really resonated with me. Perhaps so much so that I got quite upset.

Many people say they don't understand the mentality of something like anorexia, I'm not necessarily saying that I do, but I think that many people, if they were presented the prospect of obtaining the one thing that they desired most, at what seems a negligible cost, is so incredibly attractive.

Purging made the world a lot simpler, sobriety makes the world more complicated and grey. I like the word sobriety, I like the word sober. Although I've never had a problem with alcohol, I lately choose to avoid it. I choose to avoid alcohol because I want to hold the feelings that I have. I want to keep especially those nevative feelings inside me, acknowledge them and put them into a wider context. Alcohol makes things much more polarised, extreme on both sides of good and bad.

Grey is a reality I do not find desirable right now. Grey doesn't seem as glamorous as purging or topping up on alcohol until I'm stupid with brain hormones of happy feelings. I'm off to see some guys tomorrow for what would be a day full of drinking. I'm going to be sober tomorrow I think . I'll try anyway.